13
“I’m afraid. She’s mentally unstable, she’s always been fragile and my dad’s part in it all, the betrayal, the moral destruction; she’s not okay. Her Alpha turned out to be a monster she always followed loyally, her world came crashing down and the safety of our people became lowest on the pecking order. She cries all the time. It’s like her mate is dead but she got to live, if that makes sense. Colton’s leaving didn’t just cause a hole in the pack, it changed everything, and those left behind, they’re prisoners of misery.” It’s a gush of words and she looks shocked at herself for opening up to me. Swallowing back with a confused and almost dazed expression but I nod in understanding. I know Luna’s have this power over their people and I never really understood it when Sierra was ours. Only now looking back I see that Sierra had this too, that a Luna has a way of lowering walls, making you trust and respect her, by merely being close to you. They are the literal embodiment of pack mother and any who needs her feel compelled to confide in her.
I motion for her to walk with me along the tree line as sentinels appear to walk to grounds and I feel this conversation is not done with. Despite wishing she would go away; I can’t just let this end this way. I want privacy from prying eyes because I know the second a guard sees us together then Colton will be out here like a shot thinking the worst.
Carmen obediently follows me as I turn and gesture to the shaded overhang of the narrow path which leads far along the side and behind the house. This is just inside the rune border here and the closest to the invisible wall as you can get.
“We can have her taken to the medbay if you truly feel her mental state is worrisome. We can monitor, help. We have human medicines, an understanding of mental health, and a very good staff down there who wouldn’t leave her alone. Maybe she needs time and safety and the kind of peaceful life we are building here. The village has some community groups and maybe being back among old friends…..” I try to reason as I decipher the pits of angst and anxiety swirling around Carmen now we are shoulder to shoulder, and moving at a slow stroll under the outstretched branches. Her mom’s state seems to be where all her focus is, and not of anything from before. It makes me relax knowing she has no obvious ulterior motives. Her whole aura and ambience tells me her heart and mind is right where her mom is right now.
“I don’t know if it will help, or if she’ll agree. My mom has always been so dependent on security and the balance of her life. No rocking the boat, no sudden changes. My dad has never known how to handle her so he avoids her best he can. It’s always been me and her…… I’m her rock.” Carmen’s distress grows and more tears roll down her face, making her angrily wipe them harder as though she’s embarrassed by her own weakness and the genuine fear that she doesn’t know how to help her.
I have a sea of contradictory emotions and feelings running through me and I try to separate Carmen from the past, and the girl beside me in the here and now. I’m not ready to lay my old feelings to rest, to let go of hurt and anger and jealousy. I don’t know how I would handle seeing her approach Colton like this, or if I would be able to swallow it down, but I know one thing for certain, right now, I just want to help. This cursed need in me to make sure my pack, every last on of them, is cared for. Even her.
“Do you want me to get Sierra to come see her in your rooms? Maybe she could help. She can heal certain things, instill calm with a touch. Maybe seeing her…..” it’s an absent minded suggestion as my brain strays onto things I don’t really want to think about and I flinch at her sudden exuberant response.
“Oh my god! Sierra! Yes!!! Yes, yes, yes…. she was one of her closest friends. She mourned her for so many years and I don’t think she believes that the rumors are true, that she’s really here. Please, I’ll do anything if she can see her, or help…. I love my mom, she’s all I have now.” She croaks the last sentence, her eyes misty with emotion, turning to me energetically and grips my hand. It’s impulsive and without thought and she seems oblivious to my sudden stiff response as she turns to me full of new life and energy. The aura of pleading, desperate need, so strong it catches me off guard and for a second, I’m ashamed of my hatred for this girl.
Carmen has never really been a femme that blended in with the Santo pack; even I knew that all those years. Knowing Colton’s memories of her now too, seeing she was a loner, brought in because of her father’s ties to Juan and put in his upper circle, down to his position. She stuck with Colton and his friends, lived in his shadow, and didn’t really seem to have any true friends beyond what she thought she had in the sub pack.
Her abrasive, spoiled girl behavior, her outward hostility, superiority, bitchy glares, all added to her being a girl I know we all avoided like the plague. Not just my kind at the orphanage, but most femmes in the entire valley. It was common knowledge that everyone hated Carmen and she didn’t seem to give a rat’s ass about it. When she dated Colton, she was with him constantly and acted like she didn’t care about other wolves in the pack, let alone making friends beyond her mate. She was so up her own ass; sure, she was the future Luna, that she pretty much didn’t bother to make any kind of bonds with anyone.
Looking at her now, feeling her pain from her own depths, I wonder what it is that made her this way. Why she closed off from anyone except Colton…. I know even the sub pack never really bonded to her like they have me and dutifully endured her presence for him. I can’t imagine what losing him must have felt like if he truly was the only person she thought of as her friend and security, and then lost the subs around her which were probably the closest to a real pack she had.
She isn’t as tough or as cold as she makes out and I can feel her fear, her insecurity, her worry over her mom, and her complete lack of bold now I’m touching her hand to hand. I squeeze it tightly and try to numb down the intense feelings I am absorbing from her and she suddenly yanks her hand away, realizing what she’s doing by holding on to me. There’s a moment of heightened blush on her face as she reels back and pulls herself stiff and cold. A gust of icy cold as her heart clamps shut and her emotions are bit down hard in an effort to conceal all form me. Like an internal fire door being slammed shut to keep the fire at bay. The armor sweeping back up and the haughty exterior comes back into play. It’s almost so effortless and speedy that a blink would have made me miss it.
