35

As Luna I become alpha in his absence and it hit me fully when standing up on that podium and trying to reassure them, that we have a plan and we are going to get through this. I had to be stronger than I felt. I had to be Colton – emotionally calm, stable, sure in my wording, and remain confident in whatever I was saying, even though it was a million miles away from what I was actually feeling. The pressure bearing down on me of expectant eyes and expectations that I would be able to stand up and do it without him.

It terrified me. The what ifs. The glimpse of a future I might have to bear if we can’t break this spell and the packs entire needs and direction were laid on my head. I don’t know if I have it in me to be what he is, I don’t know if I can lead these people long term, yet I have no choice. I am what they have and now I understand fully why Colton always doubted and second guessed himself so brutally all his life. Why he always felt he wasn’t enough, and I realize I’ve stood behind his shadow and been under just as much protection as they have all this time. I was a Luna sure, but I never had to really command while he always protected me.

I know why he feels like he isn’t doing enough, when all I felt standing there was the same damn thing. I felt inferior and like a failure.

“The sun is almost down; we should go to bed. Try and sleep. We have an early rise and a long drive if we get out of this place in one piece.” Med’s cuts into my thoughts and brings me back form the dark recesses of my mind that was starting to bring back that weight of despair. I need to not let myself ponder.

“You’re right. We should try.” Even if I already know it won’t happen, maybe I can give Meadow the sense of companionship that she may sleep. She needs it more than me if she intends to drive us seven hours across country without stopping.

I follow her when she moves and she stops at the bed and stares at it for a long moment, somehow lost in thought or memory and a tear rolls down her cheek.

“Meds?” I walk to her, but she shakes her head and inhales heavily.

“He asked me if I still loved him as crazily as when we first imprinted last night. Lying in bed, in his arms. It’s like he knew something was wrong and stupidly thought it was that. He said he felt like things were off, not with us, but in general and he had a sense of foreboding that was suffocating him. Of course, the first thing that comes to mind for Cesar, is us…. if we fell apart, so would he. So he asked me, and I…… I told him he was stupid, and to stop talking loco. I could have just told him yes, and that I love him, more than ever, but I didn’t. I was sassy, I gave him attitude, because he woke me up and I was snappy, because I’m hormonal as hell, a moody bitch, what with the blood moon coming and now…..what I wouldn’t give to have him laid in bed and asking me that stupid question all over again.” Meadow breaks, her voice cracking, her body heaving and the tears start to fall at speed while I instinctively go to her, pulling her into my embrace protectively. Pain eating me up inside for my own feelings as well as taking on some of hers.

“He knows you love him. Cesar is one of the most loyal, happiest wolves in the pack. He can never keep his hands off you, Meds. Don’t think this way, it’s only hurting you,” I try to console her, but she shakes her head, acting like a lost child and suddenly so young and fragile in my arms.

“I give him such a hard time. I’m always giving him attitude. I should be sweet talking my man, and sexing him up anytime he cuddles up, right. I don’t. I’m moody and harsh and I push him around because he lets me. I’m jealous, and possessive, and bossy as hell. He’s the best thing in my life and I take him for granted and make life harder for him.”

“Meds, this is guilt talking, and despair. Cesar knows you love him. Your relationship is normal and healthy. You do give him love and affection. I’ve seen it on multiple occasions, and damn girl, that jealous streak when a chola, as you call them, makes eyes his way. I think he more than knows that you need him, to survive. Cesar doesn’t stop how you are because he likes it.” She’s crazy not to know this. Cesar worships the ground she walks on; he literally lights up when she strolls in the room and he never rejects her touch or her affections. He’s quiet, less vocal about his love, but it’s so obvious to everyone that she is his Queen. He patrols by her side, sticks to her like glue, and beams proudly when she handles things herself and shows how tough she can be.

“We weren’t talking… this morning, when we went out. We weren’t together because I was sulking that he woke me with such a stupid question. Such a stupid fight. And we searched separately, two different packs, because we are both stubborn assholes when we bicker, and we gave each other a wide berth. The last I seen of him was him glaring my way as we split to go off into the woods. That’s it…. a glare, a standoff, and then he was just gone.” Her whimper turns into full blown snotty sobbing, heaving as she tries to breathe through her emotional hysteria and my resolve crumbles.

“Oh god, Meadow.” I squeeze her half to death, willing my hug to give her some sort of comfort. No wonder this is messing her up. I can’t imagine if Colton and I had fought before the fog moved in, how much worse this would feel. Being apart, having him mad at me before we lost them. It explains why she was so quiet and introverted when it first happened and why now she’s so emotional.

“Well, when we break this stupid curse, you can make it up to him. Stop thinking that this is it, because it’s not. We have a plan. We are going to keep doing until we fix this. You think I’m going to let my mate stroll out there in the woods and leave us to run things, pick up what he abandoned, and allow him to live a life of leisure out there. Hell no. He needs to get back here and take the wheel once more, and Cesar needs to come pick up his woman and shake some sense into her about how much he adores her.” It’s half stern statement and have jest in a bid to lighten her mood and to stop myself tumbling with her.