44

“We are three…. the homestead is dozens, maybe they just want to stay where they have more to kill,” Carmen chimes in bluntly, as gracious as ever, and I shudder at the thought. Maybe she’s right, even if she said it without tact or any obvious emotion. What is three lone wolves when they have an entire homestead of hundreds left behind. If blood and destruction is what they’re after, then we are too much effort to chase when they can’t get into our steel box.

The thought makes me sick and as we hightail it onto the main route and relatively clear air with no more impaired vision and the sun warms us as it starts to reach higher in the sky. If we were not on such a depressing mission, it would be the start of a beautiful and unusually warm day. I start to rub my temples, overwhelmed with utter sadness and despair at what we are even having to do and force Colton out of my mind once again. The constant craving for him never seems to subside and now we’re leaving them behind, I experience a new sense of longing and a subtle panic that we will be far apart.

“Don’t think about it. Just focus on what we have to do. It’s a long drive and we have to stick to human routes to keep contact with other packs to a minimum. If we plough on, we can get there before dark, as long as we keep stops to fuel only.” Meadow pats me on the shoulder and pushes my hair off my face in that gentle mom type way she has. “Sleep while you can, you look exhausted. We need our Luna to be fit and well and I don’t need you right now. You too, Carmen, you can take over driving when I need a break.” Meadow is in bossy mode once more, bickering forgotten, commanding like she does the sub pack and the sentinels and I nod, knowing there’s not much else to do but stare at passing scenery while these two bicker and glare the journey away.

Carmen doesn’t argue but gets up and moves to the back and climbs onto one of the stabilized beds, turning away from us and pulling the blanket in front of her face. I could sense her tiredness when I collected her earlier, I guess sedation and grief are not a great combo and I’m sort of glad she’s chosen to go lay down. I stop as I lift form my seat and lean down to Meadow, linking only her with a gentle tone.

“Go easy on her, I get the feeling things have happened in the past months and she doesn’t seem the same. Remember what’s just happened to her.” I squeeze Meds shoulder lightly and smile as her eyes dart to mine for a second.

“It’s hard to let go of old grudges when she looks and seems exactly the same. Her mom died, yet she seems fine. She’s so much more stable than I expected her to be.” Meadow bites bitterly, as though she is somehow disappointed in Carmen for not breaking down, but I frown at her and shake my head.

“Everyone grieves in their own way. I think she’s in shock and it hasn’t sunk in that she’s really gone. Med’s please, treat her the way you would treat any other wolf in the pack. Forget who she used to be. Her heart is broken, I can feel it.”

“Is that a command, Luna?” Meadow eyes me up with a hint of attitude, knowing I usually never tell her what to do in terms of how she handles things and I throw her an exasperated look.

In all the months I have been such I have never commanded Meadow to do anything. She’s my best friend. It’s a line I don’t like crossing, even if I do have a right to do it. She was there for me when I was no one, and I don’t like to lord over her in anyway when she mothers me effectively.

“It’s a gentle request, for me.” I point out with a smile and lean in to kiss her on the temple, smoothing back her hair in a bod to show her my deepest love and respect and that I don’t want bad blood between us, and pause before I head to the back.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to sit with you for now. Company?” I hesitate and go as if to sit again, but meadow shakes her head

“I need thinking time. Seeing him, hitting him with the truck…my head’s a mess. I want some space to process shit.” She furrows her brow over a saddened gaze and taps the wheel distractedly, shaking free some of the surging sadness that seems to climb up over her.

“It’s not him…. None of them are themselves right now. Don’t dwell. Stay focused and remember, none of them have any control of what’s happening.” I rub her shoulder again and take the hint to move, leaving her sitting in the driver seat while I go to the back and climb onto the other made-up bed.

Carmen is quiet but I can tell by her breathing she’s wide awake and staring at the truck wall. Her back to me, her posture stiff and unrelaxed despite laying down, and I feel for her.

“Are you okay?” I ask her as I settle myself on top of the blankets of this bed and lay down, relived that these are pretty comfortable despite being medical trolleys.

“No. But does it matter?…. Life goes on. The world keeps turning. People die…. It’s the living that matter.” her response is low, shocking to me and almost bitter though she doesn’t turn to look at me at all.

“If you need to talk…” I start to try for compassion, the will of my Luna side taking hold to try and ease a pack member.

“I don’t. I need to sleep.” it’s a snapped final statement and she reinforces it by pulling the blanket over her head to shut me out and make it clear I need to leave her alone. Waves of iciness thrown my way and I take the hint, slightly irritated by her brisk manner and can only exhale to calm my own turmoil.

“Okay then. Goodnight, I guess.” I try not to let her get to me but this whole situation is weird. In here, I’m no Luna when it comes to these two head butting stubborn femmes, and it feels like we are just three girls with old wounds on a road trip to try and make sense of everything that has ever come to us.

If only that were true.