109

“I guess I better go white flag the Alpha, until we can see where all this is going. Might make life easier if I give him a few days pass.” I shrug it out, knowing all things considered, Colton probably could use less stress until Sierra wakes up.

“He’s young, headstrong, stubborn like his mother, and still finding his feet in his new role. Go easy on him. He has the world on his shoulders, and he needs a little help in holding it up. His head is not quite where it should be.” The doc glances at him and then off to the femme Medic across the other side who waves him to her.

I nod, taking the hint, and push off to walk towards Colton, leaving the doc to wander back to the femme in the corner pouring over some clipboard as she jots things down.

I take a levelling inhale, push all my riots of feelings into one tiny box and sit on them for now. Determined to be civil and not let everything ooze out of me while he needs a friend. I approach him from behind, and like in the truck, he’s so zoned in on his mom he doesn’t acknowledge me coming close until I get right up beside him and lean in to look at her. Eyeing her up now she’s been settled in here and it’s odd, but I swear, she has more color to her pallor and her hair looks a little shinier. It’s almost like she knows she isn’t alone anymore, that she’s surrounded by her people and their love, even if that’s ridiculous.

Seeing them together like this, only highlights how much he looks like her now he’s an adult. The same profile, small nose, and perfect bone structure of two very beautiful people, and I guess he always had her strong DNA. The dark hair, and straight brows, although Sierra is noticeably pale compared to Colton’s sallow tan he wears all year round. She is lithe, and feminine in her build though, and Colton, well, he’s your typical strong, tall, and built alpha type. More muscles than brains sometimes, and he has a nice ass.

One of the nurses pushes a stool up behind me with a smile and nod and I take it gratefully, sitting beside Colton and trying hard not to reach out to touch him. He looks so lost in the moment, eyes fixated on her, and so many thoughts must be running through his head. It’s like watching a pained child trying to figure something out, and that maternal instinct in me revs up a thousand watts and makes sitting here unbearable.

“I can’t believe she’s really here… that’s she’s real. How many times I dreamed of seeing her again?” He whispers it, that sexy voice low, and rough, alerting me to the fact he’s aware I’m beside him after all, and I relax into the seat, propping my feet up on the bar and lean towards him lightly. Suddenly consumed with fierce protectiveness over him when he seems this vulnerable.

“I’m just glad that we got her here. That you came when I found her.” What else can I say. Nothing I can add right now is going to ease the tension as we wait, and he knows everything I do about all of this.

“How could he do this to her? How could he not love her the way he was supposed to?” His eyes run back to her face, once again he strokes her hair, and he’s so lost in his own feeling he doesn’t notice my sarcastic eyebrow rise and tilted pointed chin gesture I give him.

That’s a very good question Colton… why couldn’t he? You might know given you clearly have the same flaw!!

I shake it out of my head before he senses my attitude, scolding myself for such an impulsive response, but still, he really is dense sometimes. Know this projecting crap is only going to make me mad, and I don’t bite or say it out loud but god damn it, Colton. Really?

I know he doesn’t need this right now, so I sigh it away, breathe slowly, and count to ten, sit a little taller, and try and focus on what he needs instead. Reminding myself that this is bigger than us, and I have to be less pounce ready.

“He betrayed the mate bond; he doesn’t deserve her.” I point out flatly, then curse myself under my breath for still pushing it out there even if I didn’t meant to. It’s like everything we are saying is the damned obvious, yet Colton doesn’t even click. Colton doesn’t move or react, just that same silent fixed stare as he watches her breathe, eyes on her closed lids, and he sits. I feel like screaming and hitting him over the head with the nearest hard object, but instead I stare at the ceiling for a minute and let it pass. Soooooo slowly.

“I should have found her a long time ago, before any of this. I should have looked harder, but I was young, and stupid, and I believed in my father when he said it was for the best.”

Oh, for the love of god! I give up, eyeroll upwards at the fates and mentally ask them is this is deliberate. I mean, when you decide to avoid a topic and they just keep pushing it between us like some sort of annoying sign, it starts to grate a tiny bit.

That heartbreak and rawness in the croaking tone tells me finally though, how much the betrayal of his father is screwing him up, and I focus all my energy on that and not the universe trying to make me smother him with his own hoody. I instinctively wrap my arm around his, hoping contact will keep me from heinous beatings, and lean my head on his shoulder in a bid to blank them out. I really want to ease his pain, as it ebbs through me and waves inside of my own heart and stomach. He’s still trying to shield me but this close, he’s failing to do it fully, and I can feel it inside of me.

It’s heavy, and deep, and consuming, and I forget everything about being upset with him or angry. I slide my flattened palm along his arm instinctively, cover the back of the hand he has laid on his mom’s and entwine my fingers in his, so we hold hands on top of hers. Colton turns his head with my contact and rests his chin and mouth on top of my hair, pushing in against me so we’re half cuddling but not really, just touching, leaning together, and for once I don’t push him away or feel the need to jump out of proximity. We both exhale at the same time, a heavy releasing of tension, and hurt, and energy, as we sag together, and everything pauses for a second. That calm silence his touch always brings me.

I can feel him feeding from me, soothing him slightly with my touch like an imprinted mate is meant too, and I close my eyes and enjoy the stolen moment I’m allowing myself. I can push everything else aside and pretend that it’s okay to be what he needs when it’s about her. When the topic isn’t us, and markings, and anything other than being a support for someone who really needs it.

“I don’t know how to lead, Lorey. These people, this pack. I’m just a kid. I’m not ready.” The devastation and self-doubt rips through me as it waves over me from him, and I look up from my nestled position, shifting to see his face without breaking away. Hating that he feels so out of whack and the normal confident rock I’ve come to depend on is wavering.

“You’re a born leader. Maybe it seems hard right now, and things aren’t clear, but Colton, you are the best for your people. Look around. They’re here with you. You did this. Safe, protected, you stood up and made a stand for them against someone you love. You put them first, always. The good of the pack, it’s always your primary focus, even when other things get in the way. How can you doubt that? It’s what makes you the strongest kind of leader!” I praise him with honesty, heartfelt, and hushed, as I whisper the words he needs to remember. How he can doubt himself this way is beyond me, when everything I know about him makes it obvious, he was always going to be the best kind of alpha. He is!

“Maybe I just want to be a kid who’s selfish. Who took the girl he wanted and walked away, and screw all this. I should have left with you. Belonged with you, wherever you went.” He sounds defeated and I know this isn’t him. This is a tired and uncertain guy who has had a lot thrown at him. In one day, his ex-mate resurfaces, dragging his long-lost mom along, and he finds out his father kept her prisoner, after murdering his own people and destroyed the life he thought he knew.

It hurts to hear him say it, feel it. The regret of what happened with us, even while I’m trying to ignore it. The tears bite at my eyes, and a lump forms in my throat, that almost chokes me, inflicting a unique kind of body and brain ache that’s hard to shake off.

“Maybe you should have, but you would never have forgiven yourself. You made the choices you made for the good of the pack, even if it hurt us. If you left them, he would never have relinquished control, and they would be suffering still. The fates had a plan, and maybe leaving with me would have changed my path and never led me to her. And what about her? You’ve waited for her for ten years; she needs you too. They all do. I finally see how all of this is so much bigger than us, Colton. Why it had to be that we couldn’t be together. It was by design, and we did what we were meant to, even you when you rejected me.” I nod at Sierra, my own voice strained with my own undercurrents of agonizing emotions, knowing that all of this is his pain talking and the desire to run away from everything hurting him. A normal flight or fight response, and I felt the same when I learned about all of it, in fact I still feel this way. To run and bury my head and wish it’d been different. It’s fear, it’s overwhelm, but it’s pointless and running isn’t going to fix any of this anymore. Juan has to pay; the balance has to be restored, and Sierra needs her son. Colton needs to lead.

Colton sighs, slides his arms under me fully and picks me up, surprising me with the sudden maneuver, and drags me to his lap where he wraps himself around me. He buries his head under my chin, against my chest so I have no other option than to hold him too, taking from me what he needs, even if he should have asked first. I relent and wrap him up in a hug, being the strength he’s lacking, while doubt and heartbreak consumes him. It’s both awful, and yet the best thing, to allow myself to be this way for a while even if it confuses my heart all the more.