56

“Colton isn’t weak…. he’s confused. Even I can see that. What do you think Juan would do if he defied him and marked me on the full moon? Do you think Juan would send him away, send us away?” I have to know if there’s hope of changing his mind, that maybe Colton will still come through for me. Even if his behavior is telling me that he’s already pushed all indecision aside and chosen a path to take. I need to cling onto a tiny little ray that there’s still time to sway him.

“I didn’t, until Cole told me he believes his father would find a way to take you from him if he defied his decision. Juan hasn’t said it outright, but he’s implied it. Cole’s worried you would be the one taken in the night the way his madre was and kept from him with no way of finding you again. God knows he hasn’t stopped trying to find her, but there’s no trace and those who know, they don’t speak about it. He’s no idea which of the elders helped and the Shaman was no part. He’s also baffled as to where she is and has been helping to trace her.”

I always wondered about the Shaman. Colton seems to trust him, and he doesn’t seem to spend his days by Juan’s side as the elders do. In fact, the Shaman hides away until the turning ceremony each month and rarely comes out.

“How can he still blindly love a man who can do that to him. She was his mother.” I despair at the thought, sinking down into my crossed legs and perch my elbows on my knees so I can lean my chin into my palms. Propping myself up while my body sags in deflation.

“Love, Chica, it does loco things to rational people and no matter how cold Juan is, Cole still loves him as a son should. He’s all he has in terms of real family. His own grandmother has a weird aversion to her grandson, and barely looks at him. She’s Juan’s mother and since birth, she never bonded to Cole at all. It’s really weird.” Meadows sighs heavily too and I can taste her hopelessness in the air, seeping into me. She frowns down at the grass and goes back to picking daisies, throwing them over her shoulder listlessly in distraction.

“There really isn’t any hope for us, is there? Colton cutting me off, all of this, it’s to protect me … he’s going to mark Carmen and that’s going to be the end of it. I can feel it in my bones. Whether he loves me or not, his duty, his reason, his stubborn nature, all point at doing what’s expected, because he thinks it will be a resolution that secures the pack’s future. And he cares about that more than about us.” As much as I go around in circles in my head, I can’t see any other outcome.

As much as I want him to be strong for me, it’s not really about that. He is strong, he just cares too much about the people he’s meant to care about. Alpha’s in his blood and putting the people first is part of that leading nature of his type. As much as his gifts, his personality, his looks, and his DNA, he’s programmed with this preset need to be bound to his duty for them.

He’s faced with all these paths and possibilities and even if he chooses me over all of them… he has a fear his father will either take me from him, and I don’t doubt he would, or that I’ll be so damaged by life as his Luna, that he’ll scar my mind in the process and lose me in other ways.

Seeing the way Juan’s been treating his own kind these past days has sickened me to my stomach, and I need to start putting myself first. I need to face facts. Colton won’t endanger me with the possibility his father will snatch me from him. I think he has more faith in my ability to be mentally strong though, although it’s not that clear cut in his head, and I don’t doubt he isn’t aware of it.

He’ll do what his father wants because his hands are tied. Colton is fated to lead his people, he’s known it since birth, he can’t run from that, and his father holds all the ropes where he’s concerned. He’s bound, unable to free himself no matter what way he turns, and his future has never been his to command.

Colton is going to betray the bond, for the love of me. As crazy as that sounds. It’s clear in his behavior and the way he’s again shut me off. He’s trying to make it easier because he knows what he has to do. He knows that if we continued to stay close, he would keep fighting for us and not fully submit to what his father wants.

I can’t keep being mad about the fact that our bond should be stronger, because I know this isn’t about that. The bond is strong, it’s solid in a way, it’s what keeps pulling him to me, fighting his will power, and messing with his head, repeatedly. It’s what’ll push him to mark her, in the hopes of breaking me free, and keeping me safe from harm. His need to protect me.

The only problem is that once he does mark her, then I shouldn’t be here. I may still have a link that endangers his life, but without his heart and eye on me the way it is now, Juan might make a move and take me away anyway. I bet Colton hasn’t even factored that in at all, because he doesn’t want to see his father’s that wolf. Juan may still make me disappear and go wherever Colton’s mother is, to be sure his son doesn’t get tempted in any way. I’m the enemy in Juan’s eyes, nothing changes that, not even his marking.

I just wish I knew why he hated my kind with this force of passion. We were all the same once upon a time. It’s not my fault my family died. It’s his.

“I wish I could argue, but the last few days, Cole being like this, I don’t think there is. I know him, Chica. His mind is set. He thinks he’s protecting you.” Meadow sits up fully, hugging her own legs as tears mist her eyes, and she reaches out and strokes my hair. Her desperation rising as she too accepts that this is how it is. Neither of us has wanted to say it in the last few days, but the tides are changing, we can feel it in the air. Our people are perched on a cliff and change is coming, whether we want it or not. The threat thickening the atmosphere and we both know this is futile.

“I need to accept it, before then. Just not let Colton factor into my plans and focus on doing what’s right for me.” My voice is strong, my words direct, but my heart wavers in blinding agony. A burning pain spreading through every vein because I know what I must do.

Meadow begins to cry softly, pretty droplets rolling down her flawless skin, and I can tell she knows where this is heading. Her silence is her agreement. Her sorrow is her blessing.