XXXIII
“I know this sounds really rude of me to ask, considering the fact that this was our first meeting, but I'm really desperate, son. I hope you can understand me?”
Jordan nodded affirmatively, seeing her despondent countenance, albeit confusedly. “Yes I do, Aunt. Plus, I'm ready to grant you any and every favour you require of me. It's your wedding day, after all,” he teased, trying to get her to smile.
For some reason, he didn't like seeing her melancholic or worried. Over the few days that they had been spent together, Jordan had grown close to the middle aged woman and although she was Emerald's mother, he felt like they both had some kind of connection; a mother–son connection.
He couldn't deny that Maggie reminded him of his own mother and the unbreakable bond she shared with her daughter, Emerald, was one he constantly yearned for from his own mother but she had been denied of the chance to watch her children grow into what they were today. She had never been given a choice and that made Jordan's heart tighten in anger and overwhelming sadness.
But for the past days, the warmth radiating from the middle aged woman standing before him in her beautiful wedding dress, had been powerful enough to quell his sadness and yearning for some motherly affection. After finding out about his mother's demise, Maggie had embraced him even closer than before and they had shared things like any mother and child would.
He had felt genuinely happy staying with them for the little while, not only because of Maggie's maternal fondness but also because of Emerald's and Luca's presence, although the middle aged man didn't particularly like him but he didn't despise him either as Jordan had expected.
Spending quality time with Emerald's family and friends had made him see life from a different angle. It had made him both sad and happy. Sad that his own father had never allowed them to experience such happiness before. Sad that the always vibrant and gleaming smile that glued itself to Maggie's face was in his mother's case, always a faux or pained smile.
Yet, he was also happy he had been allowed to enjoy this little family time with them, although he was only a stranger. Now that one of the people that had made him truly joyous — a feeling that had fled his soul since his mother's death — needed his help, he wouldn't hesitate one bit to assist in every possible way he could. That was for sure.
“Thank you so much, son. You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that,” she gave him a small smile, albeit it didn't reach her eyes but Jordan noticed that her shoulders that had been so tensed had finally sagged a bit.
Jordan waited patiently as he watched her hesitate for a moment, her eyes warily scanning the crowd in search of someone. When it seemed as though she had found who she was looking for, her form calmed even more before she turned back to focus on Jordan.
“Jordan dear,” she held his big hands tightly in her petite ones. “I'm sorry if this may seem really random but I can't go into details. It's not my secret to tell and I'm very sure when she's much more comfortable with you, she'll eventually open up, but for now, I can only ask this of you for her safety.”
Jordan frowned at her words, curiosity and worry boiling in his chest as he processed what she had just said, but nevertheless, he nodded as a sign for her to proceed. She gave him a brief smile before taking a moment to take a deep breath, seemingly hesitating.
“On the 15th day of every month, Emerald shouldn't be left alone by herself. Sometimes, it comes before the 15th, sometimes it comes after. But please dear,” she held on to him even tighter, “she should never be left alone,” she emphasised.
Jordan watched as tears welled up in her eyes. She let out a shaky breath and almost instantly, her husband, Luca was already by her side, wrapping his arms around her in support.
“I'm so sorry, Jordan. I'm so sorry I'm being emotional right now. It's just that since that tragedy had fallen her, I've always remained by her side. I've never let her handle her demons all by herself but now that she wants me to leave her be and go on our honeymoon, I can't help but feel like I'm betraying her somehow.
I know she always blames herself for everything that has happened, she always feels like she's a burden to Luca and I, she always wants to be independent and strong, but she just doesn't want to admit that even the strongest person out there sometimes needs someone to depend on, someone to rely on.” Jordan and Luca moved closer to her, trying to shield her from the view of any prying eyes.
Luca tightened his hold on her shoulders while Jordan rubbed circles on her palm comfortingly. “She doesn't seem to understand that Luca, Armani and I, as well as everyone else, is ready and willing to be her confidant, but only if she lets us in. She doesn't understand that and she keeps pushing herself, straining herself, all because of what happened in the past.”
At this point, she was already sobbing profusely, her whole body shaking as Luca held her to his chest, hiding her face from the sight of any peeking onlookers as they all stood together in the living room.
Jordan couldn't help the curiosity and worry that enshrouded his being, but apparently, worry seemed to have won. He had always had an hunch that Emerald had something going on in her life. Everyone had pasts, he was a living witness of that himself, but he hadn't thought that Emerald's would be this serious to make even the seemingly tough Luca, shed a tear.
“Son?” his eyes came into focus when he heard a voice. “We know you probably have a gazillion questions to ask us, but please, try to understand that it's not our story to tell. When my daughter is ready, she'll tell you everything, but on her own accord.” Luca explained softly. Jordan nodded.
After managing to garner some stability, Maggie turned around and held Jordan's hands even tighter this time. “Promise me, Jordan. Promise me you would look after her. Please,” she begged.
His eyes stared intently at her for a bit before looking up at Luca who also seemed expectant. He nodded, “I promise to look after her with my life, Mr. and Mrs. Romano.”
▬▬▬▬▬
But he hadn't. Today was the fifteenth day of the month and he hadn't been here for her. Jordan could vividly recall that day like it was yesterday. The day he had made such weighty promise regarding the core safety of a human being's life — and not just any human being — yet all this while, he had been too busy avoiding her existence to care or even fulfil his promise.
Jordan felt a crack in his knuckles as he clenched his fists so tightly together. The overwhelmingly consuming urge to punch a hole in the wall behind him and completely break his hands, filled him as anger and self–blame seized his being but seeing the state in which the woman he had vowed to protect with his own life, was, he had no choice but to stymie the raging anger he felt towards himself.
With unsteady breaths, he moved slowly and shakily towards her where she sat completely immobile on the floor, her back against the hallway wall as the sickening red pigment of her blood pooled around her hands.
Crouching down in front of her, Jordan stared at her cautiously but she seemed to be in deep thought as her lifeless green eyes were glazed over, appearing as though her soul was far away from her body.
Jordan's chest tightened with guilt and pain as he watched her silently. The hallway was engulfed in the metallic scent of her blood, further suffocating Jordan with ever–consuming penitence. Trying to speak through his heart which was heavily ladened with rue, he choked out, “Emerald.”
“Eme?” he called out again when she didn't respond.
“Gem,” he tentatively reached out and held her pallid face in his hands. His calloused hands trembled as he held her face, which was as white as a paper sheet. In response, her eyes finally came into focus and she stared at him, wordlessly.
Although her eyes held no emotion whatsoever, Jordan couldn't help but squirm internally as regret further filled his heart under her scorching gaze. Unable to take it anymore, he looked away from her eyes and down to her hands and the wave of regret that rushed at him asphyxiated him as his eyes latched themselves on to the view of her bloody arms.
An insufferable glob ensued in his throat as he looked around at the shards of glass surrounding both their frames. Multiple knives, empty containers, varied pills, alongside some liquids, which Jordan suspected to be cleaning agents and hair shampoo, also laid strewed on the floor around them.
He looked back at her to see that she was still staring at him, appearing to be gauging his reaction to what was around him. “Gem.” That seemed to be all he could say before staring speechlessly at her again.
A dry chuckle filled the otherwise, silent atmosphere and Jordan watched as her arid and wan lips parted, giving way to a lifeless laugh. After laughing for some seconds, she inhaled deep breaths, panting unsteadily; the laughter appeared to have taken much more of her strength than necessary.
“Eme–”
“I couldn't do it,” she laughed again. “I'm so fucking cowardly, I couldn't even summon the courage to take my own life. Once again, I'm still too selfish and inconsiderate enough to make you all suffer by having to endure my baneful existence,” her humourless chuckle bounced off the walls of the hallway.
“Emera–”
“I could've just ended things already. Everyone could've been celebrating the plague that had been finally removed from their lives but I still couldn't do it.” Tears trailed down her face as she continued laughing, her face contorted in the agony that encased her soul.
“I held the knife in my hands. Yes, I held it in my freaking shaky hands across my wrist but then, I remembered Mom. I remembered how pale and emaciated she had looked when I had woken up from a semi–coma after attempting suicide as a teenager. I remembered how my mother had suffered endlessly just to make me happy, just to make me well, to make me recover from. . .” she shuddered, “. . . Yet, I keep going back to the same thing I received therapy for,” she laughed, hot tears endlessly running a marathon down her cheeks.
“I'm a lost cause, a poltroon. I can't give my mother happiness, yet I still can't take away the one thing that causes her pain. Me. I couldn't deprive this world of the monster called Emerald Pearce,” her voice echoed with contempt as she called her own name.
She released a heavy breath before closing her eyes, sending Jordan into a state of panic. “Emerald?” he called out gently, already trying to fish out his car keys from his pants pocket but his eyes remained trained on her unmoving frame.
As he prepared to pick her up and make a mad dash through the door, she opened her eyes and spoke again, “I took pills, you know?” her lips stretched into a cold grin. “My tricyclic antidepressants. I think I must have even overdosed on them,” she laughed loudly, as though she had heard the greatest joke of the century.
“My doctor had said they would reduce my suicidal thoughts and tendencies. He had said that they would prevent my mood disorder, my inactivity and my difficulties in thinking straight, but now I realised he hadn't said that they would take away the aching in my chest,” she slowly and painfully moved her bloody hand to her chest, clutching the area.
“He hadn't said a word about them taking away the endless guilt I always feel. He hadn't said anything about the head–splitting migraine that always ensued every time I took the pill,” she grimaced in pain, her face hardening by the second. “To think that I had actually trusted and depended on some pills,” her face tightened up in a scowl, as if the idea of depending on anything was as outrageous as it came.
She closed her eyes again, catching her breath. Jordan noticed that she was having some difficulties with her breathing. Seemingly just awakening from a slumber of immobility, Jordan moved even closer to her, tremulously pulling her cold and bloody hands away from her chest and into his own calloused ones.
“Emerald, I'm so sorry,” he finally managed to choke out a complete sentence since he had entered the house. “I'm really, really sorry, Gem.” Just then, a tear drop slid down his face and he unashamedly let it fall.
Seeing the woman he had such intense feelings for – completely break down before him, did something to his heart. It broke him more than anything had ever done before. As he watched her crumble in agony before him, tears streaming down her blanched face as she bled both figuratively and literally – yet unable to do anything to help her – Jordan felt like he was being stabbed over and over and over again in his heart.
Just like the day his mother had died, Jordan's chest tightened painfully as his heart bled profusely for her. “Please forgive me, Gem. I'm so sorry,” the tears flowed heavily down his face as though the dam that had always held his emotions had finally been broken down.
“And then, there's you,” he heard her whisper before tardily opening her eyes to stare at him with her cold and inexpressive gaze. If Jordan had thought that she was emotionless before, that was nothing compared to how expressionless she was now.
“The first person I thought I could trust. The first person I thought I could blindly depend on. You know. . .” she stared at his chest, her gaze wandering afar as she appeared to be recollecting a memory. “. . . I was starting to imagine what it would feel like to not be in charge all the time, what it would feel like to rely on someone, to have someone to catch you when you fall, to have someone you could call your own.
I was beginning to fantasize about how good that would feel and somehow, all of my fantasies always end up with your face being the image behind the blurry picture.” Jordan could feel his heart thumping loudly at her soft yet intense undertone. He gulped.
“I couldn't continue to deny the unfamiliar tension between us, not mattering how much I wanted to refute its existence and I'm well aware that not only I, can feel this attraction,” her eyes zoned in on him, caging him in their ardency. Jordan grasped onto her every word like they were his lifeline.
She looked away as she continued, “That kiss,” she smiled, albeit sadly, “I couldn't stop thinking about it. That was the first kiss I've had that actually made me feel that supposed, cliche toe–curling feeling that these romance novels always described.
But somehow, beneath all of this girly happiness, there was this nagging feeling that always tried to remind me that this all was too good to be true but I was too blinded to realise. And ultimately, it did turn out to be just that. Fantasies. Castles in the air. Nothing more.”
“No.” Jordan whispered, shaking his head. He had really fucked up. Big time. He was happy that she had actually thought about the kiss, that she had actually seen him as someone she could rely on, but in truth, he knew he was losing her.
He knew she had dependency issues, he was well aware of how big of a deal it was for her to rely on someone, yet she had been willing to give him a chance. But now, that was all ruined, all because of his cowardice and insecurities. Something he could've talked to her about – according to Keelan.
She heaved an aquiver breath, letting her head fall back on the wall behind her; she appeared to be completely exhausted by everything that was happening. She seemed to be giving up on everything and anything, she seemed to be giving up on him.
“What hurts me the most is how you could have made such a grave promise and not even have the decency to fulfill it.” Jordan stilled at her words, hoping against hope that she wasn't talking about the vow he had made to her parents. “I was there that day. You guys were nowhere to be found and I had walked into the house to look for you, but had stumbled upon the depressing atmosphere instead. And that's not even what torments my soul.
It's the fact that I had actually been expectant of this day. For the first time ever, I was actually looking forward to the days of my utmost misery. I was looking forward to being cared for by someone other than my Mom and Luca. I was looking forward to being cared for by you.
You sounded so firm, so certain that you would be there for me, that you were going to ‘protect me with your life’,” she laughed loudly, “and like the fool that I was, I had actually believed you. I hadn't cared that I was making my parents cry on their wedding day, the day that was supposed to be the happiest day of their lives. I had been so clouded by my delusions of being finally happy after all these years, not knowing that it was just in the moment. It was never supposed to last.”
A river of tears streamed down Jordan's face as his heart raced erratically in his chest. She was getting it all wrong. She was misunderstanding him and it was all his fault. “Emerald, please. It's not like that. It's not what you think at all. Please,” he begged, clutching her hands as tightly yet softly as possible.
She shook her head, still resting against the wall with eyes closed. “The first person I had decided to give a chance turned out to be faux. You gave me hope. . .” her voice broke, “. . . and then, ruthlessly snatched it away,” she opened her bloodshot eyes and stared directly into Jordan's eyes. “Why?” her lips quivered, her jaw shook as the rain of painful tears poured down her face. “What did I ever do to you?”
Jordan was speechless as he stared at her accusing gaze, his own tears pouring down his face as well. “I'm sorry,” that was all he could manage to say. “I'm so sorry.”
“No!” she shook her head, aggressively pulling her hands out of his, wincing at the action. “Don't apologise. Your apologies in no way, ease the aching in my chest. The pain is there, it is very much still there!” she sobbed, her body trembling vehemently. “It hurts, Jordan. It hurts so much.”
With a sob racking out of his chest, out of the hole in his heart, Jordan pulled her cold and delicate body into his warm and sturdy one. She fought against him, trying to push him away but Jordan begged profusely until in both mental, emotional and physical fatigue, she gave into him and bawled her soul out.
Jordan held tightly onto her, pulling her into his laps while mumbling endless apologies with tears free falling down his visage. He could only hope that she would find it in her heart to forgive him.
He tried to control himself. He couldn't let his emotions get the best of him. This was the first time he had cried in years. He hadn't even shed a tear when he had come home to meet his mother's dead body awaiting him as a birthday present. He hadn't shed a tear at her funeral, neither had he cried when Carol had been taken away from him.
But now, he cried. He cried for his mother, he cried for all of the pain and sufferings his sister had had to endure at such a young age, he cried for Maggie and Luca – parents who felt like they were losing their child with each passing day, he cried for himself, because he knew he had lost her before even having her and then, he cried for her.
His heart, his soul, his entire being bled for her, for all she had had to go through as a child and even as an adult. He bled for her fears, for her tears, for every blood that had been spilled from her body, for her trampled hopes and happiness and for every waning breath she took.
He bled with every drop of tear that fell down both their faces.
