Chapter 17-Surrender

He froze.

He knew what she had found, but he didn’t want to accept it. Tami wasn’t supposed to see that. At least not yet.

Slowly, he tilted his head in her direction, seeing her holding up a bottle of the pills he hadn’t touched in days, between her slim fingers. He gulped, spinning fully to face her and her questioning eyes.

"They're uh-" He didn’t know how to put it.

Tami saw his reluctance, or uncertainty rather, and took the job of reading them herself.

'Ambilify', it read, and she knew too well from studies what they were. She grabbed another bottle, knowing that it was probably wrong to be snooping around his possessions like this, but she was concerned.

'Lamictal'. She held both bottles in her hands and gazed between them and him. All the steam, all the anger and all the heat from their former argument went flying through the window as if it was never there. She frowned when she saw that he wouldn’t meet her eyes for more than a second. He was nervous.

"Raph?" she called, and his heart swelled at the familiar nickname. Still, he didn’t look up to meet her. "Why would you need mood stabilizers and antipsychotics?"

He squeezed his eyes shut as his jaw ticked. He wasn’t annoyed or irritated by her question, he simply didn’t want to answer. "Exactly what the name suggests, Tami. They are mood stabilizers. It's quite self-explanatory." His harsh tone wasn’t intentional, but the rate of his heart and the anxiety rising in his spine pushed him to a familiar edge.

He heard the almost inaudible sigh of Tami, as she shuffled closer to him. His head snapped up when she rested her hand on his knee, and his eyes immediately met her brown ones as she smiled softly.

"Will you tell me?" came her soft request. But the last thing he wanted to do was talk about it. "Please?"

Raphael sighed. He knew he couldn’t deny her request. But, how will she see him after this? Will she be even more eager to escape and be rid of him? Will she feel burdened by his unusual condition?

Over the days, he had tried endlessly to keep his mood in line as to not scare or upset her more than she already was.

That was the exact reason why he left for hours after a fight, and only checked in on her when it was time for her meals. He didn’t want to withdraw himself from her as he felt like doing so many times. But then again, it was impossible because he always wanted to be around her.

She made him feel peace within himself, even though they argued 70% of the time they were together.

But in a different view, he couldn’t help but acknowledge her mood and stance towards him now. She knew what the pills were for, and her eyes seemed the kindest and calmest since the day he took her.

Pity, maybe. Sympathy and empathy. It couldn’t be anything but that. As much as he was grateful for ANY sort of emotion from her other than disgust and hate, he didn’t want her pity either. But would he tell her that?

"Come on," she said. "Let's go in here." She grabbed the bandages that she had originally wanted, as she led him towards his couch across from his bed in the grand room.

Tami gently gripped his hand as she slowly wrapped the bandage around his busted knuckles. Silently with her eyes, she asked him to talk, and Raphael understood quite clearly what she wanted.

He hung his head with a deep sigh before he began. He might as well tell her.

"I-I have BPD," he finally said, almost in a whisper. Her hands paused as she glanced up at him.

"Borderline Personality Disorder?"

He nodded. "Well, I actually have Quiet BPD. It's different because, well..." He didn’t quite know how to explain it, but luckily for him, Tami knew it all.

Even though her degree was more about medicine than psychology, she touched that part of studying for about a year in her undergraduate degree. She understood quite well.

"I didn’t know," Tami mumbled as guilt swamped her nerves. She hung her head with a slight pout of her lips as she made the final wrap in the bandage. Tami didn’t quite understand why she felt guilty, but this was the pity that Raphael didn’t want.

"I didn’t grow up feeling...wanted," he explained. "I was neglected by both my parents, and you were the only real friend I've ever known. All the others in high school were either scared of me or wanted to use me. The same went for college, and when I started working in my mother's business for managerial training, all relationships were solely work-related even until now. But it was my childhood that really--I don’t know--made it happen?" His statement sounded more like a question, but Tami understood. "I've never really had a stable relationship, and behind closed doors, my parents weren’t the nicest to me. The psychiatrists suggested that was the cause of the development or whatever."

His cheeks reddened as he blushed, and the beautiful splash of sunlight that shone on his face as the sun went to bed enhanced the action even more. Tami offered him a small smile as she squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"Raphael, look at me," she prompted, and he had never heard her voice so soft and kind. "There is nothing to be ashamed of. Millions of people worldwide live with things like this every day, most of the reasons were out of their control. I'm sorry for what you've been through." Her mind went back to Raphael at summer camp, and how he once mentioned that he was staying with his father, and his father only sent him to camp to be rid of him.

At eight years old it didn’t strike her as much; but now being grown and seeing the effects of it made her think.

Raphael said she was the only real friend he ever knew. Was that why he took her?

"I couldn't have known though," she wondered out loud. "You seemed so fine." Tami suddenly felt guilt for all the times she accused him of being crazy.

If she'd known what he had to endure all his life, maybe she would've been more susceptible to his reasoning. Of course, there were more ways he could've gone about his pursuit of her. That fact will always stand. But was it her Raphael--the Raphael she knew at summer camp-- who was calling out for her love and friendship as he once knew? As the only one, he ever knew?

The pressure of it all didn’t even weigh on her that much, but she was actually glad they had that fight. She was glad she jumped from that cliff and almost killed herself. Because if that hadn't happened, she wouldn’t have known this.

"I keep my moods stable around you. And when you're smiling or happy, I don’t even have to try," he admitted. "But when we fight, I withdraw myself for hours because...well-" He didn’t quite know how to put it in words.

How does he tell her that his fear of abandonment and rejection makes him withdraw himself from her from time to time because it hurts so much to have her do just that every day?

He wouldn’t tell her. Of course not.

Raphael didn’t want her to think he was guilt-tripping her, and he also didn't want her to feel like she'd been the source of his sorrow when in reality, he had been the source of hers for days.

"Is-is that why you took me?" She didn’t want to ask the question, but it had been gnawing away at her mind. It was a quite offensive question to ask too, she realized, hence why she didn’t want to suggest it.

"Heavens, no." He shook his head, knowing he couldn’t blame Quiet BPD for what he did. In fact, it would've made him want to stay away from her rather than take her, because of the fear of rejection.

"I'm sorry," she replied quickly, seeing that she might've offended him. "I was just thinking..."

"I took you, Tami, because I can't see you leaving my life again without knowing you're mine. I took you because I had just found you back, and you were going to leave with some Malik person. I took you because I need you. I need you because you're my peace."

She met his eyes again with teary but blazing ones, feeling a contradictory storm brewing inside her. "So why hadn’t you told me, Raphael?" Her voice betrayed her by breaking. "Why didn’t you sit me down and tell me how you felt? I would've stayed the summer with you if that's what you wanted."

He buried his head in his hands as his temples throbbed again. "How would've I looked to you if only after the second day of seeing you in sixteen years, I started to pour out my misery and desperation for you, Tami? You would've thought I lost my mind."

"I thought you lost your mind either way. You kidnapped me Raph, and then you demanded that I fall for you by the end of summer. There was no heartfelt explanation, nothing."

"I'm used to getting what I want-"

"With money." She wasn’t supposed to let that one slip, but she already said it. Regret. If she could take them back, she would've.

Raphael raised his head from his palms to ogle her. He could feel the fire of the previous argument knocking on the door again, begging to be let in. But he didn’t want it to. He couldn’t deal with it.

"I'm used to getting what I want--" he started again. "--so I didn’t realize I had been doing the same with you until it was too late. I didn’t consider that I...that I'd be hurting you this much until I was already in too deep. And if I'm being honest Tami, I didn’t want to let you go. I'm probably cruel, selfish and arrogant but I refused to let you go, especially knowing that you're upset with me." He sighed as he decided to add a 'but'. "But if you don’t want to be stuck here anymore, I-I'll let you go. I'll find another way to deal with my darkness."

After everything, he was finally willing to do it. It was the fact that he'd been thinking about the cliff, and now that she knows more about him that made him do it. He couldn't help the feeling.

He tore his gaze away from hers as he rose to his feet. He didn’t want to see her leave, so he immediately made for the balcony. Raphael didn’t want to see when she made a victorious run for the hills of freedom. He didn’t want to see when she walked out of his life forever and for the first time, he didn’t even want to see her smile that he knew would pull on her lips when she realized she was free.

But his body tensed when he felt small fingers curling around his arm. The open space of the balcony was equipped by two, and he slowly bowed his head to his left where he felt her presence.

Tami looked like a celestial queen in the beam of the sunset, as its rays highlighted the warmth and tone of her olive complexion. The rough evening sea breeze did its best to her curls that waved in a majestic dance from her head. But the most beautiful, was her hazel eyes piercing his soul with a silent message that he'd never thought he'd hear from her.

He had hoped at numerous times, yes. Even when she came to dress his wound, hope sparked in him that she might've been warming up to him. But deep down, the doubt had done its best to him afterwards, and it wasn’t until now when she let her walls down and showed him the truth, that he saw that hope coming to reality.

"Tami." Her name felt like a sweet song on his lips as he cupped her cheek with his hand. She smiled up at him as she did the same with him.

Finally and completely, she had let him in. She had listened to what her heart truly wanted and made it true.

Tami hated that it had to take a revelation like this to break down her stubborn walls, but she recognized her Raphael now. She saw the vulnerable nine-year-old that needed her help back then. Even though she wouldn’t consider her decision now as 'help', as that would only seem like she pitied him, she knew this was what she wanted to do.

"Raphael," she mimicked. "I'm sorry for what I said about your money. I'm sorry for making you feel like I don’t want you to. Because I do."

"You do?" It had been set in stone, he thought. She said it out of her mouth, so it had to be real.

Tami nodded as she smiled brighter, but she could still see uncertainty in his eyes.

How could she have forgiven him? He wasn’t sure. Didn’t she still want to leave him? Won't she jump from another cliff to get away from him? Won't she plot any more schemes to be rid of him?

It didn’t seem so, because to clear all his doubts, Tami rose to the tip of her toes, and crashed her lips to his.