Chapter 47

Z A R A

"I don't have the answer to that, my love," Alejandro answers. "You'll only find out after you pull the trigger."

"You call me 'my love', yet those words don't hold any meaning for you. Why?" My voice cracks.

I'm so tired. I'm so very tired. He picks up his bloodied hand, covered in the aftermath of torture that he endured, and gently places it against my cheek. I lean into his hand and squeeze my eyes shut, letting a few tears slip out.

I shove the tip of the gun further against his Adam's apple, my hand shaking over the trigger. I let out a sad chuckle. Why is this so hard? I should be able to pull this trigger with no problem. This man... he did me no good, no good at all. Then, why? Why is it so difficult to end the part of my life that's causing me suffering?

"I can't do it," I whisper loud enough for only Alejandro to hear. "I can't..." Yet his eyes give away nothing, he's accepted the fate that his death is from my hands.

"What's taking you so long, Zara?" Philip interrupts. "The root of your problems will disappear. You'll get to live again."

Live again? What life will I live again?

If I turn around and shoot Philip instead, will either of us make it out alive? I'll get triple the bullets flying towards Alejandro and me instead.

"Fine, whatever," Philip says as he winces slightly from his fresh wound. "He's protected you for this long but in the end, he only failed."

I scoff. "Protected me? In what way?"

Philip raises a brow, glancing over at Alejandro whose eyes are locked on mine. He smirks as if acknowledging that Alejandro has left me in the dark this whole time. Again.

"You didn't brag to her about how long you've been keeping her away from me?" Philip asks Alejandro. "Though you've done a terrible job at it."

I blink. "What is he talking about?"

Alejandro looks away. "It doesn't matter. It's not important, not anymore."

"Zara, Zara, Zara," Philip makes a tsk sound. "You've been my target for years."

"W-What?" I gasp, not understanding where this is going.

"This bastard here grabbed you a day before I was going to take you away because he's kept an eye on you for years," Philip says. "He's been protecting you in his own twisted way, however, the end goal was to make sure you survived. He almost succeeded. Almost."

I look back at Alejandro, who looks defeated yet the anger in his eyes burns even brighter than before.

I drop to the floor, the stinging and aching of all the injuries slowly settling in, making everything unbearable.

"Tell me," I say quietly to Alejandro. "If I am to die here, I want the whole truth."

He sighs, still managing to feel irritated during a life or death situation. I would've made a snarky comment or rolled my eyes if we were under different circumstances.

Philip's grinning from across the room, enjoying every second that we fall apart right before our deaths.

"He's right," Alejandro finally says. "Finding you that day wasn't a coincidence, I knew you'd be there because I've been keeping up with your whereabouts ever since you graduated."

• • •

A L E J A N D R O

"Stalker," she mutters, making the corner of my lips quirk up slightly.

"My informants relayed the message that Philip wanted to use you against me," I start. "He'd been planning since a few months after senior year graduation. I'm assuming Elijah ratted us out."

"No need to assume, it is a confirmed statement," Philip ratifies my presumption.

"Ironically, my informant was also Elijah," I say, making Philip frown. "I was able to keep an eye out on you because of his warning."

"How about I give you two your last moments in private together? Aren't I just so very charitable?" Philip says as he hunches in pain, walking out of the room.

That bastard only gave us time together because he needs medical attention. Fucker.

I clench my fists, wanting nothing more than to break his teeth in but I'm unarmed with no manpower, along with four rifles pointed straight towards Zara and me through the door.

"Continue," Zara says, her tone flat.

I take in a deep breath and I tell her everything. I didn't want to involve her in my chaotic life, I was never going to be that selfish and I prepared myself for it.

I was already fucked as it was. My lifestyle was too erratic, too inconsistent, and too overbearing. I had many needs and wants that I knew Zara wouldn't be able to handle because her good nature wouldn't allow it. Her morals and ethics wouldn't allow it.

Maybe that's why I was so drawn to her, she was—is—everything I'm not. She has the warmest smile, the sweetest laughter, the softest gaze. She's kind, compassionate, sympathetic, and tender. One look from her brings me to my knees—but that's what made her all too dangerous, all the reason why she could never be mine and all the reason why an inch of my life should never touch her.

I'm an impatient man, raised to wreak havoc and create chaos everywhere I went. I get what I want when I want it. My anger has no bound and I have no control over myself, physically or emotionally. I knew I'd hurt her meaninglessly because of the lack of control I have, something no one has ever taught me to manage. My father raised me with certain morals and ethics that I found absurd because those same morals and ethics were thrown right back at his face by his wife—my own mother.

He gave respect and love, she gave him shame and heartbreak. He gave her wealth and happiness, she embezzled and gave him sorrow. He gave her strength and loyalty, but she became his weakness and committed adultery against him.

Though he was a respected, powerful man in the Cosa nostra, he only ever wanted that from one woman. So I became him without the virtues and moral codes. I became a monster, destroying anyone's path who dares to challenge me.

Despite being raised by my father with enough love, respect, and attention, I chose to be the feared leader I am today. Why? Simple because I enjoy it, nothing more or less.

I flourish and thrive knowing that one look from me can send a man running for the hills only to plummet to his own death. I'm a sadistic bastard who finds pleasure in others' pain, especially if it's caused by me. I feel powerful knowing that I'm untameable, and uncontrollable. In fact, I have no interest in finding any moralistic control because this is who I wanted to be from the start. No one demanded it, no one required of me to be so cruel, so evil yet this is who I am. I relish the title of a heartless monster, I feel a high from the immense power I hold at my fingertips, and I bathe in the dominance I hold over others.

My father wasn't anything like this. He was raised by his father with love and respect, just as he raised me. But maybe, just maybe, I get this trait from my fucked up mother. The only good thing she's ever given me is the trait of never giving a single fuck. I rejoice about the fact that I'll never have anyone hold me back like my mother did to my father.

Or so I thought.

Zara walked into my life and did the one thing I hated the most: made me want to see a future without destruction. And that was not going to happen because I couldn't let it happen. The moment I realized I was drawn to her, I began ignoring her. I barely spoke to her, I gave her the cold shoulder yet she kept coming back, asking simple things like, how I am, if I'm eating well, and how my classes are going. It kept going until I couldn't help but give in little by little until I was completely lost in thoughts of her.

And then, the day I was going to leave it all behind, leave her behind, her soft, untainted lips touched the tip of my nose, just a quick brush against my skin and it drove me to utter insanity. My body burned with dangerous desire, the feeling far more intense than any sex I've ever had.

"That day, I knew I had to leave and never return to you because all I wanted to do was take you with me, make you mine and fuck you to infinity," I say as I glance down at Zara.

She's still listening intently, drinking every word but she doesn't have an expression that could tell me what she's thinking.

So, I continue. "Philip forced my hand to re-enter your life, even though I swore you off."

Zara's the one person who could make me lose my edge, the one person who I hadn't seen in years, the one person I insolently cut off all kinds of communication with. And she's the one person I swore I wouldn't bring back into my life because I'm a raging beast and though she's a beauty, she isn't meant to be a beast tamer.

Her heart was too pure, too beautiful, and I knew that in the process of trying to tame me, she would succumb to the darkness instead and that's exactly what happened.

I tainted her, I broke her, I ruined her beyond repair and in the end, she didn't become the beast tamer, just as I had predicted. Instead, she soaked up my dark traits and became part-beast herself.

And I knew all along that I—this beast—never was human, I was always the monster everyone perceived. Therefore, there was never a man within the beast whom she could tame and bring back. There was no man to bring back because a man, who would have a moral compass, never existed in the first place. There was the beast and only the beast that ever existed within me.

Therefore, the plan was simple. I wanted her to emotionally detach herself from me. I wanted to make sure that once the outside threats were taken care of, I'd send her back and she wouldn't want anything to do with me.

Sending her back was the plan, it was always the plan until I decided that that's not the route I want to take anymore. Every minute I spent near her, set every nerve in my body on fire. My fingers ached to touch her skin, my lips craved her taste and it was just like before. Little by little, my thoughts were her and only her.

Did I come to love her? I don't know. My mind can't differentiate between love, lust, and possession because I never bothered to understand such measly things. I don't understand but I was certain that she's mine and there's no fucking way I'll let her be with anyone else. And I always got what I want, no matter the consequences.

Thus, I did to her what I do best: cause destruction. I was cruel to her, I crushed her, I made her life a living hell to make her realize she has no one else but me in this life. I tormented her until she couldn't physically or emotionally depend on anyone but me.

However, I didn't understand the limitations of her punishments because I never had to think about limits. I never had to set boundaries, I never had to reflect too hard on how I had to proceed with torment. I didn't understand how much I was pushing her until her soul fell to its death caused by me until she no longer was the Zara I came to know.

I fucked her up and made her into someone I can't recognize anymore, yet, at the same time, I can because her eyes have started reflecting the same insanity that burns within me.

"I am a monster in the disguise of a man, my love. There's no saving me, that was never an option because this is who I am, I'm truly this fucked." I crouch down in front of her after finishing the explanation, picking up her hand that's still gripping the gun.

I use her hand to place the cool tip of the heavy firearm against my temple. "The moral of this story is that the only way to rid the Earth of a scum like me is to pull the trigger or else I'm not going anywhere."

Surprisingly, she lets go of the grip she had on the gun. She presses her forehead against mine, tired and breathless. She's lost the will to fight, she's lost the twinkle in her eyes, and she's no longer Zara Khan-Genovese.

• • •

Z A R A

It must've been my fault for always reaching out to him constantly even when he ignored me. I must be the reason I am where I am right now because he sure did try to cut me off. I should've given up on trying to befriend him, that would've definitely led me down a different path.

He's right, he's completely right. I thought I would turn out to be a beast tamer, never realizing that Alejandro was never human, to begin with.

He was truly interested in me, I bewildered him for reasons unknown to both him and me. He says he doesn't understand love yet when he speaks about me, it almost sounds like love... almost.

Oh, how things would've been different if he realized it's okay to love, it's okay to be gentle, and it's okay to give your half to someone who would've protected it with their entire soul.

No point in thinking about the what-ifs and things I should've done differently because what can those thoughts do to me, now that I'm on the verge of death because of those decisions?

There's no point in lying or hiding things now. There's no point in secrets. Alejandro bared out everything to me and I should do the same, though they're less dark compared to his. My secrets are filled with love, hope, fantasies I'll never get to fulfill, and lives I'll never get to live. But in a way, they're much more heartbreaking, tragic, and harrowing.

"You know," I begin as I gently trace his jaw with my index finger. "I did—do—love you."

His body stiffens at the words.

"I know, it sounds crazy but I haven't been sane in a long while, have I?" I chuckle quietly. "I fell in love with you back in high school, but I thought it was a silly first love, I thought I'd eventually forget but, surprise, I never did."

"I kept the ring close to my chest every day, letting it provide me with a false sense of comfort. Which, by the way, did not match my sense of style and always looked out of place," I smile sadly, teasing slightly as I see the ring shimmer against my finger. "I'd hope one day, I'd catch a glimpse of you on the streets or see your name on TV or hear news about you through old friends just for some peace of mind."

His hands snake around my waist, carefully pulling me atop his thighs. He lets me rest my head on his shoulders, for which I'm grateful for because I can't bear to look at him in the eyes right now.

"I hate you, you do things like this and expect me to believe that you never loved me," I mutter as I wrap my arms around his neck. "But I guess it's not hard to believe that you don't love me when you treat me like absolute shit."

"Zara..." his voice comes out hoarse, almost needy.

He tries not to pull me any closer, paying mind to my deep injuries. But I know it's killing him inside not being able to hold me any closer. Knowing him, he wants to push himself into me right now. The thought makes me roll my eyes but I wish we were in our silk sheets rather than in this dark, bloodied room breathing our last breaths.

"It wasn't some silly first love, I guess I did truly love you. And the deranged thing is, I'm sure I still do, or else why couldn't I pull the trigger on the man who broke me?"

The gun lays beside me, my conscious weighing in on the thought of pulling the trigger on myself but that won't do me any good in the afterlife, would it?

I laugh bubbles at the base of my throat, threatening to come out. Love? What the actual fuck? Why? How does that make any damn sense? Why do I still love him?

Is it because of the false image I still have of him? Is it because he's all I have left?

"Why would you do this? Why would you rip me apart, leaving me for death?" My bottom lip trembles, feeling defeated.

"I did it to save you or so I thought," he mumbles.

"You did an absolute shit job at it, then," I say. "Was it worth it? Did you at least have fun ruining me?"

He doesn't answer. He's quiet, quieter than usual. Has he also accepted his own death? Will he fight to get out after I've passed?

Somewhere along the line of being mentally and physically tormented, I began depending on him. I think about if we somehow miraculously survive all of this, I don't think I would be able to know life without him.

Sickening. This is all sickening.

I'm unhinged, a manic, a lunatic, and Alejandro's wife and the mother of his unborn child. I guess I fit perfectly into his chaotic world now.

"Did you have any baby names in mind? Do you think it's a girl or a boy?" I break the silence with more morbid questions.

At first, he doesn't answer. Then, he simply says, "Girl."

"Why?"

"I don't want someone like me to be born into this world."

"That's not how it works," I frown because technically, the girl can turn out to be like him too.

"Maybe it does," he shrugs.

He's thinking about how he's like his mother even though he was raised by his father. Maybe he's right, maybe if we had a son, he'd turn out like his father but that doesn't mean his daughter wouldn't. Or maybe he thinks the daughter would have a lesser chance of being like him because of me. I'm too tired to ask him to explain.

"Liyana, I'd name her Liyana," he suddenly answers the question.

"And if it were a boy?" I ask, out of curiosity.

"Dante," he answers.

"Any particular reasons for the names?"

He shrugs, brushing off the question.

It brings me a small bit of comfort knowing that he's thought of this. He cares, even if it's not for me, he cares for the child because his father was a good role model as a parent—or as good of a role model as he can be for a man overseeing a large criminal organization.

"Alejandro," I whisper.

"Hm?"

"Can I ask you for one last favor?" My voice comes out soft.

He shifts, allowing me to continue.

"If you have to choose between the child or me, choose the child," I say.

"What do you mean?" He sounds almost defensive.

"If you survive—and there's a possibility that Philip might spare you to feel what he felt when you killed his father—and if there's a chance you could either save me or our baby, please choose the baby."

I'm thinking if I slip into a coma or if there's a way to keep the baby growing even if I can't do it myself, I want Alejandro to choose the new life.

He slowly pulls me off his shoulder so I'd meet his eyes. His gaze is fiery and heated but I'm confused by his reaction.

"No," he states flatly.

"What?" I ask, feeling genuinely confused.

"No, I'm not losing you," he says.

I'm taken back by his words. "But—"

"No. End of discussion," his tone leaves no room for complaints. "I'll choose you, I'll always choose you. I'll forever choose you over everyone and everything, Zara. Don't make me think otherwise."

Before I can argue, Philip bursts through the door looking pale from the loss of blood but he's all bandaged up.

"I'm sure you two had fun exchanging your last few words," the winning grin is plastered on his face. "It's time to say goodbye to your beloved wife, Alejandro Genovese."

In my last moments of desperation, I beg Alejandro, "Don't be childish. I have no use in this world anymore. I've lived enough, I've seen enough, and I don't know if I'll be able to continue living with all that I've gone through. But our baby, it hasn't even seen the world yet."

"Zara—"

"Move, Genovese, or I won't hesitate to blow off your head," Philip threatens.

"Shut up, Philip!" Alejandro yells.

Philip rolls his eyes. "Whatever, you asked for—"

I jump for the gun and aim at Philip.

"You wouldn't, Princess," he smirks.

"Oh, but I would," I grin back as I pull the trigger.

"Zara, no!" I hear Alejandro shout before numerous bullets fly across the room.

Miraculously, with all the pain and unstableness, I land a hit on Philip's chest right near his heart—or maybe even on his heart. I feel too disoriented to be able to confirm the exact location of the bullet. I mentally thank Charlotte for all her training. Now that Philip's out of the way, maybe

Alejandro can...

I look down as the adrenaline pumps through my body, numbing me, and realize the worst of it. Unfortunately, two of bullets from Philip's men ended up in my body and I instantly slump against the floor, bleeding out at an extremely fast rate.

Alejandro manages to grab the gun off of my hand and in the matter of seconds, lands to shoot all four men point-blank in the forehead before they could even blink. But the only reason he was able to do so was because of the distraction I created.

"Where was this talent when we needed it?" I choke as I tease him one last time.

He falls down on his knees, picking up my head and placing it on his lap.

"No, no, no, no..."

"I've never seen you with so much concern in your eyes for me," I try to giggle but it only comes out as a bloodied cough.

"Zara, this is not the time to be fucking funny." He takes off his shirt, trying to use it as a means of stopping the blood near my stomach. "Hold on, please. Just hold on a bit longer. I have men on the way here, they'll..." He stops as he takes in the sight of me. The dark liquid has absorbed through the material in an instant.

"I've always enjoyed seeing you shirtless. It's a yummy view," I give him a weak grin.

"Zara," he says with warning that his patience is running thin.

I pout. "What? This is my time to start speaking my mind. What other time will I get the chance to tell you that I enjoyed it when you fucked me in public?"

I only say this to get a reaction out of him but he only narrows his eyes.

I'm the one dying, why is he so cranky?

"It'll be okay, death isn't that bad," I say, trying to comfort him. "You'll be okay. Knowing you, you'll forget me soon enough."

"Why? Why would you do something so foolish?" His hands are cold and trembling within mine in utter fear... fear of losing me.

"Because I love you and I hate you. I couldn't bear to watch you die yet I wanted you to suffer for all that you did to me."

"I thought I was protecting you, I thought Philip would never get to you, I thought..."

"You thought wrong," my voice cracks as every nerve in my body begins to shut down. "I wish you learned to love when your father taught you."

He kisses my forehead, then my cheeks, and then finally, my lips, desperately hoping I pull through. The blood dripping from my lips stains his mouth a murderous red. Fitting for a murderer like himself, no?

"You can't fucking leave me, Zara," the desperation in his voice hurts me even more so. "I'll be all alone. You're all I have, you're all I have fucking left. Please, stay. I need you more than you can think."

"I can't stay, Alejandro. You know that" I pull closer against him, seeking the last bit of warmth from his body.

Slowly, his eyes are glaze over, emotions draining from them as the realization sinks in that he doesn't understand the feelings swirling within him. He truly doesn't have the humane capacity to understand the complexity of our emotions.

It is in this moment, as the last bits of my consciousness slip away from me, that I realize that he does love me. In his own vile, deranged, and broken way, he does truly love me. He always has.

"I love you, Alejandro Genovese," I say weakly, gasping for my last breath. "But I pray you never find peace for I hope the thoughts of me keep you awake for the remaining days of your life. Because as much as I love you, I hate you almost as much for making me suffer to no ends."

"Zara, please," his voice breaks as he begs me to hold on just a bit longer. "I'll be better, I'll do better. I'll..."

He knows there's nothing he can do to make this stop or to reverse time. He knows that, even if I survive, there's a chance that he never may change, no matter how much he tries. He knows that he's a monster and that's that. He has to accept defeat. His first ever defeat and possibly his last.

I remember the promise I made him months ago and ironically, those words are now our reality.

I bleed out, taking my last few breaths that will take me away from the man who created Hell on Earth for me, and the only man whom I've ever loved, leaving him forever.

My trembling hands splayed against his cheek, tilting his head down for my lips to reach the tip of his nose. One last gesture for old time's sake, I think to myself. My lips linger on his skin for a long moment before I pull away.

I smile softly at him, but he doesn't smile back. He's broken, any sense of life has left his eyes, he's empty and hollow.

Oh, how cruel life can be. "Goodbye, my love, my tormentor, my broken prince. Goodbye, my Alejandro."

And as I close my eyes one last time, the world goes dark.

- A/N -

I hope this chapter completely ruined you and devastated you to no end. >.< I am not responsible for your mental state and will not be funding your therapy bills.