Chapter Nine

NINE

The lantern shop now has a different look. I stand outside and admire the best models displayed at the window. Anyone would want to stop and check out a piece or two here. I am wearing joggers and a round neck t-shirt Zuri gave me with an ugly sandals she bought around the shop. The sandals has double crossings that reminds me of the Spartans.

‘’I told you it's cool,’’ I say as I walk into the shop.

She claps her hands together with her full teeth on display. ‘’Yeah?’’

I nod with a smile. Contrary to our thoughts and her excitement, people are not flooding in as expected. They just come in twos and look around but buy nothing. I have food and a comfortable place to return to. None of the sales made here is enough of my business but I love to excel. Lack of productivity infuriates me.

My personal assessment of my grades has always been at the top. Even though I stole the question papers and scored myself, I was still a force to be reckoned with. Don't misunderstand me; I'm just trying to be funny. I do not miss school. I particularly hate being bound by rules and silly disciplinary measures.

The fifth potential customer for the day walks in. I immediately approach her. She says she was attracted by the lanterns at the window.

‘’ So you want something like what is at window?’’ I ask.

She shakes her head and tightens her hold on her handbag. ‘’I don't know. Are they not too expensive?’’

‘’ They are affordable and if you want to negotiate the price, the manager could give room for that.’’

She smiles. I smile back while my insides churned. I want to take back the last conversations I had - all the smiling and that voice! That voice one used to convince a child. It was not me. I am not nice in that way. I do not enjoy degrading myself in that manner.

Zuri is looking at the customer as I approach. I wave in front of her and point outside before leaving the shop. Outside some boys and young girls are gathered around the naked statue. They are making silly poses with the statue as usual.

I have never belonged to a group or clique. Never had anything or anyone to call my own. Not even Kent. He was not mine. He was someone I was with until he found someone I could let him be with. It was not an agreement between us but it was there - unspoken yet agreed upon.

Out of everyone in the world, if Kent should die, I will shed a tear at his graveside. I did care about him. He was like me; he had anger hidden inside of him. Kent could also tell my story because we shared the same plot. Just that in his case, it was his mother who stripped him of his innocence.

There is someone leaning on the platform the statue is on. The spit in my mouth dries up. Her hair is combed forward. It falls over her face. She is looking at me with her arms folded. She looks like she's taking a pose and I am the camera.

I am not afraid. It is as if I'm filled with the confidence that this is an open place and the strangers surrounding me will fight for me.

We do not move. We keep staring at each other like a battle. She leans off the platform and stands erect with a hand in her leather pants. My heart thuds like a big ball on a wooden floor. As she begins to walk away, I am tempted to hop on my feet and follow her.

I look at the window of the shop and around. I could follow her - I had a gun - that I did not know how to use. I turn my eyes to the direction she walked. She is no longer in view. It is either she walks too fast or she also has own shortcut.

I inhale and let it out. The urge to hit myself is there. It is overwhelming so I walk to a wall and hit my head on it. I continue hitting my head desperate to forget my carelessness. I should not have taken a job in this place. I shouldn't have done that. Now I'm living in the open like a sitting duck.

I first feel a pat then a grip on my arm. I stop harming myself and turn to Zuri's face. She takes my hand but I take it back and keep it on the straps of the teddy as I follow her back inside.

She closes the door and turns the sign to show 'closed'. I hop on the stool she always used behind the counter.

She goes into the back and returns with a wet tissue. I know I must have hurt myself by hitting my head against the coarse wall. Still, I do not accept the tissue. I just look away and focus on the lanterns on the shelf.

She places the wet tissue on my forehead tentatively. I take it from her and apply pressure to it. My eyes return to her. Her eyes and every part of her being is heavy with questions.

"I will not hurt you," I say. I am sure of it. I will not cause her harm unless she deserves it.

She smiles. " I'm not afraid of that."

I nod. "Good."

Those questions are still there though. She twists her lips and goes out. She returns with another wet tissue. She takes the old one and replaces it with a new one. I drop it and hop down from the stool.

I move towards the lanterns, running a hand over them, fully conscious she is watching.

"I'm sorry about the pain you had to go through. I'm sorry for the pain you are holding in."

I spin around and face her. She nods like she thinks an apology for my pain or sympathy is what I need. "I am not in pain."

She nods again. I relax my face and point to the door. "We have not made enough sales today."

She walks to the door and opens it. I look around the place. Lots of crime could happen in this lantern shop and nobody would know. The window is covered by lanterns. The door just has to be closed and the intruder would come in from the back window.

Zuri goes outside with a small bell. She jingles it crazily. "Lanterns here! Cheap lanterns here!"

People here are used to minding their business when they want to. Not even a bell jingling in their ears could make them turn. Now I know these lanterns do not belong to this place. We will not be able to sell to them all out here. It is not the type of thing these people are interested in.

I might be gone before we even sell half of it. She does not need me anyway. I think she likes the company but that's all. Now I could be endangering their lives by staying with them.

I will be gone soon. Sooner than they know it.

It is funny I do not know what to do with myself outside this place. This place makes me a different person, a new personality. I am a little lower than nobody here. I am just a bird perched on the surface of a roof, too weak to fly, too small to be seen.

I do not know if I fit better into the streets. I survived a night outside and it was safer than sleeping in Uncle Joel's house.

I do not think I have thought any of my actions here through. I do not think I have carefully been in my thoughts for a while like now. Because why would I opt to sell lanterns?

I have never worked in a shop. I used to go to a repair shop but one day, my boss sent me away without reason and it was that same day, my stash was stolen. It was my mother I shouted at instead of her boyfriend. I shouted at her till my head ached then I stormed out of the house.

It will break Zuri's heart to know that I have lost interest in selling lanterns. Sweet talking people is not my forte. Everything here seems too dull and slow for my person who is easily irritated by silence.

Unlike the first day, we use the longer part to return to Zuri's house. Zuri is a free spirit. She hops half of the way and sometimes even whistles. I can hop, I can also whistle. I am not rigid but right now, I'm caged inside myself.

We get to the canteen and she hands me money to get what I want to eat. I keep my hands to myself and she walks in instead. I do not want to get used to this kindness.

She comes out with three paper bags and gives two to me. "My brother said you need an extra plate."

I wonder if he even has a name. She keeps addressing him as "my brother" like she was banned from pronouncing his name. It shows fondness.

What does it show in my case - where I do not call my mother, 'mum' or 'mummy'? I have never had a reason to talk about her to others and I have never had a reason to call her anything for twenty years. But now we are worlds apart, I will call her Kora if I have to.

Zuri buys the last of a woman's fruits. She gives me an apple and packs the rest in a bag. I do not want to conclude she is using the little money we make each day to buy stuff so I ask, "are you not saving for college?"

She looks at me and smiles. It seems she does not want to talk about it. I want to hear about it though.

I have heard from conversations around that soon it will be Christmas. Anyone can easily see it. Houses are setting up decorations and even in the shops, you can see the shiny cards and hats set to display.

Last time I saw my mother was in July. It was a few days after I turned twenty. She was knitting on the porch. I did not speak to her but just walked off to school feeling her eyes trail after me. I went to Kent's place after being at the library then I took him to steal later on. He had the money to pay but I lived for the experience and now I am living in the experience.