Chapter Six

Everyday is a war. If you survive today. Go back and get stronger. - Jumbo

I have passed by this lantern shop two times now. I'm not foolish to try to steal from them; I want to work here. There is no hanging placard that says they need a sales assistant or someone like me but i keep my hopes up as i wander around the small shop.

When my dreams of being a pilot, it died easily. I tried to fight for it until I could not. Just some words he said,

"I can pay your tuition fees anymore." No reason. No explanation.

Since then I did a lot of things. I could do anything for money. Anything.

I check myself out once more. The clothes on me I bought with my money- I did not steal them. This gives a different air of confidence as I walk into the lantern store. Two customers are in the shop, checking out lanterns set on a table without being properly arranged. It seems  the seller was too careless to care about the presentation.

A young girl is at the counter. She has her chin in her hand while looking at  the customers. I approach the counter. ‘’Hey, I want to speak with the manager.’’

‘’You are already doing that.’’

I take a step back and nod. She looks too young to own the place and I immediately want to ask her how she got the money to open a lantern store.

‘’I see you could use some help around here.’’

‘’This is not the place,’’ she said coming out from behind the counter.

‘’How? Your shop looks clustered and untidy.’’

She snaps her fingers at the customers who seemed like a couple. ‘’If you can't find what you want, you will have to come back. I need to lock up.

The lady smiles enchantingly. ‘’Just a minute please.’’

The owner of the place brings down her wings and leans on a counter. I walk closer to her. ‘’You need an assistant.’’

She frowns at me then walks behind the counter as the couple approaches. Wordlessly they make the transaction. She packages the product for them.

‘’Please come again sometime,’’ she says without even looking up from the ledger or offering them a smile.

‘’Thank you,’’ they reply leaving the shop.

‘’You should get out,’’ she says briefly, looking at me before turning attention back to her ledger. ‘’ I know you girls that go shop to shop looking for how to rob.’’

I let out a laugh which makes her pause and look at me before she continues. I look around the place imagining stealing from here. Why would I steal lanterns though- to prove her right?

I walk out of her shop. I know it is not about the ‘girls’, it is about how I look. I look guilty even without her knowing about me. I look unfit to work with her who wore a white shirt, good jeans and suede shoes. The worn dirty flip-flops on my feet which I picked from the street could condemn anyone.

In my neighbourhood, I knew everyone but was close to none until Kent moved in. Others just knew us from when my mother brought us to live with uncle joel. They always greeted my mother and uncle Joel very well because he is ’a good man’.

Here no one knows me. So as I walk the streets trying to fit into the way things are done, no one pays attention, no one notices. I'm going to live the whole of my wild dreams in this city. I'm going to fit in determinedly because this place is not for the tamed.

People are gathered around a statue of a woman with big breasts, tiny waist and big hips. A tiny scarf was tied around her pubic area. Some girls jump on it and pose with their mouths close to her tits. Some put their hands in between her legs while posing for pictures. They laugh crazily while molesting the poor statue. One squats and poses like her mouth is on the woman’s private part. They laugh some more.

‘’ You have not done that before,’’ someone says, taking a spot beside me. It is the girl that owns a lantern store.

Was it the way I stood staring like I had nowhere else to be? I adjust my stance and adjust my pride. After she treated me like a thief now she is here to treat me like a simp.

‘’ It's actually a community statue. Anyone can snap with it.’’

I nod, acknowledging her. I do not want to walk away just yet so I keep standing there wondering why she is talking to me.

One of the girls spanks the statue and the laughter from the group rings out loud. The girl beside me snorts. I throw her a glance and she is still smiling patting the brown hat in her hand against her thighs.

‘’I am actually tired,’’ she says taking a step forward then she turns around. ‘’Is tomorrow fine with you?’

‘’To steal your lanterns?’’

She looks up then looks back at me smiling. ‘’My mood was just everywhere at that time.’’

That is not enough for me. I coat myself in feigned annoyance and look away from her to the better view in front of me. She moves and stands in front of me, blocking my view of the girls. She is a little shorter than me and also slim - could be called thin. I can see how loose her blonde wig is; it is pulling back.

‘’Look, I'm sorry. Since my dad passed, I'm yet to get a hang of everything. I can not pay you much for now but I will try.’’

‘’I can not work without a pay.’’

‘’I know this,’’ she says.

I shrug and begin to walk away. She audibly sighs and on a second thought, I turn. ‘’I just need a place to sleep and food. Lots of food.’’

She smiles. ‘’I can give you that.’’

I tilt my head and study her for a while. She is not an easily trusting person. She is just someone who has not yet figured out herself and there is kindness in her eyes and smile.

‘’I can start tonight,’’ I say.

She nods with a little doubt showing up on her face. I nod and turn away ready to exploit her weakness.

I walk down past the statue then I turn and see her walking down the other lane. I contemplate following her but I look ahead and continue moving forward.

I have seen two brothels here. I know the people who patronize them could be near also. I walk closer and peep through a window. It is just an empty hall with chairs and tables. I try to see more pushing my face closer to the glass with my hands shielding the sides of my face. I come face to face with myself. For a while, I have not seen myself and this person in the mirror is a new person.

My cheeks are all gone now. My eyes look lifeless. It now appears hooded with dark circles around it. There are rashes around my nose which I have felt but the scale-like patches around my cheeks is shocking and disturbing. I lick my lips which seem to be almost the colour of my inner palm. I look hungry. That is what gave me away, not my slippers.

I move away from the window and continue my walk down the street. A woman selling oranges calls me to buy, another woman selling pastries also beckons to me. It is like I am the only one in the whole street. Everybody's hand is reaching out to hold me. People are beginning to appear before my eyes like half loaded images inside water. I stop walking and just stand. I move over to the stalls then I lean over a table without paying attention to what is being sold there. ‘’Please, water.’’

I can feel the disorder I have caused. There is more shouting, pushing me off the table to the ground, water being sprinkled over my face in large quantities then water being forced into my mouth. I sit up and grasp the bottle and gulp down its contents.

‘’More?’’ a woman asks.

I nod. ‘’More’’

Someone else hands a bottle of water to me. I gulp down its contents and look around. I am in the gathering of three women and a girl.

‘’Thank you,’’ I say, rising up.

‘’You need to sit for a while,’’ one of the women says.

I smile at them and say, ‘’Thank you,’’ still determined to continue my journey. I hate the pitiful looks they are sending my way but since I had nothing to lose, I ask, ‘’do you have food?’’

Regretfully, one of the women shakes her head. I nod and thank them once again before leaving.

Now I'm more conscious of myself after seeing myself. Now I feel the tightness of my stomach and how the wind seems to control my movements. I pause as I realize I dropped the teddy bear. I retrace my steps to the stall I am coming from. I reduce my steps as I see the girl approaching with it. She hands it to me and I nod and turn away.

She pulls my hand and leaves some notes in it. ‘’Further down the street, you will see a cafeteria.’’

She walks away and I open my hand to see that a stranger gave me money to buy food. The feeling that envelops my heart is foreign to me. I hug the teddy closer as I continue my journey to food.

The cafeteria is a small red space with a banner hanging at the front. The letters on the banner have all been wiped by rain and sun and the only thing remaining is a faint drawing of a chicken. I walk in and take a seat on a table close to the wall. My head feels like everything in my brain is spilling out and jumbling up.

Using my hand as a pillow, I lower my head to the table. It is tempting to close my eyes since sleep has become luxury for me.

‘’ You should eat.’’

My head quickly snaps up and a new wave of dizziness winds around me. I look around the small cafeteria. Just one man is on a table at a corner while two people are standing at the counter. My eyes move to the entrance. No one is paying attention to me. But I did hear her voice. It was lucid.

I walk to the counter and make my order. I wait for it to be packaged then I make payments and hurriedly leave the canteen.

Outside I look around for a familiar body structure amongst the people on the street. Nothing suits my eyes. I move over and sit on the floor outside a building and begin to eat. I have not had a full meal like this in a while. I do not dwell on the relief. I just hurriedly spoon the food into my mouth.

I love that the sun is falling and the promise of shelter at the end of the day. It feels as though the food I ate opened up my stomach; I still feel hungry after eating. My legs pull me to dried beef being sold under a wide umbrella shade. I step back as I realize that deprivation has somehow drawn me to things I had little care for in the past. One last look at the meat and I walk away.

I walk down the street and as I am about to turn into the next street, I halt as the conversance of the environment hits me. I move further in and look around and then I see it- the ice cream stand in the street. I dodge behind a pillar and look. The man selling fabrics is there flapping his fabrics beside the woman selling fishes.