Goddess Iris

Imaani

I KEPT TELLING MYSELF THAT WHAT I'm about to do will end up biting me in the butt, but no I didn't listen.

I lay on my back as I dialled the number I haven't called in almost two years and watched as it rang once..twice... three times...

I got back from the restroom and saw a missed call on my phone. Due to how many times she had called me for cash over the years I already knew the number mentally.

Just like every time she calls me and I either missed her call or just watch it ring. And whenever I sometimes get the urge to call, Mariah I fight it every time because I know how it's gonna end.

She's just a lowlife junkie that regrets having a daughter. And doesn't care one bit about me.

Call me pathetic for wanting her approval but she's my mother a part of me hoped and wished that since we never had a mother-daughter relationship while I was growing up because of all the drugs and men, I let myself think that one day, now that I'm grown my mother would change and at least work towards a better relationship with her only child.

But no, all she cares about is the money I can give her and not the fact that sometimes no matter how old I get, I'll need my mother by my side.

The last time Mariah called me was to ask for money. As usual, I gave her the money I gave more than she even asked for, knowing fully well that she only treats me like crap repeatedly and only calls when she wants something from me, which is always money.

"Hello" I heard the now groggy voice that used to sound soft when I was ten.

"Hey ma, how are you?"

"Heyy, Imaani! I'm good how have you been? How long has it been now, like 2 months or sum'n?" I could hear tapping and sniffling

It's been a year and six months.

"Yeah ma, 2 months" I lie

I hear groaning "Don't give me that tone! Always acting like you smarter than me and shit" she sniffed

She's high. Just like always

"I didn't do that ma"

"Now you calling me a liar, I'm your mother you fat fool!"

A single tear rolled down my eye as the beginning of the usual insults left her mouth. And I still could not bring myself to end the call

"You don't need to say it I know I'm fat, and I'm perfectly okay with my body"

Even after all the bullshit she has given me, I'm still learning to love myself and also yearning for her love.

I still have that faith that my mother would come back to me

"Yeah right, you gon be okay with it but no man will want your fat ass. Men like skinny women with nice asses and tits. You're NOTHING like those girls" I could hear her take a long sniff and exhale after she talked.

Cocaine.

I've rehearsed the entire process she goes through for every drug. At this point, they might as well be engraved in my brain

What did I expect? I have no idea what led to all these words she's throwing at me. All because she felt like my voice was taking a certain tone with her.

I don't deserve this.

I don't want this, she has caused me enough damage already

I sniffle quietly "Why do you hate me? What did I ever do to you, mom?"

"Now you gon cry? She cackled, obviously enjoying my pain "I always knew you were too weak and pathetic. Now you out there making money with them white folks you start talking like them? They never gon like you child. You're just the fat, black ugly girl"

Beep.

I ended the call.

I could feel the tears falling rapidly down my face and I couldn't hold them back.

I hate her. I hate that she's my mother

I hate that she has never in her drug-induced life appreciated me and treated me like her daughter.

I hate that she has never been there for me.

All I wanted was a normal relationship with my mother, is that too much for a daughter to ask? I've only ever wanted a completely happy family.

My thoughts go back to the rotten words she has always spoken to me since I was a kid to when I started adding little weight in college.

You're going to die a virgin if you don't lose the extra weight

No man wants excess fat

I don't know why you couldn't just be gorgeous like other girls your age

No man will ever want you, not even for your body!

All the sad bitter words she has engraved into my head and mind over the past years. That was one of the reasons I had to get away from her toxicity and verbal abuse.

I clean my tears and walk towards my mirror. Looking back at myself I give myself a mental pat on the back for growing and getting past the girl that resulted in self-harm to get away from all her mother's abusive words.

Although Mariah never physically abused me, her words hurt just as much, if not more.

I search around for my phone as I pour myself a cup of wine and dial the one person that has helped me through numerous of my dark times.

I listen as it rings and on the second tone, he answers, as usual.

"Hey dad" I try as hard as I can to hold in the tears I don't want him to hear me like this

"Hey Iris, how are you doing kiddo?" I start crying immediately after I hear the middle name that has stuck since he gave it to me.

Paul Cyrus is a nerd when it comes to Greek mythology.

According to him the flower Iris was named after the Greek Goddess of the rainbow.

He said Irises bring colour to the garden in spring and summer.

He said that's why he named me Iris because I'm the colour in his life he never knew he needed till I and Mariah came into his life.

He always said that his life after his first wife Priscilla was bleak, dark and empty and he thought it was going to remain that way till he reunites with her.

"Hey hey! what's wrong? Who's ass do I need to kick?" He asked with a slight chuckle

"Mariah's." I chuckled between tears " I missed a call from her and called her back, she's worse dad" I sniff "so much worse and she said a lot of mean things to me"

"Hey.. hey listen to me, breathe.. okay just breathe," he said while repeating the motion slowly with me

I did as he said a couple of times and it helped me to relax a little bit

"Thank you, I needed that"

"You know she's a liar, manipulator and a horrible person, you don't give those kinds of people the attention they need. You know that right?"

He's right. I know he is, but Mariah has always been the biggest cause of my insecurities, I can't help but believe her sometimes.

"Yes I know"

"No Iris, you need to believe it too, okay? If you don't believe it you can't accept the fact that every word she will ever utter to you is a lie and complete rubbish."

He's right.

I'm a big, badass, beautiful, black woman.

I have the perfect well-paying job in one of the top companies for technology. The perfect best friend anyone could ever ask for.

No matter how my insecure junkie of a mother makes me feel I can't let it get to me, at all.

"Thank you so much Dad, I love you" I sniffle a little holding back my tears, not from what Mariah said but because I missed him.

The last time I saw him was New Year's and we only talk on the phone now.

I missed him so much.

"I love you too kiddo, when are you and your friend coming to visit, I've missed you Imaani"

He was serious.

He only called me Imaani on rare occasions this being one of them.

"I'm sorry Dad, I've been so busy lately but Sarah and I will come to see you and Rose soon, I promise. How is she by the way"

He cleared his throat "Rose? Yeah she's fine she's just my neighbour"

I laughed at the nervousness in his voice.

Rose was his neighbour, a single neighbour too. I knew he liked her but I also knew that he felt it was too soon like he was betraying or disrespecting Priscilla's memories by moving on so soon.

What he had with Mariah was not love or a relationship it was a circumstantial relationship that only happened because Paul realized as soon as possible that Mariah was unfit and not proper enough to raise a child.

But it's been 7 years since Priscilla passed, he deserves to be happy. She'd want that for him too.

"I know you like her dad... and before you say anything about it being too soon, it's been seven years, you deserve happiness and if Rose makes you happy then go for it. I'm sure Priscilla would want that for you too"

"I know kid. I just don't want to-"

"Do you like Rose? The truth pops you can't lie to me"

He laughed with me "Yes, I like her"

"Does she make you happy?"

"Immensely" I could tell he was smiling from the way he sounded

"There you have it! You only live once old man, enjoy life while it lasts"

He laughed loudly at the name "Old? I'm not that old. Thank you, Iris, I needed this"

"Me too, dad. Me too. I've got to go but give my regards to Rose and tell her Sarah and I are coming to visit soon"

"Will do kid, take care and don't forget to let me know if there's anyone I gotta shoot for bothering my little girl, I still got my gun."

I laughed lightly. I missed our conversations a lot "I'm not little any more dad and I can handle myself pretty well you know"

"I know Iris, I love you kiddo more than you can imagine. Take care of yourself okay and don't stress yourself too much. Always eat too and drink a lot of water"

"And drink a lot of water, yes dad, I know" I repeat the last part at the same time as him.

"Okay, okay I don't want to keep you too long but please always call me okay and don't forget to let me know when y'all are coming here okay?"

"Yes, dad I will bye" I ended the call after I heard his goodbye.

I cleared out the table and returned the wine before picking up my phone and calling Sarah to come over since I was in a better mood and had fewer cramps since yesterday

"Yo! Yo! Yo! The coolest friend in the house!" Sarah yelled out as she got into the house

"That was fast"

"Yeah I was already on my way"

I hold back my laugh "But I told you I didn't want any company tonight"

She shrugs and plops on the couch beside me "Yeah and I don't care, you're grumpy and in pain. It's my duty as your best friend to feed you and give you tummy rubs. And by the way, this is only happening because you're not ready to date. But I like it because I also get all your attention" she hugged me and placed her head on my breast as she smiled and closed her eyes

I chuckle "You're like a 24-year-old big baby, fuck off"

"Whatever" she turned my head to face her before examining my face slowly "have you been crying? Your eyes look puffy what happened?"

"It's nothing, I spoke to my dad and it got a bit emotional. And yeah he wants us to come over to visit him and Rose so you need to set a date so I'll get back to him"

She looked at me through squinted eyes and hummed as if she didn't believe me but just decided to agree with me.

I gave her a small smile internally grateful that she didn't press me about the issue.

But knowing Sarah she'll probably find out one way or another

"How's Mr Cyrus, I'm sure he misses me. I'm the best friend he's never had." Sarah let out placing her hands behind her head and leaning back against the couch

I laughed at her joke and placed my legs on her thighs "Girl, you wish"

We laughed and talked, reminiscing about the first time Sarah met Dad I remember how she got along so well with him.

A lot of other people would have gone on rambling and asking me questions about how I have a white father and I'm black.

She didn't.

According to her grams, blood is not the only thing that makes a family.

She was part of my family and I won't have it any other way.

I smiled looking at her while she rambled on about the lack of sex in her life.

And how all the men she has met always want something more meanwhile she just wants their bodies and money.

"Want do you want their money for? You've got more than enough of yours" I asked between laughs

"Duh I know, but it's a lot more fun to spend theirs. I told you before I have sugar baby potential." She flipped imaginary hair out of her face as she crossed her hands over her legs trying to sit poised.

"An already rich sugar baby, he never taught of that"

"Then don't, I'm already your sugar baby and let me tell you, there are no take backs" she laughed trying to feign a serious expression

We laughed out loud together, holding unto our stomachs.

And at that moment all I could focus on was the happiness I felt right now.

At least it helped distract me from the tiny voice repeating Mariah's words to me.

But it was there...

And I could hear it.