Acceptance

JAX

"IT'S HOW YOU KEEP TRYING TO CONVINCE yourself that you don't like her for me" Micheal let out a laugh as if to piss me off more

"I never said I hate her, so shut up"

He laughs again "I never said you said that"

I looked at him, he was being extra annoying today.

"Fuck off"

"Tell me about her," Micheal said

"What?" I was shocked as to why he'd say that

"Tell me what you know about her," he said each word slowly as if I didn't understand the first time

"Fuck off, I don't know shit" I took a sip of my drink while avoiding his gaze

I turned towards him and saw that he was still looking at me.

Fuck.

"You know I won't stop staring till you start talking" he smiled and kept his gaze on me

"She likes junk food and coffee, she loves chicken and can eat it all day, she loves reading too especially erotica. She likes this band or a dude I dunno, called Chase Atlantic and Dora Cat or something"

"Doja" Micheal quipped

"What?"

"Her name is Doja cat, not Dora"

"hmm" I hum in reply

"Okay, continue"

I found myself talking about her to Micheal, and realized that there were a lot of things about her I haven't even said. I have no idea when I noticed all these things or how I even knew them but I wanted to continue talking about her like she was here.

I smiled while I reminisced about how she smells and tastes, or how she scrunches up her nose and her face changes visibly when she's disgusted at something.

"So do you agree that you like her or at least feel something for her," Micheal said

"I don't like her Micheal, it's not possible"

"You only like her, you're not in love with her. They are different"

"I know they're different I just don't think I can feel that way"

"Why? I'd like to know why"

I knew I had to tell him at some point.

"I've been looking for Veronica"

"I think I misheard, You've been doing what?!"

"Calm down, Micheal"

"Calm down? calm down! I thought we both agreed that she's out of the picture and your life man!"

"That was before we started talking again and met up months ago" I rushed out

There, all done.

"What?!" fucking hell Jax!"

"I thought we both agreed that you're done with her man."

"Seems I'm not" I replied shortly

He paused and looked at me as if inspecting my face "You're lying to me, there's still more, what is it?

"Like I said we met and I've not seen her since then"

"Oh, my God! she's the reason you moved to New York, isn't she? What the fuck is wrong with you man after every fucking thing, you still want to give her a chance?" And don't give me that first love bullshit!"

"I've been looking for her" I might as well just spill everything now that he's mad

"God no, please tell me you're kidding and you're not trying to bring that woman into our lives again."

"I am, Tiago found her. It's different this time."

"Tell me, how's it different? because all I can see is her messing you up again like she did last time, or do I need to remind you?"

I clenched my jaw as the familiar awful thoughts came back to my head

"Yeah, that's what I thought but here you are, moving for her, fucking her and now searching the entire world for her like she's lost or something, the direct opposite of staying THE FUCK away from her!"

"I get that you're mad, and I get that the whole Veronica phase, is a sore topic for both of us, but you've gotta trust me, man"

"Yeah right, so what about Imaani huh? You don't like her, then why are you still wasting her time"

"That's why it's a contract, we both agreed to it, if she doesn't want this again she can end it at any time"

"So what happens if you find her, you just toss Imaani aside or what?"

"I don't know! And stop making it sound like I and Imaani have anything else apart from the sex"

"I'm your best friend, Jax, almost the only family you've got left. And I don't think I'm ready to let any of us go through that bullshit she put you through last time, I can't man." Micheal turns his face away as if to wipe away the tears that were close to dropping

"We won't"

"Oh, really and you know how? she's still the same fucking person man, all I want is for my best friend to be happy, for once in his fucking life. No matter what you may have been told and led to believe in the past. Is it wrong to think Imaani can make you feel that way? You're feeling something for her you're just too fucking stubborn to admit it. instead, you're still pining over some dumbass fantasy you live in with your first love" He picked up his phone and keys before making his way to the door

"You're my best friend, Jaxon. My brother and I don't think I can sit idly by and watch you make the same mistake with someone who ruined you and took everyone around you along. You deserve better Jax, whatever this is with Imaani, trust me you don't wanna lose it by falling in love all over again with that woman. You don't."

He left.

I know he was mad at me, I just didn't know how to fix it.

I did know how to fix it, I just couldn't fix it the way he wanted me to.

Yes, Veronica, hurt me badly, and it affected Micheal due to him being my best friend and the only one I had.

Part of me knows we were young then, and I think she's a changed woman. And part of me, the more rational part I guess knows I'm just trying to make excuses for her and she might still probably be the same manipulative liar she was then.

Or is it because you're still madly in love with her like you were the first time you saw her?

The memories of Veronica and me as they played in my head.

I forgave her, I guess.

But I know very well Micheal can never forgive her, not after what she did to Vanessa.

Our relationship was toxic, but I guess iit'sthat craziness and toxicity that kept attracting us back to each other.

She killed my fucking sister among other things, and here I am pining over her and still searching for her.

God, I'm crazy!

I turn to my ringing phone and pick up the call without glancing at the caller ID.

"Smith"

"H-hello" Imaani's voice enters my ears she sounds frantic,

"Imaani? what's wrong? what happened?"

"I'm s-sorry to bother you, I... I just ... need someone to talk to. My hands are shaking a-and-

"Hey hey, calm down, love, breathe... good girl. now tell me what happened, please" I talked calmly as I searched around quietly for my car keys

She took a deep breathe in "I had a panic attack and I tried Sarah's number before yours but it didn't go through that's why I called you, I'm sorry"

"I'm glad you did, love."

if not I'd have killed myself thinking about my past

"Can we just stay on the phone i-i just need to know someone's here"

"I'm coming over."

"No, you don't need to, just stay on the phone please" She begged, her voice low

I didn't like how she sounded but I agreed "I'm here till you fall asleep love".

I made my way to my room, took off my shoes and got into bed with the phone against my ear

"How was your day?" She asked quietly as if trying to make conversation so as not to make the call awkward

"You don't have to talk if you don't want to, love, I'll still be here"

"I want to, I need to Iistract myself, please"

"My day was fine, beautiful. Micheal came over we had dinner, played video games and talked.....a lot"

"Hmm" she hummed tiredly before I heard a loud yawn

I smiled.

"My day went good before this shit," she yawns "but knowing you're here, even though not physically, it helps"

"Do you mind telling me what triggered it?" I asked

I was not planning on scaring her.

She yawned again "My parents" was all she said before she released a small sound and I hear her breathing come out slowly, she was asleep

I said I was here till she fell asleep but I couldn't find it in me to end the call even after knowing she was asleep.

This was good, I liked it.

I could feel my eyes begin to close slowly as Micheal's words begin to repeat in my head again.

you deserve to be happy.

I was damaged, I knew that and I've come to accept it because at least damaged or not, I've got an entire empire to show for it.

I glance at the phone as if I could see her through it.

I can't bring this woman into my damaged life, it would shatter her.

But selfish as I was, part of me knew I wanted her involved because I knew I'd fucking protect her from anything that would cause her harm to even the smallest hair on her head.

Fuck! Micheal was right, I do like her.

And it was at this moment, Jax Smith accepted what he had been denying all this time.