Chapter 42

Ashton

"Hey, baby." Zie leaned over me on the couch, I raised an eyebrow at him before lowering the book I was reading.

"Yes, daddy?" I asked and my brows furrowed staring at his uneasy body. It seems like there is something he wants to say but was contemplating if he will tell me or not. I feel like he is hesitating which makes me a little bit nervous because this is the first time I saw him bothered with something.

"Well um, fuck this. Well, Nile's daddy is a psychiatrist and I called him last night if he ever has free time today, if you ever want someone to talk to of course besides me, you can have a conversation with him." He said still uneasy, my heart suddenly started beating faster, instead of responding to what he said, I chose to him and pick up the book I was reading and act like I was busy reading the book.

"Hey, don't be offended. I'm just worried about you, I thought bringing you to the camp is a good idea to divert your thoughts but I don't think it helps you, even if you don't admit it to me I know something is bothering you, Ashton, I hear you every fucking night dreaming about the incident on that fucking beach. I can't take it anymore baby, I think you need help, professional help." He said concerned, he grabbed the book I was reading and closed it.

"I'm okay daddy, I'll get over it. Don't think about it and don't bother helping me anymore, you need to focus on your company." I said and faked a smile at him, I swallowed my saliva while holding back the tears that trying to trickle down my eyes.

"No, I hate to do this Ash but I think it would be better if we go to doc Ramon today. Just give it a try baby, if you don't like the session today then we will not come back." Zie said and the looks in his eyes made me realize that he was determined to convince me to seek professional help, it makes me happy that he wants me to get better but the thing is I'm scared. The way Zie looks at me, it feels like he doesn't accept no for an answer. I heaved a sigh before slowly nodding at him.

"Okay," I replied nervously, Zie gave me a wide smile and hugged me before kissing me on the lips.

"That's great baby, we'll leave before three in the afternoon." He informed and kiss my forehead, he happily leaves me as he walked towards the kitchen. I just shook my head and resumed my reading.

...

I was freaking nervous as we sat on the sofa in the waiting area. We arrived early at the clinic and doc Ramon's secretary told us that he still has a patient inside so Zie and I just chose to wait rather than leave and return at the appointed time. I don't understand what I am feeling right now, I tried my best to be calm by taking a deep breath but it doesn't help much.

When Zie noticed my uneasiness he grabbed my hand that was full of sweat and squeeze it, comforting me.

"Everything will be okay baby, doc Ramon will just talk to you, nothing else. It will be over before you knew it." He calmed me down and somehow it made me feel better, not because of what he said but because of his hand that was wrapped around my hands.

"Thank you, daddy," I said and tightened my grip on his hand.

A few moments later the door of the clinic opened, I was shocked to see Joe come out of the clinic followed by another man which I thought was doc Ramon, Nile's father.

Joe also seemed surprised to see us and he stopped walking.

"Ashton? What are you doing here?" He asked looking at me puzzled.

"We have an appointment with doc Ramon," Zie replied when he noticed that I didn't know how to answer Joe's question, I'm ashamed to tell him the truth why I am here.

Joe nodded and hugged me before he said goodbye. As I look at Joe's distant figure I can't help but wonder why he's here too, is he just like me? Or is his case different?

"Okay, let's go inside." Doc Ramon said and motion us to follow him, but I was surprised when I look at Zie and I saw him sat down on the couch again.

"What are you doing?" I asked with furrowed brows and pulled his hand to stand up again but he was stronger than me and he didn't even move when I pulled him. I stopped pulling Zie when I heard a faint laugh. I raised an eyebrow at doc Ramon, who looks at me with amusement.

"Well, Zie can't come, it will only be me and you." Doc Ramon smiled and went inside first.

"Go on baby, when the session is over, I will still be here waiting for you," Zie said smiling and lost the grip on my hand, I could do nothing but follow doctor Ramon.

When I went inside, Doc Ramon immediately closed the door and asked me to sit in a nice single sofa.

The ambiance inside the clinic is beautiful, very peaceful, and calming.

Doc Ramon sat in front of me, he was only a few meters away from me, his aura was intimidating me which doesn't help the nervous I am feeling right now.

I swallowed hard as he stared at me as if he's waiting for me to speak. Is this how it is supposed to be? I don't know what to do, it's like we're kids playing a staring contest.

As I stared at doc Ramon I couldn't help but compare him to his son Nile. He's like an old version of Nile, they were both big and muscular. If you look at doc Ramon, it looks like he and Nile are only a few years apart.

"Stop complimenting my looks, Ashton." Doc Ramon suddenly broke the silence.

"Huh?" I was dumbfounded, not knowing what to answer, how did he know what was on my mind?

"Enough with your lust over me. Tell me your story, Ashton." Doc Ramon said calmly and leaned his back on the edge of the table.

"My story?" I asked confused, he moved his index finger and tapped the table creating a vague sound.

"Tell me your story, tell me why you're here, Ashton." He replied staring intently at my eyes. I do not want to speak but doc Ramon's eyes are compelling me to speak the truth, this is so weird.

"I-I was raped." There I said it, my voice trembling, bad memories flashed to my brain again.

"Go on, this is the safest place to tell your story, Ashton, I am a stranger to you, I won't judge you." He persuaded, I nod at him and took a deep breath.

"We're on vacation when Zie made a dare, he dared me to have sex with a group of three friends," I stated before stopping to breathe deeply again.

"Did he force you to do the dare?" Doc Ramon asked, his voice was emotionless.

I shook my head firmly, "no, it's consensual," I replied, doc Ramon just nodding so I resumed speaking.

"I flirted with those guys until we decided to go to a secluded area, we did it on the shore, we agreed to have sex," I told him every detail of what happened that night.

"Okay, so if you gave them consent and you all agree to have sex, I'm afraid to tell you that that will not be considered rape." Doc Ramon stated and I nodded agreeing to him.

"At first, I still enjoyed what they were doing to my body," I said my voice cracking as if I was about to cry when if ever I continue to tell him what happened to me.

I closed my eyes, my chest tightened so it was very difficult to speak, but I gathered all my strength and continue.

"W-While Drew was fucking me, one of them thought to try to double penetrate me. I refused but they insisted, I told them several times that I did not want to be double penetrated because it hurts but they are already deaf and doesn't listen to me. When Drew cum inside me, I thought I was free from the pain I've been through but then Uno ordered his other friend–Blue, to insert his penis inside my hole even though his penis is still inside me. They did it twice, I didn't like it." I said and I can't hold back my tears anymore.

"Since then, do you always have a nightmare about that incident?" Doc Ramon asked me, I nodded as I wiped the tears from my eyes.

"Every night. At first, my nightmares are always the same but lately, my dreams changed. I dreamed that we were having an orgy and they double penetrated me, what surprised me is that on my dream I liked what they are doing to me. I'm scared because there's no way I would like what they did to me until now I can still feel the pain. I fucking hate this feeling so much." I say with emphasis on the last words. It's hard to hide my true feelings. I tried several times to forget and ignore what had happened to me but every night it visited me in my sleep.

"Did you tell this to anyone else? How about Zie?" Doc Ramon asked holding the notebook and ballpen, I did not realize he was writing.

"No," I replied shyly.

"Why?" He asked and I swallowed my saliva before shifting my gaze in a different direction. I don't want to answer him, not because I don't know the answer but because I don't want him to know my fear.

Silence prevailed around us, he did not force me to answer his question.

"You love Zie." Doc Ramon said and it wasn't a question, it was a statement as if he was so sure of what he was saying.

"What?" I asked in shock, I shook my head trying to deny his statement.

"You love Zie, that's why you don't want to tell him what you are going through, you are afraid that you might be a burden to him and you'll just add to his problem. You are afraid that he may realize that you are not worthy of his time, you are afraid to tell him how you feel because you're afraid of losing him." He said and I was left deadpan. It feels like his words slapped me so hard on my face.

"Who's not after all? We are all afraid of losing someone, we are all afraid of being left behind." Doc Ramon added, it seems like he is not just talking about me, it seems that it is also based on his personal experience.

I was overwhelmed by what Doc Ramon said and I can't find a suitable word to respond to him. I was just sitting there, deep in thoughts.

"Well, this session is over. See you in your second session." Doc Ramon suddenly said, I'm not sure but there seems to be a pain in his eyes. I was curious about the sudden shift of his mood but I just shrug my thoughts and politely said goodbye to him.

When I came out of the clinic, I noticed Zie's who is still sitting on the couch, he was pressing something on his cellphone. When he saw me he hurriedly pocketed the cellphone and stood up smiling at me. Looking at Zie, I couldn't help my self as I ran towards him and hugged him.