22

"Did he force you?" Thomas asked directly to Sam, who actually had to think for a moment about what he actually meant by that. She was completely confused. The intimacy of the moment she had just experienced with her brother was been disturbing and frightening, but certainly not because she felt compelled to do anything. No, it was her own feelings that paralyzed her and held her captive in the moment.

"Sam? Did he do something to you?" Thomas now asked vehemently much louder. So loud that it crossed her mind and she glared at him.

"Forced? Killian would never harm me! How can you even think that?" Samantha suddenly asked, completely shocked and angry at this mental betrayal. But this instinctive reaction to defend her brother, evaporated as quickly as it came. Suddenly she was really thinking seriously about Thomas' words. Had Killian forced this closeness on her? She looked at the gray sheets beneath her and frowned at herself. What was going on? Why did she doubt her brother - what she felt. She was angry, scared, embarrassed, and then angry again. On whom? By what exactly? She didn't know any of this. But she knew that each of those thoughts was in stark contrast to what she had been feeling just minutes ago. Thomas didn't let her little outburst stop him from drilling further.

"Sam, if you don't want something you have to..."

"Go away!" Samantha cut him off, managing to push aside her confusing emotional chaos and at least filter out what what she was feeling now. Thomas was a troublemaker and she thought his question was rude. She didn't want him here, didn't want him to ask her such questions.

"I want to help you, this between you...is getting worse and it's wrong. You know that." At that, Sam actually had to laugh.

"That between us? You know our past, you know how important my brother is to me. There's nothing wrong with that." But Thomas just shook his head.

"This goes too far. I know you're bound to be closer than any other set of siblings, but... Killian wants more from you. He'll..." Samantha cupped her hands over her ears, pulled her hair out in frustration, and squeezed her eyes shut to block out his words. Everything in her head was screaming at her. It's right, it's wrong, it's disgusting , he uses you, i want it, i don't want it. Thousands of little voices echoed through her thoughts and Thomas didn't make it any better with his energetic nature.

He was right, he was wrong, he could help her, he could destroy everything. A merry-go-round whose seats jumbled wildly, with no sense, no pattern. It was loud in her mind. Her head was about to explode, she knew that. Just a little longer and she would go mad under those thousands of little screaming voices. And then she felt like a stone was being laid on her chest and she couldn't breathe.

A panic attack. Not her first, but definitely the worst she's ever had. Her moral beliefs that she grew up with. The social boundaries that she had always found support disintegrated and collapsed like a house of cards. And with their collapse, the voices disappeared too. Empty. Desolate emptiness, paralyzing, comfortable silence that made her open her eyes and calm down again. She took a deep breath, amazed at how easily the knot in her stomach loosened and then she looked at Thomas who was sitting there, frowning at her strange behavior.

"It does not matter. It doesn't matter if he's forcing me or not. I would do anything for him and if there's anything I can give him for always watching over me, I'm happy. And when I'm happy, I can't be forced into anything, because then I like doing it, right?" That sounded like milkmaid billing even to her ears, but on the surface, there was nothing wrong with that logic. She wasn't afraid of Killian and what he was asking of her, it wouldn't take much to convince her.

She was sure of that, and as soon as she realized that, she felt like she was deeply depraved again. Her thoughts raced again and a new babble of voices broke over her. Right. Not correct. Right wrong.

"You can't be serious. Samantha, that's wrong and absolutely not healthy, I can't let that happen."

"Go, Thomas! I don't want you here, just leave me alone." Tears burned her eyes. He didn't have to tell her it was wrong. She knew it and yet couldn't do anything about it. Samantha wasn't fooling herself, she knew all the arguments for and against, knew that her addiction was the result of a messed up and traumatic childhood, but that didn't change how she felt. It didn't matter at all. Thomas hesitated for a moment, then he actually retreated.

However, not in a forgiving mood. Sam was still sitting on the bed, sorting her thoughts, when the door slammed shut, hard, heavy, and with a loud slam. She was left alone with her confusion, her fear, her self-doubt. And that's exactly how she wanted it, she felt better when she was alone with it and she couldn't imagine being able to bear anyone near her as long as she was struggling with herself. But she would have to, because shortly after Thomas left the room, Killian came back and he didn't look like he would confront the idea.