Dying Wish

It was dark and freezing cold. It was hard to breathe. Her lungs were lacking oxygen.

She tried to inhale. It was not enough. She needed more.

One more time. Then another. She tried to inhale again and again as her body screamed for the need for air.

Diana felt like she was drowning. She was steadily getting deprived of oxygen as she started sinking into waters she had never been before.

It was like she was drifting to the bottom of the sea. . .

Falling deeper and deeper into an endless abyss. Like something was dragging her down mercilessly so she would take the plunge and let herself be immersed into the dark cold nothingness.

'Ah, am I dying? Is this what it's like to die?'

She wanted to laugh at herself. She realized she was dying indeed and hopelessly at that. In self-mockery, she wondered at how pathetic it was to meet her end that way.

Light suddenly shone in the pitch-black darkness that Diana had to put up her palms to cover her eyes from the sudden brightness. She felt like she was dragged somewhere else.

She was no longer falling and it felt like she was on steady ground. Her eyes refocused. It was still dim, but she could see a bit.

Diana blinked repeatedly in confusion when she saw her own body in a hospital bed. She looked like a pretty lifeless doll lying on a hospital bed.

'Since when did I look this terrible?'

In the silent tranquility of the night, the moon shone on her body that was pale as a ghost and looked as fragile as a flower about to be ruined by the raging winds of a stormy night.

'Wait. Why could I see my own body?'

She wondered if she was dreaming. It was like a dream indeed. Or rather a nightmare; else why would she be seeing her own body.

Before looking at the hospital bed again, Diana rubbed her eyes. She could still see her own body.

She looked like she was sleeping. Or rather, unconscious.

But she suddenly started gasping for air. Her body began heaving. Her labored breaths echoed in the silent hospital room and broke the tranquility of her surroundings. The machines nearby started beeping.

'Why am I not wearing an oxygen mask? Did someone remove my life support?'

Her eyes searched for the oxygen mask and found it beside her hand. Did she remove it in her sleep? How pathetic indeed.

'Does this mean I had finally gone crazy and unconsciously decided to end my own life that my body was acting on its own?'

She tried to return the life support but she was unable to touch anything. She gasped when she realized that she was transparent, like a spirit that had left its body.

'Ah, so was this the out-of-body experience that people had before their death?'

Perhaps it was. She helplessly watched as her body convulsed.

She tried to scream for help but no voice came out. She tried lying back down on her body in the hope that her 'spirit' or whatever it was would return to it.

But it did not. Even as she copied the exact posture or willed herself to go back, her spirit did not return to her body.

'Ah, so is it really my time to go?'

She sighed in hopelessness as her body continued to convulse and start to go limp.

Hearing the irregular beeping sound of the machines, a nurse finally came in and saw what was happening.

The nurse quickly called for help and doctors and nurses surrounded her body in a matter of seconds.

. . .

Everything went black again.

. . .

'Ah, did I die? Were the doctors and nurses too late?'

It was ironic that she would die in the hospital where she was supposed to recuperate.

'The poor nurse, she must be traumatized. Hopefully, she would not blame herself for my death.'

That was the nurse that had been carefully taking care of her since she was brought to that hospital. Diana was rather grateful for her care.

It had been a month since she was in the hospital. Her body condition was supposed to be starting to be stable but her mind and heart were not.

She sighed. How funny that she still had the time to think of that when she was dying. Accepting reality seemed rather a difficult task at this point.

'Can I not escape death? Was there nowhere else to go?'

The past month in the hospital, she did not really feel like living. She was already dead inside.

The food she ate tasted like sand. The water she drank made her feel even more dehydrated.

The world she saw was black and white.

She did not really understand why the nurse that took care of her kept on smiling and telling her that everything would be fine when Diana knew exactly that nothing was fine.

Her usual daily peaceful life was gone. Her loving and caring husband was gone. Her beloved baby was gone. Everything was gone. She was not able to save any of it.

When she was told that her baby was dead and that she could never get pregnant ever again, her world shattered into a million pieces. She felt sorrow and anguish that she had never felt before in her life.

She could not pick up the pieces of her shattered world.

No. . . She did not want to.

Diana was fine with it remaining broken.

She immersed herself in the brokenness and lost herself to the emptiness that was left when everything she valued was lost.

Everything was not fine at all.

Every single day that passed by as she lay in the hospital bed, felt torturously long.

She often wondered why she was even breathing when her child had not even had a taste of the air of the outside world.

Her precious little one died inside of her without even experiencing the warm and gentle caress of its mother.

Diana wondered why she was even allowed to live when her baby was gone. She wished she had died in place of that little one.

If it's for the little child to survive, she was willing to exchange it for everything. She was willing to pay with her own life or whatever it would cost.

Every single day that passed in the hospital was a day of mourning. She longed for what she had lost. She yearned to embrace what she could not.

She despaired wishing for death.

. . .

But now that her body was convulsing like that, it felt like her mind was jolted awake and her desire to live was rekindled.

Diana was reluctant to die. . .

'Couldn't it be postponed for a day?'

She suddenly realized that there were still a ton of things she had not done. She wanted to build a grave and a shrine for her lost child. She wanted to give it flowers and pray for its safe journey to the afterlife.

Most especially, she had not grieved enough yet.

She wanted to live just a bit more in order to grieve for what she had lost. She had to keep breathing even if for just a few more days just to pour her heart out for that little one.

. . .

There was a tug.

A strong pull that she could not stop. She suddenly felt herself getting dragged away.

'Ah, is my soul going to be extricated from Earth now? I wonder where my soul would be sent.'

If there was a next life, she hoped and prayed that her memories would remain intact so she could continue mourning for the precious baby. That dear little one that did not even have the chance to live. She did not mind mourning her whole life if she could remember.

'No, I have to remember that existence. I should never forget or else it wouldn't even mean anything in this world. My precious little one,' she caressed her belly like the baby was still there.

Her heart ached at the thought that she was the only one who would remember. She was the only one who would grieve for someone so precious.

She wished she could have had the chance to cherish her child.

She prayed that if she ever lived again, she would be a lot stronger than she was now. That she would not be so naïve anymore and not fall for the tricks of love ever again. That she would be wise and powerful like the heroine of those fantasy novels she used to read.

As she felt her being getting sucked away, her last thoughts were of the fantasy stories she had read where people chased their heart's desires and succeeded in being with their beloved.

'Ah, how I wish I could be like them too.'

Then a thought crossed her mind, would she be with her child now in the afterlife?

'Ah, I see. My beloved child, wait for me! I'll be there with you soon.'

She smiled in joyful tears at the thought that she would be reunited with her lost child.

With a bittersweet smile, she accepted her death and looked forward to seeing her baby.

'To all the gods, if you truly exist, please let me be with my baby. If there's a next life, please let me give birth to this same child and raise it,' Diana prayed repeatedly with all heart and soul.

She was willing to offer anything if it meant being with her child.

"I have heard your prayers. Your wish shall be granted," she suddenly heard a voice say before her consciousness totally faded.