25.I Cried

I Cried

Aubrianne Ivanov's POV.

A quiver rushed through me, and my eyes darted all over the room, looking around and scanning to ensure I was alone, and no one was there. I sigh, as I know I am being silly, I am alone here, and the doors are locked. Ron is gone now. I was far, far away from HIM.

Then, in the next instant, it was like the dam burst. I finally cried! I finally released the tears. I finally let it out and decided to deal rather than shove it deep down and fight it.

I let the tears pour as I faced what had happened. I cried about what I went through, tears flowing nonstop. Liquid coated my cheeks with fury as I bawled and screamed into my pillow, heaving and gasping desperately for breath as I wailed uncontrollably.

My stomach was constantly contracting as I remembered it all.

He grabbed and pinned me on the wall, grinded on me, and groped me. I cringed away like I was trying to brakes from the memory and cried more.

His eyes, how he looked at me with those crazed eyes, and it was like I was seeing it all over again, clear as day. I beat against a pillow as I cried, thinking of how he flung me onto the couch and pinned me down, hands above my head as he grinded into me some more.

I cried at the memory of how helpless I felt.

I shuddered, "Oh God, II ccan't tttake thththis," I stuttered in between sobs, shouting at no one.

This onslaught of memories was too much to bear. Whenever something traumatizing came to the forefront of my mind, I squealed out in intervals. I groaned out as if I was in terrible pain.

Deep down, though, I cried as well, because I missed Ron.

Then I cried because I cried about missing him and about the fact that I was actually missing him in the first place. I felt sick to my stomach, gross even. How could I?

If I am honest with myself, I did cross that imaginary line I had drawn with Ron one too many times, like grabbing breakfast together after work, hanging out at the movie theatre, and enjoying marathon nights together, where we binge-watch any one of my favorite TV series.

Hitting up nightclubs on my off nights, a regular club, and I can go on.....

We had so much fun together. Ron made me laugh, made me feel safe, and then showed me a beast. However, the beast I wanted to come out

was to ravish me, not harm me.

How could I have been so wrong in judging him? I saw no clue. Nothing at all that would indicate him to be this type of person or someone to act out in such a way. It was like his soft, caring demeanor had just cracked, and he had lost it.

I cried out even more, throat scratchy, nose snotty as I continued to soak my pillows and sheets. The depressing feeling of loneliness overcame me.

So alone, yet again, just like before Jada came into my life.

I miss my mom so much right now it hurts. I wish she were here to comfort me. This was probably the third time today I had hoped she was with me. I have been thinking about her a lot lately.

I bawled into my pillow as I thought of even my dad, only because I secretly missed him and wondered if he was dead or alive. I cried for the father I never had.

Being fatherless and not having that male figure or that father that is supposed to teach his little girl how to be loved certainly was a harsh pill to swallow.

My mother took that from me. But she had her reasons and was convinced of them.

Maybe my father is out there somewhere. Or perhaps he was dead and gone like my mom.

As I got older, I was always trying to understand why my mom would deliberately keep us apart. Sometimes I would get SO mad at her because I wanted to know my father.

I also often wondered what having my father in my life would have been like. As pathetic as it might sound, I used to dream of my dad and I playing together, him sipping imaginary tea from my toy tea cups, teaching me to ride a bike, and going to the father-daughter dances with me.

Sometimes I even imagine my dad as a famous actor. I even pretended as a child with my dolls, just missing that male presence as I would witness my so-called friends and their dads and wish I had their lives where I knew my father and had him in my life the way they had their dads in theirs.

SO many times, I even wondered if he just didn't want me and if my mom was only trying to protect me from the hurt and pain of knowing I was not wanted.

Just outright coming up with all sorts of theories trying to understand why my mom did what she did, but that one particular thought ate me alive...

Feeling unloved by my father, thinking he didn't care about me and didn't care to know me.

Let's just say my childhood into my teen years was not good because of this. That left me all sorts of messed up, and then she died. My mom died, and I was in more pain than I could bear.

Losing my mother, the only living family I know, killed me.

And as for my dad, he doesn't even know I exist. Maybe?

I screamed for not knowing then and still not knowing now, and I may die never knowing about my father, and it's a reality that I need to face and get past it.

I cried.....

Random hurts I experienced started filtering in my mind. They were slithering in, coming out of the woodwork.

I cried about my childhood. I had always kept to myself, never having any real friends at school, and honestly, I simply never truly fit in.

I was lonely most of my childhood. With the lack of a father figure, I sought out friends to try and fill that gap, but that was not a good experience. Or the most fantastic idea.

I remember being friends with some girls who simply picked on me every chance they got.

There was a gum incident. The mean girls had somehow gotten it into my hair and had rubbed it in well, rubbing their hands together as they purposefully melded it in. Apparently, they thought my hair was too long.

**Flashback**

Out of nowhere, down one of our many school halls, Amy says in an irritatingly sweet voice, "Hey Aubri hold up." She was one of Petal's minions. Both she and Nadia were.

Amy was the skinny brunette. It was shoulder length, though she always had it pulled in a tight one. Small dark brown eyes, a button nose, and thin lips.

I was rushing down the hall heading to the girl's washroom, and I could hear the three girls snickering behind me now. I paused but was not in the mood to deal with anything ridiculous they had planned to dish out.

"Hey, Aubri, why the rush? Where are you heading?" It was Nadia that spoke this time.

Huh, she always tried her best to impress Petal, which motivated her to be the meanest of the two. She was medium built and the shortest of the two, consistently overcompensating.

She had fiery red hair descending a little past her shoulders, a strong bone structure, and a pointy nose with perky lips.

I heard a pop as I was about to turn and look at my frenemies.

Turning around, it was Petal that shoved me back with her strong arms so I would not see, but in my peripheral, I saw a long stringy-looking thing, and she gripped my hair.

"Oh, I am so sorry. I got bubble gum in your hair." Petal spoke this time as she fussed over my hair in a fake attempt at getting it out. Sucking her teeth, she groans and fusses, "Oh my god, I think I made it worse," she did it mockingly.

And it felt to me like they were making it worse as Nadia stepped up. "Oooh, let me see." When she also began rubbing it in more while I, on the other hand, was trying to pull my hair out of their clutches and getting myself thrown around in the process.

My backpack flailing at my side, and all the justling around caused me to lose my balance a couple of times as I continually struggled against their hold.