912 It's Good To Be Alive

I am a eighteen year old.

Since I was a kid, I always had great dreams about my future.

Even though my world came crashing down when I was seventeen, I managed to pull myself back up.

Many things about me changed in that one year. But my dream of growing stronger didn't.

I still wanted to grow insanely strong. But not just to defeat the Abyssals and bring peace, but also so that I don't have to ever watch my people killed.

It's my greatest dream. But it's also my greatest fear.

I dread the day where I have to watch someone I love being killed in front of my eyes as I watch helplessly.

Perhaps that's why I train. That's why, even though I can take it easy and easily reach the Sovereign state, I shed sweat and blood.

Many say they're driven by their dreams. But I am driven by fear.

I can stand physical pain. I can hold on against mental torture. But I can't stand my nightmare becoming a reality.

I think of myself as a rational and calm man, but I know I act on impulses and emotions many times. This happens when the people close to me are harmed.

I pursued a cold blooded revenge against Kreo without thinking things through. I slaughtered the younger generation of the Xanders, destroyed the geniuses of Demon Abyss.

I tortued Dr. Thomas to the point he broke and brainwashed him with a new identity. I oversaw brutal torture of my enemies.

Yet, I'm the same guy who is angry that my girl got tortured.

Am I hypocrite? Not that I care, but with some exceptions, the people I torture are the ones actively harming the Human race.

How could the same be said about an innocent seventeen year old girl who was kidnapped by a mad scientist and treated like a lab rat?

But does this justify my actions that resulted in deaths of people not guilty enough of death?

No. My actions led to death of people that shouldn't have died. And I admit this without any hesitation.

Yet, this doesn't weigh down on my conscience.

After causing millions of deaths on Mars indirectly and almost letting Mirage Queen start a war, I witnessed the horror I inadverdently caused.

The suffering, the pain and the cries engulfed me. My conscience almost choked me to paralysis.

But as I saw more corpses and heard more tragic cries, my heart grew numb.

I no longer cried for people who died. I still felt sad, I still knew I was the one responsible, but I no longer lost my sleep over it.

I didn't become a psychopath that wished to actively harm people and seek pleasure from it. Nor did I become a whiner who cried in guilt over the loss he caused.

I accepted the loss. And I moved on.

But despite the growing indifference, I felt more and more responsible.

I wanted to continue protecting the Human Race.

But I'm no hero. When my own life was threatened, I decided to back off. Or at least, that's what supposed to happen.

I still went into the Abyss, I still fought the Undead.

I was implanted with a strand of death energy I can't destroy. I was pushed into a space crack that nearly killed me.

Sarah, Sia and Enigma paid the price for my actions and nearly died. I tried my best to keep them safe. But as the Undead chasing us grew every day, things got tricky.

Even then, I was confident that I'd grow strong enough soon enough to keep them safe.

But my body failed under the death strand and instead of protecting them, I ended up being protected. I became a burden.

I was the reason Enigma was almost pushed to death.

So, when I woke up and learned her condition, I ran to her without a second thought.

I didn't care if it's dangerous. I didn't care if it's stupid to risk my life that she saved by risking her own life. All I cared was her safety.

I barely spent time with my father. Being the single parent, my mother couldn't spent enough time with me.

I lost my father. I lost my mother.

I didn't want to lose anyone else. No matter the cost.

So, I ran. Across the thick forests, up the dangerous mountains, down the scary valleys, I ran.

When I finally found her, she was on the verge of death.

My mind turned blank at that sight. My body froze and I thought the blood in my body stopped flowing.

'Dying in front of me as I watch helplessly...'

The memory of my mother's death flashed in my mind and overlapped with the present.

At that moment, I didn't care about my safety.

I roared at the Undead and jumped to save the girl who grew closer to me.

Sarah was dismayed at my actions. I felt sorry for her. But even that guilt didn't stop me from doing what I must.

I didn't want to live in a world where I'd lose the people close to me.

"Sarah, go!" I told her that I had a plan. I did. A stupid plan.

I'd negotiate with the System and retain my memories. The price would of course be tremendous. But there's no other choice.

[System, I have a request...]

As the fires of the Undead engulfed me and my consciousness started fading, I called out to the entity deep inside.

The plan was stupid. But an agreement was reached.

I'd sell away my soul to the System in exchange for a life of one year. But it's the best plan that's possible.

Then darkness enveloped me and I lost all form of consciousness.

I knew right then, the next time I opened my eyes, my soul would no longer be mine.

But then why--

"Varian!"

A pair of sky blue eyes appeared in front of him and woke him up.

The world suddenly came to life and I gasped, relishing the long lost sensation of being 'alive'.

I looked at the clear sky, heard the pleasant sounds of a river flowing by, smelled the sweet scent of the flowers, and felt the gentle touch of the wind on my skin.

"I..."

I looked at the blonde girl on my left and the silver haired girl on my right. Their eyes were closed and their soft hands were holding mine. And I noticed my hands were pressing their palms tightly, as if to crush their hands.

As a result, their hands were bleeding heavily and the scent of blood filled the air. Yet, they didn't let go of my hand.

[Host, you are lucky. System was about to bring back your memories when they performed Synergy with you.

Remember how you can share your insights through Synergy? It's because Synergy is actually building a link between your souls. So, the same Synergy enabled them to wake your soul and restore your memories.]

I opened my mouth but no word came out.

I was prepared to sell my soul and live for a single year. Yet, now I'm told that not only did I return, I didn't have to pay anything.

With a shocked mind, I just stared at them blankly.

The world dimmed at that moment.

In my eyes, only their profiles remained.

Slowly, the corner of my lips lifted up and I looked at the rising star.

"It's good to be alive."