Chapter 38

He hated the smell of hospitals... It nauseated him to the brim. Everyone there always looked somewhat depressed and pitiable and it wasn't a nice feeling at all.

Jason adjusted his black nose mask which he intentionally wore to prevent excessive inhalation of the hospital antiseptics and drugs that had become a permanent smell.

As he walked through the hallway in search of the cashier section for the final discharge bills with his unkempt curls bouncing all over the place without care, Jason observed the stolid atmosphere, there were a lot of people trooping in and out of the general hospital all in their world of problems alongside their loved ones. It depressed him to know that such an amount of people fell sick each day.

It may sound unbelievable but he never needed to visit a general hospital even at a younger age. But when Mason called the day before, informing him of Sean's attempt to take his own life, Jason dropped every feud between them and rushed to the sent location to find his best friend and brother in a critical situation struggling for his life.

Jason had cried like never before, uncontrollable tears found their way down. The doctors claimed he overdosed on drugs and his heartbeat was close to flat. Mason who looked drained of color confirmed he visited Sean and found him unconscious in his room and thought he was already dead.

Sean's authoritarian parents willed every dime they had to a Cheshire home in London, denouncing their son publicly on the news and further making sure his life was a living hell as they reportedly wrote to the university where he studied to put Sean out of their school with the influence of being major contributors to the school's foundation. He lost his admission for unknown reasons.

This happened not long after Miriam his former lover broke his heart... Then came Charlotte and her shenanigans, sending the vulnerable guy mixed up emotions until he could take no more. He resorted to drugs and booze since the women were never reliable.

Jason never knew all of these were what his friend passed through alone. Sean was always the strong brave type who never cried over spilled milk, because his traditionalist of a father brought him up with the words that "Strong men don't cry nor shed tears, it was for the women to cry and wail."

So Sean grew with a strong backbone, always eating it all up and never throwing up even if it choked him.

His parents were cruel people.

Jason finally made it to the cashier counter to pay up the bills since his friend was in a stable health condition and had no one to fill in as next of kin. Mason his cousin was a deadbeat, at least he was useful for once which elated Jason.

After the long queue, it was his turn. As easy as it felt to slip his credit card and settle all bills, it was huge money that left his account just like that but Jason cared less.

He moved over to the next space to write down some necessary info when his eyes caught something familiar far down the hallway, and adjacent door with the word "Physiotherapy" written boldly on top in red ink.

Jason's heartbeat began to thump erratically, his folded palms became clammy with sweat. Uncertain emotions filled him as he stared deeper into the amassed crowd to properly identify what he saw.

"Sophia?..." He whispered to himself.

She was guided by two able hands as she stepped out of the therapy room with a walking cane. She had a wide ear ripping smile on her face as the doctor on white said something funny to her inciting a wider grin.

Jason's insides twisted. He watched in sheer concentration wanting to absorb every part of her he'd missed but they were too far apart for even the littlest of details. Sophia was yet to meet his eyes, and without a second thought, Jason moved closer, carefully pinning her with his hard gaze until they locked eyes.

***

Song: Halsey (Sorry)

I run away when things are good

And never really understood

The way you laid your eyes on me

In ways that no one ever could

And so it seems I broke your heart

My ignorance has struck again

I failed to see it from the start

And tore you open till the end

(Chorus)

And am sorry to my unknown lover

Sorry that I can't believe

That anybody ever really

Starts to fall in love with me

Sorry to my unknown lover

Sorry I could be so blind

Didn't mean to leave you

And all of the things that we had behind.

And someone will love you

Someone will love you

But someone isn't me

Someone will love you

But someone isn't me.

For some reason her clean-cut nails were a nice sight to see, avoiding the hard penetrating gaze beside her. She contemplated what to say to end the long tense silence between them. It was sending chills down her recuperating spine and Sophia didn't like it at all.

It was her last guess that she'd run into him at the hospital. There were absolutely no reasons why he would be there. "Tis a small world," Sophia thought. Carefully noting how skinnier he looked with his unkempt curly hair, the evident eye bags underneath his once charming eyes though it didn't deter the electrifying feeling it incited in her every time they gazed at her. He'd give her his undivided attention, she missed that so much.

They sat inside his car in silence, Jason was in dire need of words. It felt strange and cold between them and he detested it, the feeling of strangeness.

She looked happy and healthy, he was glad.

Most especially she looked prettier now and Jason wanted so much to comment.

But found himself spilling something else "Your legs?... They're healing well" he gestured towards her lean straight legs nicely stretched out of her flowery gown.

"Yeah... I walk a few steps with it. Stanley had me register in a physiotherapy class and it has been great since then" she smiled at herself.

"Stanley..." Jason tested the name on his lips. "You live together?" He questioned inquisitively.

"Jason..." Sophia started.

"I thought he was supposed to travel abroad?" He cut in quickly, deciding he didn't need to hear her say it.

She nodded in affirmation. "Yes he was but he couldn't just leave me alone in Nigeria. So he decided to stay with me here and make sure I get better" she confessed hoping he wouldn't take it the wrong way.

Jason laughed dryly at himself for always being a fool and letting people mess him up.

Sophia was going to get better and leave the country with doctor Stanley forgetting she is marriage bound, that someone she's committed to is at home anticipating her return" he thought in his mind, at that point he felt like giving up the fight, to just let it all go and move on just as his mother had advised. He made to open the car door and saunter far away for fresh air in surrender but his heart was not in concordance with his mind.

It ached him to leave without settling at least the basics.

"Why did you leave me like that?" He began not giving up.

"I needed space and the house was becoming too claustrophobic for me."

"You could have at least talked to me instead of ripping me open with your unprecedented disappearance, for god's sake we're legally married Sophia" he complained, his tied-up emotions loosening by the minute.

She flared. "Tell you that I feel so insecure about my condition? About the fact that I'm married to someone who doesn't acknowledge my existence only when his manly needs call? or tell you that your supposed ex is pregnant for you, now turn baby mama which you already knew I guess?!!!!" She yelled, her eyes began to sting with tears as she struggled to hold them back.

"I am not one to hoard up feelings. But it gets too much or I become overbearing or nagging? I've tried to make you see things from my perspective, from my view for once" she pointed strongly.

"It's so difficult having a decent constructive conversation with you, Jason! It all boils down to the fact that you love me and it's not enough! It's not! Because I love you too so so much and am scared to put my heart out there for it to be trashed and bruised like it's nothing. It scares me Jason that's why" she finally gave in to her need to cry and the tears didn't stop.

Only that Jason sat perplexed. The moment he thought he was on the right, Bam! Every finger suddenly pointed to him and wrapping his head around the truth was difficult.

He watched her struggle to wipe the tears but couldn't, he extended a cloth towards her without saying anything.

"You lied about Charlotte that night" she continued. "She told you about her pregnancy but you kept it all to yourself and pointed accusatory fingers at me that same day!... When were you going to tell me, Jason? That soon I'll have a co-wife? When?!" She provoked.

"Am sorry" he whispered with a bent face.

"You don't get to say sorry now. Explain yourself since you want to know if I live with Stan or not."

"Sophia I said am sorry I messed up, it's from my deepest heart. it's like I didn't read the husband manual or something because I did everything wrongly with you and since you left me I've penalized myself for everything and nothing in particular and I don't care if you live with the doctor or not I just want you to know that I never stopped loving you and wishing I did right by you" he cried.

"Everyone wants me to give up and let what we shared go, but they didn't share what we had, they didn't feel what I felt Sophia... I can't let go, am sorry but if that's what you want from me I'll tell you I don't dare to let you go. I need you with me, the house has been so empty without you we can make this work" he convinced.

Sophia's phone suddenly began to ring the noise stirring his migraine.

"It's Stan, he is through with what we came for and wants to go home. I have to go now" she announced and without much ado, she swung the door open but Jason was quick to hold her back.

"Charlotte isn't pregnant for me, I found out and wanted to come clean with you the next day but you already left. I didn't tell you about her because I knew you've gone through a lot in life and still did all. After all, you weren't loved enough. I didn't want to hurt you, Soph... In my hands, you've seen hell I could never relate to, and am sorry because am a spoilt brat who learned nothing order than to party and drink. No courtesy nor discipline as my father would stress on. I deserve less, not you. But aside from all these self-realizations Sophia, I've come to understand the true meaning of responsibility, especially as a married man. I need a job and an average education to be able to scale through. I promised to take up a job in my father's company for some years just to be able to earn a living for both of us" Jason poured out his heart at a bewildered Sophia.

"If it's space you need then you can have it as long as you want but promise me you'd return to me whenever you're ready?" Sophia paused in shock. It was a tight corner Jason had her in.

The irritating sound from her phone interrupted their little bubble. Sophia nodded, with the help of her walking cane she got lost in the crowd.

Song: Lewis Capaldi (Before you go)

I fell by the wayside like everyone else

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you but I was just kidding myself

Our every moment I start to replace

Cause now that they are gone, all I hear

Are the words that I needed to say

When you hurt under the surface like troubled water running cold

Well, time can heal but this won't.

(Chorus)

So, before you go

Was there something I could've said to make your heartbeat better?