30

Michael

"So, Michael, what's your earliest memory of your family violating you?" Doctor Charles asked.

"The night it started," I shakily said.

"How old were you?"

"Six."

"What happened?"

"My parents were in their room arguing. I didn't want to hear them, so I went downstairs to the living room and played with my toy trucks. My dad stormed out the front door while my mom chased him. Once the front door slammed shut, my mom looked at me and said, 'Come on, Michael. I'm going to teach you how to please yourself.' Then she grabbed my hand and took me to my room."

"What happened after that?"

"My mom pulled my pants and underwear down and sat me on my bed. She sat next to me and started stroking my penis. After a while, she told me to start stroking myself while she watched. She was moaning and touching herself as she watched me."

"How long did that continue before it ended?"

"I don't know. It ended when my dad opened my door and said he heard my mom moaning and wanted to know what was happening."

"What did your dad do?"

"My dad asked me what was going on, and I told him that my mom was teaching me to self-pleasure. He pulled his pants down and told me to show him everything I learned."

"I can't imagine how traumatic that was for you. Did you ever tell anyone?"

"I told our butler, but he couldn't say anything; otherwise, my dad would kill him. He hid me from my parents as much as he could."

"Did you ever tell anyone else?"

"No."

I stared at the clock on the wall, wanting this session to end. Therapy had been going fine until Doctor Charles decided to dive into the details of my abuse. I was barely accepting the fact it was abuse; I wasn't ready to think about what had happened.

"Michael, I understand it may be difficult for you to look back, but if the abuse you went through is affecting your relationship, we must address that."

"I know. It's hard, though."

Doctor Charles glanced at the clock.

"Alright, it looks like our time is up. We made good progress today. I'll see you on Tuesday."

"Thanks."

"By the way, how is the couple's therapy going with your girlfriend?"

"It's difficult," I sighed. "Victoria isn't quite ready to open up about how she feels. We've been doing exercises to connect better, and hopefully, soon, she'll be able to open up."

"Okay. Well, I hope that works out for you."

"Thanks."

I quickly walked out of the office and to my car. I told Victoria I would pick up Antonio from school, and I didn't want to leave him waiting. It's a horrible feeling to stand there and wait if someone is going to pick you up or if they simply forgot about you and you have to go home alone.

The doors had just opened when I walked up to the school. I searched around for Antonio, so he could see me right away.

"Daddy!" I heard as I felt small arms wrap around my legs.

"Hey! How was school?"

"Good."

"What did you do today?" I asked as I picked up Antonio and started walking to the car.

"We learned about the ocean."

"The ocean? What did they tell you about the ocean?"

"There's five."

"Really? What are their names?"

"Atlantic, Pacific, Indian, Arctic, and the Antarctic."

"Good job! What else did you learn?"

"The water's salty. You can't drink it, or it'll kill you."

"Did you learn about all the fish that live there?"

"No."

"Well," I said as I buckled Antonio into his car seat. "How about you learn today? We can go to the aquarium. What do you say?"

"Yeah!"

"Alright," I chuckled. "Let's go home and get Mommy."

"Okay."

Antonio was quiet as we drove home. I kept glancing in the rearview mirror and saw he looked lost in thought.

"What's on your mind, Antonio?"

"Have you hurt Mommy?" Antonio asked softly.

"No. I haven't. I promised you I wouldn't remember?"

"Yeah."

"What makes you ask that question?"

"Mommy seems sad around you."

I let out a sigh.

Damn, this kid is observant.

I pulled over and parked the car. I took a deep breath before turning to face Antonio.

"When I hurt Mommy, I scared her. Right now, she's sad because she's scared I will hurt her again."

"But you promised you wouldn't," Antonio pouted.

"I know. It's just that I hurt Mommy before. I said sorry and promised I wouldn't hurt her again, but I ended up hurting her."

"How many times have you hurt Mommy?"

That question caught me off guard. How many times had I hurt Victoria? How often did I hit her, apologize, swear never to do it again, and break that promise? More times than I can count.

"I don't know."

Antonio looked like he was about to cry. The last thing I wanted was to be the cause of his tears.

"This time is different, though. I promised you I wouldn't hurt Mommy, and I will keep that promise. I hurt Mommy because there's something wrong with me, but I'm seeing a doctor and taking classes to help me get better. Okay?"

"What did you do to Mommy?"

How do I explain to a four-year-old that I tied up his mother and let multiple men rape her repeatedly? I probably shouldn't tell him that. What could I say? I took a deep breath.

"I'll tell you when you're older. Okay?"

Antonio shrugged his shoulders.

"Okay."

"Alright. Let's get home so we can go to the aquarium."

I started the car and continued driving home. I felt shaken up between my therapy session and Antonio's sudden questions. I couldn't wait to hold Victoria in my arms. She seemed to be opening up slowly. She would hug me back whenever I hugged her, but I still couldn't kiss her neck or touch her body. I was slightly irritated and impatient, but I needed to remember that everyone dealt with trauma differently. Although I was able to move on with life, Victoria may need a little time to heal.