Back in time

Anastasia James

We rehearsed a lot. I dare say we rehearsed more than usual, because my leg muscles were sore. I could barely sit on the floor to untie my sneakers. Steph's snapping of her fingers, used to mark the rhythm of the steps, still echoed in my ears, bringing a certain nausea. All I wanted at that moment was a long, relaxing hot bath. And yes, I envy the fact that the boys had already gone home a few hours ago. I wish I had done the same.

As soon as I thought about it, I couldn't help my tired face. I have never been as tired as I am today. But, in compensation, the choreography is almost ready. There are only a few more pieces to go, and soon all this torment will be over.

“That's enough for today, girls.” As soon as Steph said those three little words, the girls and I couldn't help but celebrate and sigh with relief. “This way it feels like I'm enslaving you.” She snorted, rolling her eyes.

“Not exactly, but yes, you are.” Molly scoffed, causing all of us to laugh, except Steph.

“We're less than two weeks away from the championship.” She sighed, visibly apprehensive. “We can't let it go now.”

“We know that.” I smiled and started to tie my shoes. “We were just teasing you.”

“Yes, we were.” Victoria nodded, as she tied her black hair into a high ponytail. “And not to mention that we can rest tomorrow, so don't worry.”

“That's right.” Molly nodded.

“I love it and hate the fact that I'm excluded from it.” Steph narrowed her eyes.

“I say the same thing.” I let out a long sigh and picked myself up off the floor.

Tomorrow will be another busy day, because even though it’s the boys' turn to rehearse, Steph and I need to be close by, since there will be times during the choreography when we will all be mixed together, so the boys can't cross that line.

“If it weren't for you, we wouldn't be where we’re now.” Victoria smiled.

At this comment, all the girls started to shout in celebration, making us laugh. Obviously it wasn't just me and Steph, but I thought it was cute of them. We were so distracted that we only noticed the figure standing in the doorway when Molly called our attention to it.

“Matt!” She exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

I looked up immediately and frowned when I saw that it was indeed Matthew. What is he doing here? I thought he had been home for ages. I wondered if something had happened. He stared at me and opened his mouth, but said nothing, then looked away from me to Steph.

“I came to drop something off that I forgot to bring earlier and realized that you guys were already done with rehearsal, so I decided to wait a little longer and get the keys out of here.” He shrugged. “That way you don't have to be here so early tomorrow.”

“Okay…” Steph frowned, wondering how strange Matt was, but nodded and walked over to her purse, which was lying on the floor.

He looked away from me for a moment and was surprised to see that I was still staring at him, unlike the other girls, who had already turned their attention to their things. But that didn't last long either, for Steph soon returned with the keys, forcing him to break eye contact.

“Here they are.” Steph held out the set of keys to Matt, who took them without hesitation. When he opened his mouth to thank her, he simply didn't say anything and remained paralyzed for a few moments.

He gasped and looked at me, sending a shiver through my body.

“Anastasia? Can we talk?”

I stared at him, perplexed, and looked away from him to the girls, who had stopped what they were doing and were looking at us with a certain curiosity. I don't believe that in their minds some evil is going on, imagining that the two of us are going out together, but I confess that just the thought of it made me nervous. I felt my cheeks warming up subtly, but I tried to conceal it.

“Of course. Yeah, I'm gonna go, okay girls? See you later.” I pointed to the door, smiling minimally. I started to walk that way, but couldn't get out, because Steph held my arm.

“Do you want me to wait for you?” She looked into my eyes, waiting for a sincere answer. I opened my mouth, but couldn't say anything, because Matt interrupted me.

“No need. I'll take her home later.” He affirmed, surprising me.

“You?” Steph arched her eyebrow, suspicious.

“Calm down, girl.” She huffed, crossing her arms. “I'm not robbing Anastasia.”

“I'm more worried about you than her.” She laughed puffily and turned to me again. “Anything else, call me, okay?”

“Okay.” I nodded, feeling calmer.

“Now you see.” He laughed mockingly, visibly uncomfortable. “What are you going to call her for? To help hide my body when she kills me, eh?”

“I don’t know. Could be, right?” Steph shrugged and smiled mischievously.

He was walking in long, determined strides to the door, and if I hadn't hurried, I doubt I would have caught up with him. When the night breeze hit me, I wrapped my arms around my body immediately, in search of some warmth. Matthew stopped in front of Johnny's truck, staring at it intently. I know that everything has its time, but the fact that he wanted to talk to me directly was a surprise, so I couldn't help but be anxious.

“So…” I moistened my lips. “What did you want to talk to me about?” I saw his shoulders stiffen immediately, so I stared at him expectantly. He turned to face me, and I regretted it the next second when I saw his apathetic countenance.

Oh, crap! What had happened? Why was he suddenly like this? Was it something I said? I opened my mouth to question, but he closed his eyes and raised his right hand, asking for a moment.

“I know this is going to sound completely strange.” He sighed. “But, I need you to go somewhere with me.”

“What place?” I frowned, beginning to worry about his attitude. He sighed again, and still without making eye contact, said:

“Can you not ask about that now?” He swallowed hard. “I promise I'll explain everything later.” He opened his eyes, finally meeting mine.

If anyone saw my face right now, they would think I saw a ghost, because I'm really scared. I have never seen Matthew like this, and after yesterday, I am starting to believe that it is really my fault. He lost someone important, and my telling him about my life story may have unlocked unpleasant memories for him. I know there would be no way for me to guess, but it's tricky to simply not feel that way. So I took a deep breath and nodded.

“Okay.” I nodded. “Are you going to wait until they leave to lock up Rachel's?” I pointed with my thumb at the loft behind me. He looked up, a little uncertain, but finally denied it.

“We won't be long.” He assured me. “Then I'll lock up.”

After that, Matthew and I didn't talk again. We climbed into the truck and remained silent for most of the ride. Sometimes I peeked in his direction, just checking to see if everything was alright, but he literally just drove on, without so much as a peep of a reaction.

At one point I sighed loudly, and felt his gaze on me, but I didn't look back. I am too anxious to know where we are going. As I promised, I wasn't going to ask him anything now. He would explain everything to me later. I just can't understand why we need to go somewhere else just to talk. Couldn't it be Rachel's?

In order not to freak out, I decided not to worry about anything and just enjoy the landscape passing by through the window. However, after about ten minutes, we finally stopped somewhere and Matthew turned off the truck. He didn't say anything, just stared intently at the steering wheel, so I looked around. A shiver went through my body as soon as I read the sign at the entrance of the place in front of us: “Sturgis Cemetery”.

I blinked a few times, trying to formulate enough convincing arguments why he had brought me there, but honestly, nothing came to mind. Does he really want me to kill him? If so, look, I'm sorry to say, but…

“Sorry about that.” He muttered.

“For what?” I stared at him.

“For bringing you here without saying anything first. I wonder what must be going through your mind right now.” I saw the outline of a smile on his face, which put my mind at ease.

“Yes, I'm full of questions.” I nodded and laughed nasally. “But I'd rather not ask and hope you'll explain everything to me later.”

As soon as I said this, Matthew looked up at me. There was a mixture of pain and gratitude that I couldn't quite explain, but I gave him a small smile in response. I have no idea why I am here, but I understand that it is not only difficult, but also very important to him. So I will try to put my fear of the dark aside and concentrate only on him.

“Today is kind of an important day for me.” I said, staring at my hands. “And sad.” He added. “I confess that this morning when I woke up I didn't even remember what day it was, but I'm so busy with the championship that I just… Anyway.” He sighed. “I brought you here, but I can't even explain why.”

He was speechless, so I smiled and put my hand on his right hand.

“You don't have to make up reasons. Pretend that I came of my own free will.” I nodded and received a sigh of relief in response.

I know how hard it’s to go through this, and if he felt comfortable enough to have me around today, I can't complicate things any further. So when he opened the door of his truck and started walking into the cemetery, I had to take a deep breath and keep my mind focused in order not to turn around and cry in the car.

There was a remnant of lighting in the place, making it even more frightening, but I tried to concentrate only on the white of Matt's shirt. He was walking further ahead, determined, but at the same time he seemed airborne, as if he were in his own world. Suddenly he stopped walking, and my heart just leapt out, afraid that it was something very bad. But then he turned around, and as I followed his gaze, I realized that we were standing in front of a gravestone, which belonged to Rachel Jones. As soon as I read the name, I remembered the certificate I saw the other day at Rachel's, from the Anna Gruenwald Academy of Classical Ballet Dance. So, apparently, this is Rachel.

Matthew was silent, saying nothing and just staring intently at the tombstone. I didn't want to interrupt his moment either, so I stood there, just watching him.

“She was my sister.” He swallowed hard, with his eyes on the headstone. “And this is the first time I've come here.” He gave a bitter laugh. I looked away from him and noticed how empty his gaze seemed. “I was the one who killed her.” He forced a smile, but the accumulated tears in his eyes only indicated that nothing was right. “And she was pregnant.” His expression became dull, as if he was remembering every detail of what had happened. “Am I going to hell for this?” He stared at me with the same expression.

Suddenly, my fear dissipated. The fact that the darkness surrounded us no longer bothered me, because my greatest fear was that Matthew would be swallowed up by guilt that didn’t belong to him. According to his gravestone, Rachel died in 2019, which is three years. Three years of blaming himself. No one deserves anything like that….

“No.” I said, and Matt frowned. “You didn't kill her.” I looked deep into his eyes.

“How can you say that with such certainty?” He asked, with that blank look in his eyes. “I didn't even come to her funeral. Her own brother.” He emphasized and laughed heartily. “Not all people are good, Anastasia.”

“But you are.” I insisted, leaving him relatively confused. “Whoever kills someone doesn't feel regret or guilt.” I moistened my lips. “You didn't kill her, Matthew.”

I saw the exact moment when his breathing became irregular. I bet your mind is exploding with the arguments of a stranger who barely knows you and already says something with such conviction. But even though I had talked with Johnny and Steph before, from the very beginning I felt that there was something different about him. Even when I didn't understand and hated him, I always felt curious about him. I could never imagine that this curiosity was simply compassion.

“You say that to make me feel better.” He laughed, puffed up. “But you know what I did?” He narrowed his eyes. “I turned my back on her when she needed me most! It was always just the two of us. We had no parents. And when I wanted to follow my dream, she didn't think twice and came with me. She had no one here…” He swallowed. “And I just left her.” Matt pressed his lips together and looked up, trying to control his tears.

I took a deep breath. This is very sad, but I don't want to cry in front of you. I need to stay strong a little longer. If I'm strong, he will be too.

“She gave up everything to come with me, to fulfill my dream, and I never even thanked her.” He stared at his hands. “I'm not a good person.” He shook his head negatively.

I put my right hand on her back.

“It's the truth.” He stared at me. “At the time, she was dating one of the boys who danced with us at the club. They had a big fight, and I was still against her, without even knowing why.” He took a deep breath, trying to keep control. “The reason was revealed two months later, with a pregnancy test.” He sighed. “She was desperate. Alone, how could she take care of a child? It was then that he said he would stay by her side. I was happy. I would be an uncle, after all.” He shrugged. “One day we had won another championship and the prize was a good amount of money. As usual, me and the guys in the dance group went to the club to celebrate by getting drunk. But, my sister was home alone, so, worried, I called her and asked her to come over?”

Matthew closed his eyes and simply stopped talking. He pressed his lips together so hard that for a minute I thought he was going to break them in half. His whole body arched, shaking like never before, until he fell to his knees on the floor, surrendering to his pain.

“If I hadn't asked her to go, if I had gone home…” He bent down as far as she could, resting her forehead on her hands, which were on the ground. “That shit would never have run her over.” He said in sobs.

Seeing him suffer like that broke my heart in a thousand pieces, but it's part of the process. There's no way he could have known that, that night, an idiot would get behind the wheel after drinking at the bar. This guy is to blame, not Matt.

I should have done more for him, maybe said something positive or whatever, but at that moment all I could do was pat him on the back. I couldn't even hold back my tears. I just let them roll down my face. Matthew had given in and was simply crying out loud, not even caring if anyone could hear us.

He was finally getting over his grief.