CHAPTER 49 "ARA'S DIARY 2"

"WHAT are you saying?" my weeping utterance.

"The truth," he laughed softly then stared at me. "Look at me," a moment later I averted my gaze from my husband that's what I heard him say.

Even though I didn't want to, I willingly obeyed him. Daniel has always been like that. He had his own way of persuading me and he did not have to raise his voice or be authoritative in the tone of his speech to do so.

"When I'm gone, fall in love again, go on with your life," I quickly felt an intense coldness all over my body because of what Daniel said.

I shook my head consecutively. "No, you know I can't do that. You know how much I love you and when I do that you also know that even if there is someone else next to me you will still be the one I will look for, you will still be the one I will find," I cried insistently.

I can't believe I heard those words from him personally but on the other hand, I still understand why.

"But you have to do that," Daniel replied in a faint and informative tone.

"D-Do you know what you're saying?" full of resentment I asked then finally sobbed.

"It's all for you, Ara," he insisted.

"I know, but I still don't want to!"

That’s when I saw the intense pity that draws into my husband’s eyes. That’s the pity he feels for me. Now I fully understand what he meant when he asked me earlier. Why is he still here until now?

I cried a lot at that realization and I couldn't stop myself.

"Am I the one holding you back? Am I the one who is the cause of all your suffering? That is why you keep on clinging and forcing yourself to wake up every morning? Because I can't accept that you're going to be gone? Because I don't want to let you go?" that was my consecutive question in a tone full of guilt.

“Accept the truth in your heart, sweetheart, let go,” in a pleading tone was the response I heard from my husband instead.

I cried even harder because he said that.

Crying that eventually led to loud sobs.

I just said it a while ago, even if it's hard for me to do if that's what Daniel wants and even more so if that's what will make him really happy.

But can I make it?

Would I be able to let him go if it would mean the definite death of half of my heart that he would surely take with him?

I know that I’m sure. And even though he wants me to love again, I know that I will never be able to take him out of my heart. Because just like I promised, he is the only person that I'm going to marry. And I will do that, even if it means me growing old alone.

I knew I could no longer give myself to others. I knew all that because that’s how deep the love I have for my husband.

That is why I am sure that I will never be able to give anything to anyone else all the things that I have already given to him.

"How will I be when you're gone?" I asked holding his hand.

He did not answer. He just kept staring at me while tears welled up in his eyes.

"It's not easy what you wanted to happen because I love you, I love you so much and I don't want to be left behind. I want to be with you always Daniel, do you know that huh?"

And only then did everything finally become clear to me. That I need to release the man I love the most.

In the tone of my voice, it was as if I could do more.

Yes, I hope that my pleading will prolong his life. Because I was so scared of losing him. I really can not do it. I can’t explain how much pain I felt in those moments but it really hurt. In a way, it was as if I wanted to shout because of a mixture of anger, resentment, and many unanswered questions.

Why Daniel? My husband?

I know it's been six months since the doctor diagnosed his illness but until now those questions are what I'm still looking for answers to.

"I-It's not easy for me to leave you either. I don't want to, but I can't do anything," that's when my beloved's tears flowed. "Do you know that you are the best thing that has happened in my life? And if you will just believe, I know this is not the last time we will meet."

When I didn't speak and just kept crying my husband's lips twitched again

"Soon I know we will be together again, I will wait for you there in the place where I know we will never be apart, ever," said Daniel who despite crying was still able to smile.

"D-Daniel," I exclaimed. As I gradually came to know in my heart and I felt that all that my husband was saying was helping to somehow lighten my mood and make everything clear to me.

"Maybe right now I just need to go first. Maybe your mission isn't over yet, you still have something important to do. But sweetheart no matter how long it takes, I can wait for you, I just want to make sure that you will be okay when I leave, that's all," in a pleading and almost whispered tone, that's what my husband said.

At that moment I knew I had no choice but to accept everything. Maybe Daniel is also tired and he wants to rest so he decided to talk to me seriously. This is to make sure that I will be okay when the day I dreaded has come.

"Thank you for loving me more than anyone could ever give me. But I hope when you leave, you will bring half of my heart too, so I know where I'm going because that will teach me the way," I said meaningfully despite the seeming knife drawing into my chest at that moment.

My husband smiled because of what I said as his eyes twinkled as he reached out and kissed me on the forehead.

"One last hug, p-please?" again I made a meaningful request then I lay down next to him and hugged his emaciated body tightly which he also reciprocated with a tight hug.

"I love you, sweetheart," my husband whispered to me.

"I love you so much, more than anything and anyone in my life," I replied again in tears.

"Hush now, you don't want your eyes to swell when you wake up tomorrow do you," he joked then followed what he said with a weak laugh.

I also laughed even though in fact what he said was not funny. Then I took the opportunity and squeezed myself hard on his side. I closed my eyes tightly before I opened my mouth to speak.

"I-I know you're tired, take a rest, I love you so much, you have to always remember that," despite the seeming lump stuck in my throat I still forced myself to say those words that I knew he had wanted for a long time. My husband wants to hear those words from me because he was tired and wanted to rest just like what I have said.

When I felt the hot liquid dripping on my forehead followed by the hot lip that also touched it, I cried even more.

"Starting tomorrow I need you to be brave, hold your heart, especially when you wake up and my eyes are still closed," Daniel continued.

I did not open my eyes but I continued to cry silently.

"Until we meet again, sweetheart, Ara, I love you," Daniel said again as I felt him kissed me on the forehead once more.

Then I opened my eyes and met his dark eyes. Suddenly it was as if I saw everything he said, that we would meet again at a different time, and will never be apart ever.

"Until we meet again, my love," I replied before I raised my head then touched his lips with a warm kiss, for the last time.