Messed up

"Guys, please!... Julianna quickly interrupted when she saw Tade was now angry while Shade was crying softly, clutching onto the edge of her dress tightly. She removed a handkerchief from her handbag that was sitting on the bed and offered it to Shade.

"She was a tomboy while we were growing up... She was strong! Stronger than most boys I knew back then. The Shade I knew was not a pushover!" Tade said fiercely towards Julianna.

"How could she have done that to herself!?... To us!?... We would have found a way around this if she had not pretended to me, her supposed best friend!" He said the final part with a pained expression on his face

"I'm sorry!" Shade whispered, still crying softly and clutching at her dress still. Her voice was audible enough for all to hear.

"How could you Shade!" Tade stood up from where he was perched and walked towards Shade. "How could you do that to yourself!?" He knelt beside her chair and tried to look into her downcast eyes. Answer me!

"Because I was a coward!... I was not as strong as you thought" Shade replied with a raised voice, her tears running freely now. "If I had not been such a coward... Perhaps everything would have been different between us.

They kept reminding me about how useless I was... And it's okay if they called me useless and a coward but not you... I can't deal with it if you also think I'm useless!"

"How!? I know you more than anybody else in this world so why would I think you are useless!? And who are these 'they' that you are referring to?" Tade asked in confusion. He got up and sat on a small stool beside Shade's chair.

"My parents. They said, If I had not been so scared and cowardly, maybe my rite of passage ceremony wouldn't have turned out to be such a disaster... And maybe I wouldn't have been a failure as a wife."

"What has your rite of passage ceremony got to do with this!?"

"What is rite of passage ceremony?" Tade and Julianna asked at the same time.

"Shade looked towards Julianna and first explained to her. Rite of passage is a girl's transition from childhood to adulthood. In our village, a girl is circumcised at age sixteen when she would be transitioned from a girl to a woman.

I was supposed to be brave on my rite of passage ceremony... Girls were thought to be brave on that day. I listened to women share their experiences when they were circumcised numerous times. Even though they all found it painful, they were still very brave and made their parents proud.

But me?... I was the coward that couldn't stand the sight of blood. When we got to the circumciser and I was led inside, I panicked when I saw the old woman holding a very sharp knife with drops of blood still sliding down its edge. My heart nearly fell out of my chest out of fright right then.

Two girls had earlier done before me and I saw they were bleeding and sobbing in pain. I was so scared I wanted to run but three strong women grabbed and held me down.

I fought and struggled the whole time and I was badly cut as a result of that. I was rushed to the clinic when the bleeding was getting out of hand.

My dad got me discharged from the clinic before I could complete my treatment. He blamed me of course, said everything would have gone smoothly if I wasn't such a coward.

I got home from the hospital and found out that not only my clitoris was cut but also my labia too. Long after I was mutilated, I suffered from an abscess and serious pain and I wasn't allowed to go back to the hospital. When I pleaded with him, he replied..."

'How many girls did you see at the hospital after their rite of passage? Why are you so determined to shame us? So it's now that your marriage to Tade had been finalized you want to show their family how useless you are...'

"He went on and on... He said no family would want a coward as a daughter in law and if you reject me then he would have no choice than to marry me off to the chief's criminal son. So I had no choice but to pretend... I can't bear your rejection and also didn't want to go back to living with them "

"Wow! Who does that to their own daughter!?" Julianna said with surprise.

"My parents, obviously." Shade answered Julianna and continued

"By the time Tade and I got married at nineteen, the wound was totally healed but the tissue had scarred badly. I later got to know that the lack of elasticity in the scar tissue that had formed, made penetration difficult and very painful during our first time together. It also made tearing occur... That was why I bled so much.

"I never told you this and no disrespect meant... I've always disliked your dad and the dislike turned to hatred when he threatened to marry you off at sixteen," Tade said

"I know and I hated him too... I hated both of them" Shade replied

"I bore the pain in silence. Thank God that was only the intercourse we had that gave us Mathew. I had a third-degree tear during Mathew's birth and I could barely walk but I tried to put a brave face on. I don't want to be seen as weak again.

The scare became thicker and my vaginal opening became progressively more inelastic after Mark's birth and penetration became more and more painful and difficult.

I gave birth to Josh through caesarian section because I was badly scarred down there. The doctor advised me to get it checked but I never went back. I was too busy with school and the kids. Since we no longer have intercourse, I have no reason to want to go back.

The scarred tissue then sort of started growing into a lump that kept getting bigger. Passing urine became difficult and painful. I had pelvic pain and other things. I tried self-medicating until when it became unbearable and I told Tade about it."

"Yes, she told me about it." Tade laughed with a frown on his face. "The stupid woman thought she had cancer and wanted to die in peace without a medical diagnosis. Can you imagine that level of stupidity!?" Tade asked Julianna.

"Yes I know I was stupid, thank you very much... And mind your mouth henceforth. I don't want your trouble so better don't look for mine." Shade who appeared to have gotten her spunk back replied.

Julianna looked at both of them and started laughing. She could imagine the kind of friendship bond that they had when they were young by merely looking at how they talked and jest with each other.

"You both are hilarious!" She managed to say after laughing so hard

"She's the hilarious one... It turned out the growth wasn't cancer, after all, thank God for that!" Tade said. "The lump was diagnosed as clitoral keloid which started with the mutilation and it was removed by surgical excision."

"I'm sorry for all that you've been thru. I never knew girls get circumcised until now." Julianna said.

"They do... In our village, they do it to minimize sexual desire and preserve virginity. They believed it reduces a woman's libido and helps her resist extramarital sexual acts."

"Reduce a woman's libido! Shouldn't that be considered illegal?" Julianna asked

"Yes! Female genital mutilation is now recognized internationally as a violation of the human rights of girls and women."

"I'm glad to hear that"

"Yeah me too. Now you know my reason, Julianna. I'm a thirty-two years old woman with no desire for sex whatsoever. Tade and I had stopped indulging in the act two years before my surgery, making it five years now.

Now we're back to where we started from... Friendship! We have never legally married anyway and don't ever think I would be a threat to you. Tade and I never had that kind of love towards each other.

I want my best friend to be happy... I also want a woman who would take my children as hers. You are the only one I can trust with my boys. Please, Julianna... What do you say?"