Chapter 31: Nightmare & Rivalry
How does somebody become a NEET?
“You… want me to go out with you? Um… Sure! Hehe.”
I’m so happy.
People often forget that many NEETs weren’t always NEETs. Many assume that they were just social outcasts from the start. That there was something inherently wrong with them from the very beginning, and they just couldn’t fit in. The truth is, however, that most were just regular members of society before withdrawing from it entirely and wasting away somewhere out of sight.
“Hey, how about we watch this cute anime together? I heard that it’s getting popular with the rest of the class. I want to go with the crowd!”
Sure. Let’s do it.
It is both a free and a suffocating existence. Paradoxical.
Somehow, all the time freed from the burden of your responsibilities doubles as added weight to your self-hatred. Because deep down, you know you have become a waste of space. A money sink. A fed mouth that contributes nothing to society.
“I’m hanging out with them too much? Aren’t you just being too shy? You should join us more often. They’re not bad people! Trust me!”
I’m… not too sure about that.
To continue living in society is to continue carrying the burden of people’s expectations. Expectations from family, friends, lovers, acquaintances, and even strangers.
Fulfilling these expectations can be immensely rewarding. You’ll be respected by many and earn perks you never had before. People will find themselves drawn to you like a magnet, making you a beacon of attention. This, in turn, feeds the cycle of climbing the societal ladder.
“Aren’t you being too much of a pussy? He was clearly just joking around. Come on. You know I wouldn’t cheat on you, right?... Why are you looking at me like that? Quit it. You’re getting on my nerves.”
I feel sį̵̝̦̝̜̰̙͎̞̭̜̙̥͖̹͆͝ck.
People grow obsessed with the power of standing above others. It’s deeply empowering—like having the world in your control, able to do anything you want.
A single word from your mouth, and others laugh, nod, and agree. Give a suggestion, and others will follow. It’s no wonder that it’s such an intoxicating feeling.
“You’re so pathetic! You should’ve just finished the bottle instead of leaving like that. What do you mean you felt sick? There’s no way they did that. Ugh. I can’t believe you. Why can’t you just be like □□□□□□? Aren’t you both guys?”
… Why?
On the other hand, to fail is to fall a rung lower. Forget respect; people will grow to hate you. You’ll start to perceive yourself as less than human, more like an eyesore for every passerby.
Sometimes, hating you will become the next popular thing to do. And when the bandwagon gets rolling, people want in to get their chance at climbing up that ladder, using you as a step up a level.
“What did you come here for? Huh? Yeah, I told them that, so what?... Haha! Of course, it was funny!... What? If you didn’t want to look bad, then you shouldn’t look bad yourself, right? Why is it my fault? Be a man and suck it up. I’m glad I left you.”
Yö̶̹̲̬́̈͛̌̇̈́̔u...
Some people don’t fall right away. They hold on to hope that things will get better. Once you escape the high school jungle, you tell yourself that university must be different.
People here will be better. More mature. Not as quick to grow a temper.
They won’t throw morals down the wayside for a crumb of attention or betray you to get ahead in life. You keep telling yourself that hope remains, though deep down you know it’s not certain.
“Thanks, man. They just wouldn’t leave me alone. Isn’t it weird that people try to latch themselves to you when you’re rich? What did they expect? Did they think I’d shower them in money for giving me attention like that? Oh. Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself. I haven’t introduced myself yet, have I? I’m Luke. It’s nice to meet you, □□□□□□.”
… Y̶͍̳̰̞̲̼̯̋͐̇̉̉̀͋́͗̓͋̎̕eah̵̪͚̫̠̩̐͊͑̅̄̒̏̈́̾̎͘͜. No prö̶̹̲̬́̈͛̌̇̈́̔blem̵͕̦̦̠̦̤͌̑͋̔͗̉͂̾̀̀̇͂͘.
Then you realize that it can be much worse up there. At least high schoolers are all just dumb kids who don’t know much better. Up there, people scheme, and they’re good at it.
Morals aren’t guidelines; they’re weapons. They bludgeon you over the head to get what they want. The louder ones among them gather and take charge. The quieter ones stay quiet even under oppression, or play along with their plans.
“Two-faced animals, all of them. And to think they were trying to suck up to me just a few years ago. Now they’re spreading all sorts of rubbish about us. Do they think we’d play their stupid mind games? Let’s forget all our sorrows for the night and indulge in brotherly bonding! What? That’s not gay shit, dude, it’s brotherhood! Now, did you watch that anime I recommended? I told you Cove Geese would be sick. Oh, good luck on your job interview, by the way. Online teachers are always in demand, so I’m sure they’ll let you through.”
I h̶̢̹͙̮̀̓op̷̧̳̫͇̑͛̒̏͆̎̓̀̍̆̎̚e sọ̸͇̫̮̦̳͎͎͑͒̑̈͑͆̏̈́̄͜͜ͅ.
But you think to yourself that it’ll all be fine. Get out of academia and into the real world, and things will surely be different then—another self-directed gaslighting attempt to temporarily soothe the aching soul with a lie. You’d make up all sorts of reasons to make sense of it. Tell yourself that it’s all because people have built up a social hierarchy in schools, and that’s why they constantly try to pull each other down. You convince yourself it’ll be different in the workplace, failing to see that social hierarchies exist everywhere.
“Are you the new trainee? Welcome! I’ll be the one in charge of your training. I’m… Hm? Hey, do I recognize you from somewhere? Oh! Do you still remember me? Remember, we dated in high school! I look different now? Of course I do! You probably didn’t recognize me at first, huh? Um… Sorry about back then, okay? I was still young and… um, yeah. Here, take your seat. Let’s get started. The office? Yeah, most of us are women here. Feeling a little intimidated?~ Don’t worry. I’ll let the girls know you’re harmless.”
I̴̳̘̝̹̼͍̱̭̾͜ ̸̧͇̥̣͉̰̟̮̬̳̬̭́ͅͅĆ̸̰̩̬̱̈́̆̑͌̂̾̈́Ą̵̧̳͇̹̯̻̫̎̀̓̇͌̅̍N̶̻͈͈͂͋̈͛̊͂̕͠'̵̨̦̙͂̏̎̉T̸̘͙̖̙̝̠̳͙̍ ̵̠̃̆͛͂̂̽́̅͛T̷̢̖͉͍̙̫̫̩̫̺͌̀̄́̈́̉̄̿̎̊̃͠Á̶̠̩̪̩̤̱̻̱̮̻̾͌̀́̿̐̾͆͂̍̕K̸̢̡̗̼̬͔̠̦̈́͜Ę̶̺̣̘̭̈́̋ ̷͎͖̹̫̻̻͚͕͚̬̑͛͑͋͊̈̉͂̒̏͝T̸̛͔̝̤̄̍̀̾Ḩ̵̛̜͍̬̣̗̺͈͔̹͉̈́̇̄͋̊̋̐̆̐͋͊̕̕͠I̵̧̛͉̱̤͖͑̅̈́̀͒̎̃̏́̕͝͝S̶̲͈̠̟̠̟̥̜̖͑̋̔̋̋̎̋̓́̽̈̉̕̕ ̷̨̨̧͎͔̬͖̫̪̹̟̥̥̮̈͠Ã̴̧͎̞̫͇̅̈́̈̐̾́̅̕ͅN̶̡̢̡̧̛̮͎͉̭̗̲̟̗̫̈́̓̆Y̴̢̡̫̣̰̱̲̜̝̞͍͇̙̾̔̉͗̆̌͌͑̔̋̅̚M̷̪͐̂̔̈́̇͒̓̀̐̔̿͒Ơ̸̠̼͇̗̰̭̥͚̮̓̑͒͆̈́͘͝R̶͔͉̯̤͈̝̹̦͈̊Ẽ̶͈̗͓̒̃͑̍̓͘͝!̵̡̛͖͉̘̪̮͚̗̳̪͔̰̘͊̓̂͆̾̈́͘ͅ
Little by little, what few ounces of confidence you have left drain away. Reality finally seeps in, and it’s not something you can bear to swallow. That, as long as things continue like this, you’ll just keep hurting and hurting. Nothing truly gets better when you’ve fallen too far below, and for too long.
People’s impressions of you are hard to erase, after all. Sometimes, you’ll have no control over how they see you. Sometimes, it’s other people who do.
When you’ve been put down enough times, you’ll eventually reach that point when you don’t want to get back up… and you become a NEET.
“That fucking two-faced smear artist. It’s a good thing you left that job when you did, man. I’m… glad you picked up the call. I was getting worried, since you closed everyone off for months. Maybe I should be more forceful in getting you to answer me next time? Haha. No? Too bad, I’ll do it anyway~”
..̸̨̻͖̦̭͔̙̬̬̉͐̔́͊̃͛̕.
Depression is common among NEETs. A lack of purpose, coupled with a lack of self-esteem and the absence of drive, pushes people to apathy when they’re not drowning in self-hatred and misery. But with enough sunlight acting as a disinfectant to the classic shut-in syndrome, and the right people to help keep bad thoughts away, staying a NEET can serve somebody for the better, by giving them time to recuperate mentally and emotionally.
“That bar we went to last night was pretty good, huh? Really chill. I loved the old classic aesthetic, coupled with the jazz playing in the background. The snacks and drinks were ass, but they really put a lot of soul into designing the place. I’ll send a pic of the place later to Ori and the boys. Show them what it looks like outside their caves.”
… You dȉ̶̧̼͆͋͆͘dn’t have to pay fo̴̢̢̳̽͛̂̋͛̕͝͝r me.
“Agh, don’t worry so much about it, man. It’s not like I’ll be running out of money anytime soon, haha! Oh, and speaking of money, that game you wanted to check out is on sale. If you want to buy it, better go get it quick. The sale will be off by midnight tonight.”
Ah… Da̷̛͖̩̩̗̯̰̜͙͕͉̜͚͂͋͑͊̉̂̓̌̿̿͛͆͝rk Worl̷̠̬̞̫̥͙̜̓͛͌̈͛̕͜ds.
Gradually, as you recover, you’ll want control of your life back, step by step.
You’ll tweak your habits: sleep earlier, rise sooner, and keep your space tidy.
You’ll begin exploring, discovering new joys
You’ll want… to make a better story for yourself.
“Oh no. My pawn’s down. Did he step on a trap? I’ll have someone go save him. He can’t die here. He has a child waiting for him back home.”
“Shit. They’re coming. Can I get him out in time? No, they’re moving too fast. No, no, no. I can’t let it end here for him. What if?...”
“Reinforcements have arrived. Thank god. The injury doesn’t seem too bad either. He’ll be able to walk, though barely. I’m just glad things went well in the end.”
“Hm? What’s that t̶͈̲͔͚̳̰̯́̓̒͒̽̓̓̇̐̕͝ͅe̵̡͔͔̺̦͕͎̼̰̙͉̦̹̮͐̂͛̃̀̊͝ñ̷̻͍̎̓̔͠taclę̶̡͔̺̺̟̟͉͓̻̑͆̈͒̽̐͑ͅ doing there on the screen—”
Zzzzt!
“Agh! The power went out, and I hadn’t saved yet! What shitty timing.”
“Hm? It should still be the middle of the afternoon. Why does it seem so dark out?”
T̷̢̜̭̙̯̙͖̰̾̐̎̀̌ͅh̷̢̤̜̯͈̘͇̙͓̦͋̑̏̓̓̀͌͗͋̇͑͂̒̕̕ả̵̡̮̖̟̤͔̀͊͗͆̔̈͘ţ̴̨̧͙̜̯̙̘̘͕̫̊̇̋͂̐̚̚͝ ̶̨͚̥͚̟̒̒́̍̀͗̈́̈̿̒̽ṽ̵̡͚̯͕͎̜͔̣̝̭͎̔̃̀̋̏̽̉̈́̔̕̚͠ǫ̴̨̨̛̬̣̞̠̱͉͇̖̩̻͑͑͛͊͗̅ͅḭ̵̭̯̺͕̭̭̐́̿̐̊̅͝c̶̢̩͓̺̦̣̟̩͂́͗͑̇̒̔̎̃̉̉͝e̸̱͈̬̩͊̈́̂.̴͓̏͊̀͋̾̈́͗̓́͑.̴̨̧̛͕̳̺̺̝͖̑͗̉̍̀̾̕͝ͅ.̸̖̯͗ ̷̳͎͓̥͕̄̂͆̀͌́̀͛̅̋̎͝M̵̖̞̗͉̯̼͔̜̖͎̮̙̘͙̰͐̄̎̆͋̅̓̍͌̒ä̵̙̝̮͓̩̪́͒̇̕͝ş̶̻̗̪͑͗̀́̈́̽ţ̵̡̧̛̪̳̝̩͔̜̮̙̈́͐̋̀͗̇̇̈́͌̂̏̾͘͜ě̸̲r̷̮̲̅̈́ ̸̧͖̺̟̲̜͉͇̰͚̘͓̺͉́̉̇̈́̉͊̍̔͝Ỳ̴͈͕̈́͝v̶͍̉͒̈e̶̡͈̤̫͙͈͕̣̺̤̪͖͈̒͐͊͊̓̄̈͐̈́̓ḽ̷̡̧̡̠̘͚̘̼̜͍̪̖͖̗́l̶͍̊́?̵̢̪̹̦̻̱̇̊̈̒̀̑́̓́ ̶̢̣̠̊̏̾̔̆̿͒̏͌̆́̐͌͝I̸͚͂̈̀̀̽̋͋̉͋͘̕͝s̷͔̹̖͔̙̹̼͚̯̻̉̀̏̓̂̚ ̵̧̤̱͓̟̳͚̻̘͚̤͌̍̑͝t̷͙̦̑͋̊̾̏̅͑̆́̑̌̈́̔h̴̛̞͂̌́̀͆̔͒̀͌͘͘͝͝ͅa̷̧̢̤̲͔̲͓̬͖̗̒t̶̡̢̠̬͉̎͌́͐́̿̀͌̚͝ ̷̛̞͕͍̞̬̫̤̬̪͈̅̆̑̒̑̆͗ͅy̸̒͗̒̑̈́̎̋͑͂̐̍͘͜͝õ̶̬̣̙̱̜̗͔̩̥̫̰͓̩̏͐͛̈́́̇͐͗̈́͘u̵̼̥͎̠̱͕̮͓̫̳̮̩̔͂̕?̴̬͖̆̀͝
“Ah. Fuck. Is this sweat?”
When I woke up this morning, I found myself sweating all over. Every article of clothing was damp as hell, like I was dunked into a river while I was asleep and thrown back into my tent. Even my hair was wet and oily from sweat.
“My head hurts. And I feel really… anxious? Did I have a nightmare or something?... No, more importantly…”
I raised my arm and pressed my nose against my armpit to get a good sniff in.
Sniff. Sniff.
Sniff. Sniff.
Yup. That stinks. I need a bath.
I dropped to my knees and crawled over to my backpack in the corner of the tent. After grabbing a spare change of clothes and some toiletries, I poked my head outside—only to be greeted by the ridiculous sight of two women squaring off, foreheads almost touching. The shorter one was even up on her toes just to meet the taller one eye-to-eye.
“... Esphera. Graille. Good morning.”
Aaand, just like that, the tension between the two goddesses dissipated instantly, and the two turned toward me to greet me.
““Lord/Sir Yvell! Good morning! Did you have a pleasant sleep last night?”” (Esphera & Graille in sync)
“Ah… I guess…”
I can’t exactly tell them that I must have had a nightmare that made me sweat all over. Come to think of it, I probably shouldn’t get too close to them in case they get a whiff of my stink.
“Hm? Lord Yvell, why does your hair look so oily?”
Shit. I forgot about that.
“It was hot inside; I must have sweated in my sleep.”
Let’s change the subject.
“Are you two still fighting? I am certain I told you two to get along last night.”
““N-No! We were not fighting at all!”” (Esphera & Graille in sync)
“Right...”
Ever since last night, Esphera and Graille have been at odds.
Esphera, who apparently came to find me to consult me on a problem she said she had found Graille and me with our hands together, while I looked as pale as a ghost.
Ah. You know what? That might explain the nightmare I must have had, then. I guess I hadn’t gotten over that yet. And here I thought I was getting better already… Baby steps, I suppose.
Anyway, Esphera must’ve misunderstood Graille’s intentions and assumed she was trying to make me uncomfortable, because a feud between the two immediately sparked from there. Naturally, I had the two quit it and told them that whatever business they still had for the night could wait until the two finished cooling off. I dismissed them and ended things there.
Since they’re already at my tent this early, they must want to consult me about something.
“So, what is it, you two? Seeing as you two are here so early, I assume you must have something to say to me.”
““I will speak first!”” (Esphera & Graille in sync)
“...?” ← Esphera
“???” ← Graille
““No, I will speak first!”” (Esphera & Graille in sync)
“Grrr...” ← Esphera
“Ngh...” ← Graille
Ah. I can already feel that today’s going to be a long one.
“Oog.”
Stop picking your nose, you goddamn monkey.
