Shame

I woke up naked. Nothing is new.

I pressed my thighs together and I can still feel the taste of our connection last night and even this morning. I pulled the white blanket to cover my naked body. I turned to the person next to me and saw Cedrick sleeping peacefully. He is no longer covered by the blanket so I can clearly see his whole body as well as his standing... Length.

I swallowed. That was not standing like a hard steel because he was seeing me naked in his eyes... it was normal. His morning glory.

Both ends of my lips lifted for a smile as I thought of something. I got up and wrapped my fingers around Cedrick's erect manhood. When I started romancing him, I stared at her face, watching her reaction.

I caught the pleasure that spread over his face at the same time as he frowned. I even accelerated the descent. The man was very fond of what I am doing.

"I like your good morning language, Sherin." He was not looking at my face but at my hand who was abruptly moving up and down his penis.

I narrowed my eyes. "I have class today." I said to him while continuing to lower my hand to his manhood.

His eyes were drastically shut. "Yeah... I know... I'll take you." He said it was hard and he seemed to enjoy what I was doing.

I smiled so I tried harder. This is exactly what I decided to do with him so that he softens up to me whenever I need something. I don't have any money and I have to ask him for an allowance. I want him to insist. When he is in a good mood, he is gallant to me.

I watched Cedrick's face. I will give him a round if he wants. Just... give me what I need now. I have no fare and pocket money just in case there are sudden expenses at the university. Maybe he will give it to me. He probably knows what I mean.

I insisted the first move so I just saw myself riding at the top of Cedrick. I was breathing heavily, panting endlessly as we collided. I gave him a round of sex just like what I was planning. After we finished, I took a shower to get dressed in my uniform.

I am very grateful that he did not leave any mark on my neck or any part of my body that others can quickly see. I face the mirror while getting dressed. I held my womanhood, caressed it and felt it then looked at the reflection in the mirror. I traced its slice using my forefinger. This is what Cedrick is addicted to.

He fulfilled what he had said. he delivers me. But there was nothing there that I expected him to give me an allowance for emergency fees. My chest is heavy with anger. He didn't want to give in to me so I didn't stop either, I argued with him.

"You will only run away from me if I give you money." Cedric.

"I'm not going to run away. Where am I going? I have nowhere else to live." my reason

"You could go to the ones you were texting last night." My mouth dropped at what he said.

He is the only place to go home.

I adjusted my seat and removed the seatbelt. I retreated closer to him. "Trevor is just your blockmate. And I want to make the things clear, we are not a thing okay? He is just my classmate and I have no intention of getting into a relationship."

He laughed at my words. "And what will you use the money for? You have your packed snacks and lunch. You won't be hungry Sherin. You don't even have to grab a pocket money since I'll pick you up later." he said while holding the steering wheel.

"Why don't you want to believe me that I won't take the money anywhere. And another thing, I'm not asking for much." I argue.

"No. That's final."

I held my breath at what he said. "Do you want us to have sex here? In your car?"

"What?"

"A while ago... when I was making you happy, you offered to take me here to the university. Maybe now, when we have sex again, you'll give me what I want to happen again." My eyes were on the road but I could see his reaction using my peripheral vision.

"Are you fvcking insane?" His voice was tinged with anger and frustration.

I turned to him and stole his hand without saying anything and placed it on my womanhood. I pressed his hand against my womanhood for him to feel it more.

"Please?" I'm getting desperate.

The kiss I thought I would receive from him was the opposite of what he gave me. His ears were full of anger as he shook my hand.

"Isn't there a little bit of shame left in your body?!" It was as if my chest had been stabbed several times by what he said.

It played over and over in my ears and it felt like it was going to drown me. My tears gradually fell to the side.

He is right. Is there really no shame in my body? Am I really this desperate to get what I want? But.. I'm not asking for something big and heavy, huh? Why is it so hard for you to give it to me? My body is every substitute for what I ask for. And now, even if it's just one hundred, that's enough or even fifty. I will just reserve that for emergency fees just in case. Why is it so hard for him to give me that?

There is no shame left in my body.

I keep hearing that in my ears. It's like... this is the blood that flows and is used by my brain.

My breathing got heavier and heavier until I couldn't hold it in anymore and a single drop of my tear escaped.

I quickly got out of the car and ran away to where Cedrick was not. Where I don't hear his voice. I didn't stop walking until my feet reached the row of the waiting shed where there were long chairs.

I sat there feeling weak and like crazy dumbfounded. I held my chest where I could hear every beat of my heart. Painful tears flowed from my eyes one after another. I couldn't stop sobbing after the belittling and belittling.

I shouldn't be surprised by this. I should be used to these words. I have been preparing this for a long time. I thought for a long time that the day would come, he would underestimate me. He will trample my personality. And now, I thought at first, I can handle his words. But no matter how much preparation I do, in the end, it's still nothing, it still hurts, even twice as much.

I fantasized a lot about him, about Cedrick. That one day, he will look at me the way he looked at Elise. He will talk to me and laugh like he did with Elise. But no, eh. That is unlikely to happen.

Why did I expect? He only picked me up out of pity and later, lusted after me.

This is a sufficient answer to the long-standing question that has been etched in my mind. This is where I should stop everything, including perhaps the beating of my innocent heart with him.

This is where it all ends. Nope. I can't love him more unless he learns to love me. Cedrick is tough. It's too high. And he never suited me. Who am I? I can't be proud of him.

"As a second year college taking Political Science, for me, this college course focuses on the theory and practice of government and politics at the local, state, national, and international levels. We are dedicated to developing understandings of institutions, practices, and relations that constitute public life and modes of inquiry that promote citizenship." The whole class applauded after Trevor recited.

"Good answer, Mr. Cervantes," replied our professor.

I was smiling at him teasingly. Our professor praised him again. It's just fun. If earlier, I would cry because of Cedrick... Now, it almost hurt.

My stomach is laughing because of Trevor. While waiting for our professor, he was constantly talking to me and making fun of me.

I thought he was only nice on social media because that's social media, he has to pretend. But no, I was wrong, while I was talking to him, the weight in my chest gradually disappeared. I forget Cedrick's low opinion of me earlier.

I really like this guy. I noticed that I often laugh and smile with joy in my chest every time I talk to him.

"Sherin come on, answer it." Trevor's voice was challenging again. That's some logic. He is full of nonsense.

I pretended to look at him in disgust. "What again!?" I should be angry but I laughed at his reaction.

"Besides the reason that the teacher's panties are wet, that's why they are absent... What do you think is the other reason?" I shook my head at his question. His logics are full of wit. My brain is always green every time he asks.

"Because their husbands kept them up every night." I answered him and looked away because I thought my answer was correct.

He burst out laughing. "Great! You're great Sherin. Do we have the same brain?" He pretended to be amazing.

I elbowed him. "Stop it. I'm going to blow it up your mouth." I put my fist in his mouth.

"It's different if you threaten attorney. So I'm yours, eh!" I was stunned by what he said and stared at his face. Until, minutes passed, I couldn't speak but the smile was slowly carving my lips. He said attorney? He called me as an attorney.

It was so overwhelming to hear. I don't know, it always makes me feel that there is still something special left in me. That in his eyes I am always the best. Trevor was the one who made me smile again, with joy overflowing in my chest.

But I thought maybe... he could say this because he doesn't know me completely. He doesn't know where I get the money I spend on my education. He doesn't know who the food I eat comes from, the house I live in.

So... it's not unlikely that in the long run... when we get to know each other thoroughly... he will be like Cedrick too. My ears will also tingle from the pain of his words. My eyes will also tear from the sadness and pain he is giving.

I held my breath while holding my bag. I looked into the distance as I waited, sitting in the roofless waiting shed. I just finished class and went home, it's already getting dark. I glanced at my watch and it was only six o'clock, Cedrick was not late. Because he told me earlier... he will pick me up.

"Sherin!" I looked to my side and saw that it was from Trevor. He is smiling at me and is now walking closer.

"Hmm?" I just raised my eyebrows at him, waiting for him to say something.

"Do you have something to pick up? I'll bring it to you," He stopped in front of me.

I gave him a smile. "Don't stop. Someone will pick me up." I answer.

"Really? Who?" I laughed while shaking my head because he didn't believe it yet. Does he really want to take me?

"My cousin." I reply. That was the ace that Cedrick used when he introduced me to Elise. I think we should use it to all the people around us. So I can also say that somehow that man still feels pity for me. He didn't spread the word that I was just a paid woman in his mansion.

Trevor smiled at me but there's something in there. "Are you sure? If you don't come call me, huh? I'll take it to you." He offered.

"Yes." I answered even though the truth is that I don't have a cellphone. I can't use anything to call him.