Chapter 10

"What was that fucking shit?" My friend asks once the jet takes off. I look at him blankly. "How the hell could you replace Hamann so soon?" He attacks me, he looks at my son almost with distaste. His way of talking to me does not hurt me as much as his look for my son.

"I will allow you to attack me as much as you want," I look at him with tears in my eyes, I know that everyone will react like this and if it is to be their enemy to protect my son I will. My heart races in a second, “but I will not allow you to look at my son in that contemptuous way with which you have looked at him, with my son no one is going to interfere, no one. Do you understand?” My chest rises and falls due to the force with which I breathe.

"That was not my intention," he settles into his position somewhat uncomfortable, “it's just that damn Marilí ... The first week you arrived in Italy you called us all and after that week you disappeared, you did not dare to send a message at least. Now I come here and I see you with new friends, a damn husband and a son?” He shouts the last part.

With my very hurt heart, I look at him with disappointment, “what did you guys want? That would I take a lifetime crying for Hamann, for my mother and what they kept from me? Well, no Randon, life is a son of a bitch and if you don't follow it, it drags you without caring about anything. I wasn't going to let myself die, I couldn't do it,” I glare at him this time.

"Why?" He asks, dislodging me, “why did you stop calling and texting?"

Swallowing and feeling my heart hit my rib cage, I sigh, “out of shame," I look out the window at the darkness. "Out of shame is the reason I didn't call or communicate with you. It hurts me not to be surrounded by the people I love, but what I felt did not allow me to do so,” I look at him, “let's leave the topic please, I don't want to continue.” Getting up from my seat, I take my baby in my arms to go to bed, sleep is the best thing I can do to calm all these feelings that I have and take strength to face how many I will to defend my son. The world is shit, everyone judges and attacks without thinking about things, my friends and family will be no exception.

The trip was quick and pretty quiet, my son gets used to the luxuries fast, the bed smelled like BOSS, smelled like that idiot. It smelled like Kahin, but still I slept like a baby.

"I'll help you with the child," Randon offers, I look at him with some distrust, "Marilí I'm sorry to have looked at him that way, I swear it wasn't my intention, he's your son and I'm clearly going to love him even more than you. You know that I would never look at a baby that way, even if it was not yours.”

Convinced that he is telling the truth I accept, “let me put the seat in the car,” I hand the baby to him and place the seat in the car, I smile when I see my friend’s car, “that seat gives a unique detail to the car, right?” My friend looks at me scandalized, taking my son, I put him in the car.

"I don't see the fun of it," he goes to the driver’s side and I sit in the passenger seat.

"Okay, I won't bother you anymore," I look at him, “did you always leave the doubt?" My friend looks at me askance once we leave the Tocumen airport behind.

"What are you talking about?" His tone tells me that he really doesn't know what I mean.

"That you liked men," I put on some music, I want to forget about the nerves.

"No, it's like I told you, I was just confused, it's just that I like to see them and that's it, I would never change a vagina and a female anal cavity for a man's ass," he laughs.

“What” Don't talk like that in the presence of my son.”

My friend looks in the rear view mirror, “he’s very small, he doesn't know anything,” I turn around and see my baby sleeping, “I behaves very well, he slept most of the trip and look at him, he's as if he hadn't slept in hours.”

I smile, in love with my brown, “he cheats on anyone, the truth is, I don't know why he's been sleeping so much,” I sigh, “when you'll know his temperament, you won't say the same,” the silence is present and with it my nerves, seeing the streets where I used to be, seeing the places that I used to appreciate and knowing where I am going only makes me feel stronger.

"They are waiting for us for breakfast," I look at the time right away, it's 8 am, “ I called them when we landed.”

I look at him somewhat annoyed, "I didn't want anyone to know that I was coming Randon," I yell at him, "fuck ... I didn't want anyone to know," my friend looks at me out of place.

"How were you going to make no one see you?" His question is fair, but I don't want to think of the possibilities.

"That shouldn't matter to you, I didn't want anyone to know about my return and that's all, damn it," my son's crying makes me more nervous.

“You woke him up with your screams,” he parks the car in front of mom's house, my heart remains a little more for it to jump out of my chest in order to have a bigger space to beat, the nausea is overwhelming and the nerves spread all the other symptoms for the pressure I feel to reconnect with the people I left months ago at the airport.

I get out of the car and I hurry to get my son out, feeling myself calm down immediately, ready to go in, I look at Randon, “who are they?" I ask fearfully.

"Easy, everyone is here except Hamann and Malcolm, they don't know you're still here."

I bite my lip, “but there is the fool and we know that he tells Hamann everything."

My friend snorts, "Precious, someday he's going to find out you're here. But don't you think that if he didn't want to look for you in Italy, he won't want to look for you here either?" That question hit me right in my heart, it hit me so hard that I feel like it stops and miss two heartbeats.

Changing my expression to not show my pain, I say, “you're all right," taking courage for what is coming, I sighed and knocked on the door.

"Ma ..." the door opened and my friend is left with her mouth open when she sees my son, my heart is going to leave my chest, now I have no doubts, my guts are going to come out when I vomit.

"What's wrong?" My aunt Lourdes is just as stunned.

"But hey, no one is going to finish their sentences," my mother makes her way until she is in front of me. This time, my heart breaks into thousands of pieces when I see her state, her pale skin, dark and very marked dark circles, her hair gathered in a disheveled tail, her extreme thinness and her eyes that although they want to pretend joy only denote infinite sadness. Giving my son to Randon, I look at my mother without being able to hold back my tears, I throw myself into her arms, but it is not for her to take refuge in me, it is for me to take refuge in her, I needed her more than I thought. I feel my mother's thin arms surround me in a weak hug that she forces herself to make stronger.

“Forgive me, forgive me for having left you alone,” my mother's silent sobs hurt me more, “I shouldn't have left you, not when you asked me to,” my mother takes me away from her a bit, seeing her cry breaks my soul.

"I have nothing to forgive, now you are here with me, you came before I died, it was the only thing I wanted and you have done it."

Whining uncontrollably, I shake my head, “you are not going to die, I am not going to allow it,” I hug her again, “now you have two reasons to be alive,” I approach Randon and taking my baby in my arms I show him to her, “this is your grandson and he will need a grandmother who pampers and supports him in all his antics.”

My mother covers her mouth with her hands when she sees my baby who looks at her with piercing eyes, "daughter," my mother looks at me in surprise, swallowing the lump in her throat.

“I just want you to enjoy him and don't say anything,” when looking at my friend and aunt they look at me the same way that mom looked at me, “just don't say anything,” the three of them look at each other and nod.