Chapter 17

Elijah looked at me as I sat on the bed. He decided that he was going to sit in the armchair in the middle of the room. We sat there in silence for what felt like a lifetime.

Elijah finally breaks the silence. “Are you ready to talk about it? Or are we going to sit in silence for the rest of the night?”

I contemplate telling him what is going through my head, but I honestly have no idea how I am going to put all of my thoughts into words. “How do the Elders get to decide that my trauma will prevent me from being a good Alpha? How does the fact that I have a fucking vagina mean that I would not be as good as Michael or you?”

Elijah sits in silence for a moment, contemplating his words, before responding. “It does not determine how good of an Alpha you will be. You are not your trauma. Your trauma does not define you. It does not determine what you get to do with your life. I can already see that you are going to be one hell of an Alpha. Plus, I do not like the idea of me being thrown into the role of Alpha. I like my fun. I like my pranks. And I love to get under dad’s skin. If I became Alpha, then I would have to chill out on my way, and we both know I am not going to stop anytime soon.”

I laughed at Elijah. He is right; he enjoys his fun way too much and he loves to piss dad off just for the hell of it.

‘Kat, you know he is right. We are stronger than what your trauma is. We are true Alpha female. We can and we will do this. Fuck the Elders. Fuck what they think. The only thing that matters is how we feel and how we think. We may not be a man, but they can suck our nonexistent dick. We may not be a King, but we will be a damn Queen.’ Skye remarked.

“Do you think they will try to make me find a mate and make him Alpha instead of me?” I asked Eli.

He laughed, “I can only imagine someone trying to force you to do something that you do not want to do, sis. You are strong and you do not need a man to stand by your side. If your mate comes along, then that is great, but you do not have to let your mate become Alpha and you Luna.”

“Can I tell you something with zero judgement?” I hesitantly asked.

“Of course. You can ask me anything. I might judge you, but at least you will know I am judging you with an honest opinion.”

“I do not want a mate. If I meet my fated mate, then I am going to reject him. I do not need a man. Men only take from you. I cannot trust a man. I do not want to trust a man. And I absolutely do not want a mate. Skye and I never disagree about anything. We are usually perfectly in sync, but she wants her mate. She wants the Goddess to be given a mate that was meant for her, but I do not. I will reject him, even if it kills us. I am hoping that I honestly never find him, so I do not have to deal with Skye’s heartbreak. Skye is eager for my 17th birthday. She is repeatedly telling me that she can sense that our mate is nearby, but I honestly do not care. I do not want him.” I finished in a rush.

Elijah looked at me sympathetically. “Kataleya, you cannot let what those scumbags did to you ruin your perception of all men. We are not all like that. Your mate is destined to love you, to protect you, to nurture your hopes and dreams, and above all, he is your other half. How can you reject something like that? I will always stand by your decisions, sis, but I do not know if I can stand by and watch you destroy something that could be the best thing for you. What if your mate happened to Oliver? Have you considered what would happen to him if you rejected him? Newsflash sis! The boy is in love with you. You are the only one that is too blind to see it. Are you really willing to hurt your best friend because you are scared?”

I could visibly see that Elijah was getting pissed off. He started to shake, and he was raising his voice at me. I never considered the possibility that Oliver was my mate. The thought never crossed my mind. Would I be able to reject him? I do not want to hurt him, but I do not want anyone. I never have, at least not since I was attacked, and I cannot see myself starting now, even if it was Ollie. Maybe instead of rejecting the bond, we could decide to just let it fester. What the fuck am I even thinking? I know Ollie is not my mate. There is no way that he is my mate. And I knew he loved me, but it was just a crush. His feelings for me have gone away. Right? He was even talking to one of the she-wolves from a neighboring pack.

I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours. Elijah did not say one word, he let me think in silence. When I finally looked over at him, I realized that Elijah had fallen asleep in my armchair and that is why he was so silent. I got up and went to my closet and pulled a blanket out and draped it over my brother. I climbed back on my bed and lay there, continuing to contemplate what I would do if Ollie was my mate. Would it really be so bad to accept my mate?

‘No, Kat, it would not be bad to accept our mate. Our mate is meant to love us and cherish us. Plus, you never know, he may be able to help us overcome our trauma. It is time that you admit that you are not over it. You just hide your pain and there is only so long that you can continue to hide your pain. You have people that love you. People that care about you. It is about time you saw that and stopped trying to hide. I will admit the Elders were kind of right about one thing. You let your trauma run through you, which can hinder you as an Alpha. I hope we find our mate and I will do everything I can to convince you not to reject our mate. I want to at least give it a try. You do not need to accept him immediately, just try. For me. Please?’

I can hear the sadness in Skye’s voice. I knew that she wanted her fated mate and I did not want to hurt her, but the fact is, I am scared. How can I bring someone in when I cannot get over the constant nightmares? The fear that I have when I am around males? And Goddess forbid, what if my mate is some type of macho asshole who thinks he can control me?

‘I can’t promise that it will be easy for me, Skye, but for you I will try. It would be hard for me to accept anyone, even if it was Oliver. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life, but I know that you want your fate and it would not be fair of me to take away your chance of happiness. I will try to wait before rejecting our fate. I will try to give whoever he is a chance, even if it kills me.’ I finally said. Skye and I always agreed, except when it came to a fated mate. I used to want my fated mate. The thought of having someone that would love me, just like my dad loved my mom, excited me. Until that day. That was the day that I realized men were assholes. I was violated. Abused. Broken. The Goddess only knows what would have happened to me if Michael and Oliver had not shown up when they did. With those thoughts, I was finally able to succumb to the darkness.