THIRTEEN

MAGGIE's POV

I fixed myself to look for Blaze. I don't care if he pushes me as long as I can tell him what I want to say. I couldn't sleep all night thinking and wait for him. Last night when he left I called him but his cellphone was turned off. I don't want to call his friends because for sure they will just judge me.

It’s not them I want to talk to but Blaze. I knew I was guilty because I kept it a secret. But I just found out recently that our marriage was fake. I have no idea because Miles took care of everything since betting is the main reason for the marriage so I left it to her.

I called Miles last night and she cried and cried and apologized. I feel her sincere apology. We both didn't know that I would fall for Blaze. That I will learn to love him.

I found out our marriage was fake when I told Miles that I would no longer continue taking Paloma and that I would return it to her. When I told her that I wanted Blaze and me to get married, she said that our marriage was fake. She faked our marriage so that when I wanted to leave there was no problem. But I fell in love with him.

I wanted to tell Blaze the truth the day I found out but I was afraid of what he might think. I was afraid he might get mad at me. I was overcome with love and fear so I was not able to tell him the truth.

I accept the deal with Miles because I know that I will never fall for Blaze. The Paloma is important to me. In Paloma, I had happy memories of my youth that my family was still complete. My birthday, Margot's birthday, and special occasions are at Paloma we celebrate. Even when daddy left us mommy always took us there.

I feel the place belongs to me. When I am there my happy memories come back. It’s just that I feel the real joy that I can’t find anywhere and with anyone. When mom dies, I feel I am alone. I feel so helpless but when I'm in Paloma I feel I have all the strength to live. All bait, regrets, hatred, and stress are gone.

Mom told me to be strong. When she was alive she always told me that I don't need anyone to be whole. Your happiness should not be dependent on others. Mom told me that no one else can really make you happy. True happiness is in yourself alone. And I followed that because that's what was planted in my mind.

Especially when I saw how she was hurt badly by daddy’s departure. I promise myself that I will never be like her. Even if everyone leaves me it's nothing to mourn as mommy does. I will stand on my own. I will treat everyone as a thing that has just passed through life and will also disappear. Because I don’t want to go through what mommy went through. I saw her fall and I don't want that to happen to me because I might not be able to handle it.

I lived with no one else to believe in but I and I didn’t need other people as mommy said. Until Dylan became my first boyfriend. And like Mommy, Dylan said the same thought. It is your fault when you are hurt. Because you let other people hurt you. It’s your fault when you become a loser because you didn’t fight back. It is not wrong to be kind but it is a sin to be weak. So when you are hurt there is no one else to blame, only you and not the others.

I met Khairo, my next boyfriend after Dylan. To make it short, he is different from everyone else. And because of him, I believe the fun is more real when with someone. I give him my world. I changed and became dependent on him. But I found out that he was married and that I am a mistress.

My life fell. I feel like I want to die. I suffered emotional stress, I was hurting myself and I was losing myself. I can't understand everything but only my pain and I thought I would never be able to recover.

When I recover, I go back to where I used to be, which is even worse, and I promise myself that I will never love again. I will live on my own. I will never experience the pain I have experienced so many times. Because by chance, I might be able to handle it.

Until Blaze came. I really just did that for Paloma. I offer him myself as compensation because I got the Paloma. I had no intention of falling for him even though we were married. But I didn’t know I was going to fall for him. He was the only one who saw how I really felt. Even Khairo before never said he was worried about me. Never talk about my emotion.

Blaze made me realize that there is nothing wrong with gambling on love. Blaze made me feel like he loved me. We just promised and he wouldn’t leave me. So I trusted because I felt that Blaze and I really loved each other. I returned to Paloma only to find out that our wedding is fake.

"Hi," I greeted everyone in the office. Everyone is there but Blaze is not. No one answered me but I don't care. I just came here for Blaze not for them.

"I can't blame you if you judge me and I also don't care what you think of me. I just came here to check Blaze."

"No one knows," Phoenix said.

"Of all people, Maggie, why Blaze?" Jace said. "You chose the wrong toy."

"I won't say sorry or explain myself. I came here so I could talk and explain to him my side and not to you."

"Good luck!" Zeus said.

"Dane, I am sorry." I looked at Dane.

"Miles called me and explained everything," Dane said. “I called Blaze and told him what Miles said but he didn’t seem to care.

"Where is he?"

"Let it go first, Mags. Let him calm down. For sure he will go home," she added.

"Our friend loves you and we feel that too," Jace said.

I could do nothing but leave the office. I'll just look for Blaze and maybe I can find him somewhere.

I am the coffee shop. Thinking about what happened. I can’t blame Blaze if he leaves me. If he leaves my life. I will just accept it. But what I want is for me to be able to explain. Tell him what I want to say before we part properly. I just want to explain everything to him. I don’t want to have thoughts that I can’t tell him. I want to express everything so that I have no regrets.

I don't want to repeat what happened to my mommy and me. The night before she dies I had a fight with her. I blamed her for why daddy left us. I said I hated her. I blamed her because she was always fighting with daddy so dad left.

The next day at school is Mother's day. Our teacher explains the mother's role. The importance of being a mother. That day I had a lot of realization and said to myself I will ask for forgiveness from mom for whatever I said. I brought flowers and a card for her. But when I got home she was dead.

A big regret in my life is that I didn’t apologize to her. Why I didn’t tell her was everything I wanted to say. And I don’t want to lose Blaze to me that I can’t tell him everything I want to say.

"Ow, thanks dad, you're the best."

"You're welcome. Everything for you." I automatically turned away when I heard that voice. I can't be wrong that it was him. I stood up and approached them. He was surprised to see me. Even her two children looked at me.

"Maggie?"

"Aunt Celia?" aunt Celia is my mom's friend mommy used to be jealous of me. But why is it that her daughter is the same age as Margot and I?

"Who is she?" asked a woman about my age.

"Celia," Daddy stood up and motioned to Aunt Celia. She left with two children.

"Dad, what does that mean? Who are they?"

"They are my family. You need to know the truth, Maggie."

"What?"

"Celia and I are the real couples before I marry your mom. Your mommy just fooled me. I never love your mom."

"That's not true, dad."

"That's the truth. They are my family and I love them."

"Did you love Margot and me?" I asked. Dad look at me until I heard the saddest words that every child doesn't want to hear from their parents.

"I have no choice but to say yes, both of you are my --- unwanted child. Your mom always makes the move. She's the only one who wants to have children."

"I hate you,"

"I am sorry, Maggie, I am truly happy with my new family that I can call my real family."

"And you left us? We're your children too."

"I give all my shares, the money I have for the future of you and Margot."

"And do you think we need your money?"

"For future yes. That's all I can give you."

"I regret that you are my father. I wish you all would die."

And I left the coffee shop.

I went home I'm in so much pain now. I don't know what to do and I need Blaze with me. Even if he has nothing to do or say. He just hugs me it's ok with me.

After all these years I thought it was mommy's fault why daddy left us. That's why she got addicted to alcohol to escape the pain that daddy gave him. Daddy had another family back then. Adding to my regrets were the many things I said that would hurt mommy before she died.

I heard the sound of a car. I quickly stood up and greeted Blaze. He went home. He came home with me.

"Blaze." I hugged him but he just removed my hand. He went to the bedroom and took a bag then put on the clothes. "Blaze what are you doing?"

"This game is over and congrats you win. I will leave."

"Blaze, let's talk."

"We don't have anything to talk about anymore, everything is clear to me."

"Please hear my side, Blaze."

"I don't want to hear anything from you."

"Don't leave. Don't leave me. I beg you not to leave me."

"Let me go while my mind is still ok." Then he turned to me. "Because you won't like what I will do to you."

"Let me explain, please." He lowered the bag and held my arm tightly.

"What are you going to explain to me, that you're a liar, you're manipulative, you're selfish, an attention seeker, don't want to lose? Then, I know all of that. This fucking lie is over, Maggie. Let's end this fucking nonsense."

"Blaze, sorry."

"You're a cheater, you're a liar, how sure I am that you were really a virgin when I got you, maybe you just had surgery to pretend you're a virgin and let me believe you." I slap him hard but he doesn't move.

"Blaze, I'm sorry, I didn't ---" But he averted his face when I was about to touch him. "I love you, I love you, true love. I'm not like that, Blaze, yes I was wrong but I won't use myself and pretend to be a virgin just to get what I want. I gave you my purity because I trusted you."

"I don't care what you're saying anymore."

"Blaze, please believe me. I love you."

"You don't love me, Maggie, you just found a toy and you fooled me." He grabbed his bag and left but I chased him until we got down.

"No, Blaze, that's not true. You promised you wouldn't leave me." I blocked his path and grabbed the door. "Please I need you tonight."

"Move, Maggie." But instead of following, I knelt down and hugged his leg, and continued to cry.

"I need you, please, please, just now. Just now Blaze. Please stay with me."

"Let me go if you don't want me to kick you."

"No, I don't want to, please stay with me tonight. Just now, even just tonight, tomorrow it's ok for me if you leave. I need you tonight. Please."

"Get out of my way, Maggie. If you don't want me to hit you so I can get through."

"I saw my dad." I did not hear anything from him. "He said he didn't love my mom so he left us. He said he doesn't love us. He doesn't care about our feelings. Blaze, all I know, is not true. All the fun back then was pure lies. I'm hurt by everything I found out. I need you now."

He knelt down and held me by the shoulder.

"You deserve it." I can't believe what he said.

"Blaze,"

"Feel what I feel, because that's how I feel now because of your lies."

"Marriage is just not true to us, Blaze, but my love for you is true."

"You don't know how to love, Maggie, you only appreciate what those people that you can make fool of. That you can use."

"That's not true, I love you, I really love you."

"A selfish like you doesn't know how to love and you are not deserving to receive love." I cried while staring at him.

"Don't leave me, just now please, I'll give you your freedom, just stay with me tonight. Please help me even now because I'm confused and I don't know what to do. I am afraid to be alone tonight."

"You deserve to be alone. You deserve to be alone in life." He forcefully removes my hand and stands up.

"Do not leave me." I tried to hold on to his foot but he just tried to remove it. He was also using force on me and because he was stronger I did nothing. He grabbed me by both wrists as he finally removed my hand.

"Take this house as the price of your virginity. I don't care about this house anymore. I don't care about you anymore." He threw me away so I fell to the floor but I still tried to crawl to chase him while I continued to cry.

"Blaze!" He opened the door. "Blaze, When you're gone I don't know what to do."

"Do whatever you want. Continue manipulating people because that's what you are. Goodbye Maggie, see you in hell."

"Blaze!"

He slammed the door close and all I did was cry. While hunched over holding on to the door.

Mom is right, it’s not true that someone is willing to stay and understand me. Love is not real and it is not true that anyone will love me but myself.

I shouldn't expect anything from other people. All promises are untrue. They only love you when they want and you are good. But when you make a mistake you are no longer loved. People always saw your mistakes. With a hundred goodness you do when you make a mistake once all you did well no longer matters.

Mommy is right, you shouldn’t trust to not get hurt. Dylan is right, you are a fool if you let others hurt you. I'm a fool because I believe someone will love me and I won't be hurt.

I am alone again. I don't have anyone with me anymore. I have no ally anymore. I was alone again, and this time it was even more painful than my previous loneliness.

I feel my body numb and darkness covers me. I feel like I can't breathe. My chest tightens. I was dizzy and I couldn’t understand. My mind was in turmoil and I felt like I was going to die without knowing it.

I cried and laughed at the same time so I could breathe. No, I hate this feeling. The last time I feel this is when Khairo and I broke up.

'I do not want! I do not want to! I do not want!'

"FUCKK!" The last words I scream before I faint.