Chapter 35
DAVID HAD NEVER BEEN A HARD drinker and he didn't need it to stop his mind from thinking but his situation with Dawn was something beyond and he was also aware that if he wanted to stop himself from thinking about it, he'd have to get totally wasted because no matter how hard he tried, the image of her didn't leave him.
Pain and regret.
The last four days of his life had been filled with nothing but pain, regret, heartache, and exhaustion.
After his failed attempts of standing outside Becky's apartment and begging for a chance to sort things out with his wife, he officially gave up and diverted his energy into other things like drinking to a stupor every night.
Most times, he'd leave the house before the sun rose and return in the middle of the night. It was exhausting and the anger that he'd been carrying around was physically draining.
He missed her, he missed his wife, and having to live without her was one of the hardest challenges he'd ever been made to face and just the thought of waking up to an empty bed every morning made blood boil in his veins.
His phone vibrated in his pocket, and just as he'd done for the last four days, his hopes rose longing to see Dawn's name flash on the screen. But, of course, it wasn't; she was gone.
He gulped back the contents of his glass and answered.
"Stella"
"David is everything alright? What's going on? Where have you been?"
"I've been really busy"
"David if you're—" she paused. "— are you at a bar?"
"Shit" he murmured, oblivious to the background music that boomed into the phone.
"David the surgery is in a few days and Alex is starting to ask questions I don't have the answers to. You've consecutively canceled on seeing him and ignored your therapeutic classes. At first, I thought it was because you needed time to process everything but now, I'm honestly scared"
The phone went quiet for a moment as David closed his eyes and rubbed his face frustratingly. The last thing he wanted was for his son to see this way. He'd canceled to protect him from what he was feeling — the hate, anger, and constant feeling of regret — he was a mess and in no position to play around.
"I'm sorry, Stella"
"David," she sighed. "Are you honestly sure you're okay?"
David Ignored her question and tried to sidestep it with one of his own. "How about I make it up to Alex by spending the whole day with him tomorrow?"
"He'd love that"
"I'll see you tomorrow then"
After he hung up, he took a swing of his whiskey and felt it burn at the back of his throat.
No matter how hard he tried to limit himself to just three shots, he couldn't help but ask the bartender for more, and after several shots, he stumbled back into the house around three in the morning, stripped himself in the living room, and somehow found his way to the bed without a care in the world.
The next morning, he woke up to a swelling skull and dehydration too obvious to ignore.
He wrapped himself in the duvet, waves of nausea adding to the misery of his phone pinging with message after message, none of them from Dawn.
He raised his heavy eyelids halfway and swung his bare feet to the cold tiles and once he'd managed to force himself out of bed, the room spun.
He reached out for the wall and smacked his lips as his stomach lurched and gurgled in an unfriendly way. Perhaps some painkillers would help too but first, he needed to shower.
After a few seconds of waiting for his swirling eyesight to become stationary again, he took a brief shower and later found himself standing in front of his messy wardrobe and pile of unpressed clothes.
Dawn usually did the laundry.
"Fuck!" He cursed out loud, kicking the wardrobe door like it was the cause of his problems.
He missed her, he didn't want to admit it anymore but he missed her presence. He missed the way she lightened up the room with her glow and he could almost vividly picture her sitting by her contour table with a contagious smile that somehow made everything better.
He tightened his fists for a while before reaching for his hockey t-shirt and slipping it over his head.
Breakfast.
He hadn't taken that in days. He walked to the kitchen, opened the distorted fridge, and drew out a half-eaten ham sandwich.
He tossed it into the microwave and made himself a cup of coffee before the doorbell rang and Amanda stepped in unannounced.
"David why isn't your door locked?!" She yelled from the living room and the sound of her voice made him groan.
"I lost my keys!"
"What happened in here?" she asked, grimacing in horror as she walked through the dirt and made her way to the kitchen.
"Oh, my" a sudden gasp escaped her lips as she caught sight of her bewildered son. His eyes were dark and cloudy, his hair unkempt and beard unshaved.
David turned away but she walked up to him and turned his face to meet hers. "What happened to you, David?"
"It's nothing " he muttered, pulling away.
"No your not, I heard about Dawn, and i—"
His chest tightened at the slightest mention of her name. "I said it's nothing. I'm fine, mum" he cut off and opened the fridge and reach for a bottle of whiskey since coffee wasn't going to suffice.
He'd successfully poured himself a glass but Amanda seized it before it reached his mouth and tossed it into the sink.
"Mother!" He exclaimed.
"What's gotten into you David, I've left a thousand calls but you rejected all of them. You didn't even bother to come see your son who is very unstable and has been asking for you. You missed your therapy section and you certainly didn't go to work either"
"Why does everyone keep saying the same thing" he grunted. "Look mum, the last thing I need right now is you coming in here and scolding me like I'm a kid. I make my own decisions because I'm a fucking grown man"
"Look at you" she turned his face again, spite in her eyes. "You haven't shaved in days and your dark circles are beginning to get worse. Don't you care about Alex, how the hell do you plan on completing the surgery when you look like this!"
"Mother enough! If you don't have anything else to talk about can you just please leave!" he yelled but as a mother who was worried about her child, Amanda could see the hurt in his eyes no matter how strong he pretended to be.
She gave him a long stare before speaking more calmly. "You can talk to me, David"
"I'm perfectly fine," he insisted and walked past her to the living room.
"David" she pestered, following behind him.
He stopped and looked over his shoulder. "Go home mother, I'm fine"
"I know you're hurt but you don't have to go through this alone, I know you're trying to be strong but I'm here for you so talk to me David" she persisted and at some point, David curled his fingers into a fist.
"You want me to talk. Fine. I'll talk. Let's start with how empty I fucking feel!" He snapped, turning to look at her.
"I can't think straight, everything feels like a mess and my life is falling apart, I am nothing without my wife and it sickens me, it sickens me that she's not here, it sickens me that I have to go to bed every single night without her by my side. I am angry, enraged but I still can't help but worry about her. Is she living well? does she even eat? Is she thinking of me like I'm thinking of her? It's driving me crazy even crazier now that she is pregnant!"
She blinked with surprise. "She's pregnant?"
"Yes, she's pregnant and I— I" he took in a deep breath and sagged his shoulders.
"What did you do David?"
"I told her to get it out. I couldn't afford to lose her"
"Oh honey" she walked to his side and held him. "Never ever tell a woman to get rid of her child. You just rejected Dawn and everything she stands for and that hurts more than finding out you were being lied to"
"What was I supposed to do? It doesn't matter if I hurt her, she is going to die and it's going to be my fault"
She held his hand "David your mother made a sacrifice bringing you into the world because she knew how precious and valuable you were, she didn't give up on you even if she knew the cost. Do not compel Dawn to give up on her child." She inhaled deeply. "To a woman her child means everything, take that away and she becomes empty"
"So you want me to pretend that everything is okay and watch my wife die?"
"I want you to cling to the faith that she is strong enough to fight through this. Your wife as you know it is hard-headed and she won't give up on her child, the least you can do is either chose to be there for her or leave"
"I can't stay... I don't wanna lose her, mother, if she dies, I'll..."
"She won't"
"Mother... I-I miss her" His words choked and for the very first time he sobbed, pulling her into a hug.
"My poor baby" she brushed through his hair, letting a few drops slide down her cheek.
"I miss her so much..." He clutched her shirt and nuzzled into her neck.
"Shh... It's okay"
