Chapter 6.5 - Resolve - I Want To Live!

Just as I told my sister earlier, I decided to skip school for today. It’s not like skipping a day’s worth of school would really hurt my grades or attendance. At most, it’ll just leave an imperfect record but I can’t really say I care much about that.

The visit to the hospital was much better than expected. Although having my brother becoming my sister was a bit weird, it’s a good thing if it means saving her life.

Even so, Jia Lin’s expression never changed at all. If anything, it felt like she was disappointed that she didn’t die.

I hope this speculation of mine is wrong but it feels like my sister no longer has any intention to keep living. That’s why I want to keep my eye on her at all times.

If I am wrong, that would be a good thing but if I am right… I want to be there to stop her before she does something extreme.

Sigh…

I let out a sigh, frustrated at the situation. It just feels too hopeless… I want to go there and comfort my sister, telling her that it’s okay but…

Do I even have the right to do that?

Although I did it with the intent of her well-being, I still ignored and distanced myself away from her. Of course, being near her would probably hurt just as much but it still doesn’t deny the fact that I hurt her.

It’s too frustrating.

Even now, I still don’t know what to do… I am just so lost. How can I comfort my sister and help her?

It didn’t matter if she decided to rely on me for the rest of her life. I am smart enough and could likely land myself in a pretty high paying job, so I am confident that I could raise her, but…

“She wouldn’t want that, would she?”

Yeah, that’s right. My sister would definitely reject the idea. She rejects all forms of help from anyone around her, whether it be strangers, friends or family. I don’t know why she does this but I want to respect her decision so I didn't want to force my help on her.

I really have no idea after all…

Knock knock!

While I was contemplating, I heard a knock on the door.

“Xia Xia, it’s mom. Can I come in and have a chat?”

Ah, it’s mom and she wants to have a chat… I suppose it’s something to do with my sister.

“Okay, let me open the door, mom.”

I opened the door and watched as mom carefully entered the room, ready to speak.

“It’s about your sister.”

Just as I suspected…

“I see.”

“Remember what Doctor Lee said about your sister’s condition, right? The appointment schedule is set for this Friday.”

The appointment…

At the time, the hospital didn’t really have the equipment to find out much about big sister’s disease, so they could only really let us go with some light check-ups.

Because of that, we were told that another appointment would be scheduled with all the latest technology. It may sound excessive but I wasn’t too surprised. It’s an unheard of disease that changes a person’s gender and even seems to have some unknown miraculous healing property. Of course the government would be interested in this discovery.

“That soon?”

“Yes, it seems that the government is taking great interest in your sister’s… situation. So much so that the check-up will be fully covered… but…”

“Is there a catch?”

“No… but… wouldn’t the government try to take Jia Lin away as some test subject? Your mother is very worried here…”

…Is my mom… for real?

“Mom… this isn’t like the films… Just because the government is interested doesn’t mean that they will capture big sister and experiment on her or anything… You watched too many films.”

“But are you sure your big sister will be alright?”

Really… She worries too much.

“Yes, big sister will probably be fine…”

I want to believe that she will be fine but… honestly, I have no idea how she would react. On second thought, she probably didn’t listen to what Doctor Lee said…

I could only let out a silent sigh.

“Mom, nothing bad will happen, don’t worry. That being said, is my sister in her room?”

“Yes, your big sister was still in her room when I checked, what’s wrong?”

“Not much, I plan to help her buy some important things later, so we won’t be back until dinner.”

“That’s good. I almost forgot about that! It would be great if you can help your big sister with this stuff, Xia Xia. Make sure you teach her well, okay?”

“Yes, I will, mom… Now if that’s all, can you get out now?”

“Sure! Our Xiao Xia still needs her privacy after all~ Have fun with big sister later, alright? Mom will stop nagging now, bye!”

As she said that, I quickly closed the door in embarrassment. Seriously, how is someone like that my mom…

Sigh

I could only let out a sigh.

Well, even if mom says nothing about it, I’ll still try to get close to my sister. I still wish to repair our relationship, impossible or not…

“Now that I think about it, I don’t even know what she likes… Pfft. I really am the worst…”

Self-loathing won’t help, I guess I should take a shower and figure out what I’ll do with my sister for today.

Yeah, it would be more efficient that way…

***

Just like that, I wasted about 2 hours in the shower, mostly because I was too busy contemplating old memories.

Truthfully, the thought of suddenly hanging out with my big sister again… felt alien. To just suddenly ask her out after ignoring her for so long, it made me feel guilty and shameless.

Do I truly deserve to talk to her again? Do I deserve to be her sister?

…Does she even want to see me?

“Hah… I should stop.”

Really, blaming myself like this wouldn’t do anything at all… The best thing I could do now is to try and fix our broken relationship.

To at least make her look forward to tomorrow, that’s my goal. Our relationship is second in priority.

With that thought, I walked towards her room and knocked.

Knock! Knock!

“Uh sister? Are you asleep in there…? If not, can we talk?”

…

No reply, she isn’t really sleeping, is she? It’s 2 in the afternoon now but I suppose she would still be tired from the things that happened in the morning.

Still, I don’t really want to delay it any longer so I will just barge in. Knowing my sister, the door is probably not locked anyway…

“I’m coming in, sister…”

“Ah right, the door was never lock—”

Though I heard a strange cry from the other side, I dismissed it and opened the door to…

Be greeted with the sight of my sister laying upside down by the edge of the bed.

“...”

“A…haha… Hello, Xia…?”

“Did you fall down the bed? Are you okay?”

“A-Ah? This…? It’s fine! Nothing happened… I mean, I don’t know but… it’s fine!”

…?

Even though I was suspicious of big sister’s panic, I decided to not dwell on it and tell her why I came.

“Forget it. Sister, want to go out?”

That was a little too straightforward but I think she got the message?

“H-Huh? What do you mean… Xia?”

Or not…

“I want to go out and… have a walk with you or something, is that fine?”

…Why is it so hard to just tell her?

I could only stare unnervingly as I waited for my sister’s reaction.

“So, you want to go out for a walk… and you want me to join you, Xia?”

“Ah, yeah you can think of it like that… Is that too much?”

Fortunately, it seems like I could get the message across. Though to have her accept it… is an entirely separate matter.

I didn’t think that our relationship deteriorated to that extent but there is still a high chance that she may reject it. Although it is something that has to be done, it is better to see her be okay with coming instead of forcing her with me.

“Not really, can’t sleep, so going out seems like a good idea. Thanks, Xia.”

Thankfully, big sister readily agreed without any complaints.

“Ah…! I-I’ll go and get ready soon, w-wait for me, big sis!”

“Eh? I won’t be that fast, you know… Take your time, Xia—”

Although I couldn’t fully hear what my big sister said, I quickly ran to my room to change into suitable clothing.

‘I can still repair our relationship…!’

I kept repeating that line in my head like an excited puppy and tried to find the most suitable clothes for our outing.

Never again…

I won’t abandon her like that time… I’ve learnt from my mistakes.

This time, it won’t be the same.

***

We ended up going out at around 5pm… all because I had to force my sister to wash up.

Seriously, what kind of person would go out in their sleepwear? It didn’t really feel good to scold her like that but she should at least act human…

“Say, Xia, you wanted to go out and have a walk but do you have anywhere in mind to go?”

While I was grumbling in my mind, my sister asked me an odd question. I wondered what she meant until I realized that she misunderstood what I'd said earlier.

“Huh? What do you mean sister—Ah, I’m sorry, I didn’t explain it well enough and made you misunderstand.”

“Huh…?”

“Well, your old clothes don’t really fit you well now, do they?”

“Uh huh…?”

“And you don’t really have stuff that any normal girl would have.”

“Well, yeah? Since it’s only been less than a day. What are you getting at, Xia?”

Does she really not understand what I’m implying…?

“Considering that, wouldn’t it be a good time to go out together and pick out the necessary stuff? I’ll help you pick up the essentials and teach you how to live as a girl from now on.”

“...?”

Did she finally get it? Seeing that dumbfounded face of hers, it seems to be the case.

I never really noticed it since today has been such a hectic day but…

‘Not bad…’

My sister looks really pretty, probably even more beautiful than me… Which slightly hurt my pride…

‘Even that stupid expression of hers is cute…’

What am I even talking about? Get a grip, Jia Xia! She was your brother until today, you should be supporting, not envy her!

I let out a silent sigh.

“It would be nice to have it sorted out early, right? That’s why I want to help you now.”

“Yeah… You’re right, Xia, it’s better to have it sorted out early I guess… I’m in your debt again, haha…”

“Don’t mention it, doing this is fun too. Back home is too stuffy.”

“Alright.”

Sigh.

Seriously, it’s as if she is intentionally doing this to make it awkward.

“X-Xia…?! Did I… do anything wrong?” Big sister Jia Lin's cautious question left me annoyed but I decided to ignore it.

“You’re really terrible at continuing conversations, sister.”

“H-Huh…?”

“There you go again… Sigh Forget it, we shouldn’t waste anymore time so let’s hurry up.”

“Alright…! S-Sorry!”

***

Not long after, we finally got to the central mall. Honestly, not a place that I come by often.

Of course, the few times that I did, it was either with mom or with friends who wanted to hangout. Otherwise, I didn’t really see a point in coming.

Still, to come out on an occasion like this… with my sister no less. Hah… I didn’t put as much thought as I should’ve. To buy her some ‘girl items’...

‘The first thing that comes to mind would be…’

“U-Um, Xia… are we really?”

“Huh? What’s wrong, sister?”

Big sister suddenly stopped us before we could enter our first location: The lingerie shop.

“Isn’t that only for fe-females…?”

Hah…?

It feels like I’ve been struck by a hammer. What did she even mean by that? Only for females? Does she even see her own body…?

“Hey… Jia Lin.” I spoke, my expression turned serious.

“Y-Y-Yesh!?”

My sister, startled by my sudden change of attitude, stuttered but I ignored it.

I poked her chest and asked: “What are these?”

“Ummm…”

I could visibly see her face burning red, but I didn’t stop and continued.

“E-Eeeck?!”

“These curves…”

I gently ran my hand across her slender frame and then spoke again:

“Tell me, Jia Lin, are these the types of features that a man would have?”

“...”

Oh dear, my sister’s face is so flushed that I can visibly see her poor brain trying to think of a solution. Heh, I might get addicted to this…

‘N-No, what are you thinking, for god’s sake! Get a grip, Xia!’

“No, right?”

Despite my internal conflict, I outwardly continued the onslaught.

“That means, you, Hua Jia Lin, my sister, is a woman, correct?”

“...”

“Answer me, Jia Lin~”

“Y-Yes…”

“Great~ Then there should be no problem with us going in, right~? Let’s go.”

…

“Welcome, how may I help you two today?”

Not long after entering, a store clerk quickly approached us which saved me some time.

“Hello, I need help with picking out suitable underwear for my sister. Ah, she also needs her measurements done so it would be nice if you can help with that.”

“Sure thing! We can help with that. Now miss, please come with me to take your measurements.”

“E-Eh…?”

As the clerk politely guided my sister to the fitting room, I could only watch her stupid face as she looked back with a face that screamed “Help me!!!”

Ah, if she is going to stare back pitifully like that, I’d feel bad… I guess I’ll lend her some help.

“By the way, my sister is a bit shy and introverted, so please don’t force her too much.”

“No problem, miss. We understand.”

The clerk quickly understood my meaning and gently guided my sister. Though it didn’t feel like she cared…

I could only pray for my sister in my mind.

…

The measurements fortunately didn’t take that long and we quickly picked some suitable undergarments after that, so it ended decently quickly.

But… there was something else occupying my mind.

‘D… Cup? Is this a joke…?’

I knew that my sister’s was big, and I even got a feel of them while teasing her earlier. Even so, I had pride as a woman too…

Mine were by no means small, but compared to my sister’s…

‘It’s incomparable…’

Damn, what kind of disease is this…? Less of a disease and more of a body upgrade! It feels unfair…

Still,

“...They were large but… that large…?”

It was simply too unfair. Any normal girl would envy her! Hah…

“Huh, what are you talking about, Xia?”

“Eh? Ah?! It’s nothing, Jia Lin!!”

My sister’s sudden comment quickly brought me back to reality.

I should stop. Internally grumbling like this is not a good thing to do… The so-called disease saved my sister’s life after all. Feeling jealous over that…

‘Haha… I am the worst…’

Forget it, self-loathing won’t do anything. The best thing I could do now is to help her…

“If you say so. Anyways, we are pretty much done right? You bought so many sets… are you sure that I’ll even use them all?”

As I was thinking that, my sister suddenly asked another question. Honestly, what’s with her and asking these odd questions? She isn’t planning to ditch the underwear, is she?

“Huh? Yeah, of course you will. It’s not like I bought a large amount. A normal girl would at least have this much in her wardrobe, my clumsy big sister. Don’t tell me that you plan on slacking off and not wear any underwear?”

“Huh…!? Of course not! I am not that stupid, you know!?” She quickly retorted

Hah… she definitely was thinking of doing that.

Fine, she doesn’t want to admit it? Then I’ll make her!

“Oh really? My same old brother who never bothered to sleep right and always ended up on the floor?”

“...Ugh, please stop, I can’t help it… it’s too annoying to get up!”

Nope~ I won’t stop until you admit it, dummy!

“The same person who complains about why the water in the shower is cold when he is the one who forgot to turn on the heater?”

“I… you win, Xia… please just stop…”

“Fine, fine. If my cute older sister is begging that persistently, I’ll stop~”

Ahh, really… I am getting addicted to this, I shouldn’t.

I should be feeling guilty and try to make up with her but instead…

‘I’m just teasing her like a bratty little sister…’

Ahhh!!! Forget it!! I’ll force myself to stop!

I quickly composed myself and answered her earlier question.

“As for what you asked… Yeah, we are pretty much done.”

“Really?! Then we can go now, right? Let’s go, Xia!”

“Huh, what are you talking about? We are only done ‘here’, there’s still plenty of other things we need to buy for you, you know? Do you think that the scope of ‘girl stuff’ only covers underwear?”

“Ah…”

“We still need to get you some presentable clothing, better shampoo and hair conditioner too… Honestly, I don’t understand how you can survive on that three in one shampoo thing so that definitely needs to be changed for actual personal care products, maybe some make up and perfume too? But knowing your personality, you probably will just find it too troublesome to use. Ah, sanitary pads too when that time of the month comes and then make-up wouldn’t hurt to have too. I doubt you’ll use them by yourself but it’s still good to have them for special occasions. Not to mention…”

As I kept listing the items that we’ll need to buy, I could see my sister’s expression distorting from that of relief to pure, unfiltered despair.

“Xia…?”

“Basically, there’s a lot of things we need to buy so we are nowhere near done.”

“...”

Really… I wanted to restrain myself, but when she looks and acts this cute… how can anyone resist?

Just for today… Yeah…

Just for today, I’ll enjoy myself with emotions that I don’t deserve…

I grabbed my sister’s shoulder and playfully teased her again.

“So, Onee-chan~ Bear with it, okay~?”

“Why the sudden Japanese?”

“Ah, it was a joke to ease you up, did it not work?”

“It did… but?”

“If it worked, then let’s go. We don’t have all day thanks to a certain clumsy person who decided to not bathe before going out and ended up forcing us to waste an extra two hours.”

“Ugh…”

This greedy and sinful little sister of yours is going to take advantage of you again, big sister Jia Lin.

Sorry.

With that silent apology, I dragged her and continued our shopping spree.

***

‘Whew…’

Since we only had little time remaining, we had to rush the remaining purchases which was quite the tiring task. Fortunately, we managed to get everything without being too late.

‘That being said…’

“Xiaaaa…. Are we donee yettttt?”

I watched as my sister dragged her tired body, slurring her speech as she begged for an end.

“You really are unathletic, sister.”

“Huuhh? Wuzzat? Xia, can youuu repeat that..?”

“Hah… Nevermind. We are pretty much done with everything now, so you can rest.”

“Reeaaaallly…?”

“Yes, re-all-y. Now stop dragging your words and rest on this bench. I need to go to the washroom, so rest here and wait for me.”

“Havee funn!”

…

As I walked towards the washroom, a thought suddenly came to mind.

‘Even if this is a public space, aren’t they staring too openly?’

I don’t remember receiving such gazes during my previous trips and even for today, it was pretty mild until now. Though, it’s not like I don’t understand why.

‘She isn’t even a celebrity, to receive this much attention…’

The root cause of it… is my sister, of course. With a body and face like that, even women can’t help but to stare too. As a result, some of those eyes made their way on me too… How annoying.

Still, it was quite amusing to see my sister fidgeting and awkwardly trying to hide herself. Though of course, she completely gave up near the end when she no longer could even muster up the energy to walk straight.

Ah, maybe that’s why they were staring even more openly. Yeah, that makes more sense.

That being said, she would be fine, right…? I did just leave her like that but she is still an adult. She may be stupid but she is still 2 years older than me, so she should be able to do that much.

…Damn it, now I feel worried.

‘Hah… no use in worrying. The best I can do now is to be quick and get back to her.’

I quickly finished my business and checked my phone as I walked out

[7:23 P.M]

‘Right, it would be a good idea to tell mom that we’ll be home late.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{Jia Xia}
-Sorry Mom, don’t think we can make it home for dinner today, will probably come back later around 9.

{Mom}
-Ok ok! Stay safe and eat somewhere good. When you get on the bus, tell me. 👍

{Jia Xia}
-Ok, bye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that’s out of the way, I should quickly get back to my sister.

On the way back, I also spotted an ice cream shop.

Now that I think about it, getting some ice cream for her would be good too. Just imagining her eating ice cream in that state is already enough justification.

“Mister, two yogurt ice creams with caramel please!”

***

Fortunately, it seems that nothing bad happened to my sister while I was gone.

‘Her complexion has improved. That’s good.’

Still, she didn’t look too well, so I greeted her and gave her the treat.

“Wow, you look really tired. Here, take this. Should help a bit with the pain.”

“Thanks, but did you really need to buy this…? It’s really overpriced…”

“We aren’t financially unstable, you know? And I wanted to eat it too. That's why I also bought you one, so just eat.”

“But aren’t there cheaper options? We could’ve just bought some from a cheaper store.”

“Would you really rather suffer longer just for a cheaper price? You definitely wouldn’t.”

“...Fine.”

As she creaked her head away and submitted to my flawless argument, I shared a piece of good news with her.

“Don’t grumble like that. We’ve pretty much bought everything that you’ll need for now, so it’s pretty much done.”

“Really?”

“Yep, really. Though I wanted to go back before it was too late, it seems like that’s not possible now.” I replied as I took a quick glance at my phone

“Sorry…”

“What are you even apologizing for? We’ll just have to have dinner somewhere in the mall. I already called mom and told her that we’ll eat out so it’s okay.”

“Ah, that's fine then.”

“Then does ramen sound good? Haven’t had it in a while so I wanted some.”

“Yeah, it’s good, let’s go!”

“Pft… Where did that tired look of yours go? I wonder if I am the one who wants it or you. Follow me, I found a fairly decent looking ramen restaurant earlier.”

“Alright!”

…

After finishing our meals, we slowly waited at the bus stop.

It was pretty late now so there wasn’t anyone else at the bus stop besides us, making the situation a bit awkward.

I wondered if my sister enjoyed today…

Looking back, she had only been complaining as I dragged her around. Of course, it was for her own good but I still feel guilty for forcing her through this.

‘If she found today’s experience troublesome…’

Hah… That pretty much means that I achieved the opposite of what I wanted, doesn’t it?

Strangely, the silent and awkward atmosphere made me more emotional, and eventually…

Staring at my sister, I spoke out with my heart.

“Jia Lin.”

“Mhm? What is it, Xia?”

Seeing my sister reply like that, I couldn’t help but pour out my feelings.

I wouldn’t do this. The usual me wouldn’t. It would’ve just been better to keep it in and wait for her to say it herself but…

‘I guess I indulged myself too much.’

“Did you… find today troublesome?”

Looking at me with a slight smile, Jia Lin softly spoke.

“No, not really. I know you are just trying to help me, Xia. Thank you for that.”

Really… I am the fool here. What did I even expect…

I almost forgot, that at the end of the day, she is still the same person who loved and cared for me. There’s no way that would suddenly change despite what happened.

“Ah, is that so?”

“Mhm! Besides, it was somewhat fun too.”

…Really, I am a fool.

“I see.”

Unable to face her, I quietly replied while trying to distract myself with my phone.

“Pftt…”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just a funny video, wanna watch?”

“Sigh… Don’t get distracted too much, else we will miss the bus.”

“Yeah, yeah!”

It was fun. Today was a success, after all.

“Xia!”