Chapter 104

A year later, I found Mckayla's journal. I sat on the bed and opened it...

Dear Journal,

I went to the doctor today to find out I have stage IV cancer. Just two months ago I went in and it was stage II. When I was young I faced cancer, and they did chemo. I thought I defeated cancer for good, but stage IV... I am a goner. I was supposed to be McKayla, the girl who overcame cancer twice. The doctors tried chemo, radiation, you name it. Nothing worked. So when I went in this morning they explained “Your cancer has only progressed. We did everything we could. We hope you know that, but I regret to inform you that if it continues at this rate, you will not live more than two years. We will also need you to come back every couple of days for a check-up.” Two years, that’s all my measly body can give me. I have so many things I wanted to do. Two years… What do I tell my friends? My colleagues? My best friend, Paige?; who saw me conquer cancer at the age of five. I have no parents to tell, as I lost them both to cancer when I was nearly three. My Second mom has ‘taken care of me’ since the day they perished. What will I do with my two years, you may ask. I paid $2,000 to meet all of my favorite singers (Alec Benjamin, Clinton Kane, Tate McRae, Ant Saunders, and Louis Tomlinson). I also paid $500 to go skydiving in Florida at a place just minutes away from home. (My mom doesn’t mind me blowing all this money because she’s like a billionaire. She inherited all the money as family members passed.) I plan to tell my crush how I feel, and tell her about all of my battles. This is my first year as a working class individual. That’s right I, McKayla have been homeschooled my entire life. This is because my second mom (whom I call mom) went to college to be a teacher, and graduated just before my parents passed. (It was their wish to have me do my schooling from home. When they passed, mom wanted to make sure she followed through.) Since it is my last couple of years, I begged mom to let me try out the world of working and be a "normal" person (or as close to normal as a woman with cancer could be). Now that I am a month and a half away from owning my own business, and several years away from death, I will spend less time at work, and more time facing my fears head-on. Starting tomorrow. I went into today thinking that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, but all I see now is pitch black. With two years left, I already missed a lot of things growing up; no high school graduation, no prom, no grand wedding. With two years left, I will never get to experience adulthood. I, McKayla, have two years before I am reunited with my parents.

Dear Journal, 9 months

I have nine months left. Yesterday I spent so much time and money, planning out and paying for my last few days, that I didn’t have much time for anything else. Later today I will go skydiving. Nothing like facing your fears head-on. With a major fear of heights, this should be “fun”. My aunt is coming along because I need an adult to sign off on it. After skydiving, I will meet with my principal to see if he will allow early graduation. I want to graduate from high school. Be the first in a long line of Flemings to graduate from high school. As for prom, my aunt is throwing a small at-home prom with my closest friends. I’ll even have a fake wedding with the beautiful Paige (whom I am totally, secretly, deeply in love with). Tomorrow I have a meet and greet with Alec Benjamin at 11:30 am; Tate McRae at 1:45 pm; Clinton Kane at 4:00 pm; Ant Saunders at 4:45 pm; and Louis Tomlinson at 8:00 pm. I do not plan on telling anyone other than my principal about my whole “These are the last days of my life” because I believe I will outlive the deadline. If I do not my aunt will distribute my belongings to children in need. My money is to be donated to charity.

Five Hours Later

Skydiving… wow! That was a blast. Quite literally. I have never had so much adrenaline rushing through my body at once. I saw my home, school, church, doctor’s office, and the family cemetery. (Yes our whole family has been buried in the same plot of land.)

As for my meeting with the principal, he agreed to let me graduate early. Now I will get to have some of the things I wanted in life. Graduation will be different than I imagined it, prom so much smaller, a wedding; fake. With early graduation comes early adulthood. Something I never thought I would be excited about. I graduate in four months. I will have four and a half days left to live in adulthood. It’s all so crazy to think about, but when you are diagnosed with cancer you begin to plan out everything, you begin to wonder, is today the day my doctors are wrong? Is today the day when I die? Is today the day I live longer than my doctors expected? I was first diagnosed with cancer at age five, and then it went dormant for six years. At eleven it came back, starting at stage one. Now I am seventeen and a half with stage four cancer and about eight and a half days left. Eight and a half days until I am reunited with my parents, with the rest of my family. Eight and a half days until I am done suffering.

Dear Journal, 8 months

I have Eight months left. With these last few days of my life, I plan to pack in as much as possible. Today I have meetings with Alec Benjamin, Clinton Kane, Tate McRae, Ant Saunders, and Louis Tomlinson. I hope that they will answer my one request to sing my favorite song. Water Fountain (Alec Benjamin), Chicken Tendies (Clinton Kane), Shoulder to Shoulder (Tate McRae), Yellow Hearts (Ant Saunders), and Don’t Let It Break Your Heart (Louis Tomlinson). The time I spend traveling, from meeting to meeting, I will spend either eating, sleeping, or doing school work. Just because I get to be done with school for the rest of my life starting in 3 months does not mean I am going to let my grades slip now. My whole life I have had straight A’s. I’ve been on the National Honor Society, Distinguished Honor roll, and so much more. I have also never missed a day of school (it helps that I was homeschooled until this year). For the first time in my life, I am not nervous to meet new people. I’ve always been terrified of meeting someone new. I always thought to myself “what if they don’t like me?” or “what if they don’t want to be friends with me because I am the cancer girl?”. All of these thoughts would flood my head until I would faint. But I am completely conscious and ready to meet not one, not two, but five of my all-time favorite artists. two months after finding out I am on the verge of death, I face two of my biggest fears head-on.

Dear Journal, 7 months

As of right now I have seven months left to live, but I have to go back to the doctors office today for a check up. They will tell me if I have more time than I woke up with or less than that. Auntie and I will drive the half hour it takes to get to the appointment, and she will wait in the car. This morning she said something along the lines of “I can’t stand losing another family member, so don’t tell me what the doctors say,” and that’s what I plan to do. It’s not like we're close or anything. I believe she is actually my fifth aunt twice removed - or something like that. Anyway I hope the doctors say I have longer than they thought because I want to take a cross country trip from Florida (my home) to Washington (where Paige /love of my life lives). I want to tell her in person that she means the world to me, but what will she think? Does she know that I have been in love with her? What will her catholic parents think? Will they let us be together (for my final days)? I know that Paige is bisexual (which she has kept from her parents), but would she ever have feelings for someone who has a (non-optional) death sentence? God, I hope so. If my doctors tell me I only have seven months (right on schedule) then I will tell Phebes all about what’s been going on, and buy her a ticket to come to me. She’ll help me through it just like she did when we were five. Paige and I used to be neighbors, but when we were ten her parents bought a house in Washington, so we’ve talked on the phone weekly ever since. We had plans to facetime today, but she will know something is up just by looking at my facial expressions. She always does... At the end of the day I will have 6 months left. So that being said, I am right on track. Which is not what I was hoping for. I called Paige right before I came back to you. She is on her way down. We booked her flight for tomorrow morning, so I’ll see her around lunch time. I simply have 7 more days to realize that I can be at peace with the fact that I am no longer going to be around. There isn’t much more to say for now, so I’ll give you an update tomorrow.

Dear Journal, 6 months

I have six days left on this crappy planet. At least I’ll be able to spend them with my best friend. That’s right Paige’s parents are letting her stay for a week. Little do they know I have less than that, but it’s whatever. Who knows what life has in store for us. Maybe Paige is exactly what I need. She’ll help me find peace… or maybe she’ll make me glad that it’s all close to being over.

That’s all for now. Just waiting on the world greatest best friend to come and visit.

Dear Journal, 5 months

I have five months left to live, but today I won’t focus on that. Today, I am going to graduate. After two years of preschool, six years of elementary school, and four years of high school (for a total of twelve years of schooling), I finally got to graduate. After today I don’t need to set foot in another school. Like EVER AGAIN. I loved school, but with five months left on this planet, I want to enjoy them. I don’t want to be locked up in a building for eight hours studying things I’ll never have a chance to use. After my graduation (which is in 3 hours), I am going to tell Paige how I really feel about her. I could never do it before, but today I am going to face my fears and let it all out. I’ll tell her that she’s my everything (always has been, always will be), and that I am thankful I’ll never live a day without her. Maybe we’ll become something for the next few days or maybe we won't, but I’m just glad to have her here. Paige is currently heating up the curling iron, and setting out my outfit, as well as getting a reservation for lunch. We’re going somewhere fancy. As I stated before Auntie Aubrie is a billionaire, meaning I’ve never had fast food. I’m taking Paige out to any place she finds familiar so that when I burst out saying “I’m in love with you and have been for as long as I can remember'' she'll have something that hasn’t changed instantly. When we were young we ate at a place called Kids Bar. It’s a non-alcoholic bar where kids can order whatever they want without parents worrying about their children getting drunk. Anyway I should get ready to go. five months until I will no longer need to worry about what comes next.

Dear Journal, 4 months

I have four months, and Auntie reminded me that I need to visit mom and dad today. My first day as an adult and I am instantly reminded of the fact that it won't last long. It’s been 15 years since they passed. We visit every five years, and today I have my girlfriend to join me. That’s right I told Paige how I felt. She started crying and then whispered “McKayla, I’ve been in love with you since we met when you lost your parents, and realized it when I moved. Why couldn’t you have told me sooner?” I was at such a loss for words that she simply looked across the table at me and then kissed me with a passion I’ve never felt before. Damn did it feel good too. Well that is enough about that… as I was saying I have to visit my parents today. We’ll stop to get them roses (my mom’s favorite) and lilacs (my father’s favorite). Paige will pay her respects to my parents who used to babysit her, and then we will go home and relax. Paige and I will watch Love Simon (our favorite movie) while eating popcorn. It will be a great day. Mom, dad, I am coming home in four months.

Dear Journal, 3 months

According to my most recent doctors visits I have three months left to live. I am going back later today to see if that is still the case. I hope, more than anything, that the doctors are wrong and that this was just a little scare to make me face some of my biggest fears. I hope that I’ll have the opportunity to live my life with my girlfriend. I’m seventeen and a half and this is my only romantic relationship. My first and last relationship will always be the same relationship if my doctors are right. I wish I could say that I was Paige's first relationship but that would be a lie. Can you believe it? We're both almost eighteen years old and I just had my first kiss. With my best friend. I never thought the day would come. I’ve never been in a relationship because the only REAL person I’ve ever had feelings for lived across the country and was my best friend. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in LOVE with characters in books and movies, but they're not real people. Anyway, back to the point… I have a huge doctors appointment in about twenty minutes and I have to be patient while waiting for results. I’ll fill you in tomorrow on what happens. three months until I can enter my eternal rest.

Dear Journal, 2 months

I have two months left. That’s right. Today and tomorrow. Then I will be at total peace. My stage IV cancer is nearing a never seen before stage V cancer. Today Paige and I will listen to my entire When I Die playlist (available on spotify). It’s about nine and a half hours long, but we love Clinton Kane so the chances of us making it through the whole playlist that quickly are very slim. Anyway remember how I told you that Pheobe is bisexual.. well in her previous relationship she and her boyfriend went all the way, which wasn’t very smart because now she’s pregnant. When I went in for my check up yesterday, she decided to go get a few tests run too and she is eighteen weeks pregnant. I can’t believe it. Well that’s all for today. Thanks for always listening (even though you don’t have a choice.) Two more days until I am done suffering, until the heartache stops and I find my peace.

Dear Journal, Final Day

My doctor’s think that today is the day I finally kick the bucket. There is one thing I want to do before that happens though. I want to thank my aunt for taking care of me for the past fourteen and a half years. I want to thank Paige, my girlfriend and best friend, for staying by my side. And I want to thank you for letting me write all of this down. Lastly I want to thank… anyone who reads this for taking the time to read, and understand that I’m okay with dying. I’ve accepted my fate. On the first day I told you that all I saw was pitch black, well today… I will see the light again. So this is goodbye.

Dear Journal, 1 month after Mckayla Passed

I am Paige, the girl who lost her girlfriend to stage IV cancer. I’m not sure if this is what Mckayla wanted but I am going to give this a shot. In her final moments, she wanted everyone to know that she found peace and will be able to move on in the after life. The doctors were down to the hour in their prediction, but they forget to mention that they had also guessed Mckayla Fleming was going to die yesterday, when they first diagnosed her at the age of five. This was no surprise to anyone except Mckayla. I know that she told you all that I was pregnant, which is true. I am pregnant with a baby girl who I am going to name Mckayla Jr. I regret to inform you that this is the end of this journal and the end of this story.