Chapter 22

She startles when she realizes it's me, bringing her hand to her chest. Or maybe, hopefully, just that someone heard or agreed."I'm sorry, Katherine, dear," she smiles sadly and puts the hand that had come up down on my arm. "I didn't realize anyone was here. What must you think of me?"

"I think you care more about those children than your own comfort and standing in their eyes." She looks at me searchingly for a long minute, before nodding without a smile. It is possibly thevfirst I've ever seen her not put on a smile to talk to me and it feels like progress. That this might be the last Christmas I'll spend here makes it all the more poignant."Let me help you clean up," I say to force the grief down. Yet another first that we work in companionable silence. It doesn't help with the sadness.When I go up to Paige's room to get my warmest knit sweater, I find her sleeping curved around Hannah who is rolled into the tiniest ball she can with her face buried in Paige's neck. I tiptoe around the room to get my sweater but I must make some noise because when I turn around, Paige is watching me.Her eyes are soft and a little sad, and I want to lay down on Hannah's other side to make a protective cocoon around her – letting Paige know she can rely on me when she takes on the weight of the world. I smile sadly and nod towards the door to Paige. Her eyes follow me to it but she doesn't move. And when I turn to shut the door, her eyes are closed again.I make my way downstairs cautiously. I aim to cloister myself in Henry's study – more like the family's library, but a man needs at least the illusion of his own space I guess. I need a moment alone. I can't think of any way I get to come back to this house next Christmas. This family might altogether be a little – or a lot – too heteronormative for me to truly ever feel at home but they're still already so much more welcoming than my own that I can't ignore my feelings of want and loss. And I understand why Asher and Paige however ambivalent they feel at times – don't want to jeopardize any of it either.

I think this situation can only go two ways from here: either we follow the plan – fake break-up in a few months – and I cannot come back like the ex-girlfriend I'll be pretending to be, or we don't and I cannot come back like the lying sinful lesbian I will be in their eyes.I don't doubt Paige and Asher's assessment of their parents. I know people like to pretend that queer kids being afraid to tell their parents is more paranoid fear of rejection than sound reasoning based on a lifetime of experiences, but that is rarely what I've witnessed. Nor should it matter either way, I think. But it does mean I do not expect them to open their house to me if they learn the truth.I take a deep breath – which comes back out shaky – and I know I need to stop where I am for now. I have resigned myself to the inevitable, and it's already so heavy. I will need to grieve properly later, or I risk getting crushed under the weight right where I'm sitting.

Thankfully, the rest of the day is a whirlwind of work and fun – cooking and charades, feeding everyone and fireside stories, last-minute gift-wrapping and hot cocoa – until it is time for another big dinner at the crowded table. Then, it's only a matter of small talk and pointless longing until it is acceptable to jump on the opportunity to help tuck the little ones into bed.Sasha, the oldest at 12, vacillates between wanting to stay with the adults and being the responsible elder setting a good example for his much younger cousins. I see him glance back at the table for every step he takes until it is out of sight, and I decide to stay up with him for a little longer.The children are sharing two bedrooms on their own – a sort of week-long sleepover for the older ones, three abed and a few more on additional mattresses."Why do I have to wait for tomorrow to open my presents?" He whispers angrily to me, crossing his arms. "I know Santa Claus isn't real.""Sasha," I whisper back, "do you want your cousins to learn it this way?"

"If I were them, I'd want to know," he sulks."I agree with you, but do you want to be the one to make them cry or argue with you?" He huffs, "no," and I smile conspiratorially."Me neither."I didn't expect Paige to already be in her room once I have ensured all children are on their way to a peaceful sleep, and, to be honest, I was hoping I could be asleep when she came up. But she is sitting on her bed, facing the door when I open it, and I feel more relief at the sight of herbthan anything else. Although she herself seems anxious – picking at the comforter, feet bouncing, gaze down.

"I want to tell them," she says with no context. None is needed, really. As I approach, she lifts her head to me. I reach out and push her hair away from her face. Her eyes are stormy with worry, and I pull her into me – her head against my stomach, our legs crossing. She grips the back of my sweater and I wrap my arms around her shoulders and neck.

We are both still for a long moment, hold tight and immobile. And then she exhales and our

mutual grip slackens into a softer embrace.

Wordlessly, we separate and prepare quickly for bed, where we lie down and face each other and our fears. "My parents kept hinting at a happy event we should be expecting in the near future, tonight." I make a sound, halfway between grunt and hum, from the back of my throat.

"Is that why you were yelling at Asher this morning?"I chuckle. "I couldn't be yelling, my mouth was frozen." She smiles – finally – tenderly, and my stomach flops. I take her hand and play with her fingers to hide my reaction."Is it why you've been down all day?""I don't want to ask you to overhaul your life, and I don't want to never share this bubble of us with you again.""You could come to Christmas as my guest," she says hopefully, almost questioningly. I smile sadly, and before I can say anything, she rushes to add, "it wouldn't have to be weird with my parents. Asher could tell them it was mutual. Actually, that would be a great excuse for him – that their pressure for you to get married broke you two up."That might work. But at the same time, I've been re-evaluating things. And yes, I can now admitI'm a little in love with Paige and no, it's not healthy for me to pine for her 50 weeks of the year."Or," she starts hesitantly when I don't reply right away. "Or I could move?" She ends even more hesitantly."I would not ask you to do that." A little spark of hope lights up in my chest but I really would not ask her that."I know but, Ash, I think I really want to." She smiles – softly. "I know it's not the same as coming out to my parents, but we could give this a real try." She pauses. "If you want to." She shrugs.

"I do. I'm pretty sure I passed the point of simple crush approximately last Christmas." I smile, a little self-deprecating.She scoots closer to me and touches my forehead with hers. "I know they say you shouldn't move just for a relationship, but if I'm being honest, this relationship is giving me the push to get out of my comfort zone.""I think we could find out exactly how big is that zone." She bursts out laughing. "That was so bad, it's not even corny anymore."I simply kiss her in response. Slow and not too deeply, since we’re both still smiling and I want it more to express my excitement and hope than imply anything transactional to her.I’m also pretty tired from our late night and early morning, and then the double shift of work and play that celebrations always mean. I pull out to yawn, and she reflexively mirrors me, which makes us dissolve into giggles, my forehead resting against her cheekbone and her mouth angled up towards my ear.The puffs of her giggling breaths on the shell of my ear send heat down to my chest and then to the pit of my stomach. It both increases the pressure I have been feeling since this morning and soothes its coldness into something much more complex. A mix of dread and desire, heartache and hope, vulnerability and openness.Then Paige rolls over me, pushing me on my back. She brings her hand up to trail the pad of her fingers along my cheekbone and then palm my jaw. I lift my head just a few inches to graze her lips and she tilts my head to deepen the kiss. She ends up pressed down against me from chest to thighs. I grip her shoulder blades and the small of her back, and wrap a leg around her calf.