81

‘You bastard!’ Morag sobbed once more, her voice had lost conviction and fire and she just sounded helpless and hopeless. Rob sighed and slid down to his knees in front of her, looking at Rose for some sort of help, but she just stood motionless like a deer in the headlights, unable to offer a single word of support. Wide-eyed and completely out of her depth. All she could muster was a slight shrug and shake of the head. She knew her face was probably blushed and hot and her hair wild, so she concentrated her efforts on trying to smooth away the remnants of their lovemaking from her appearance.

‘Morag...I love her. This isn’t some affair or casual thing.’ He was trying so hard to be gentle, his voice low and calm, his eyes on the woman’s face once more as she silently cried. ‘I never wanted to hurt you, but I can’t go on living this way.’ Morag turned towards him and stared. Tears falling. Face crumbling still but no verbal response.

Rose sunk down into his chair and tried to keep her vision on other things and not the intimate way they were closely facing one another. The mess on the floor of the stuff he had swiped off. His laptop teetering dangerously close to the far corner of the smooth surface and looking to tumble off at any second. The picture frame they had accidently broken laying in pieces under the edge of the desk near her lacy underwear. The fact her pink bra was hanging from the curtain pole over the window in a distasteful manner and not exactly something she wanted Morag to see, adding more insult to injury.

Rose couldn’t really offer anything in way of useful dialogue. The woman was glaring at her now and then as she swung from Rob’s face to Rose’s, with so much hatred and confusion. Rose wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole. Rob was trying to help, dabbing Morag’s face with a tissue, uneasy at the lack of reaction and calm tearful posture. Even Rose knew this was out of character for Morag, this weird quiet response and lack of hysterics.

‘How long?’ She finally broke the silence and her calculated gaze landed once more on Rose’s face. ‘How long have you been screwing her?’

He looked startled by the question but didn’t falter, didn’t rephrase her question for her, knowing she was acting out of pain and hurt.

‘On and off for a few months. After the charity dance, a week or so after.’ He sounded remorseful, knowing that lying to her, hiding this from her in the beginning, had been wrong. Regretting it now that they were here and realising this admission only made things so much worse for her to swallow.

‘Earlier? Acting like she was here to see Abby...Was that part of the charade for my benefit?’ Morag sounded venomous, anger seeping through her shock and upset, her voice hitching slightly. Rose could see the woman’s hands trembling in a mirror to her own.

‘No.’ He glanced back at Rose, seeing her tense awkwardness and throwing her a supportive look, a weak smile and a little look that was somehow apologetic. ‘We were fighting, I was being an asshole.’ Rose gave him a small smile back, warmed that even in this moment he would still look at her that way and still be saying sorry in his own way.

‘But other times we saw her? That was pretense, right?’ Morag snapped his attention back with more accusations, her tone haughtier with every word as though she was slowly building from desolate to fury.

‘Not always, it was complicated, and we broke up for a while... But there were times...Yes... That we acted like nothing was going on. I didn’t want to hurt you more than I was Morag, you need to understand that all of it was for your benefit. To protect you.’

‘How is lying to me and hiding the truth, protecting me? You have been sneaking around with her, letting me believe everything was fine.’ The pain so much more to bear than she was capable of as she tried to process all the facts. Through the haze of the pills, they had been making her take, she was struggling so hard to piece things together while forcing down the unbearable betrayal.

‘Morag... I have tried to tell you so many times I was seeing someone, I even told you I was in love with her. I told you when I brought you home again that I was serious about someone and tried to talk to you even then, but you wouldn’t listen. You go off on one and become delusional, denying it and then acting like it’s not happening. We have been going around in circles for weeks with this. We weren’t fine... Hiding my love life so as not to upset you isn’t fine or normal Morag. We’re friends, nothing more, it shouldn’t have to be like this.’ Rob was trying to reason with her, no longer drying her tears but instead his hand was covering hers on her knee. Giving her gentle comfort and despite knowing it was platonic for him, Rose had to look away as the tiny bite of jealousy hit her in the stomach.

Morag began to shake her head, pulling her hand from his and using both to push her hair back from her sodden face, a movement that made her seem less lucid so suddenly, more childlike.

‘I can’t listen to this bullshit. I can’ think straight while you and you’re bit on the side are staring at me like that.’ She snapped at him, Rose could see him visually stiffen and sigh heavily. Guessing that his reaction was reversion of her attitude back to denial. He seemed at a loss for words, a hand coming to pinch the bridge of his nose as though he was dealing with a stressful client and taking a moment to think about what he wanted to say, Rose sunk in her seat a little more, just wishing she could leave the room.

Morag turned wild eyes back on her, as though trying to work something out and sizing her up. It sent a jot of fear through Rose’s stomach and her skin tingled, immediately looking away from the hateful scowl yet feeling her eyes running all over her. Pausing her searching gaze on Rose, Morag sat upright in a bolt, straighter and somehow fiercer; her face paled further; gulping down hard, she lifted a shaking hand as though it was too fragile to move and pointed at Rose slowly.

‘You gave her your mother’s ring?’ Accusingly spat, the shrill tone of building rage and heartbreak sliced the air as hints of hysterical Morag came into play. Rose recoiled, pulling her hand out of sight and mouthing a sorry as Rob glanced back at her briefly. Rose’s nerves had become a jumbling mass of jelly.

‘Morag! I’m sorry.’ Rob put his hands on each side of her, trying to bring her focus to him. ‘I should have told you... I didn’t know how to do it when you got upset coming home... To make it easier... Rose and I... I asked her too... We are going to get married... I want a future with her, I know I should have told you sooner, but I really didn’t know how to do it.’ He lifted one hand up towards her face smoothly, stroking her face gently, trying to make the news more bearable. Rose looked away, the feeling of discomfort and major jealousy raising inside this time. She knew she was being stupid.

He’s trying to save a drowning soul from complete destruction. Not making a move on his ex.

‘No...No. You’re not!’ Morag’s voice became higher, louder as she slapped his hand away viciously.

‘Morag. I’m sorry.’ Rob sat back, putting his hands down on his knees, still staying near her but leaning back as though he was expecting an outburst.

‘NO! It’s not happening!’ She snapped, this time her tone furious and loud. Wild eyes flying back and forth between Rose and Rob and looking more than a little manic.

‘Nothing you say. Nothing you do can change how I feel about her. I can only tell you that I’m sorry.’ Rob reached out to her again, trying to catch her hand as she began tugging at her hair, ripping at it cruelly as though trying to pull it out, her eyes swimming with fresh tears and her face twisting to control the onslaught of heartache.

She was manically shaking her head, pushing him away. Rising to her feet and grasping at her own arms, Trying to self-comfort. Trying not to lose all control. Rose watched in complete dismay as the woman unraveled before her eyes.

‘Let me leave Rob! I need to leave... I’m trying to keep my shit together. Trying to show you I can keep my shit together, but you need to just get out of my way.’ Her voice was shaking wildly, her body vibrating with the effort of clinging onto the last of her control and stopping herself from snapping into the hysterical woman of weeks ago in the hall.

Rob slid back, moving to his own feet so she could freely shove the chair away and turn to the open door. Morag stood shakily, her thin frame looking suddenly so fragile and small beside his muscular body that towered over her.

‘You won’t do this to me! You love me! I know you do! You just need to get over this... this thing... This affair. I forgive you. I do.’ She was back to rambling, her voice up and down in both tone and volume as her brain scrambled through a million emotions.

‘Morag listen to me...’ Rob tried.

‘NO... You listen to me! You take that whore and you screw her fucking brains out until you have had your fill. You get it out of your system. You hear me? Fuck her any which way you want, up the ass for all I care, but you do it and you forget it. You forget her and then you come back to me and we fix this. We go back to how we were.’ Morag’s voice was high pitched and screechy, her finger shaking as she waved it near his face, her eyes wild and unfocused as tears washed over her cheeks.

‘Morag please!’

‘You come to me with that fucking ring and you grovel for me, because you love and want only me. You’ll realise you were wrong. You’ll realise that you need me. You’ll see, we’re meant to be, you and me. I’ll take you back and we will never speak of this again. Never speak of her again!’ Her insane words were coming out like verbal diarrhea as though she was trying to convince not only him but herself too. A sea of uncontrollable pain in that face and body and Rose could only stare with complete disbelief.

‘Morag!’ Rob was trying to keep his cool, straining against every part of his will not to snap at her because he could see how desperately she was trying to stay in control. Morag made a move to the door and he started after her, but she held up her hands hushing him, a dangerous look on her face. Her body violently shaking, her chest heaving and a return to that furious violent woman of Rose’s memories.