xxv

I had no idea where she had gone. The Academy was so huge, it could have been anywhere. Still, I went for the most obvious first. The ladies room.

In fact, from behind a closed booth, I heard her cry softly.

"Elena?" I asked cautiously. "Jolien?" I heard her sniff and quickly said, "I'm fine!" Unfortunately, it didn't sound like it at all. "Elena, are you okay?" Silence.

I patiently waited until one of the four doors swung open and I saw the reason for her crying.

The straps of her dress had snapped, exposing half of her breasts. "I can't go out like that. I.. I" again she buried her face in her hands and cried.

I took a step towards her, crouched down in front of her and pulled my hands away from her face. ,, Elena, that's not so bad!" ,, It keeps slipping down... I can't dance with Rash like that. Everything should be perfect and now?" "We'll trade," I said firmly.

My words made her stop crying and look at me in wonder. "Swap?" I nodded.

"I'll give you my dress and you give me yours." "You can't mean that!" She retorted in disbelief. ,, Elena, take off your dress - you looked forward to this ball much more than I did. Malio and I are leaving soon anyway." I said confidently and turned around so that she could unzip me. "Are you serious?" I nodded and then said, "Sure! It's all ok. "

I felt her tugging at the zipper with trembling fingers and then a soft "Done" escaped her lips. Still undecided, she slipped out of her own dress and handed it to me.

The bust was really very loose, but I was lucky enough to have a larger bust than Elena, which meant that it fit reasonably well and as long as I wasn't jumping around wildly, it should certainly stay in place.

My dress fit Elena very well too.

"Wait!" I held her back, remembering at the last minute that she had been crying and her mascara was a bit smudged. "You want to look good for Rash!" I said, laughing, handing her a tissue. She laughed softly and carefully wiped the unnecessary blackness from her eyes. "Perfect!" I said after taking one last scrutinizing look at Elena's face. She hugged me, fighting back tears again. "Thanks Jolien, you're a great friend. I never had a best friend - me I think that's changed now!"

I halfheartedly returned her hug since I didn't like hugs and said kindly, "I guess that's what best friends are for!"

Together we walked back to the others, not taking the direction of the table, but the way out of the cafeteria, into the yard, where Malio was already waiting for me.

For the umpteenth time that evening, it takes my breath away. Whenever I thought there was nothing left to knock me out, he did.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I fought back the emotion the sight aroused in me.

In the center of the courtyard, Malio stood under a white pavilion whose frame was decorated with strings of lights and the same garland of white flowers that hung from the chandeliers inside.

The sight alone managed to completely overwhelm me, but when I heard the soft tones of the song, my heart stopped once and for all. Hot tears ran down my cheeks.

Dancer, Bear child,

Last page in the calendar.

And a song - someone sings:

Once upon a time in December

The tones of my favorite song actually rang out. He had memorized the song, played it here and now, especially for me.

He held out his hand and I ran the few meters to him before hugging his neck and crying. "You noticed?" He lowered his lips to my forehead and said quietly, "Of course - dance with me, Jolien!"

I tried to calm my racing heart but couldn't. Couldn't stop the tears. The overwhelm of all of this still had a firm grip on me.

He pushed me out of the hug a little and looked down at me skeptically: "What happened to your dress?" I shook my head with a grin: "Don't ask, friendly emergency!"

Malio slipped his jacket off his shoulders and put it around my neck. After that, his hands rested on my hips while I cupped my own on the back of his neck.

Say, who's holding me tight?

Sleigh ride - and yet I'm warm.

Couples spin quickly,

Music blows in the wind.

The words drifted softly around us as we slowly swayed to the beat.

As the song drew to a close, he leaned forward to whisper the identical words in my ear.

Longing calls

My heart goes home.

My heart beat faster again as he longingly found my lips.

Again he pushed me a hand's breadth away from him to look deep into my eyes. I felt my breath speed up audibly. "Jolien..." he started.

He brought his face closer to mine.

"Jolien, I love..." The rest of his sentence was drowned out by a deafening bang.

I looked at him with wide open eyes.

"Was that about..." "A shot." He confirmed my suspicion, with a worried expression.

A shot?

I looked at Malio in fear and repeated my question out loud, realizing at that moment that none of my words had escaped my lips. "One shot, what do you mean by ..!" At that moment we heard it again.

The sound of a shot close by.

I jumped and Malio pushed protectively in front of me. "It's coming from inside!" he said.

I hadn't even realized that I had grabbed his hand.

Panicked screams filled the sudden silence that had reigned until just now, plunging the cloudless night into an unnatural stillness. As if the two short and loud shots had sucked every sound out of the world. Then, in a raging panic, crashing in on us again.

"Stay here...stay behind me!" Malio changed his mind mid-sentence. He probably realized it would be safer for me if I stayed close to him.

He clasped my hand and with the other pulled his jackknife from his pocket, then approached the doors that led to the cafeteria.

Some students rushed towards us, fleeing the Academy in panic.

"Malio, maybe we should stay here if you're still here!" I didn't know why I assumed there were several perpetrators.

Maybe it was intuition, or I'd seen too much now not to assume that someone alone would storm a full school and shoot wildly all around.

"Do you hear anything else?" Malio's voice penetrated the night, whose deceptive silence was now more and more filled with loud screams, the closer we got to the cafeteria. He continued to fight his way through the stream of students, pulling me relentlessly behind him here.

"No." I said while not breathing. It was incredibly exhausting fighting the rushing mass while my heart and lungs were working overtime. "Exactly. It was two aimed shots. That was planned," Malio replied, while we had crossed the cafeteria and entered the commotion of the entrance hall.

It was worse here.

People were screaming, crying and running wildly. A cluster had gathered in the middle of the dance floor.

"Oh no, please don't!" I struggled out of Malio's grasp, even somehow freeing myself from his arms, which immediately closed tightly around my stomach so he could stop me from doing what I was able to do.

I recognized it. Recognized the dress. My dress.

Roughly I pushed the surrounding people aside, let myself cry and scream next to Rash on the red colored artificial snow. Every fiber of my body felt excruciating pain.

"Elena!" I yelled while shaking her lifeless body.

Her green eyes were open, staring at the decorated ceiling. It almost looked as if time had just stood still - and she would wake up from her rigidity at any moment.

"ELENA!" I screamed even louder, even more hysterically. Someone grabbed my arm, but I just slapped the annoying hand away.

,, STAND UP. ELENA, GET UP!" Every word I spoke was accompanied by a desperate shaking, by a loud sob. I wanted her to move, wanted her to look at me, to smile at me.

The veil of tears blinded me. Took my hope 'cause it just wouldn't budge

I looked down at my red hands, stared at the red puddle I was sitting in that was spreading further and further under her body. Inexorably turned the white artificial snow red.

"ELENA!" I had to call out her name. Had to let my pain run free because it threatened to eat me from the inside out.

"JOLIEN!", I heard Malio's voice. Heard him somewhere in the distance, but I didn't want to let him get through to me now. I wanted to surrender to the pain, the grief over the loss of my girlfriend. Lose myself completely in him.

I shook off Malio's arm again, because I was now certain that it could only be him who kept trying to pull me out of the situation, out of the pain.

"Ivan, take Rash!" his words pulled out of a bubble of pain, sadness, and a deep drowsiness.

Rash! I'd forgotten about him, completely ignoring the fact that I'd pushed him aside as he crouched over Elena himself. Shouted, cried, and shook her shoulders desperately.

I looked for his hand. Found her. Somewhere. I felt his hug, felt his hand on the back of my head. "Jolien," he repeated my name over and over again in a feeble, thin voice.

"No, no, no!" I cried out in pain.

He rocked me. Back and forth like children do. But the calming effect didn't want to set in.

"M-Malio!" I heard Rash's broken voice after a while. I cried non-stop against his chest, hysterically surrendering to my nervous breakdown.

Someone came next to us, crouched on the floor, only to take my face in his hands the next moment. "Jolien, you need to calm down!" Malio's voice got through to me for the first time in minutes. I let it, even looking into his ice blue eyes.

The veil of tears that clouded my vision cleared, just for a moment. Enough to look into his eyes. "I can't!" I whispered barely audibly. "I can't, Malio!"

There was pain, so much pain. Pain I've suppressed for so long. Pain that has been wanting out since my mother died.

"I'm here," he said softly, but my mind, my brief clarity, was already drifting away as I turned my head back to Elena.

I suddenly realized that I would never see her again. Should never hear her laugh again.

The realization, the cruel realization, hit me so hard that I clutched Malio exhaustedly, my head banged against his chest.

He pulled me into a hug. Finally got the closeness he needed to get through to me. He just held me for a few seconds before yanking me off the floor.

My knees were shaky and threatened to give out as soon as I stood. "Bring Rash with you!" Malio turned to someone, probably Ivan, but I didn't care anyway.

I just focused on my steps as tears continued to stream down my cheeks. His arm wrapped around my waist for support to set me down in a chair a few feet away.

Empty. After all the pain all the tears There was only emptiness.

"Jolien!" I heard him. Saw him. And yet his voice only got through to me to a limited extent.

Malio cupped my face in his hands as he crouched in front of the chair and looked straight into my eyes again. ,, Please come back to me. I know it's bad. But don't give in to emptiness."

From afar, I could still see the black dress. It didn't look like a ball gown anymore, didn't look fancy in any way. It looked like a mourning robe. Like a dark prediction. Like an omen.

I didn't know how long I sat, completely apathetic, in the chair Malio had put me on. Whether it was just minutes or even hours before the police arrived and secured the hall.

One by one the parents of the students arrived. Their parents.

When I saw the upset Mrs. Smith, tears ran down my dried cheeks again. I heard her scream, certain that I would never be able to forget it.

Malio had got Rash and me a water. He looked just as empty as I felt. Eventually, I grabbed his hand. Since then she rested in his. Not only connected us physically but also mentally.

He didn't say a word and yet I understood him. understand his pain Loud and clear, like he's yelling it right in my face.

I watched as Mrs. Smith knelt by her dead daughter. How Mr. Smith put his hand on his weeping wife's shoulder.

The police chased the superfluous students out of the hall and ensured order. But I didn't care about that either. Even when someone not much older than us came up to me and Rash, I still didn't care.

"Can you tell me what happened?" he asked tactlessly. I felt Rash's hand clench, felt the same anger seething inside me.

"Don't you have any decency?" I burst out. The policeman raised one of his blond, bushy eyebrows. "Excuse me?" ,, Can't see that we're not doing well. Go ask other students!"

I freed myself from Rash's grip and stood up. The emptiness, the sadness, every feeling turned to anger in a matter of seconds.

"Jolien!" I heard Rash weakly try to stop me from making a mistake.

My temper had always torn me into the abyss. thousands of times.

"Your name?" the officer asked defiantly while jerking a small notebook. "Go!" I said bluntly. ,, Your name, young lady. Or do you want trouble?"

"The only one who gets in trouble is you when my father, Samael Dakarias, complains to the office about you!" I heard Malio's cold voice ring out behind the officer.

He spun around and eyed Malio for a few seconds. Apparently realizing who he was facing, he took a step back, almost colliding with me.

"Sorry. But I still have to record the names. You can make your statement later." He immediately rowed back. "I'll give you the names -" Malio looked past him, straight at me. "Your father is here." He was right.

I saw my father's excited face as he pushed past the police officers into the lobby. He didn't believe in rules any more than I did. I had to get my rebellious nature from somewhere.

The battle was forgotten. What was forgotten was that we still hadn't spoken out. Everything that stood between us before that evening was forgotten.

I dashed past Malio and the policeman and ran toward my father. More tears formed as I let myself sink into his arms. "Oh Jolien!" he said excitedly and I heard the tremor in his voice. "Daddy!" I cried.

He stroked my blond hair. "I'm so sorry," he murmured against my hair.

I knew he wasn't just talking about tonight. Not just the loss of my girlfriend. I knew he meant everything. Any quarrel. Every argument that lay between us before that night.

"Me too!" I whispered softly against his chest. My father held me silently. Giving me the support I needed. Eventually I pushed away from him. Putting a decent distance between us again.

"Can we go?" I asked, completely exhausted. I was tired and at the same time, the image of Elena on the floor, with her eyes open, burned itself into my mind every time I closed my eyes.

My father nodded as he looked around for one of the police officers to double check we could go and give them our ID's if necessary.

Many of the students had already left and only a few were still there with their parents. Made statements or just didn't manage to leave. My eyes searched for Malio, when I found him my stomach clenched again.

His father was standing next to him, his gaze fixed on me.

But why am I interested in this man right now?

I was so empty, so emotionless, that I didn't even care about steering towards a confrontation with him.

I approached her with shaky steps. When Malio spotted me, he broke away from his father and met me halfway. "Are you going home?" he asked cautiously. I nodded and grabbed his hand.

His nearness was like medicine. She numbed the pain. We had imagined this evening differently. Completely different.

And now here we are. One more broken than the other.

I realized that by looking at his expressionless face. No pain. no sadness He knew that sight. Maybe even knew the feeling. And yet there was nothing but indifference in his eyes.

" I'll get back to you. Try to sleep.", he paused, briefly considering whether he should add something else. After a few seconds he apparently decided against further words, because in the end he just leaned forward again and gave me a gentle kiss on the forehead.

I had expected that he would report. On the same day. The next day. The next day.

But even today, five days later, when my world, my soul, my mind was still standing still, Malio still hadn't contacted me. Not once.

The radio silence made it even harder to adjust to the loss of Elena.

I found myself opening up their chat window and typing a message many times a day and even more times at night - until eventually I realized what I was doing. Until I realized it was pointless.

My father tried, but he couldn't absorb my grief—especially now that Malio's absence was also nagging at my heart.

Even Silia did her best. Also today, she had slept next to me again. She thought it would help me. But it didn't. Only one person could help me...

I picked up the phone again. I opened his chat window again. And again I typed a message that I didn't send. Deleted the three words. Like every time.

I sighed. Today was the day of her funeral. The day I had to face Mrs. and Mr. Smith. The black dress had been hanging on the closet door for days, ready to hand.

Silia's alarm clock rang - an unnecessary understatement. I haven't slept well since the events. Very bad even. The few hours that regularly, every few days, let me slip into a restless sleep were anything but relaxing. The other days I didn't sleep at all - I just pretended to make Silia sleep.

Rash felt the same way. We've been in contact since Elena's death. I also knew from him that Malio was fine - Rash had moved in with them temporarily. Maybe that's why he didn't call - because he was taking care of Rash.

"Silia, your alarm clock!" I said, trying to keep my voice sleepy. The beeping of my own cell phone made me wince, causing it to slip from my hands.

MALIO: Sorry I didn't get in touch. Can we see each other before the funeral?

I stared at the words. It wasn't exactly what I was hoping for after all this time, but he wanted to see me.

That was good, wasn't it?

I typed out an answer with trembling fingers.

JOLIEN: Sure. At the chapel? I could come earlier

MALIO: OK. At 9:00 a.m.

That was half an hour before the funeral. The way he wrote worried me, but I tried to push the fear aside.

I thought I would get in trouble if I told my dad I wanted to go to the chapel early, but to my own amazement, he let me go. Maybe he assumed I wanted to say goodbye to Elena in peace and quiet.

Although I could have taken the car, I walked. The chapel wasn't that far away and walking helped me organize my thoughts.

I reached my destination at 8:45 a.m. and didn't expect Malio to be there yet, so I was all the more surprised to see the black Lamborghini in the deserted parking lot next to the chapel.

He got out of the car when he spotted me.

The five days of abstinence hadn't changed my feelings. Nothing at all.

"Hey," he greeted me in a strangely distant voice. "Why didn't you get in touch? You said you'd get in touch!" He avoided my gaze.

"Let's walk a bit - you must be cold." He pointed to my dress. "It's alright." I replied with a shrug. He looked me over and asked worriedly, "Are you asleep?" "Yes." I lied. He raised an eyebrow and said, "You're a miserable liar." "Why are we here, Malio?" we reached the foyer of the chapel.

He leaned against the wall and was silent for a moment. I waited. Waited for him to finally say what was going on.

"It doesn't work anymore," he finally said. "What do you mean?" I replied, even though my heart was already beating faster. "You know what I mean." He replied while avoiding my gaze. "Are you serious?" His jaw tightened. "Do I look like I'm kidding?" He retorted a tad harder. "Why?" "Why what?" "Why are you doing this to me?" I fought back the tears, not wanting to get weak again.

"Because I'm tired of you!" His words hit me hard and unexpected.

"Malio..", my voice broke. "What? Did you think we were serious?" The harshness of his words brought tears to my eyes. They ran silently down my cheeks as he continued to stare at me blankly.

Was he really that fucked up?

When he pushed off the wall and was about to leave without another word, I stopped him. I blindly grabbed his hand and to my own amazement, he stopped - allowing me to clasp my hand in his.

"Jolien..." he said warningly. "Why?" "Jolien." "Tell me why!" I yelled angrily. I heard him sigh before slowly turning around.

"Can you really take it?" he asked challengingly. "You wanted me your love.." "Shut up!" Malio yelled angrily and freed himself from my hand with a single movement. I took a step back and bumped into a small table.

Malio took a step towards me.

He grabbed my hips, pressing me harder against the table. "One last kiss." He said more to himself than to me. "Malio..", the remaining words were lost between his lips. I longingly slipped my hands into his thick, black hair. I parted my lips willingly, sighing contentedly as our tongues met.

He pulled away from me, panting, laying his forehead against mine. "Nothing - I feel absolutely nothing," he said coldly, although his eyes said something else entirely.

"Please don't!" I begged again - I knew I was begging, but I didn't care. A prospect of life without him made me do anything.

"You were a pastime," he repeated his father's words. He closed his eyes one last time, exhaled deeply, and turned on his heel. "Wait!" Nothing.

He had already reached the door's blade when I made one last, desperate attempt. "Malio!" He paused.

"Was it all just for show? Everything?" Silence.

"Your weakness, your begging disgusts me," he said coldly, without turning around, saying something that inevitably broke my heart.

Into thousands of small pieces... Into pieces that no one else could ever put together again.

I made no further attempt to stop him.

What for? He had made his point of view, his point of view, clear.

I was amazed to see how silent tears were still running down my cheeks.

That after all this time, after all the tears I'd already shed for Elena, I was still able to produce more here and now - and couldn't stop doing it - surprised me a bit.

The human body was already a phenomenon.

The soft ringing of the bells startled me. I had completely forgotten about the funeral.

With shaky legs, I took a step towards the half-open door Malio had just disappeared out of, only to brace myself against the wall at the last minute, feeling like the ground was going to be ripped out from under my feet at any moment.

I breathed against the blackness and the unnatural, dancing dots of white that had formed in my mind's eye. Tried to win the fight against the dizziness, against the dizziness.

Maybe the last few days were just too much and my body started to rebel against the mental pain and the lack of sleep. Whatever it was that led to the dizzy spell, I won the fight and straightened up. My legs were still shaking, but I managed to take a few steps.

The ringing of the bells, which grew louder, announced that the funeral was about to begin, which almost forced me to quicken my steps.

I spotted my father's car and looked around for him, Silia and Amelie, it took me a few seconds to orient myself through the thick snowflakes that had started falling from the sky in an overcast veil.

Almost Maoist that such a beautiful sight was the setting for something so sad.

Finally I spotted Amelie, waving, waiting at the chapel entrance holding my father's hand.

I pushed my way between a few dark-clad people, returning the nod I was given here and there from someone who didn't look familiar.

My father pulled me into a tight hug, which finally made me think I must look awful.

The waterproof mascara was probably peeling off my lashes and hanging in thick clumps around my thin lashes - but even I didn't care. I didn't care that I was most likely making the most pitiful impression of anything standing around.

Everything didn't matter.

The Void had returned - which had banished Malio's apparition for a brief moment.

I felt my father pulling me into the interior of the chapel.

He led me straight into the first row - I looked at him confused. "That's how you want it," he said quietly as he sat down on the bench next to Silia, who was already waiting for us. I stood in front of the line, undecided - it didn't feel right.

"Darling, she would have wanted it that way - you were like a sister to her, like a daughter to us." Mr. Smith had broken away from the condolences to gently but firmly push me into line.

"I'm sorry." "It's not your fault." I wiped new tears from my eyes and fought the urge to scan the chapel for one last glimpse of Malio.

Again I only thought of him. wanted to see him. Wanted to feel the calm that the sight of him triggered in me every time. Even now, when he really didn't intend to anymore.

Would you know my name?

If I saw you in heaven.

Would it be the same?

If I saw you in heaven.

The chorus sounded - finally forced those standing around to take their places.

The start of the music and the smile that Elena threw at me in the large picture that her parents had set up in the middle, next to a huge wreath of flowers, inevitably led to more tears streaming down my face.

I gasped - fighting back tears. But the attempt was drowned out in a fresh wave of sadness as Mrs. Smith grabbed my hand and Amelie crawled onto my lap to wipe the tears from my cheeks.

I must be strong.

And carry on.

Cause I know I dont belong.

Here in heaven.

Damned. This funeral was worse than I thought it would be.

I breathed raggedly, trying to suppress all the feelings that wanted to fight out in the form of hot tears.

"Don't cry - I'm here." Amelie said as she sat on my lap and cupped my face in her little hands.

Which only made things worse. Because this simple, loving gesture from my little sister only made me cry even more.

"It's okay.", I brought out in a tear-choked voice. But she didn't pay any attention to my words, but undeterred wiped the tears from my face. Maybe she just didn't understand me because my voice was shaking so much.

Beyond the door.

Theres peace, Im sure.

And I know therell be no more

Tears in heaven.

Would you know my name?

If I saw you in heaven.

Would you be the same?

If I saw you in heaven.

I must be strong.

And carry on.

Cause I know I dont belong.

Here in heaven.

The end of the song sounded and heralded the next 45 minutes, which were to be incredibly difficult for me.

45 minutes in which the loss really became tangible.