Sixteen

KATHERINE

When I arrived home, dad wasn't around. Rachel had told me he was waiting for me but he had an urgent call and had to hurry to work and probably won't be coming home. My thought of getting answers from him failed again, I might leave here tomorrow before he gets back.

It was just Rachel and me all alone in the house. She had prepared my favorite food for me, which I ate hastily because I was famished.

While eating, we got to bond deeper than last time; she had told me how she met my father. She told me dad wasn't in his right state of mind when she met him, he was looking so lost and broken.

At first, he didn't want to give her an opportunity in his life, he kept saying he has a daughter and wouldn't know if the daughter would accept another mother but as time went on, he began growing soft for her.

Rachel also told me so many times he would come home sad and drunk because he wasn’t allowed to see his daughter, but now he is excited and happy because I was here. She had pleaded with me to give him time for him to open up and not pressure him.

“It wasn't a great time for your dad; he has to endure a lot of things. I could always see the pain in his eyes and I wasn't able to help, I'm glad you came through. Does your mother know that you are seeing your dad right now?” she asked and I shook my head.

”She doesn't know, and I want to tell her but I don't know how to without causing a fuse. She hates dad and I don't know why, she wouldn't tell me the reason. Just the same way you and dad are hiding it from me. I wonder when you all will acknowledge me as a grown up and actually tell me what's wrong. I'm the one affected by all of this” I told her, I couldn't control the tears that have been holding back ever since we began the discussion.

“I understand what you are going through and-"

“You don’t and you will never understand" I snapped at her, “Do you have an idea how it feels be deprived of love and affection, a constant reminder to study daily, no hanging out with friends because I have to get good grades and fend for myself because people like my dad are not to be trusted. To have all your life based on school, library, books, and books. Not being able to watch the latest movie or listen to music without being yelled out to study and not go below 96 in marks and make sure I top everything because I have to be dependent on me and not on men"

I allowed the tears to flow willingly and Rachel just stood still and allowed me to pour my heart to her, everything I have been holding in all came pouring out with no filter.

“I didn't even go to my prom party because I have to prepare for college even with my scholarship. If I'm seen with my phone when it was reading time, I would be yelled at and called names because of dad. I haven't gone on a date or movie night. I didn't even go on school trips, all because dad left us, broke her, and refused to take responsibility for the daughter he birthed. Now I'm here with dad and I'm being taken care of, seeing a whole lot of different things from what my mum had said. It's confusing, neither of them telling me anything and I'm just… just lost in the middle.”

“Katherine, I-”

“No please don't, don't tell me you understand. Their actions have messed up everything about my life, I can't even… I don't even like guys because I'm scared that I will end up meeting someone like my dad who would wake up one day and just leave me and my future kids, I'm scared of even thinking of marriage or wanting to settle down… oh that aspect is way too high for me right now let me take it down. I don't want to date anyone, I don't want to be seen with a guy, and I don't want to even associate with them because I'm scared. I'm fucking scared that everything will crumble before me and I will end up like my mum, alone, manipulative, and won't love their child because all they want from them is to grow up be successful, rich, and famous…”

“...famous to the point that nothing else matters in the world, just money and me. Then when Katie tries to tell me that I shouldn't see the world from my mom's perspective, the universe decides to throw a player down my path, who I know doesn't even love me but wants my body. How the fuck do I deal with that and then you tell me you understand me. I doubt you do.”

I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes when I remembered what mum had told me ‘don't let the world see you cry, they will think you are weak and feast on your weakness,’ I shouldn't be weak before my stepmom, I don't know what might happen if she would really feast on my weakness and used it against me just as mum had said.

“I'm sorry Rachel; I shouldn't have lashed at you like that. Can we pretend that this didn't happen, I never said anything to you and you didn't hear anything from me" I told her.

“But Katherine you-”

“It's better this way, thank you. I will be in my room; I have some readings to do. I don't want my grades to decrease, I need to be perfect. See you tomorrow” I told her, I was about to leave when she grabbed my hand and pulled me towards her for a hug.

“Don't push me away baby, it's okay to feel weak, to feel sad, to feel heartbroken. You don't have to shoulder everything on your own. I'm not your mum, to me you are free to slack off, fail one or two courses, and it's okay. You are human; you are not allowed to be perfect. You are young and you have a bright future, you are just twenty, don't wear this sadness on your face and drive everyone that wants to be friendly. Don't hate guys because of your parents, and don't feel the need to isolate yourself from the world. Mistakes are allowed, it's what builds us to become better and good”

Rachel said as she soothes my back, “so for today, you are allowed to be broken, you are allowed to be free. So cry if you want, yell if you want to, and don’t hold it. Just let it all out. I will be here to console you; I will be here to guide you in every step you want to take. That's the least I can do for you”

That was the confirmation I needed, the right words I wanted to hear but didn't get the choice to hear, the words that someone was there to catch me when I fall and help me back to my feet again.

I allowed myself to be broken for just today as the tears streamed down my eyes, I was going to give myself just a day of freedom because Rachel was there to patch me up and bring me back up again.