THIRTY FOUR

The sound of his voice on the other end of the phone ends up taking my breath away, and the cloud nine I'm riding on falls to the ground. My emotions come into conflict, and I'm not sure which one is correct. Part of me is happy to hear a familiar voice on the phone, while another part recalls everything Romina revealed.

I'm on the phone with both the first and last people I want to talk to, and I'm not sure what to say. If he hadn't been the source of my grief, he would've been the first person I'd called for comfort, but he is the source. He is the sole cause of this disaster, and he had the ability to stop it at any time, but he did not. Jordan made his bed, and now he must face the consequences of his actions. He does not merit my time or attention.

"How did you come up with this number?" And why are you bothering to call me? " I yell angrily.

It's suddenly difficult to breathe, and every breath I take feels like a labored exercise as I force myself to confront Jordan once more. My lungs are on fire, but I know I'll lose my cool if I don't get everything off my chest and out into the open while I still have the chance. I only have one chance to say what I need to say because my heart will not allow me to go through this again.

"You know what, don't answer because it doesn't matter. We have nothing to talk about right now. Romina told me everything. Believe me when I say she went out of her way to explain how you're just using me to get back at her, and how Andrew is your son. I'm not sure where Jonas fits into all of this, but it's no longer my problem. What kind of jerk would do such a thing to some other person? You generally targeted and manipulated me into your sick little game, and I didn't deserve it. If you wanted to play cat and mouse with Romina, you could have left me out of it."

"If you'll allow me to explain, Aliyah, you'll see it's nothing like you think it is," he says. "Please give me the benefit of the doubt."

I run my fingers through my hair angrily, fighting the temptation to pull it out.

Perhaps the pain of that will be less painful than the pain in my heart right now.

"You don't have to clarify anything to me," I argue, but even I can hear the deception in my tone of voice. I try to hold back my tears, but a strangled sob escapes my lips.

"I surrendered myself to you, Jordan. I welcomed you into my heart and body. All you did was take advantage of me! To be honest, we don't have anything to talk about. What you did was heinous and unforgivable."

"You're entitled to be upset," he says. "I should have told you about Romina as soon as I discovered you worked for her."

"Is that correct? You've been deceiving me all along. I assumed you were distant because of Jonas or something related to your business, but I had no idea it was because of Romina.  I'd accept you ignoring me once you found out I was a nanny, but this takes the cake," I say, pacing the room. "Not to mention you've allowed me to care for your son, and you didn't say anything about it. I treated Andrew as if he were my own."

The idea of Andrew hits me like a punch in the stomach. I'll never again look into those big green eyes or run my fingers through his soft dark curls. Who will make sure he has his elephant and not his giraffe during nap time, and who will pretend to bite his toes when he first wakes up?

It's all gone... Andrew, Jordan... everything... it's all gone, and my heart feels like it's being squeezed. I wouldn't wish this pain, this grueling destruction, on my worst enemy. In a matter of days, my entire world has crumbled around me.

My mind begs him to say something, anything, to make me feel better. I want him to inform me it's a lie and that I'm completely mistaken, but I know the truth.

"I'm not sure what Romina said to you, but I want to approach this with a level head. You may not believe me, but I have proof that I'd like you to see."

"Clear evidence of what, exactly?"  I inquire. "I don't need proof to see what a liar you are and how you took advantage of me." Why didn't you tell me from the start? You went too far, way too far. I'm not a toy; I'm a human being with actual emotions, and I deserve much better. Jordan, I really thought you cared about me."

I lost the fight with myself, and the floodgates of tears open. The sobs are uncontrollable as I finally let out the pent-up anger and sadness that had been building up inside of me for days.

I did nothing to deserve this. I was great with Romina and even better with Andrew. If nothing else, I regret confronting Jordan Jordan. I should have reported him and moved on, but I didn't. This heartbreak was caused by my big mouth. This is something I did to myself.

"Aliyah... Aliyah, please speak up," he says. "Please, please, please don't cry."

My mouth opens and closes a few times, but I can't bring myself to say anything else. Instead of saying anything, I sit on the edge of the bed, shaking and crying.

Everything about this is incorrect. I thought I could face him, but I was wrong; this hurts too much.

"Please accept my apologies. I'm so sorry, Aliyah," he apologizes softly.

I hear him, but his words may as well be deafening. In my opinion, his apology is hollow. This is the second time I've found myself in this situation with him apologizing, and it's officially gotten old.

Sorry isn't going to mend my broken heart or get me back on track at work. Sorry isn't going to mend the rift I've created with Romina and Andrew. Sorry doesn't work for me right now.