Reckless and Stupid

4. Reckless

🤍🖤🤍 Natalie 🤍🖤🤍

I usually avoid parties. That explains the surprised faces when they see me there. Riley says it’s because I look stunning. I catch up with some old acquaintances I know from race competitions in town. After a while, West parts with us to join his team. I sit with Riley in a corner, enjoying my drink, pondering my plans for the night.

“Let’s go for games over there” She eyes a corner with beer pong going on.

“Shoot!” I say instead, as I notice Norris heading towards us. Riley grins as she follows my gaze.

“Care for a dance, Natalie?” He asks. I glance at the dance floor. There is barely any space to stand, let alone dance. The thought of sweaty bodies makes me shudder.

“I... I cannot leave Riley alone...”

Please back me up, Riley... Save me...

“Oh, don’t worry! I have to use the restroom,” and just like that she takes off.

Talk about a back-stabbing bitch.

But soon my annoyance fades. Because I have to say I actually enjoy my time dancing with Norris.

“I am glad you came tonight... Made my night better.” He says after a while, leaning in and closing the distance. His words make me feel bad about leading him on. If I make my relationship with West public, such situations wouldn’t arise.

As I glance at my watch and notice Riley has been gone for too long. I excuse myself from Norris to call her. When she doesn’t answer, I call West. He doesn’t answer either. After a while, I finally notice them going out of the house together. I call them again but they cannot hear me because of the damn music. I follow them out in confusion. Are they leaving without me?

As I follow them outside, I ignore that West is pulling her closer and His hands wandering all over her waist. As they near his car, he turns her towards himself. His hands tracing her body, finally reaching her face. I know what’s about to happen. I know I am not prepared to see this. But still, I freeze in my spot as he cups her cheeks and kisses her. I tear my gaze just in time. But not before I see him fumbling to open the door to get them in the back seat. The same spot where I and West made love so many times.

I rush back inside, But I can’t unsee what I saw. My mind cannot stop concluding the obvious. They have been sleeping together…

It wasn’t their first time.

Riley wasn’t shocked or reluctant.

I rarely join them at parties. They probably do this often. God knows for how long…

So many emotions hit me at once. Doubt, shame, confusion... I feel ugly and worthless. I grab a drink or two to numb myself and stare at a blank space on the wall trying to process the betrayal and heartbreak I am feeling right now. As I go for another drink, I hear a voice behind me.

“Go easy there...” Someone stands way too close to me. I glance towards him but don’t object. I have seen him at school but don’t know his name.

“Why do you care? It might serve you some purpose.” I tell him while taking a gulp. He takes a hint and wraps his arm around my waist.

“Good point!” He smirks. “But I don’t like sloppy girls in bed.” He closes the distance between us, if that was even possible.

I know this is wrong, dangerous, and reckless, but somehow it seems irrelevant right now. As if nothing can hurt me as much as West has hurt me. As if sleeping with someone else will restore my self-worth. He steers me towards one of the bedrooms and I hesitantly go along with him. My head is reeling from all the memories I shared with West. Times when he told me I was beautiful. Times when he held me for hours. Times when he made me smile. We were meant to be together. We were meant to know each other better. But he is with someone else and I am about to do the same.

He tries to open a door, but it’s locked. He takes me to a corner and pushes me against the wall and says, “I guess we will have to manage here for sometime…”

He pulls my dress up and pushes his hand into my panty and says, “We could enjoy ourselves here while waiting…” I don’t react as if I am watching myself from a distance. I can imagine West doing the same to Riley too. Maybe even more.

As he strokes my folds with his fingers, I cannot help but imagine if West is fucking Riley right now?

Suddenly, a voice falls into my ears. “She’s drunk, you asshole! Leave her alone!” Norris says.

“She is mine to fuck tonight,” the guy objects.

“She isn’t going anywhere with you.” Norris pushes that guy away from me and pulls my dress down. Not sure who he is to make that decision for me, but words don’t come out of my mouth to raise an objection. Either I am too drunk to understand what they are arguing about or that guy lets me go easily. Norris grabs my hand and starts taking me out of the house. He says something, but I cannot make it out. I am fairly intoxicated and emotional to understand anything, and the music is deafening. My head pounds and I puke as we reach his car in the parking lot. He hands me a water bottle from his car. After a few minutes, I cannot help but glance towards West’s car. The thought of them still being in there sobers me up.

“That was reckless, you know? Are you stupid or something?” Norris tells me.

I am stupid indeed. They were probably hanging out together in the summer. Talking to each other and I thought they were just too busy to meet me. I was too stupid to connect the dots. To understand the obvious. Did West simply want to sleep with me? All those promises. All that trust. Was he simply lying? Is this what everyone wants?

“Are you even listening to me?”

“What do you want from me, Norris?” I look at him sharply.

“What?”

“Why are you so fucking nice? I don’t even pay attention to you. You must want something.”

“Jesus!! I just saved you from that creep. Do you even know who he is?”

For some reason, Norris confronting me reminds me of West. How he always finds faults in me. Especially when I am about to confront him. He always deflects. I am sure when I confront him tonight, he will somehow put blame on me. Probably will tell me I didn’t pick up his call last night or didn’t kiss him back tonight. The thought itself makes me furious. I know Norris isn’t at fault. He is the one who probably saved me, but him standing in front of me makes me angry at him. I have an urge to burst my emotions right now. The whole freaking summer break last week, and now finally this night! I have had so much anger simmering inside me for so long. So much hurt. I want to hurt someone back.

“Did you save me so you could fuck me? Or do you need a blow job here?” I glance around to imply the empty parking lot.

He is taken aback at first, then shakes his head in disgust, “I was about to drop you home. But you know what? I don’t want a bitch in my car anymore!” He paces away but turns after a few steps. “I am calling West. Don’t go whoring around while you are drunk.”

I chuckle dryly at myself. Such a gentleman. Tears finally come out of my eyes. I walk towards the park nearby to cry myself out.

5. Stupid

🤍🖤🤍 Natalie 🤍🖤🤍

I ignore their calls and messages for a while and silently cry on a park bench. I stiffen when some boys from the party make their way towards me.

“Isn’t she the one who was making out with James?”

“Yea… but Norris pulled her away. Shame! It was a nice show going on...”

Soon enough, Riley leaves me a frantic voicemail. So I text Riley to meet me near the car. I need to get away from this group of boys. I get up and walk towards them, trying to compose myself to go home.

“I could show you a good time. Give me a chance!” a boy suggests, trying to pace with me.

“What about us?” someone asks him.

“uhmm! We all could run a train if she agrees.”

As I reach the parking lot they see West, Riley, and Norris standing there and they leave me alone. Norris takes off as soon as he sees me. Riley hugs me and asks, “Where were you? Norris said you weren’t being yourself..”

“I am not in the mood, Riley. Maybe tomorrow...” I tell her. As I sit in the front seat, I control my urge to puke. The car reeks of sweat and sex. I wish I hadn’t gone mad at Norris for no reason. Then I could have avoided sitting in this car or near both of them. West is livid. I can see it on his face. I wonder if Norris told him anything.

“Of all the things in the world, Natalie, I never expected this from you.” He says, shaking his head. I am not even sure what he is talking about? Me trying to sleep with someone while drunk or me wandering off in the park while drunk and alone.

But I want to tell him. Of all the things in the world, I never expected this from you either West. You sleeping with my friend. At the same time, I don’t want to hurt Riley. I spat so much venom at Norris already, So I keep my mouth shut.

“Drop her first. I need to talk to you,” I tell West as I see him taking the route to my house. There is heavy silence in the car. But he follows.

“I called you last night, but you didn’t answer,” He says after dropping Riley.

I stay quiet.

“You know how difficult you can be sometimes. Last time when I missed your call, you gave me hell.”

I don’t say how he has been avoiding me for weeks. It doesn’t matter anymore.

“and tonight... Do you have any fucking idea what could have happened? Norris saved you and you still gave him a hard time. You can be a real bitch sometimes. You know that!”

I cannot stay quiet anymore. “You mean when you ignored me for the whole summer and I confronted you? And YOU… It was you who yelled at me!” I ignore his point about Norris. I won’t let him linger on my mistakes tonight.

“GOD!! Don’t tell me you are still stuck on that!” He shakes his head. “You know what! Let’s give us a break for a week or two. We can talk again once you can think clearly.”

Here it is again. A silent treatment ultimatum. He drives me home in silence. Tension is thick between us. But I have had enough. This needs to be over. Tonight. I wait until he pulls over in front of my house.

“So I see you like her?” I finally ask.

“What?”

“I saw you two in the back seat. I hope you had fun.”

He doesn’t say anything. I try to read his expression. Is he even ashamed? After all this time, we were together. We shared so much. How could he just start sleeping with someone else? That too Riley? I wonder if he plans to play games with her, too. Like he did with me.

“So you two gonna keep things hidden or gonna make things public?” I ask him, trying to keep the hurt in my voice hidden.

He sighs, “I like her Nat. I have always liked her. I have been trying to tell you about it. But you keep mentioning that God-Damn fight!” He ignores my question. But reality hits me hard. I still want him and aching that he chose her.

Tears burn my eyes. I knew this would happen. But it’s still hard to believe that it’s happening to me at this very moment. I was stupid to expect we could fix things tonight. He moved on a long time ago and I didn’t even know.

I somehow manage to ask without my voice cracking, “Then what the hell are we West?”

West turns his head in confusion and asks, “What do you mean?” My heart cracks a little more. “We never were in a relationship, Nat. Wasn’t it clear?”

My cheeks burn with embarrassment, and I swallow hard. So all this time I was living an illusion? Yes, it wasn’t official. But no, it wasn’t clear. Why would he tell me, ‘we are better than that?’ when we saw other couples.

I get out of the car and rush towards my house. I don’t want him to see me cry. I cried enough over him the last few weeks. I cried enough in the park tonight.

I knew.

I knew something was wrong. I kept giving myself false hopes.

I was stupid. So fucking stupid.

As I change my clothes, my head rushes with so many thoughts at once. ‘We are better than that.’ Because we ain’t in a relationship? Is this he wanted to tell me? What are we?

Best friends with benefits?

As my phone rings with his call. I cannot help but break into a sob. I am good enough to share all his secrets. Good enough to sleep with him but not good enough for a relationship. Not good enough for others to know. He had told me we would tell others about us after the summer break. Why would he say that if we weren’t in a relationship? Was he just gaslighting me all this time?

He calls me several times, but I lay next to my phone and cry myself to sleep. I don’t want to be manipulated anymore. I won’t talk to him.