Dopamine

63. Dopamine

🤍🖤💜 Jacob 💜🖤🤍

It was a mistake to go into my room after Dad belittled me. I wish I had gone out of the house instead. But I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing our conversation bothered me.

I go into my room and try to process everything I just heard from him. His warning. Name-calling. His disdainful tone… laced with disappointment.

Instances like this are not common, but when it happens, it widens the crack in our relationship a little more each time. Still, it doesn’t sting any less when I see how differently he treats me.

I love June to death. But on days like this, I cannot help but envy her.

I could have kept my mouth shut about being bisexual. But for some reason, it felt important to profess. Even if it meant he would hate me more.

Nothing seems to get his approval, anyway. So what’s the point of hiding?

Barely five minutes later, Mom comes into my room.

“Jacob… Honey... These things are not natural. Just give it some time, Ok? I am sure it’s just a phase.”

I get up from bed in agitation and say, “God… Mom, Please… STOP! Just Stop!”

Out of anger, unintentionally, my voice goes louder. Dad comes into my room.

“If you can’t live like a civilized person, just leave! No one will stop you.” He tells me in a cold voice.

With grandma gone, no one is around to take my side. He knows it and doesn’t miss a chance to show it.

I grab my bag and put a few pairs of clothes in it.

Mom gasps,”You don’t have to go anywhere. Please, Jacob, calm down.”

I am angry at her. I wish she would shield me from Dad on days like this. Defend me. Stand with me. Instead of asking me to fucking calm down.

She does favor June. A lot. But I know she doesn’t hate me like him. Everything she said to me a few minutes ago is out of sheer ignorance. This is why I don’t want to hurt her or stress her out. So I say, “I am just going away for a few days. So things can calm down here.”

To be honest, I cannot breathe with tension so thick. It’s suffocating. I need space and a calm mind to think.

Dad snorts.

As I walk out of the house. I hear mom and dad start arguing. But at this point, I simply don’t care.

When I am getting in the car, June comes to me and says, ”Dad was drunk when you talked to him. He has been under so much stress lately. I am sure he wouldn’t have said these things if he wasn’t drinking.”

She is right; he is usually considerate. Probably drinking in the afternoon did impair his judgment and he couldn’t hold his tongue. But, deep inside, I know he meant it. Every single word. Alcohol only made it easy for him to say.

“I know...” I say.

What else can I tell my little sister?

She shouldn’t have to defend her father. I give her an assuring smile and drive away.

On my way to our old house, my mind cannot stop whirling. I turn 18 in two months. What will I do if he indeed throws me out of the house? I didn’t apply for colleges based on a sports scholarship. I wanted to do a chemistry major. Hockey and chemistry don’t go hand to hand.

If he indeed pulls the rug under my feet. I need to figure out if I want a Hundred Thousand worth of education loan on my head or If I should apply for college under my hockey scholarship. I would have to abandon chemistry for good. Although I am not even sure if I will get accepted this late.

My mood turns grimmer as I think of all possible scenarios. Most of them are not in my favor.

So when I saw Natalie at the door, I was baffled, but a sense of relief came over me. I wasn’t alone in losing myself in the downward spiral of future worries anymore. I wasn’t expecting anyone to come and talk to me or comfort me. Those little comforts are long gone with Grandma. Natalie wasn’t even on my mind. Even though we aren’t talking much right now, there is a comforting silence.

and I am loving it.

Stealing a glance at her face in soft candlelight is giving me a tiny shot of dopamine every minute. It was the last thing I expected on this stressful day.

“I will drop you home if that’s what you are worried about..” I don’t want her to leave, but I still assure her. I can see she is hesitant and curious if I will go home.

“Thanks... I... I wasn’t thinking when I came here... You probably needed some time alone... I am sorry...”

I frown and say, “Don’t be... It means a lot that you came to see me.”

“Just let me know when you want to leave. I will drop you,” I add after a pause.

She looks at me intently. “When do you want me to leave?”

I chuckle, then I say with caution. “If it was up to me, I would have asked you to stay for the night.”

I hope she doesn’t get offended.

“Alright.” She says and I frown.

“For the night it is.” She clarifies.

I suddenly feel the heat rushing through my body. I clear my throat and nod.

I am so thankful the room is dark with a dim candle illuminating the room. It’s helping me hide something sleazy I don’t want her to see.

“But you will have to wake up early and drop me off. Dad doesn’t know I am not home.”

My eyes widen at the realization. “Your dad will kill me if he figures this out.”