Chaos
— One Year Ago—
— Before Summer Break—
🤍🖤🤍 Natalie 🤍🖤🤍
“Show them to me!” I demand the phone from him.
“Why?” He teases me with the phone up my head.
I try to get up to grab it but he holds me down in his lap. Then he brushes his nose against my neck from behind and I shrink away with a tickle.
Click!
I look at phone in surprise.
Click!
I cover my breasts with my arms.
“Don’t! Delete that one! My boobs were showing.”
Click!
“Is this better?”
“Nooo” I scowl… “It’s obvious we aren’t wearing anything.”
“But nothing is showing here right?”
“Delete it!!”
“Nope!”
“Delete the indecent ones Please…”
He chuckles and says, “Sure…” And leans in for a kiss.
I bring my face closer to him.
Click!
I push the phone away and kiss him back.
102. Chaos
— Present Day—
🤍🖤🤍 Natalie 🤍🖤🤍
I sit in the middle of the presentation hall looking at the very pictures West took that morning. Tears simmer in my eyes as each and every detail of my last night with West replay in front of me.
I swallow hard and look up to see if I could get out of here right now.
These images have resurfaced so many suppressed memories, I simply refused to acknowledge after break-up with him. It was too painful of a realization, Something I didn’t want to believe.
West had decided to leave me weeks before summer break. His admitting that he will miss me and taking pictures to keep memories was his way of saying goodbye. He just didn’t have the balls to admit it to my face.
I just wish he had told me. It would have reduced some pain and misery that dragged the whole summer break and afterwards. It would have saved me from the shock I got that night. It would have saved me from making the emotional and reckless decisions I made that night.
The rumors wouldn’t have followed, and so much more.
I watch blankly at the girl, answering the questions. But I cannot hear her. My vision is blurred as tears pool in my eyes. I blink and a tear slips down my cheek. I wipe it away quickly.
Few more minutes. I take a deep breath in a futile attempt to calm myself.
As I sit there patiently, I cannot help but wonder if West had decided to leave me after we slept together that night or if he wanted to sleep with me one more night before leaving me for good. Although it doesn’t matter. I would have felt used either way.
It was my fault to care for him so deeply that I didn’t care about my feelings and my own body. I submitted to him when he needed me.
Every. Single. Time.
But then again... Probably it didn’t matter to him. I didn’t matter. Even now, he is lusting over my body. He doesn’t give a damn about me.
My phone vibrates again, and I come out of my downward spiral of painful memories. Only to read something even more hurtful.
June: ‘I fucking hate you. Why did you drag my brother into it if you wanted to sleep around?’
I feel a lump in my throat.
Jacob doesn’t know.
June is right to be so furious. She is looking out for his brother. She doesn’t know the truth.
Nobody does.
I look at the images again. There is no way to tell the pictures are old. He will think I am cheating on him. And the title…
Oh God…
I didn’t realize…
Whoever did this made sure it seems like the pics are recent.
The pictures with bruises on West’s face are not there. Only the clear side of his face is showing. I tap my foot anxiously and a few fellow students glance at me. I get up and excuse myself out of the hall. I cannot wait any longer. My throat is getting tighter with every passing minute and it’s becoming harder to breathe, as if I am reeling from the pain of a breakup.
I rush outside trying to find a corner, some privacy to call him… but there is none. Students are swarming around me trying to get to their classes. I have to talk to Jacob. West ruined so many things for me. I cannot let him ruin my relationship with Jacob too.
Jacob trusts me, though. He will believe me when I tell him the truth.
The phone rings and rings, and to my dismay, he cuts my call. I feel a pit in my stomach as I read the text he sends me.
Jacob: ‘I don’t think I can look at your face or hear your voice again Natalie...’
No!
No No No…
This isn’t supposed to happen.
Me: ‘Please pick the call-
As I type, I see messages from Jacob pop up on my screen and my heart cracks a little.
Jacob: ‘I believed in you, Natalie. I ignored everything I heard about you… And I believed in you. Guess I was wrong... Look how it blew up in my face now.’
Jacob: ‘I thought I was damn lucky to have you. God! I was such a fool.’
A lone tear slips down my cheek and fingers shiver on the screen, but I type my reply to him.
‘Please pick the call and listen to me for once. Just once.’
I want to give up in defeat. My heart aches at the fact that he doesn’t trust me. But I have to try. I cannot let West control my life one more time. I have to fight for him. I call him again and this time he does pick up.
“Natalie… “ His voice sounds hoarse.
“Jacob!” I feel a wave of relief as I hear him.
He chuckles humorlessly, “I am really curious what can you say to explain this...”
My sense of relief fades away. His laughter sounds like mocking.
“But before you even try, let me tell you. I knew this was coming.” He adds before I can say anything.
“What?” I ask, almost shocked. My explanation and reasoning die on my lips.
“I knew... Fuck. I trusted you. I was so fucking blind and ignored the obvious…”
“Wh.. what are you saying?” I swallow hard and ask.
Is there a reason he doesn’t trust me? Did I do something unknowingly?
“I know you were talking to West! He came to see you in the closet. Did you sleep with him there too?”
“What? Wait, Jacob…” I say in bewilderment. Trying to recall. Is he talking about the day I had a breakdown in school? How does he know West came there to see me?
He doesn’t clarify or stop to listen to me. “That morning.. When we spend the night together. You got that message. It was West. Wasn’t it?’
I close my eyes in pain as I hear those words.
“Say It!”
“Yes… but-” I breathe out. But I didn’t go to see him!
He cuts me in the middle. “God, I kept telling myself you’re probably trying to patch up some old difference or trying to be friends again or something…”
He laughs again. It’s that mocking laugh again. I have never heard him like this.
“If the images hadn’t leaked, you would have happily continued this in college as well.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, trying to keep hurt and anger out of my voice.
“Oh, I know you two applied for the same college. This is why you change your mind about long distance. This is why you don’t want me in same college… And I guess, this is why you didn’t want me to beat West. Probably you wanted to patch up with him yourself by sleeping with him. Right?”
I feel a sharp pang of pain in my chest. This is really how he thinks of me. I stay quiet and listen to him. Just to see how deep his distrust and disdain is.
“I kept giving you the benefit of doubt again and again… Natalie, I noticed when you lied! And you lied all the goddamn time!”
“I did not!“
“You lied by omission, “he grits his teeth.
I feel furious at his words. Too angry to even answer. My mouth feels as dry as cotton.
“You thought I wouldn’t notice when you vanish every Saturday afternoon. I guess this is when you met him?”
“Answer me!” He snaps.
