Hopelessness

106. Hopelessness

🤍🖤💜 Jacob 💜🖤🤍

Almost a month has already passed and my feelings about Natalie have changed from anger to confusion to utter disappointment and finally I am creeping towards anguish. With each day passing, my hope is fading away.

I probably hurt her way too much. This is why she didn’t contact me.

I am confused, If I should give up too?

…..

That day when I realized I had made a mistake I went to see her.

“She doesn’t want to see you,” Her father had told me.

I didn’t believe him for a second. I knew she must be angry, because I remembered how I had lashed out at her. I felt guilty and ashamed. I ended up doing exactly what Ira had warned me against.

I didn’t trust her and used harsh words.

“Let me talk to her once. There is some misunderstanding….” I plead.

He shaked his head and tried to close the door on my face.

I blocked the door and called her out in desperation, “Natalie!”

I knew her father never liked me, but in that moment I saw how much he hated me. He pushed me hard in anger. I stumbled behind and fell down the door steps.

“You cannot shame her then demand to meet her.” He spat.

I didn’t know! I wanted to yell back at him. I was wrong the way I talked to her but I didn’t know a damn thing!

I wish I hadn’t let the stupid insecurities take over… All she had to do was yell in my face that the pics are old. I would have listened to her.

I swear to God I would have believed her.

I was too heartbroken to realize anything. I wish I could change it.

“How dare you push my son, Relish!” My dad roared and came towards us striding.

“Keep your Goddamn son at your place and don’t you even place a foot on my property!” Her father spat back.

“Stop showing your strengths at a minor you-!”

“Dad!” I stopped him and pulled him towards our home.

On any other day, I would have felt happy that for once dad took a stand beside me. But at this moment, I couldn’t feel anything. My mind couldn’t shake the fact that I couldn’t see her. Deep inside, I was really afraid that she really didn’t want to see me.

Will she ever forgive me?

….

Another day at school ends and I wait in my car. Finally, Riley rushes towards my car and gets in quickly. I have been picking and dropping her home for the last two weeks. I noticed West was stalking her. She didn’t say anything to me but I could see her turn wary whenever he approached her or took the same bus as hers.

When I offered her help, she agreed easily. So I guess West is indeed bothering her.

And Yes… Now everyone thinks I am dating her to get even with West.

She wears her seat belt and says breathlessly, “Let’s go…”

“You Okay, Riley?” I ask her.

She nods, too quickly.

I take a quick glance at her arms and start the car.

No bruises.

…..

“Any news from Natalie…” she asks after a while.

“No… I don’t think she wants to get in touch.”

I feel the dread as I choke the words out of my mouth.

I don’t even know where she is. That day when her father didn’t let me meet her… I thought I would talk to her whenever I spot her outside her house. It didn’t take me long to realize she had left for good.

Riley stays quiet for a moment then says in a breaking voice, “I wish… I wish I had talked to her on the bus that day… I was too heartbroken and hurt to even talk to her…”

She takes a pause then adds, “If I knew she would cut us off for good I would have talked to her… Apologized to her… for not understanding the obvious that West had mistreated her… betrayed her.”

I swallow hard. Riley had explained it to me once. What she gathered from the images and her own memories from a year ago. Although West said they were just fooling around, Riley seemed sure that wasn’t the case.

And this is why she broke up with him.

…..

As I drop her in front of her house, she says, “She had a friend… childhood friend..”

“Ira?”

“Yeah! Ira.. yeah… Do you think we could talk to her?”

I sigh. “She isn’t picking my calls either…”

I think for a moment and say, “I will visit her today.”

Again.

I have visited her twice and just like Amy; she wasn’t ready to talk to me. Even if Natalie doesn’t want me back, I want to apologize to her. Probably pushing myself into her life isn’t the right way to apologize. But I was wronged too.

She didn’t tell me the truth.

She owes me for that!

……………………………………

🤍🖤🤍 Natalie 🤍🖤🤍

……………………………………

I am in my room, tossing in my bed, trying to sleep. Sleep doesn’t come easy here if I don’t practice for a good entire hour or more every day. Seb, our coach, gave us a break today. I wish he hadn’t. Because I am losing control and contemplating things, I shouldn’t. Exhaustion helps me sleep better and gives me little time to think about how miserable I feel every day.

It’s been a few weeks since I came here and it’s been hard. Staying alone isn’t a problem. Before Jacob, I spent most of my time alone, anyway. But I never imagined I would miss everyone so much.

I miss Mom and Dad.

I miss Amy.

I miss school too, which is stupid.

I think I miss school because the routine kept me busy and occupied.

Most of all, I miss Jacob.

Dad was right. I have no self-control.

After everything he said to me, I should be angry at him. But odd enough my anger has placated. Probably because I know he didn’t know the whole truth.

I sigh. This is how I used to think about West too. Giving him excuses how everything isn’t completely at fault.

I am glad he changed my number. Otherwise, I would have called Jacob within a day or two… Or West could have contacted me again.

But Dad kinda went overboard and deleted my socials, too. He gave me my phone back with only three contacts in it. Mom, Dad and Amy.

He didn’t even trust to give me Ira’s number.

“If someone wants to get in touch with you, they can ask me.” He had told me.

It didn’t seem fair, but I didn’t object. After that last incident at school, I feel like I have lost the privilege of objecting and making choices.

Although Why would Ira contact him?

I am not even sure if she has dad’s number. I hope she will understand when I explain the situation to her whenever we meet. I hope I don’t lose her too.

There are seven more students like me in the same program. Three girls and four boys. I have a dorm room for myself. Another two girls share a room. We spend most of the time together. But sometimes it gets too much for me, especially when boys are around. I come back to my dorm room and spend my time alone.

…..

My fingers have been itching to do something I have been actively avoiding to do since last few days.

Hockey matches of the season have reached an interesting point. My school… I mean, my old school is leading so far.

Sometimes I read a news article here, and there to keep myself updated. I will never admit it to anyone, but I look for images very keenly.

There are usually no close ups, but I can see where he is standing. Because of his number 13 jersey, of-course.

After reading the news article, I get a little greedy and search for his Instagram too. He usually doesn’t post anything, but I still want to check.. And I swear to God I don’t stalk him often. It’s only the second time I am checking his profile. But I am missing him too badly today.

When I open his profile, I immediately regret checking it. I throw my phone away and lay on my back, trying to process what I saw.

Is he dating Riley now?