Confession

110. Confession.

🤍🖤💜 Jacob 💜🖤🤍

‘I hope I have already told you everything… If not, please have patience while you read it…’

I stand there holding the envelope, trying to process if she really left me a letter.

“What happened?” Riley asks me and glances at the envelope.

“What can I do for you guys?” The shop attendant asks us.

“I… I will wait for you in the car.” I tell her, and she nods quickly.

……

By the time I get inside the car, my heart is beating so fast I might have a fucking stoke.

What has she written in it?

When did she write it?

How long has it been sitting in this jacket?

I impatiently tear the envelope and pull out the letter she wrote for me. Before even reading it, I feel like crying.

It’s like after so long I finally have got to hold her.

I miss her terribly. Every single day. Guilt doesn’t make my days easy, either.

I am feeling anxious and hopeful at the same time. I know she wrote it before our breakup, but still somehow I feel this is a sign…

A God sent.

…..

‘Okay.. Jacob.. so this is my second attempt. And I hope I get it right this time.

I am not old school like you… So this is the first time!

Like Ever! Ever! Ever! I am writing a letter to someone. I am doing this because I am nervous and exhausted.

Nervous because I am not sure how you will take it.

Nervous because it’s probably not fair on you to unload my burden so I can feel a relief.

Exhausted because I am tired of contemplating and hiding it from you.

Exhausted because I am tired of carrying it alone.

Maybe you already have some idea about it… You have been patient with me and have given me space. You have been so good I sometimes feel I probably don’t deserve you... Especially if I keep things from you...’

I stop reading and take a breath. I know where this letter is headed. I have an idea.

Fuck, she tried to tell me.

I start reading again.

‘...I know I frustrate you sometimes. Believe me, I can see it. I try every day, but one thing or another stops me every time. This is why I am writing this. So I cannot back off again.

There are a few things I want to tell you about...but I guess I will start with the worst ones…

I and West weren’t just good friends. I would say we were rather lovers. At least I thought we were… but I was naïve and stupid to think that way.

I never realized he didn’t see me more than a fuck buddy or worse.. a whore I guess. Believe me, I am not making this up. I called me an easy fuck on my face.

I always believed in him. Trusted him and listened to him. Whatever he said or asked for had an effect on me. So when he called me names… It stayed with me..

I have always been wild and careless, which could explain why it was easy for me to doubt myself. The intensity and vulgarity of rumors didn’t help my confidence, either. I enjoyed my life until that night happened. I faded somewhere after that.

I made some bad choices the night I figured out West was not interested in me but Riley. And those choices haunt and torment me to this day.

By the way, the rumors are not true. It’s embarrassing that I am explaining myself but I get it. If you hear something again and again, it’s easy to doubt what’s true and what’s not. Sometimes I even doubt myself… So I wouldn’t be surprised if others doubted me, too. It hurts to think this way… but we are only human, after all.

I am not sure if I am convincing you or myself.

Anyway… So Next hard topic…

That night I let someone almost rape me....’

I close my eyes. As I am not sure if I can take what she is about to tell me.

‘...Debatable choice of words I know.. I don’t remember what exactly happened, but I agreed to sleep with someone when I was drunk and emotional. It took me months of counseling sessions just to reach and accept the fact that the incident falls under ‘dubious-consent’ aka rape.

I was told accepting it would be the first step towards removing the blame from myself. I was still struggling until I had a big milestone last Saturday. After weeks of effort, I finally told my story to my support group. It lifted some of the weight off my shoulders.

I feel bad that I told this to a bunch of strangers, but not you.

Next thing would probably be the hardest for you to read. But I want to say it anyway. I am sorry for putting you through this…

Attending West’s birthday party was hard for me last night.. I had so many memories of him in that house. It made me confused how I could be with you and still have feelings for him. Which is odd and fucked up in its own way. because believe me, I don’t like his company. He once triggered a panic attack unintentionally. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact how I could be scared of someone and still have feelings for him.

But then you kissed me… and all my confusion faded. I knew what I really wanted. I was told choices matter, and I have chosen you Jacob…

With you, I feel like I am healing and exploring myself again.

I have been feeling this strange love and abundance of affection for you lately. Shame if I haven’t accepted it to your face That I love you.

I love you, Jacob.

If for whatever reason, I haven’t talked to you about these things. Please find me and talk.

I want to open up to you. All the way.

Yours,

Natalie.

…

My eyes are wet, and my hands are shaking holding the letter.

Fuck Natalie…

I place the letter on the dashboard and pinch my eyes to stop myself from sobbing. I hear a knock on the car window and I see Riley looking at me with concern.

I get out and she asks me, glancing at the letter, “Is this her?”

I choke and nod. “Yeah it’s her.”

“Is it good? “ She asks, hopefully.

I chuckle. “Yeah, it’s good. It’s good..”

“I think I should go and meet her.”

Her smile widens.

“It’s her birthday.. I should meet her today… “ I add, and she nods enthusiastically.

“Fuck! Should I go home? To get my stuff.” I am suddenly confused, thinking about so many things altogether.

“No, No! With so much traffic, you will waste more than an hour or two. Just go from here,” She says.

Yeah Right! I can reach there in a few hours.

“How will you go home?”

She chuckled with her eyes wet, ”I can get a cab, Silly! Just Go!"

She gives me the number of a representative, Emma, who contacted her for the runner program. I hope she can give me some info about Natalie.

I get in the car and Riley waves at me Good-Bye. Then drive towards the love of my life. Unsure but with hope in my heart.

……

It takes me more than two hours to reach the university. I call Emma the girl Riley told me about. She asks me to visit Wing B of the Dormitory.

“It’s late. I am not sure if they will allow you in or not.”

“Yes, I understand. Thanks for your help.” I reply while buying some flowers for Natalie.

I wish I had bought something for her at the gift shop.

When I reach the said building, I take a breath of relief when they let me enter the dorm only with a simple check-in. Of course, I lied about who I am. I just hope they don’t throw me out before I can meet Natalie.

“You cannot stay for the night.” The guard grunts and I nod.

My heart is thumping with excitement and anxiety.

After asking around, and finally find her room, but it’s locked.

So I just wait there patiently.

…..

“What are you doing here?” A girl asks. Probably a senior.

Fuck.

“Waiting for my girlfriend.”

I can call her my girlfriend. Right?

She raises a brow at me. “How about calling her instead of waiting in front of her room?” She asks me suspiciously.

“It’s her birthday, I want to surprise her.. “Thank goodness I was smart enough to buy the flowers.

She eyes me. “You are not some Ex or a stalker. Right?”

I flush.

I was anxious the whole ride wondering what if she was dating someone else now? What If I am too late? She wrote that letter two months ago, after all.

Does it make me a stalker ex?

I gamble and ask, “Why don’t you take me to her and we can ask her?”

I am suspicious. She knows Natalie, that’s why she is worried about her.

“Alright lover boy.. What’s her name? And how old she is now?” She crosses her arms and asks me.

I grin. That was easy.

“Natalie Relish… She turns an adult today.”

“Why is she here?”

“A runner program. I can tell her favorite food, color and dress choices too. I know my girl.” I tell her confidently.

She nods approvingly and waves me to come with her, and I follow.