CHAPTER 40: Lost in emotion

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-KARINA-

I FEEL like everything is a dream. Did that really happen? The woman I met was a lesbian. She is not a lesbian because she is a lipstick lesbian. Eh, it’s almost the same.

I had already reached the front of our house when she accompanied me and send me home. Since the car could not enter the alley, I stopped at the corner. I did not allow her to take me to our house directly, which was made of galvanized iron. She might confuse people walking around the corner and might do something bad for her.

When I came home, my brother Christian greeted me.

“Do you have a new lover today?” It surprised me when he said it and accompanied by a frown on his face.

When I finally got inside, I was so shocked when I saw so many grocery bags. Over ten, I think.

Moments later, my cheap cellphone rang. Ms. Celes’ number came out because that’s what I saved.

“Enjoy your meals. I already paid your hospital bill. I just need confirmation from you. When do you need to have your mother’s operation?” I covered my mouth. I never thought she would work this fast.

“Y-You did that?” I could hardly believe my question to her, full of happiness and amusement.

“Yes. Just call me and I’ll pick you up whenever you want.”

It was as if I had won the lottery and I wanted to argue with joy because of what she did.

“Now,” that’s all I said. Which I mean, I’m ready to sign the contract.

I didn’t think she would make everything come true. She is the answer to my mother’s operation. My mother has lumps in her heart and we need to get rid of them early or there will be a heart transplant that will cost more than I expected.

What is happening does not seem to be true.

“Where are you going, Karina?” Christian asked me.

“Stay here. Take care of your sister, Klarisse. I might not go home tonight. You know your sister needs to find the money for the family.”

Christian nodded, understanding what I said. Christian is nineteen and in his first year of college because of K to twelve. I grant the mechanical engineering course he wanted. Klarisse, on the other hand, is in grade ten and may have her course in college soon. I have another brother, Christopher; he is the second who would have been twenty-three this year. But because of the disease, he died. We could not get him treated early from his illness.

I’m twenty-five and I’ve never thought of marriage again. I don’t want to either, because there are no sensible men today. I’m still looking for a job. I used to be a room cleaner, but because of a colleague who set me up, I had allegedly stolen jewelry inside the deluxe room of a four-star hotel; they fired me. I did not even prove to them that I was innocent. So I started stealing and robbing since my mother got sick.

I have also been unemployed for a year and my only income is from pick-pocketing, snatching phones, and robbery, apart from selling fish and seafood in the market. We are only renting the space there in the market. When I don’t have merchandise or I don’t sell, there is no income and we are not paying the rent.

I wanted to finish school. I would have loved to be a teacher, but I don’t know when that will come true because of the life I have lived. My father also died, almost next to my brother. My father had an accident. The tricycle he was riding was hit by a vehicle, hit and run. He fled and my father was dead on arrival that even with funeral expenses; he did not show up to pay for my father. We were forced to sell the tricycle for burial. Since then, our lives have become more difficult. The same year, my brother also died, and we found out he had cancer.

I can say that the arrival of Ms. Celes in my life is a great accident. I need to see her today to seal the deal and to end it all. The truth is, I don’t know when it will end, but I want to finish early. I don’t know what else I will look like to present to my family when they find out what I am doing under my sleeve.

I’m not like her. I am a pure woman. I’m not a lesbian and I don’t shoot women, but in fact, Ms. Celes’ beauty is tempting. A pleasant dream I wish I had. If I had such a beautiful face, I might have gotten all the men in the world. I’m jealous, that’s true because there’s nothing in me to compare to her.

ARRIVING outside, Ms. Celes’ car is waiting. Maybe she hasn’t been able to leave since I came home.

She rolled down the car window as I hesitated to ride.

“Get in,” she said. She even pushes the door open.

I rode next to her and I couldn’t even look at her directly. I’m embarrassed that I’m glad to see her beautiful face.

We were quiet for a while on the ride until we reached the village gate. He took me back to his rest house.

“T-Thank you,” I said shyly not being able to look at her in the eyes.

“The grocery has something in exchange, Karina. It’s not free,” she replied when she got out of the car.

I went down and went straight in to follow her inside the house.

“But I still don’t agree with what you want,” I said behind her.

“What is difficult, the death of the child or what I want?”

I looked up at her. “H-How did you know...”

“I know everything about you,” she said as she took off her blazer. She hung it up.

It exposed her white shoulder to the top of her chest as she was wearing a spaghetti strap top.

I was leaning against the wall as she closed the door and I watched her every move. She indeed hired an investigator because even that she knew almost everything.

Nestor and I had a baby, my boyfriend when I was at the hotel working. He is a room attendant. We dreamed of getting married; I dreamed a lot of being with him. But, a few months before they fired me, I found out I was three months pregnant. He did not want to be responsible until I found out that he was already married and had children. I almost looked a hooker in his eyes, like a family wrecker. I was almost embarrassed. That’s why he doesn’t want to hold responsible and every time I mention marriage, he always diverts the topic and tried his best not to mention anything. I got depressed. It took a few weeks before I came in and it surprised me to have blood on my legs. My colleagues took me to the hospital and told me I had a miscarriage and the baby is gone. Two or three months later, I lost my job. I was fired and charged with a crime I did not commit.

Since then, I have lost trust in men. I don’t want to love again, even if there are people who are flirting with me. I’m not ugly. I’m not a person who always smiles at everyone. I forgot to smile since everything happened in my life. Pure hardship and pain. It’s tiring and sometimes I feel like I don’t want to live anymore.

She walks near to me. My breathing seemed to stop when she looked at me and I followed her gaze. She was looking at my lips. I bite my lips from that stare. He drops the cap I am wearing.

“I can do all I want and I want you to sign the paper, Karina.”

I swallowed hard at her words. She looks like a dominant man. Since she was three or five inches taller than me, I just looked up at her.

I stared into her beautiful pair of eyes. Brown color, I don’t know what kind of brown, but it’s exquisite. Bright as a cat’s eye. Her lips were pinkish, that has no sign of lipstick.

And even if she hides her bre.ast, it almost spits out her spaghetti top. It’s so big like melons. I don’t have that so it seems enviable that she has such big and wonderful watermelons.

My body clung even tighter to lean my back against the wall as she brought her face closer to mine. I could smell her perfume. Earlier I could smell it that looked expensive, but now it was biting my nose.

My heartbeat races. I feel like I have a heart condition, my heart beating so fast. Do I already have heart disease?

I knew I was a woman, but now I was staring at her more closely, with only a hair strand between our faces. She is so beautiful, and I felt I was going to be a tomboy because of her.

She brought both my arms above my head. At its height, I can not escape from her doing. I’m like a robot that almost just follows what she wants to do.

“I know you hate men because of what happened to you years ago. And that’s what you’re going to use to get what I want,” she told me, looking straight into my eyes.

I held my breath as she cut the distance between the two of us and crushed me with a kiss.

Why can’t I do anything? She is tall, bigger, and looks stronger, but why is that?

Why do I go along with every twitch of her lips? And the smell of her breath, very fragrant. The taste of her saliva, sweet and delicious as she kisses me deeper.

I can’t even notice I am kissing her back and keep the growling as I was also carried away by what she was doing as if I could make my body obey because it already has a mind of its own.

I can’t believe now if I’m still a woman and if I’m kissing a woman now because of her ability to kiss. I want to kiss her even more deeply more than she can do.