CHAPTER 75

I calmed myself down when I got to the condo. I quietly made my way into the building until I could get into the elevator. I couldn’t escape the looks that everyone was throwing at me but I haven’t ignored that yet.

I don’t know what the next step will be after I did. I love Levi dearly but I also know that his mom will never accept me because she hates me so much. I won’t ask him to walkaway from his family. I know the feeling of longing for family and I don’t want him to experience that. Though I doubt he’d do it, too but there is a chance because he did it before. Levi is an honorable man to his family. He loved them dearly. And that’s probably one of the reasons why I adore him so much.

It was easier and easier for me to leave without him knowing. Just like before. It’s easy to deprive me of my pleasure but when he tells me he can’t afford to lose us, that's the hard part.

So all I’m hoping now is for him to give us up. For him to realize that I was just a trash or just after his money and nothing else. I hope he believes his mom that I am just after his wealth. I wish I had accepted the money his dad offered me. Fifty million is not that bad in exchange of my feelings but I can’t sacrifice the completeness of my family.

I sighed as I finally entered my condo. I took off my pumps and crawl towards the bed. I could feel the sadness in my heart as I sank into the pillow. I couldn't stop screaming there because my heart really hurt so much. I feel like that’s fragmented.

I don’t want to think of the future but it became clearer now. I will be in a far away place with my daughter when Levi decides to marry someone else. I will be very broken but I will never be mad at him. I will be happy for him but I will choose not to know more about his life anymore. If I become miserable, I will try my best to find joy in other small things.

And hopefully forgetfulness is quick. If it hadn't been for me, I would not have been tormented by forgetfulness in the days, months, and years to come.

The silence of my room was enough for me to hear even small sounds coming from nowhere. But heavy footsteps coming from outside prevailed and soon after, I heard the door slam.

My breathing hitched at that. To my surprise, I no longer knew what to do. My heart is almost on my throat with its excessive turbulence. I could feel the bed sinking on my side so I moved. I looked at him. His eyes bore into me and I saw both pain and sorrow in it.

"W-where is my daughter?" I asked awkwardly.

I calm myself down because I feel like he is calm. We don’t have to fight because it’s over. I don't have the strength anymore.

"She's with my cousin Acel."

I stared at the whole of him. I saw the lift of his hand signal that he was going to touch me so I quickly backed away. I glanced at his face and I saw it with anger and pleading in his eyes. It was like he knew what I was doing and he was pissed about it and he can also beg just for me to stop doing it. I sneezed and adjusted myself.

Extreme silence enveloped us. Only his heavy breathing what I hear and what I sniff. His eyes bore into me like I could escape from his grasp if he didn’t watch me closely. I don’t know if I will look at him or let him be there.

“Y-you should have brought her here. I don’t want her to stay at your house. I talked to your mom,” I said when I realized that we had no destination here if I just kept quiet.

He relaxed a bit. He adjusted his sit and tried to reach for me.

"And?"

He stopped for a moment before finally reached me. I couldn't move because I was at the end of the bed.

“S-stop it, please,” I uttered.

I sound so frustrated that I almost begged him. I only saw more anger and pain in his eyes. His jaw clenched repeatedly and instead of following what I said he finally approached me.

My heart pounded harshly. Especially when he didn’t comply with my demands. Especially when the faucet started to turn on again and tears flowed from it. I covered my face with my hands and I felt his warm embrace shielding me.

“I can’t stop, Rae,” he equaled my frustration with his.

He tightened his grip even more. I buried my face in his chest as soon as his arm came under my neck. I feel at peace whenever we’re together. I seem to have no fear when we are like this. And I wonder if I make him feel this way, too? That in the midst of all the chaos of his life, I make him feel at peace?

I faintly hit him repeatedly. I feel so frustrated that I couldn’t even form my own words. I couldn’t even exactly explain what I’m feeling and it is because I love him so much. I'm having a hard time!

“J-just let me go, Levi. I can't take it anymore,” I almost whispered to him as I sobbed.

“No. Fuck it,” he replied in his raspy voice.

I shook. I know he knows what I’m referring to. I don't have to explain anymore because he was there when his mom once shoot me with words. He knew this from the very beginning so I don't understand why he continues.

“You know what's going on, don't you? You know I don't want you to leave your family just for this. You know I can't really be accepted—”

He hugged me tighter. His caress on my hair was so lonely. I just got worse and cried. I love him so much. I love him so much that even if he held me, it would tame me. I can't let it go.

I pushed his chest away from me. I want to tell him what I told his mom a while ago so he’d understand. I pushed him so he’d stop winning me back through his touch. It is my fucking weakness.

“I-I love you so much, Lev, but this is so fucking hard. It's exhausting to hear the insults your family is throwing at me, especially at my daughter.”

I heard his heavy sigh. He pulled me back to him again like my words don’t matter. His lips touched my head until I heard him whispered some words.

“I’m not tired yet, Rae. I will never get tired.”

It was as if I was being stabbed repeatedly with desperation and hope in the tone of his voice. I buried my face in his chest.

Those words were very simple but somehow it calmed my confused heart. That's what he could do to me.

“Baby, I told you if you’re tired then let me fight this while you’re resting. I can, I can handle until you can handle it again. We can't give it up.”

I cried more. I no longer knew what to do. How can I get rid of him. I’m not doing this for myself. I’m doing this for his family so that they won’t have a hard time, especially him because I know he’s stuck in the situation. But I'm not sure if I can still hurt him. I was no longer sure if I could deny myself or even my child to him. He’s all I have. I don’t think I can.

“Let me do this while you’re with me, please."

He scooped me from where I was. Though nervous, I was no longer able to refuse yet. I let him lift my face. I covered my face with my hands and his chest. After a few minutes, he was now slowly and gently stroking the strands of my hair as I sank into him. He was calm based on his heartbeat, even me, but I could still feel the pain in my eyes from crying.

I sighed. I grabbed his arm.

“Levi,” I called him.

“Yes, baby,” he said very gently.

I bit my lip and didn't even try to look at him because I might get even weaker.

"You can still find another woman," I stated.

He stopped stroking my hair for a moment then sighed heavily again.

“I won’t. You’re all I want,” he said firmly.

I looked up at him disappointed. His eyes bore into me and it was too much. His gaze was strong, mixed with anger and finality. He does not seem to accept another opinion or word. I'm still wondering. He’s always been this way. I know that his parents won’t be fine with his decision.

"You can't fight everyone just because of me," I said softly to him.

“You’re now my family, you and Ria. Let me handle that, stop worrying.”

“It can’t be fixed, Levi. Your parents are so mad at me. I am the daughter of the woman who tortured them to this day. They will never understand,” I told him in desperation.

“They will eventually understand us. They also went through this situation,” he said in a controlled voice.

“And what are we going to do? When will we understand them? That every time they see me they remember the pain and bitterness of their past. They hate me and I don’t want Ria to feel it." My voice growls.

His eyes focused on me with an agonizing pain. I stared at him the same way.

He cupped my chin with his fingers. He licked his lower lip and sighed.

“And your solution is to leave me, is that it? Sure, we both understand my parents so we are going to separate our ways again, is that what you mean? What about Asteria? Do you think she will understand this?” He said stubbornly.

At that point, I no longer knew what to answer but I still wanted to oppose him.

“I will make her understand soon. I’m sure she will understand—”

“God damn it, Rae, do you hear what you’re saying? I’m not asking you to make this decision without me! I can't afford to lose you,” he was quick to say.

I stopped speaking. I looked at him tiredly. He looked at me with both fear and longing in his eyes. Fear of what my decision might be and hope that we might fix it.

"I can't bear to see your mom hurting and struggling, Levi, please," I begged him.

“And can you hurt me? Can you see difficulty? You did this to me before and I’m not letting you do this again,” he insisted so I shook again.

“Not like that, Levi, please. Don't torture me anymore. To finish it, I will go away—”

“You can’t run away from me again and stop trying! I’m gonna pursue you, Rae, until you’re exhausted! Until you stop running away from me! Fuck! We have a child!” He was quick as he tightened his grip on me.

I sighed. It hurts so much to see him hurt. It was as if I was being killed over and over again as I could see the fear in his eyes.

“If you are tired, let me fight while I hold you. Just don’t fucking leave me, Lumiere. I can't,” he firmly said to me.

At that point, I knew I would never lose him again. That no matter what I do, no matter what I say he will not accept it for the reason that he does not want us to be away from him again like before. I really want us to be happy and complete but the more I think about his parents feelings, the more I sink into pain. I can't ignore that because even my son is affected, but how can I take his own father away from him just because of their past?