10

## Jealousy attacks

Emily

I try to block out any kind of self-judgmental thoughts, I don't want to be left feeling like a ridiculous victim when I myself scream like crazy with pleasure at Joe's hands.

I look to the side and see him getting up, his naked body makes me uncomfortable for being so masculine and big. I follow him with my eyes and watch as he bends down into a series of small pure wood drawers to retrieve something, then pulls out an envelope.

"Here." He hands it to me and I look at him puzzled.

"What is that?" I ask confused.

"There's some money in there, I want you to buy yourself a present." I open my eyes in surprise and inevitably all kinds of thoughts start running through my head.

Joe giving me money, a lot by the way, after having sex with me, how can I not feel like a whore?

"No thanks, I don't want your money." I swallow hard and answer.

"I want you to buy you something, I don't have time for that." He stares at me.

"What do you want me to buy myself something for?" I look at him for the first time since we had sex.

I look into his eyes and feel an immeasurable anger at him at that moment. How could he?

"Do you want to humiliate me by giving me money and compensating me with gifts for what I just did?" I feel my eyes burn from trapped tears. "I may not be fully obligated to be with you, but..."

"But?" He encourages me with a faraway look.

"I refuse anything you want to give me!" I exclaim and his face turns furious so he turns to the wall and punches it.

"You'll wear whatever I want you to wear for me. You can't be with anyone else while you're with me and that means you're mine and you'll accept whatever I want to give you, consider that part of our agreement!"

"And that includes just me?" Furious question even without wanting to have asked that question. But I need to know if I'm just another one in Joe's bed, not that it matters, but...

"That's not important right now." His expression is hard and unreadable.

Even without him saying it, I can understand only one thing in that answer. As my grandmother always says: for those who can read, a drop is a letter. At the same time I feel disappointed, I also feel like I've been hit right in the heart. Joe isn't willing to at least be with me as long as we're on this drug deal?

"So I believe what just happened between the two of us was just a one night stand isn't it?" Indago and his look is bitter.

"I don't have one-night stands." He just says.

"Of course, there must be a schedule for each day a different one is in your bed fulfilling some kind of agreement." My voice is hurt and I curse myself for having a ridiculous jealousy fit.

"Damnation! I don't owe you or anyone anything!" he exclaims and I can't feel more humiliated than I already am.

Every word that comes out of Joe's mouth is another reassurance of how I've lost control of my own life. I've already lost a lot, my parents, my dignity, my values. The anger I've been holding back, I can't hold it in anymore and I let it all out in that motherfucker's face.

"I hate you, Joe! You are a bastard who is using a crime my father committed to sleep with me. Not only did I lose my parents and all the admiration I had for them, I also had to lose my values, my roots and my virginity with you!" I condemn him and get up from the bed furious and enter the first door I find inside the room.

I lock the door and see that it is a very large and spacious bathroom, right in the center there is a bathtub filled with water that gives off light smoke. I start crying my eyes out and climb into the tub not caring who it 's prepared for.

"Emília... Open this door." I hear him knock but I pretend not to hear. "I want to know if you're okay, and I want to know now." He knocks once more.

I ignore it because I don't want to talk to him anymore, he's already managed to hurt me enough for today, speaking of hurt, I feel the burning in the middle of my legs and the intimate memory with Joe comes to the surface in my mind . Then I grab some soap from the side of the tub on a small table and start washing. Meanwhile tears flow non-stop and I wonder why so much crying? I never cried! I almost never cried like that.

Suddenly I'm startled by the door being broken into by Joe and slamming hard against the wall. I look at him with wide eyes.

"I didn't mean to scare you. But you should have opened the door when I asked." He murmurs softly. "You had me worried for a brief moment, Bella mia ."

Not knowing what to say, I look intently at the huge man in front of me , breathing hard. He is already dressed in pants and an open shirt exposing his tanned and well-shaped chest. I look away from him and feel him crouch down beside the tub.

"Look at me." He orders.

"You don't have to be that intimidating." I murmur.

"I'm trying not to be. Stop crying... You don't have to be afraid of me."

How could I not be afraid? Not his, but my feelings.

"I would never hurt you my sweet." I remember the pain between his legs but he refers to other types of injuries, the ones that last longer and don't pass as simple scratches like the ones I gave him on his back and unavoidable pain.

"I feel lost, Joe..." I whisper in a thin voice.

"I want to know why the scandal about the present." he inquires.

"I'm not an immoral whore. I didn't do it for the money and for you to think that with gifts you would pay me back or make me feel more comfortable, it hurt my feelings." I explain quietly.

"I didn't mean for you to think that way, I swear that wasn't my intention." His voice is so smooth that anyone listening would never think he was talking about a ruthless killer.

"I know a lot of the women you date must be into that kind of thing... But I don't..." I mumble with an ache in my heart.

He doesn't say anything and I watch him get up, his handsome features growing distant and cold. Maybe what I said made him grow cold of me, or maybe he became disillusioned when he came to the conclusion that I'm not like the others, much more interesting and always submissive. Just as he's about to walk out the door, he stops and pulls out a towel, holding it out to me.

"I don't want you to worry about these trivial things." He says.

"It's a little difficult for me." I talk.

"You're difficult for me too, Miss Antonelli…" Reveals and walks over to me.

With a light, quick movement, he lifts me out of the tub and I feel the water trickle down my thin body. Then he wraps the towel around me and lifts me out of the tub in his arms.

"No! Let me go." I ask and clap his shoulders, but then he decides to just let me go inside the room.

As soon as he releases me, I see him studying me in silence and my face burns at his attitude. Suddenly he grabs me and kisses me thirsty, for a moment I remain motionless trying to show rejection, but soon the sensations of my traitorous body begin to make me excited with the kiss. The nipples of my breasts are already hard and my intimacy is damp, shame overwhelms me and I blush like a tomato.

"You know what, passione? You can hate me…" He murmurs softly and kisses my neck with light hickeys, making the middle of my legs contract. "But, I want you to know that you're all mine now, and I'm going to get you into bed again and you won't hate me as much in the meantime." Feeling humiliated that I'm enjoying it and looking forward to that promise, I try to look for something that might hurt his ego.

"I will never be fully yours, because you can never have what really matters." I retort furiously. "I don't care what you think of me or how many women a day you sleep with because a long time ago I gave my heart to someone and you will never be like him." Not knowing where this boldness and this big lie came from, I hold back a laugh.

"Are you in love with another man?" He grabs my shoulders and exclaims in a low tone.

At the same time that I savor the look of fury in his eyes, I also regret being cruel and lying, but the truth is that none of these feelings dominated me until I met Joe. After this man my feelings were so confused that I hardly know who I am.

"Damnation! Who is this fellow?" He asks furiously.

"That's none of your business. Like you said, it's not important right now." I return.

"That is really important. By the way, I still haven't established any type of norm or rule about our agreement, I will review that."

"You asked for my body and you already have it. You said nothing else and you won't have anything else from me." I yell angrily.

"I want the name. His name!" He demands.

"No, it is not." I answer. I will never say he doesn't exist.

"I hope you obey me, Emilia!"

"Even my feelings you want to control? This is about me, not you!" I defend myself.

"Your attitude is making me angry." He grunted trying to maintain an apparent calm.

"Your attitude also makes me angry and offends me on top of that. You don't own me." I clarify.

"We have an agreement, my dear. You'll be mine for as long as I decide and you can't fucking yell at me and defy me like that either!" He exclaims with a cold look.

He straightens his clothes and leaves the room, leaving me alone, empty, angry, confused, and strangely abandoned... Could it be that he left to find another woman? I was right to say that I am in love with another man, it made him angry. He can't act like I'm an object and he owns it. However, whenever Joe touches me I know that I can never refuse him, because what he awakens in me, no one in the world has ever awakened and I doubt that anyone will ever be able to.

I shake my head quickly and think straight again, what I feel for him is just body to body. Body attraction.