25

##I can't

Emily

I look with my eyes flooded with tears at the plane that takes off already in the sky. Inside the airport I sit with my face in my hands and sob with a broken heart. My family will be so far away now, even Crowley went along, but I know it was best for me and them too, and that's all that matters. It took a while for me to let them on the plane, first I needed several minutes with each of them, I gave them words of comfort and my promise to never abandon them.

Then I called a taxi and went home. When I arrive I already see a black car in the distance, certainly belonging to someone that Joe left to watch me, on the other side I see the car that I recognize to be Malvina's. I get out of the taxi and pay it.

"Glad you're here." Malvina says, coming towards me euphorically.

"Hey, what's up?" I ask.

"I got a place at college in the US! I'm so happy!!!" She exclaims, jumping up and down in front of me.

"Oh my goodness! That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you too." I give her a strong hug. "But, I thought maybe you were going back to Mexico with your parents." I say.

"It's only been two months since they left me alone in this house, I think they still haven't achieved what they were looking for, which is my brother back. But anyway, I preferred the USA, I pay them a visit there anyway In Mexico."

"And when are you going?" I ask.

"Two weeks from now, I'll be looking at an apartment for rent before the semester starts."

"I see. Another one of my family going far away..." I murmur sadly.

"I saw your message, about your brothers. And I want you to know that I'm here, even from afar I'll always be ready to talk to you, understand you."

"Thank you…" I can't say more without tears filling my eyes. "Have you heard from Rocco and Jessica?" I inquire.

"Yes, I thought I knew. Jessica was sent by her parents to a military school for women in the south of France. Rocco is still around, he was a boy who never gave his parents any trouble, so that must be why. You know more than anyone that Jessica was never easy, but despite everything, I feel sorry for her." Malvina explains.

"I feel sorry too. I can't feel hate, if I can't hate Joe, what will Jessica say for having made me know him..." I declare.

"Roman said he got picked for the same college as me, maybe we share an apartment."

"Oh really? I didn't know... I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore, or be upset about Joe."

"He was always in love with you, he tried to date several girls but he never lost his reputation as a bastard. I think only you could do that, but I know you wouldn't change your Joe for any guy, I don't think you need that." Play.

"I really don't need to..." I smile. "What about him being gay? Is he or isn't he?" I inquire.

"That's a question he doesn't even know himself." He says and we both smile.

"I will miss you." I talk.

"I'm going to feel yours too. But don't say that as if it were the end of the world, we can meet, you travel there, I'll come here. Nothing is lost. With Malvina, no one is sad." Your enthusiasm and joy is so contagious.

"You are the best..." I confess.

"You are..." I reciprocate and hug me.

Hours later, Malvina is gone. Alone at home I put some things in order and in that space of time I thought I could forget about Joe at least for a few seconds, I was wrong. I know I have to go back, see how he is doing.

Coincidentally my cell phone rings and your name appears on the display.

"Hi..." I speak in a soft tone.

"Come home. I need you."

"Home?"

"Yes, you will move in with me now, you don't think I'm going to leave you living there alone, do you?"

"How do you know I'll be alone?"

"Joe always knows everything."

"Oh yeah. I forgot."

"Come quickly. You've been gone too long." I hear a woman's voice in the background.

"Are you well?"

"No."

"What there was?"

"I need you. I told you."

"I'm coming..." I declare and hang up.

I smile at his rude way that deep down he just wants my company. I put some clothes in a backpack and lock the house, outside there's already a driver waiting for me, it's not Franco this time. I get in the car and as it goes around to the secret entrance I think that tomorrow I will have to go to Mr. Stark says I won't work for him anymore, I'm grateful for everything but now I have money and other plans of my own.

As soon as we enter, I go towards Joe's room, I enter without knocking because I think there is no need for this between us anymore, when I enter I come across a beautiful, tall and blonde woman cleaning his wounds. I clear my throat making a noise and then they both look at me.

"I'm just going to finish here and I'll be right out." The woman says.

"Allow me to finish this." I pull her hands away from Joe and feel my heart race with anger.

"Are you a nurse by any chance?" she asks.

"Look at the tone with her, get out!" Joe finally exclaims and the woman immediately leaves.

"What is that?" Question.

"She's a nurse, she always takes care of my injuries when something goes wrong."

"I did not like her."

"Why?"

"What would you think if you walked into my room and found a man cleaning me up?"

"Would you understand that it's his job?"

"I doubt it, Joe!" I snort.

"Yeah. I'd rip his hands off." Confess. "Are you jealous?"

"Of course." I shrug and start cleaning his wounds.

"I imagine... From the strength you're putting into that wound, you're pretty calm." He tenses his body a little.

"You can handle it, you are strong." I talk.

"I have something to tell you." He says suddenly.

"What is it?"

"I want to take a trip, get some time off." I swallow hard.

"Business?" Question.

"Yes. But also get out of here a little, breathe new air, exterminate new victims..." He says with a smile.

"Joe... Have you ever thought about the possibility of stopping killing someday? For example, let the justice handle the cases, if anyone finds out about you, you will be arrested and sentenced to life imprisonment." I speak with fear and fear that this will happen someday.

"No. Don't even think about it, it's something my inner demon asks. I'm calm only with you, Emilia, but don't think I'm a good guy. I like to fucking kill, I like to see the last breath of murderers, of see them begging. I don't think to stop and I'll never get caught." Ensures.

"But..." I try to argue.

"Tell me if those who practice evil against innocent people don't deserve to be punished?" Question. "Punished with torture and death!" He growled angrily.

"Yes, they do, everyone deserves to receive the consequences for their actions, whether good or bad." I answer.

"So, my pretty one. This is a favor I do for the world." He says and grumbles when I hold tighter to his injured shoulder. "Look, I'll let you in on a secret... When I was younger, it wasn't just assassins I wanted to kill, it was anyone, I just wanted, needed, my addiction called for it, I wanted to kill and I didn't care who it was But my father made me promise that I would never kill an innocent person again and started bringing murderers, criminals and his enemies for me to exterminate. And I usually keep my promises." He declares and I am perplexed.

Will I be able to lead my life alongside a murderer, cruel and cold?

"I don't intend to bring you into my dark world. He's mine alone, I don't like to share... I guarantee that if you go with me, you won't notice the killer at your side, but your man who will be there when you need him, to answer your demands and requests, sexual and material. My being a murderer doesn't mean I'll be a bad man for you." He says and I feel a shiver run down my spine. "Your lover, I will always be your lover." I feel a lump in my throat when that statement makes a different impact inside me.

"After all, that's all we've ever been isn't it?" I inquire with a hint of hurt, giving a forced smile.

I know deep down that it won't go beyond that, that the future with a family I've always dreamed of, maybe it doesn't exist for the simple fact that I love Joe and he's not willing to offer it to me.

"That's a tough question to answer." It says dry.

"Be honest with me, I will always be just a lover in your bed that you will always satisfy. It will never go beyond that, will it?" Question.

Deep down, I don't even understand the reason for the question. But I know that I always dreamed of getting married, having a normal life, a family, a man who loves me. Joe is far from all that, I would never want a murderer to father my children, but there's something in me that can't stay away from him, he made me addicted, he made me sin, he made me lie, he made me go crazy. He is my condemnation!

"We'd better stop this conversation here. Maybe I don't want to talk about it." Just say and get up.

"It's always about what you want. And what do I want? Oh, of course it doesn't matter, I'm just another one, aren't I, Joe?" His reluctance to talk about it just confirms everything I think and it hurts.

"You are trying to end our relationship with this matter!" exclaims.

"No more than what is tearing me apart. Why don't you tell me? What am I to you?" I inquire.

"Fuck, do you really want to know?" It changes and I sign. "All I wanted was to kill your father, understand? I wanted to rid the world of that cursed and dirty man, your mother not so much, maybe she came as a gift. But, you..." Pause. "There is no explanation for what I felt, when I first laid eyes on you, I was instantly enthralled. I would have done anything to have you for myself. Before I even knew you were his daughter, before I said it and... When you said you were his daughter, it went from being enchanted to an obsession with using you to get revenge on him, to make you fall in love with a murderer, it was a way of punishing him since he had promised you he wouldn't kill them. " Your words cut my heart.

"Was it pleasurable for you? Didn't you realize that you were punishing no one more than myself? That I was the only one who suffered through all of this?" I ask sadly.

"Don't blame me for that! I didn't order anyone to break into my house, I just took the opportunity. All I did was because I couldn't let you out of my life. I wanted you and I was willing to do anything to get it."

"It was just an agreement that I was to be his lover. That was just it the whole time. I was used for revenge…" I whispered with an aching heart.

"You passed that a long time ago. Damnation! Can't you see I've never been like that to anyone? You made me suffer when you dumped me, and now you're here of your own free will. I'm not forcing you to do anything." exclaims.

"I'm so stupid! So stupid!" I sit on the floor and place my hands over my head.

"I just didn't want to be without you, I didn't want you to be with any other man in your life." He says in a hoarse voice.

"Is everything just about this? Obsession? Possessiveness? Revenge, what else?" My voice comes out wounded and soft.

"Yes, bella mia . I'm obsessed with you." He whispers next to me and I shake my head.

I just put all my dreams and plans for a happy future behind a locked door. Who am I kidding? I was never anything more than a lover who satisfied his wants and he mine. Nothing more than an opportunity for revenge. I love him very much, but I know that I will have to be strong to face a breakup.

I can't anymore, the only thing we had, the only promise was to be faithful to each other, not to sleep with anyone else, it was nothing but an agreement, it never was. In exchange for my obedience I had a man who liked me, who was obsessed, which is not the same as loving.

At that moment I feel humiliated and stupid for everything I went through, reaching the conclusion that it was all for a big lie, it was all for nothing.

I can't, I can't live with it, it hurts too much. I have dreams, plans for the future, which I won't be able to accomplish with Joe by my side, he doesn't think like I do, he's not ready to live a romance, love, start a family and... I can't.

"I'm leaving. I can't go on with this anymore, it's impossible for me." I say getting up with tears in my eyes.

"What are you saying? Are you leaving again?" Ask with disdain.

"Yes. I'm going to live with my grandparents in Canada, maybe there I'll have hope for a better future." I answer.

"You're wrong, passione. You'll only have a future if you're by my side." He whispers getting closer to my face, then I feel a sting in my neck and I black out.