xxiii

so many what ifs in my head,

so many emotions in my heart,

will they ever reach you?

M A D D I E ♛

My head was blank, but my heart was ripping into pieces.

Andrew... he did his best to protect everyone. He did what I was supposed to do. I promised him that I was going to protect him, if only I was in place he would still be here.

Chase and Owen were telling me things, but I didn't hear anything any more. I couldn't hear anything. All I could think of was the poor Andrew who had gone on too early.

He stayed by my side for at least two years and he had been a great help for me. Whenever I tried to shoulder everything, he was always to remind me that I didn't have to do everything because he was there to help.

But I wasn't there for him when he needed me most.

I failed him.

My first ever friend.

The pain was too much to bear. I couldn't breathe at first, I was getting dizzy from trying to contain all the emotions.

It was strange though. Everything in me was telling me to scream and cry, but no tears came out. I've seen many deaths, but this one hit me and I wasn't shedding a tear.

Isn't that too cruel?

Would Andrew have wanted me to cry for him? I'm not sure anymore.

My world that seemed to be full of happiness and brightness was now hit with reality. I've been too busy living the life of a pack wolf that I had forgotten who I was and where I belonged.

I had forgotten the promise that I've made to a group of people who trusted me with their lives, but I failed them. I failed him. I failed myself.

"I need to go." I whispered and started walking in front of me.

I was devastated, but I knew that I couldn't just leave that be. I had to retaliate. I had a strong feeling that this was Finn's doing and I can't just let Andrew's death be in vain. I need to avenge him.

"Maddie, calm down. All the rogues are taking refuge in the pack, the wounded are getting treated." Chase explained the situation.

That made me feel more relieved, at least everyone was safe.

But still, I needed to go.

I turned to Chase who was beside me. I could see that he was as devastated as I was. I haven't told him anything, but I can already see him pleading with me not to do anything drastic.

He tried holding me, but I quickly moved away.

No, I can't be swayed by Chase.

"Chase, I'm sorry. I need to go." I said drily, almost out of myself.

The colour of his face was going out and he was trying to approach me again. "Maddie, we can leave right now. I'll go with you. I'm right here." he comforted me.

But he didn't understand.

He didn't understand that he was the reason why I let myself have the leisure to think that everything would turn out well.

In his small, lovely and gentle way, he made his way in my heart and made me feel things I never thought possible. He introduced me to a whole new life and there was not a moment that he didn't make me feel cherished.

Chase was like the light at the end of a very long night, he was helping hand just when you think that you're drowning.

I was extremely grateful to have met someone like him and have someone like him in my life. If things were a little bit different, I'm sure we could have lived a happier life.

If he had a different mate, I'm sure that he would have been happier.

Chase was my demise. I was aware of it, but I ignored it because I thought that bringing my walls down a little bit wouldn't cause too much trouble. But I've been too careless and now all of this happened.

This is all my fault.

I started walking away from him, putting distance between me and him.

"Maddie, please." he pleads, frustrated and anguished.

The pain in his voice disheartened me even more.

"Chase, I'm sorry. This is all my fault." I say and walked away further, making my way to the exit of the pack.

I would say goodbye to my parents, to my family, but there were more pressing matters.

I thought I've gone far enough, but then I was stopped when an arm grabbed me and I knew that it was Chase.

He was trying to stop me from doing my duties again.

I turned to him and was broken when I could notice that tears were almost falling. That pained me even more deeply.

I truly do not deserve Chase.

"It's unfair for me Maddie. You can't just leave me, like this. I can help, I can help you!" he says, his voice gradually turning into desperation.

I turned back to him. Although I knew I shouldn't, I held my hand out to him and cupped his cheek.

I looked at him in the eyes and put my forehead against him.

"I have to do this, Chase. On my own. I-- I failed Andrew, I have to avenge him Chase." I tried explaining.

"What if something happens to you? I'm not letting you go alone." he says stubbornly.

I shook my head and shushed him gently.

"You don't understand, Chase. This is the life of a rogue. If I don't do this for him, he will never get the justice he deserves. He deserved better and if only I was there this wouldn't have happened--"

"What about me Maddie? What about us? Don't you think we deserve better too?"

I thought for an answer for a while.

"You're right. You deserved better, Chase. I'm sorry it had to be me." I whisper to him. "But I have to go now. If I don't make it back--"

"Let me go with you." he argues.

"If I don't make it back, I just want to let you know that I loved you. You will always have a part of me." I confess and kissed him.

He must've been shocked and wasn't able to move, but I let go briefly.

For a moment, I put a barrier between him and me that wouldn't let him move from the perimeters of barrier that I've created for a certain time so that he wouldn't be ale to follow me.

"Maddie, don't do this!" he screamed when he noticed the barrier that I casted.

"I'm so sorry Chase." I repeated.

"If you do this, I won't forgive you." he said as if threatening me and it wounded me deeply to hear him say that.

It would be better that way.

Each step I took away from him was heavy, but I forced myself to leave.

And so I ran.

I ran as fast as I could, I saw the barrier of Caelum and it wasn't hard for me to break into it and leave the pack territory.

And I ran.

sleep tight

and dream of the life

you deserved

M A D D I E ♛

I've been running for hours.

I remembered a little bit of the way back through the drive by following the road and when I didn't remember where we turned, I used the knowledge I had as a rogue.

I didn't know how long it took but I finally found myself near Luminare, Chase's pack. The place where everything started.

I visited the place where the rogues and I had first settled in and sure enough, everything was destroyed.

The place was not only turned upside down, but a huge amount of the place we occupied was burned too.

The barrier I put around this place was nonexistent now as if it was never here.

I could smell the scent of rogues and Strays, no doubt the perpetrators of this tragedy.

There were blood on the ground too and I wondered which must've belonged to Andrew.

I walked around the place for a bit, feeling both heavy and empty. If that was even possible.

Finn was definitely here. Along with the scent of the Strays, I could smell that he was also here. It was very small, if I didn't look hard enough, I wouldn't know that he was here.

I decided to go back to the Chase's pack and see how the rogues were doing first.

I also had to apologize to them.

The pack guards already knew me so they let me in no problem which almost made me laugh remembering the difference between the first time I was in this pack.

One of the pack guards politely led me to a place where I saw tents set up. My steps were dragged against the ground and I couldn't bring myself to go nearer.

They must've picked my scent because one by one, the rogues came out of their respective tents.

The younger ones ran to me, wide smiles on their faces and greeted me with a hug. I reluctantly embraced them back and I couldn't bring myself to say anything.

When we reached the encampment, the older ones all came out and greeted me. They smiled, but I could see how everyone was also grieving.

The knife cut deeper and the pain deepened.

I met Mel, Steve, Jim, Billy and all the others while I dismissed the younger ones. No words were said at first, everyone was watching us too.

"Maddie, thank goodness you're safe. We were so worried." Mel started and embraced me, feeling that I was downcast.

"Andrew..." I said lowly and hesitantly. How could I even utter his name in front of them when this was all my fault?

The older ones looked at each other with pain in their eyes too.

"Let's go inside." Mel said and led everyone inside the rather large tent.

Everyone settled in and more of the older rogues came in. They served me tea, their hospitality always unfailing no matter the circumstance.

The cup of tea I was now holding was hot and as I held it tightly, it burned my hand, but that was the least of my concerns. Andrew's smiling face was stuck in my head, hunting down Finn was another thing, but over all, Chase's pained face and the tears streaming down his face weighed on me heavily.

"He did it so we could survive." Jim started. Slowly, I lifted my head to him. His every word, a dagger piercing my heart mercilessly.

"It was night time and everyone was asleep when all of a sudden the ground shook and it awoke all of us up. When I went to check, we saw Strays smashing themselves against your barrier. They didn't break it easily but after repeatedly smashing on it, they broke it." he recounted.

"We fought them off for a good while, they were mostly weak, but they were a lot. We couldn't protect everyone and fight them at the same time. Andrew was killing 2 Strays at the minute and he was telling us to bring everyone closer to the pack. Although he hated it, he knew that the pack guards could at least help us because you are their Alpha's mate." Billy continued.

"We thought he was following behind us when we were getting nearer the pack... but he wasn't. He stayed and held them off until we all took refuge here. He was brave, very brave, Maddie." Mrs. Alistair said with a sniffle, her voice breaking off and the tears started again. The other women around her comforted her quickly.

For a while, everyone remained silent. No one knew what to say.

Andrew, the poor soul, gone too soon while not having been able to experience the good things in life. He hadn't even met his mate and he seemed so excited about it.

My heart ached for him again and all the things he could've and would've been.

After a long while, I set the cup down and stood up in the midst of the group of almost fifteen people inside the tent.

"This is all my fault everyone, if only I was here this wouldn't have happened. I promised to protect everyone... I promised to protect Andrew, but I couldn't even do that. I'm so sorry." I apologized, trying my hardest to keep my world from spiralling down.

I wanted to break down so badly, but this was not the time. Although it's hard to do, I have to be strong for everyone, for Andrew. It's the least I could do for him.

"I will avenge him, I have an idea of who did it. I believe they were after me, they probably tried to lure me out by attacking you. But I will go to them." I announced.

I could see the unsure gazes that got passed around the room and the others were already looking worried.

"I know it goes against what many of us believe, but this pack is kind. They will treat you kindly, I'm sure of it. So please, stay here until I come back."

"Maddie, where will you go? What about your mate?" Mel asked.

My heart was stung again. Did she have to bring him up when I was trying to forget him?

I tried to smile.

"I have duties, I have a promise to keep," I answered, "I'm afraid I cannot stay any much longer. I have to be quick or else I might lose him. Please take care of yourselves and the younger ones until I come back."

♛

Before leaving the pack, I visited Kasen who was currently in charge of the pack as Chase and Owen were gone.

He was surprised to see me, I guess the news must've arrived to him of how I left Chase.

I asked him the favour to keep the rogues in refuge until I came back, a favour I never knew I would be asking from a pack wolf. But there was no safer place, but here.

Kasen must've known that I was going somewhere far and somewhere dangerous because before I could leave, he tried to stop me.

"You don't have to do it alone, Maddie." he said. Like his brother, I knew that he was sincere. I knew that he wanted to help.

Although I appreciated it a lot, this was one of those cases where I had to do this on my own. This wasn't just about my duties to the rogues, this wasn't just about my failures, this was about Andrew and the life he could've had if only it was not taken from him, this was about Finn and his twisted plans.

"This is a fight I must fight alone, Kasen. Staying in this pack, knowing Chase and all of you here. It was something I never thought I would be able to experience, but I did. And I'm thankful that all of you are so kind. But I have to do this. I'm sorry Kasen. And please tell Chase that I'm sorry."

And with those words, I began my journey to find Finn.

I don't know where he currently was and the slightest idea I could think of was that place.