The Past

Killian.

Elena scrunched up her nose when she could not think of an answer to something. I had seen her do it countless times in class, too often for my liking, and several times when she tried to argue with me. She was doing it now, pacing around my living room, looking back and forth between different shades of brown, trying to decide which color to use to color her dove's claws.

“This color, or this color?” she held up the colored pencils in front of her face. I lifted my eyebrows and put down the pen I was using to grade my students’ assignments.

“You should be doing your English homework, shouldn’t you? I asked, giving her a stern look. She let out a dramatic sigh and put down her pencil, flopping onto her stomach.

She barged into my house just a few minutes after me and insisted on creating art in my living room for fear that her mother would not allow paint on their floors. By the time I could say that I also did not want paint on the floor, she had already moved the coffee table.

“I will do it later,” she flashed a cheeky smile. That was her way of saying she would do it during class.

I took a deep breath, trying to find the guts that I needed to reprimand her. After I had completely forsaken my resolve out of the window, saying no to her request had become extremely difficult.

I have tried with all my might to protect her from anything that might hurt her, to shield her from the harshness of the outside world. But in the end, I became the reason for her tears. It feels like a dagger piercing my heart — painful, ripping me apart piece by piece — as I try to let her go. I thought it was the best choice, the safest path for her… but the more I drifted further away, the more I realized that I was shattering the one thing I most wanted to hold onto.

I tried to be an asshole, pushing her away, scaring her into leaving. And yet every time she tripped over a mess, my instincts always pulled me back to her. I could never resist helping. My soul was bound to hers, and it was so foolish of me to think I could leave her behind, just like that.

She does not get my reasons, and I am aware as to why — I simply cannot talk that much about those things. The less she knows, the less likely she is to get tangled up in this.

I have to protect her from my past and the people in my past. They will try to snatch her away from me, and she might die in the process.

I had not even noticed that Elena had gotten up from the floor and was sitting next to me on the couch. She had made out a few paper doves, most likely all for her teacher.

I kept checking on the essay under her watchful eye. Well, more like her wandering eye. She looked around the room, at me, at the pictures on the wall. She simply could not stick to one thing.

Her curiosity seemed to peak at a picture I had forgotten I had put out there. It was one of the few members of my old pack. My best friend had his arm wrapped around my shoulder, even though he was making a sour face. That was just his usual look, though.

Elena slid off the couch and strolled over to the table, her fingers reaching out for the picture frame. Her head tilted slightly, like a curious puppy.

All of a sudden, a broad smile broke out on her face in a flash. She turned to me.

“Hey, look, it's you!” she excitedly called out, like she had just stumbled upon some big bombshell that even I had forgotten about.

I simply nodded as I glanced at the picture. She made her way over, sinking back down beside me, with the picture still in her hand.

“Are these your packmates?” she asked. She seemed to have a slight hesitation in asking me, as if she would be scolded for asking about them. She must have felt the tension in the air, but her curiosity got the better of her fear.

As I gingerly took the photo from her hand, I checked it out. Some of them were my pack mates, others were not. My best friend was the Alpha of the Northern Sky pack, so some of them were his members of his pack.

“Some of them,” I told her. She gave me a look that showed she was dying to know more, without having bothered to actually say it.

“This is my best friend,” I went on, pointing to the Asian boy in the middle. We were younger back then, but he was still taller than me by a few inches, even though I had always been tall.

It has been a few years since that picture was taken, but he is still taller than me. Both of our packs had harsh training rituals, but his pack was even harsher because of the toxic relationship that their pack had with most other packs. He was an Alpha, and a very domineering Alpha and a demanding one, he was.

Elena breathed a small sigh as her eyes fell on him. She seemed to be mulling over her opinion of him before turning to stare at me.

“What's his name?” she asked.

“Declan.”

I set the picture on my lap, letting out a sigh. Declan had called me earlier on this week, a few days after I accepted Elena as my mate, at last. As soon as I told him, he said that I could not stick to anything and that I was a dumbass.

Did I mention that he was an asshole? Well, guess it spilled all over the place.

I knew that he had not meant what he said. He knew as well as I did why I was trying to keep Elena away from me, and he was the only one who would ever understand. In some ways, he was right. I was a dumb person who literally could not stick to anything.

Still, at the end of our conversation, he told me to take care of her. One of the few times he had ever shown concern for someone.

Elena gazed at the other people in the picture, trying to figure out what she was going to ask next.

“Do you like your pack?” she asked.

“Yes, I do,” I told her. There was no point in lying, her wolf would know. Most of the things and people in my pack are fun. However, there are some things that are not.

Elena stared at me, looking puzzled.

“So, why did you leave then?”

I blinked my eyes repeatedly as I was taken aback. Elena herself seemed to be a little taken aback as well for asking such a question, given that she had been quite careful with the others.

She bit her lip, putting the picture aside. I hated to see her like that, as if she had done something terribly bad.

“I left because I wanted to do something else,” I told her. It was a half-truth, and I hoped she would take it in stride.

I left my pack partly because I wanted to explore. My parents had been the alphas, so we were trained that way. I hardly ever got to see the outside world other than glimpses of the town as we moved from one pack to another. The only time I went out was when there were some kind of pack matters.

Still, if I could go back—

Elena pondered over my answer, then she cracked a faint smile to herself. There were many things about me that I saw in her — a puzzled look, a sense of doubt, and a way of looking at the future as if it were still a blur in the distance. One time, one afternoon, she told me that she had not yet really known what she wanted to do. The real world, for her, was still too far away to worry about.

“I wish I could live in a normal pack,” she said out of the blue. "I mean... sure, we used to be like that. But ever since the previous Alpha and Luna left, we became such a messy pack." Her babble piqued my interest. It was quite rare for her to talk about her Pack.

I never knew there was such a hierarchy like that. Her parents did have the power of a high-level leader, but it was only as a phony Alpha — not from the bloodline. However, in the end, it does not really matter. All that mattered was whether or not they could lead.

It seemed that, ever since the previous Alpha and Luna had left, their pack had begun to crumble. There were no more pack meetings. There was no pack house. No land that they owned together. Only a pack of wolves ever had that bond.

They are indeed safe from being rogue wolves. It seemed like there was still enough built into the pack to keep them from turning into lone wolves. Still, I simply could not shake the worry — what would happen if there were wolves who decided to leave the pack, and there were not enough members to forge a new pack?

Well, I personally was still bonded to my old pack. No one can break an Alpha's bond with his pack — that bond is undying, running through blood and soul.

And to be frank, I would not be bothered even if I had to be a lone wolf. I had too much power to be bothered by anyone... unless it was a pack that was more powerful than me.

“Will you ever go back?” Her big eyes locked onto mine deeply, as if asking me again if I was going to leave her. Her cautiousness in asking was the same as her wolf's caution in judging.

“I'm not sure,” I replied. Seeing the look of sadness on her face, I hastily threw in, “If I go, I will take you with me.”

Her eyes sparkled as she beamed a smile. She hugged me, her arms wrapped tightly around my neck. As her head rested on my arm, I kissed her forehead briefly, then went back to the pile of grading papers on my lap.

However, before I could move on, she tugged at my sweatshirt, forcing me to look at her.

“Killian?” she called. I nodded, giving her the gesture to keep going. “Can you hook me up with an A on my English essay?”