THE WALK OF SHAME

He takes slow steps until he is standing right in front of my nose. Damn, these eyes! I cross my hands on my chest, refusing to be intimidated by his play of unawareness. I look deep into his eyes, drinking his warmth. "If I remember correctly, you and I have a mutual understanding that I can come to you anytime I need something. It's precisely because of that that I am here." I say, refusing to even blink.

"And you had to come like this?" I know what I am wearing. I know I look like a sex worker advertising myself, but do I care?

He takes a step back to have a good look at my body, and I drop my hands on my hips to give him full access. Go on, Deep! Devour me with your eyes as much as you want, because I'm going to get you tonight. Let's see if you can resist me tonight or ever after. His eyes fall on mine suddenly after ogling me enough, making me blush a little, but I summon my courage back. "Why? Don't you like it?" I dare him to lie.

He clears his throat, putting on an annoying act of rawness. "What do you want?" Is this jerk for real?

"Don't you dare hurt me like this, Deep! I think this piece of clothing clearly screams what I really want. Don't tell me you are that dumb to miss the memo!" I spit out anger. What? Must I scream at the top of my lungs that I want him? I want him to make love to me and make me feel all that magic of love.

"Maybe I am dumb, and I will also pretend that I am blind too. Gia, can you tell me what exactly it is that you want?" He speaks between closed eyes, peeling them when he is done talking.

Oh, I hate you, boy!

I swallow hard, reaching for the helm of my dress and pulling it slowly. "Maybe you don't understand gestures and words. How about I show you?" I hold the helm on the other side, riding the short dress up.

Before I can expose myself too much, if there is any more of this, he grabs my hands, stopping me. "Stop this!" He speaks right to my nostrils, feeding me his pheromones, making me shiver with desire and hurt. I close my eyes, shame screaming at me. "I need you, Deep. I need you to make love to me." I open my eyes, meeting his.

I should be kissing these sugary lips of his right now. We should be flipping each other on this bed of his. But why is he so adamant? Why does he look so off-kilter? He doesn't want me anymore. "You know, I find it so hard to believe that you came all the way here like this just for this. I refuse to believe, or maybe I want to fool myself and think that this isn't just sex that is making you do all this. So why, Gia? Is there something else? Be honest. Do you like me? No, I think I should put it in a better and more clear way. Do you love me?" His voice, his eyes...? I think I should be the one asking him that.

"Why, Deep? Do you love me?" I fire back, and God knows how I want to hear him say yes.

"Answer my damn question first, Gia!"

My demons jerk up from their sleep from that howl. What kind of man is this one? He just turned me down right now, and now he stands in front of me, demanding answers to his silly questions. Yes, I do. I love him so much that I am so hurt by his rejection right now, but I will take my feelings to the grave. I will not take that risk of humiliating myself any further. I think his beauty made him overconfident that women have to kneel and bow before him and kiss his feet just to have him. He may have managed to make me fall shamelessly in love; he may have turned me into a weakling because of it, but not weak enough for him to bring me down on my knees the way he wants. Not Gia Wilson! "I don't!" I give it to him, simple and straight to his face.

He nods his head slightly, looking away for a while. Why? Does that hurt? "Well, this can't continue then. There are far too many beautiful and important things I want to experience with you, and if you can't realize that, if you can't accept that, if you don't even like me, I am sorry, but I don't want us to be bound by just mere fucking sex."

What is he saying now? What's with the riddles? Can't he just say things straight? And mere sex? That is what it has been to him—mere sex? If heartbreak were a person, this idiot right here would be the ideal example! Same with dumbness! Does he think I came all the way here just to get a fuck? Honestly? He has not realized it, or he just wants to play dumb. "Deep? I.." He shuts me up by placing a finger on my lips.

"I can't force you to feel something that you can't, or you simply don't want to feel, or maybe you just can't admit it. You have all the time in the world to think about it. If ever you want something more than this, I will be here waiting. I will wait for as long as I can." He says, tearing the remaining pieces of my heart.

Damn you, Deep, for not seeing through these debilitated eyes that you are looking at how much I truly love you! I hate you for thinking that I want just mere sex with you. This is how you think of me. This lance you used today is so sharp, Deep! I don't know if I will ever forget this pain.

He kisses my tears away, and I let him. I'm too weak to do anything. It hurts to react. He pulls a grey trench coat from his wardrobe, wrapping it around my shoulders. Like a zombie, I follow him as he leads me out of the room while he is dialing someone on the phone. I am so damn lost as to what their short call is all about.

We make a stop at the balcony, and while the front door opens, Shon walks in. "Make sure she gets home safe!" He orders.

Is he sending me away? He is throwing me out of his house.

Hell is breaking loose! I am forgetting to breathe! He is not doing this to me, right? I turn to him, a tear dropping, and I don't care to wipe it away. "Tell me you are not doing this to me." I whisper, tears rolling freely out of my eyes. I'm trying so hard to prevent the sobs from escaping my lips too. He pulls me in for a long kiss that I don't reciprocate. That is how confused and hurt I am right now. "Goodnight, Gia!" He says this after pulling away, taking his hands off me, and taking a few steps back.

I look at him, wishing that he would tell me that this is just a joke. I hope that he may realize how this is crashing my pride and dignity and put a stop to it before it breaks me. But he doesn't. He is steadfast in his decision, and who am I to change his mind?

I dry the tears with my palms, and as painful as it is, I take the first step of my walk of shame down the stairs., my heart shattering further with every single step that I take.

I swear, this is the most heartbreaking pain that I have ever felt. I want to scream out my pain. I want to cry out my shame. I want to yell all the insults there are in the world at him for touching on my pride. But I keep going, taking each stair after the other, holding my urge to look at that jerk upstairs, until I finish the stairs. I take my phone and keys from where I dropped them on the couch before going upstairs, and this time, I really have to look at him. I can no longer fight the urge.

I look back and up the stairs, where he is still standing. He doesn't seem remorseful at all. He is there, standing so boldly on the balcony with his hands crossed on the chest like a king watching his servant carry his order. I give him a once-over look. With my head held high, I take my walk of shame and leave his house.

How I wish I could get him out of my heart too. How will this story of ours end, huh? Is there really us? Why can't I find time to express this? Why do we always crash when the questions of our hearts arise? Each of us wants to know how the other feels, but why do we always crash whenever we decide to talk about it?