THE BEATS'S CONFESSION

I wake up in the morning with a spinning headache. It has been a while since I had these annoying pains, but I guess someone triggered them yesterday. That filthy jerk! I do not know what happened after. Whether he left together with his b*tch or he left alone, the only thing I remember hearing while I was lying down on my bed was the sound of a door closing with a bang, followed by footsteps descending the stairs. When I woke up later, at nine, I found ten missed calls from Ejay, but I did not respond or call back. I had not planned on falling asleep; it just happened, and in any case, I had decided to punish him for what he did. He should know that he cannot do anything he wants without caring if it hurts someone or not. What is he? A god? Hell no! I hope Mayleen had a little dignity left in her to leave. I do not know how to even look at her after yesterday.

I take my painkillers and set an alarm to wake me up after thirty minutes. The pain will have subsided by then, or perhaps gone. I take a quick glance at the card under my pillow before I lie down. I have to find a way to convince the monster to permit me to attend the extravaganza show. But how will I convince him? I did not go to the club yesterday, and I know he is fuming with anger wherever he is. Unless a miracle happens, I will surely get it from him today. I should be ready for another slap and a lot of yelling, or something worse.

Forty-five minutes later, I wake up to see the ugly face of Ejay sitting beside me on my bed. The audacity of this jerk is top-notch. His guts freak the hell out of me. And the way he is sitting so comfortably, as if he has the right to be here, is making my blood boil.

"You have some balls showing up here?" I sat up.

"Just like you had the balls to not come to the club, and worst of all, ignore my calls!" He said that without even looking up from his phone. He then puts his phone on the bed and asks, looking straight forward. If I were naive, I would be compelled to think that he is ashamed of looking at me for what he did. But I know this moron. He can never be sorry or ashamed of anything. This could be anger boiling in him. "Who gave you that right?"

Who gave me the right, huh? Well, it makes me think. Who did? "You did, Ejay." His eyes shoot up at me deeper. They have that murderous look of a mixture of gray and red in them. I get out of bed and stand in front of them. "Have you seen my face? My right cheek looks red, right? I bet it has your fucking finger marks on it. And for the first time in about a month, I had to take my medications again. All hail unto you." I may be right or wrong, but I think I saw some kind of softness in his eyes before he averted mine for a second.

That is not possible. Not Ejay. He looks away. What is that? Guilt? Did he develop a conscience over night? My eyes might be playing tricks with me.

"You should be grateful." He looks back at me, his eyes looking so cold like the devil. "If it was someone else who dared to challenge or insult me like you did, they would be six feet under." Forget the nonsense I said earlier about him developing a conscience. My eyes pulled a long one on me, or was it my empty brain?

"And what about you, Ejay? Your mistakes do not count. You have the right to do anything you want, and you do not care whether you hurt anyone or not. Was it really necessary to fuck your bitch in my own house?"I fire.

"So what is hurting you more, Gia? Tell me." He closes the gap between us, placing his filthy index finger on my chin, forcing me to look at him as he utters the purest nonsense I have heard from him for the four and a half months I have known him. "Is it me fucking her in your house, or is it just the fact that I was screwing her?"

What? This ugly monkey monster is quite something! He thinks I give a damn about who he screws? This is pathetically laughable. He can go fuck the dogs for all I care. As long as it is not me, Gia does not care, you fool. But why does he think that I care? Could he be seriously having feelings for me?

"You. Are. Pathetically. Despicable!" I turn to walk out, but he grabs me, turns me around, and in a second, I am pinned to the door.

"You know what, Gia?" He says, holding my face with one hand, his fingers pressed hard on my poor cheeks, my eyes shutting up the pain building up on my cheeks. "Don't you dare close your eyes on me." He orders, banging my head on the door. Not too hard, but scaringly enough to force my eyes to open, tears started to well up. "I like your balls. I like that you are feisty. Your guts are driving me nuts. But do you know what is driving me crazy? The fact that I have not been able to get you in bed. The fact that you are not interested in me. The mere thought that you cannot bring yourself to love me is driving me insane. I am going crazy because of you." He takes his hand off my face and rests it on my shoulder, and he starts to wipe off the tears rolling down my cheeks with his other hand. "I could have killed you a long time ago; do you know that? I could have given you to the men in the club. I have declined so many offers for you. Do you know why?" I keep quiet, letting the tears continue flowing.

How many times have I told myself that I am not going to cry again? I lost count. And here I am again. "Answer me, Gia! Do you know why I did not do any of that?" I shake my head. "Because I want you all for myself. I want you in all senses, and I have never craved for someone this way." His thumb moves to my lips, and he leans in too, resting his forehead on mine. "From the day I saw you, I wanted to make you mine. Mine alone. I wanted you to teach me how to love. I want you to surrender to me willingly. But I am getting tired of waiting." He stops to caress my lips and dips his middle finger inside my mouth.

Freaking shit! He better pray I don't puke on his face.

What does he expect me to do? Bite it? Chew it up!

"Why can't you appreciate my efforts? Why can't you love me, Gia, even when I gave you no option?" He takes his finger out of my mouth and leaks it.

Yack!

I cannot love you for all the reasons there are in the world, Ejay. I cannot. Ever since I met you, you have given me nothing but reasons after reasons to hate you every single second. And now, I do not just hate you; I detest you with my body, soul, mind, and spirit. I detest you so much. The miseries and mysteries of my life revolve around you, Ejay. You never explained how and where you found me. You do not want me to recover my memory. You do not want me to do anything, even look for my family. The lives you have killed in front of my eyes prove that you are a murderer. Maybe you are even responsible for what happened to me. Maybe you know where my family is, but you do not want me to find them for your own selfish reasons. You are so selfish. You are so evil.You do not deserve to be loved, because you yourself cannot love anyone. I am just your puppet to use for your own selfish gains.

They say that everyone deserves a second chance, but you do not, Ejay. You have done so many unforgivable things to deserve a second chance. I am sorry for breaking that commandment about judging, but I have already judged you, and I am not sorry for that. You are not worthy of walking on the face of the earth. You do not deserve to be among human beings. And just so you know, I have mentally killed you a thousand times, and even now, I look at you and wish I could just shoot you in the head countless times. But that will be an easy death for a murderer like you. You deserve a severe death, because even rotting behind bars for the rest of your miserable life is not enough punishment for all your wrongdoing.

He dips his finger in my mouth again, and I leak it this time, closing my eyes because I do not want to see him move. My mission is so far from pleasing him. "So why can't you love me, huh?" He asks again after removing his finger from my mouth and leaking it again.

Show time!

"Because I am scared." I say, wiping the remaining tears from my eyes. "Every time I think of loving you, I am always reminded of the kind of pain I will be subjecting myself to. The fear that you can kill me any time you feel like it scares me to death. My heart might be wanting to give it a try, but my mind is always awake to the fact that I do not matter that much to you. Nobody matters to you, Ejay. And even if I choose to follow my heart, I still can't. I cannot love someone who cannot control his sexual desires. I cannot love you while I know you are sleeping with someone else. I just can't. You say you love me, yet you are having sex with someone else, and you are so proud of it. How is that, love? You say you want me all to yourself, but can you do the same? Can you be all mine?" I wait for him to say anything, but he just stares at me.

I might have asked a very absurd question for him to look at me like that for a couple of minutes. I knew it. This one does not know the meaning of the word love. And if it is so hard for him to stop having sex with Mayleen, then what does he need me for? His second sex toy? If this cockroach thinks he can have his way with everyone, he better think twice.

"Is getting rid of her the only way to have you?" His words make me thunderstruck.

Can he do that, or is he just pulling my leg? A beast like him can promise heaven just to get what he wants, only for him to send you to hell when he is done with you. I am not as dumb as he thinks I am.

"First, I hope that by "getting rid of her," you do not in any way mean killing her." I don't want him to misunderstand me. I might be feeling like strangling that bitch, but I don't want her to die. No! I want no one's blood in my hand!

"No. Not Mayleen." He answers.

Not Mayleen. Does he value her that much? What is the deal between them anyway? One day he is beating her up and squeezing life out of her, and the next day they are making love so shamelessly without caring if they get caught. What kind of relationship is that?

"Is she that important to you? What kind of relationship do the two of you have? You love her?"

"I do not love her. She is just important. What I have with her is a story for another day. Second?"

So they have a connection? Alright. Underline that. We shall revisit.

"Second, not just Mayleen. You are not going to have any other woman but me. If I cannot have another man apart from you, then you are no exception. You stick to me alone." I know I am making a big fool of myself here, but what should I do?

"Is that all?"He asks.

"No. I am sorry, but I will have to punish you for disrespecting me like i am some trash yesterday." Here is where I will push my luck. I am going to use this chance no matter how slim it seems.

"You should know that, Ejay does not negotiate with anyone. I get anything I want by fire by force, by word, or by bullets. But for you, I am willing to lower my standards. But I hope, for everything that I hold dearest to, I really hope you are not playing games with me, Gia. So you better back off, if you know you are toying with me. This is your first and last chance." He throws a deadly warning, but for what i am fighting for, i am taking all the risks.

"I might have lost my memory, but I did not lose my senses. I know what is in it for me if I betray you, Ejay. Besides, I have accepted the fact that I can not have a relationship with any other man, and believe me, I don't think even in the past I ever dreamt of becoming a nun, not even now."

"That was your last chance. So name your punishment." He says, crossing his hands on his chest, as he awaits for me.

"I will see you tonight at the club." I leave the beast hanging.