Epilogue Part 1

Epilogue

Mew's Point of View

Someone once told me that love is like a baby bird's first flight. At first it is afraid to fly.

Just like love. You are afraid of risk everything. But still, you choose to take that risk. Because it is natural for us to love and it is natural for birds to fly.

You are left with no choice but to face the fear.

On the first flight of the bird, it will think that it will fall. Love is also like that. That feeling when thought you would fall, but without realizing, you're already flying in the sky because of the love you feel. Just as you are about to hit the ground, you suddenly feel yourself drifting higher and higher, with a contented feeling in your heart.

But sadly, the love that Gulf and I had was never near that. Our love was like a baby bird that fell to the ground numerous times with its body being wounded and bruised everytime it fell. And just as it already perfected the basics of flying, it fell into a vast ocean and slowly drowned.

Devastated is an understatement for what I felt when Gulf left me on our honeymoon. I was trying to protect and keep him close to me, but I did not notice that he was slowly drifting away. It was like a bird's first flight. But for its first time, the bird fell to the cold ground.

God knew how happy I was when Gulf came back to me and forgave me for the sin I had committed against him. Damn! I thought I thought I lost him for good. Fortunately, he was brave enough to let our bird of love fly again.

The bird once again tried to fly. And this time, it flew higher, bringing us both to greater heights. It felt good. A hawk tried to take us down, but we managed to lose it. Aron tried to ruin our relationship. But we were able to overcome him. The bird flew freely.

But unexpectedly, the bird hit the ground for the second time. And the worst part? It fell from a greater height which means that the second fall was way more painful than the first fall.

It might have been torture to Gulf, but it was hell to me.

I don't know what went through my mind to fool around.

Gulf was so busy with Hughie. I felt ignored. Every time I call him, I felt like I was sharing him with his time. I thought that Gulf will only need to finish his contracts in Spain for a month, I didn't expect that he might stay there longer than expected.

Due to my responsibilities at the company, I could not visit Spain very often. I was lonely. I know loneliness will never be a valid reason for you to cheat on the person you love, but it consumed me.

Maybe I was weak?

I was selfish to ask Gulf to leave Hughie for me. But I still hoped he would choose me. I'm so bad. I put him in a tight situation. I let him choose between his friend who fighting for his life and me, who felt lonely for being far from him.

I was beyond stupid. I could have just forced myself and quit my position to be with him in Spain and supported him with Hughie.

I let myself be consumed by greed and loneliness.

Then came another temptation.

I did not purposely cheat on Gulf. I just didn't realize that I was slowly having fun with others.

Tommy was new to the company. His father retired from his position as board member and he took over.

I saw many of Gulf's qualities in him. From the physical features to the attitude.

But they weren't the same. Far the same, actually. I let myself be entertained because I didn't expect Gulf to find out. I did not love Tommy. I didn't even like him. But I felt like I was with Gulf whenever I was with him.

I know. It was a very shallow excuse. But it was as plain and simple as that. Tommy was there. And Gulf was not.

During the times when we partied after the board meetings, I wanted to tell Gulf about them. It's just that, I didn't want to be insensitive. He was in Spain caring for his friend then I'll him I will be out partying? I did not want him to feel that I was enjoying my life without him.

I was inside my office reading and signing files when Tommy entered.

"Mew, let's party tonight. My cousin's bar is having it's grand opening. You should come with us."

"Pass. I have to stay home and behave." I turned my attention back to the papers I was reading.

"Don't be ridiculous. It will be fun. Besides, what are you going to do all night at your house? Stare at your ceiling and do nothing?"

"I really shouldn't." I refused again.

"You have no choice. We'll pick you up later so you don't have to drive. Be ready by seven."

Tommy insisted. So I could not do anything. I thought it would be a one-time thing. I didn't realize that we went to party after party.

The night I received my award, I simply mentioned Tommy to thank him because he convinced me to attend the awards show. When Gulf said that he couldn't make it for my birthday, I lost the will to go. But Tommy pushed me.

I was shocked when he kissed me. And with my great longing for Gulf, I thought it was him I was kissing. That is why I kissed him back.

What a petty excuse. I can't believe I tried to justify my wrong decision.

And when Gulf found out about everything, I was so ashamed of myself. I felt like I didn't deserve him. I felt like I was not good enough for him. I wasted the second chance that he gave me. I am such a terrible person.

How could I hurt for the second time the person I treasure the most in this world? You are beyond stupid, Mew!

I did not mean everything I said that night. After what I did, I knew I didn't deserve him. I felt unworthy of his love. And he did not deserve the love I could give him that time.

So I chose to drive him away. I knew he was having a hard time too. But I knew in my heart that I would only hurt him over and over again. I'd better just let him go first while I fix myself.

I slapped Gulf not because I wanted to hurt him. I just felt angry because I again felt like Hughie was his top priority. I thought that he also share the blame for why I cheated on him.

But I was wrong. It was all my fault. I am to be blamed for everything I did. Gulf was innocent. No one else should be blamed for my terrible actions and bad decisions.

What happened that night was very painful for me.

The next day, I found out that Hughie died. I felt guilty after everything I said to Gulf about him even if I did not mean a single word I said.

I felt sorry for Gulf. That night I broke his heart again, and his friend died without him by his side.

I knew I had to be there for Gulf. So even though I knew he didn't want to see me there, I went to the funeral anyway. And I was right. He did not want me there.

I saw how hurt he was by everything I did and everything I said. I could see the pain and disgust in his eyes. But grief for the bereaved friend to whom I spoke hurtful words prevailed.

I knew I would just continue to hurt Gulf. So I chose to let him go and gave him time and space.

I blamed myself so much. I was terrible. Not just as a lover, but as a person too.

I heard that Gulf was traveling across Europe. That's what the staff I ordered to guard and protect him said.

I thought that time will heal the wound that was embedded in my heart. I was wrong. Because as time went on without Gulf, I felt like I was going crazy because of loneliness. My wounds never healed. It only got bigger and bigger.

I suffered from depression and bipolar disorder. I hurt myself physically because my mind was suffering from painful memories. My mom told me that I looked okay and I was fine everytime I talk to them. But when I was alone, they would find me inside my room, banging my head on the concrete wall.

I tried to kill myself a lot of times, but I failed every single time. I cried myself to sleep every single night. But still went to work the next day.

No one knew about the pain I was feeling inside me. No one knew about everything going on inside my head.

I really miss Gulf. I miss his skin so much. His touch. His angelic face. And his body's warmth.

If you would think about it, we haven't been together for so long. Our relationship was on and off. But that's really how it is when love hits you. It is not with the length of time you have shared with each other. It is in quality of the relationship, no matter how limited the time you spent with them. I was so happy with Gulf. With him I felt a different kind of happiness. And only with him will I feel it. The moments I shared with Gulf were the happiest days of my life.

And as time went on, I gradually lost hope that we would be together again.

My depression became worse. I tried to hang myself once. I was lucky enough that my mother arrived the moment I was about to lose consciousness and untied me from the cold rope.

We once had a family outing in a big resort here in Metro Manila. I remember that time I pretended to be drowning in the pool of our condo in Spain. How Gulf saved me from drowning and how worried he was if I died.

My depression and bipolar disorder hit again. I tried to drown myself, hoping that Gulf would dive in and save me. Then I would wake up around his arms and I would hug him so tight and thank him for coming back.

But it was not Gulf who saved me. I did not wake up on his arms. And he really wasn't coming back.

I found out that Gulf went to Russia to have a son through surrogacy. I was so curious about his state that is why I followed him in Russia. I left the company. I did not care about anything else.

I missed him so much. It has been almost a year since I last saw him. He changed a bit. His appearance matured but he was still handsome as ever. I cannot let him see me like this. He might think that I'm crazy. So I watched him from afar.

While I was at his usual coffee shop where he goes after the OB session with the bearer of his son, I saw a man molesting him. I wanted so much to punch the man's face but I didn't do it in front of him.

My table was far from the counter where Gulf was ordering. The man tried to touch his hand and Gulf got angry. That's why he was so angry while walking out of the coffee shop.

After he left, I didn't hesitate to punch the man who molested him.

I was inspired by what Gulf did and I thought maybe I could do the same. So I also tried surrogacy. Hence, I had my own child, MJ.

I thought of fixing myself. If I want to have Gulf back, I need to show him that I am still worthy of his love. I have to fix myself.

But I was wrong. I thought that having MJ would make me feel better.

For the first three years, everything was smooth. Especially that MJ was still young and needed intense care and attention.

But when he grew older and started preschool, my depression resurfaced.

There were times when he would wake me from my sleep. He was crying because he saw me crying with my eyes closed because of a bad dream. Guilt was still inside my system because of everything I did to Gulf.

There were also nights when I would quietly cry in bed when I feel that MJ is already asleep. I would cry myself to sleep, wishing that the pain would go away. But it did not.

One time, I thought my son was already sleeping. But I was surprised when I heard him speak.

"Shh. Stop torturing yourself daddy. You're always crying yourself to sleep. I love you dad. I'm sure he'll be back soon."

It was still very painful and very difficult. I really miss Gulf. I can't stand the pain and loneliness I feel. I have so many regrets.

There was also this one time when MJ saw me trying to kill myself by hanging.

I was there, hanging from the rope. The chair I used was already flipped on the ground. And I was gasping for air.

MJ went inside my room crying.

"Daddy! Please don't kill yourself." he cried loudly as he tried to fix the chair that had fallen down.

I felt terrible. How could I do this to my son?

I struggled to put my feet on the chair. I removed the rope and quickly hugged him tight.

"Shhh. I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry."

I am a bad father. Why did I bring him here to the world if I would just leave him alone?

I tried to fix myself again. This time, not for Gulf. But for my son.

And as months passed, I became better.

The moment I found out that Gulf was returning to the company because of the death of his uncle, I knew that it was my chance.

Destiny will unite us again. I only have to do my best and not fuck things up this time.

I really made sure that I was at the airport when he returned to the Philippines. I scheduled an aircraft inspection during that day so that I had a good reason to be there.

I bought a donut for MJ but I could not find him where I left him. I never thought that he would wander around.

But there he was. On Gulf's arms. With Hugo, his now grown up son.

I never thought I would feel jealous of the two kids. How I'd love to be caressed by those arms.

But an unexpected thing happened. I didn't know why Tommy called me babe and kissed me.

Sure, I was friends with Tommy. I never blamed him with what happened to Gulf and me. It was all my fault.

But I was angry when he kissed me at the airport in front of Gulf.

"Don't ever say that again! And don't get too close to me. We're friends, not lovers Tommy. So keep your distance." I warned him.

I sent flowers and food to Gulf everyday. I was also always in my office watching the CCTV camera angled at his desk so I could always see him. I was really going crazy.

Only Gulf can do this to me. Only Gulf can make me crazy.

I was hurt when Gulf poured me the food I brought him. But it was not a reason for me to be discouraged. I understand his grief and anger.

I will not give up that easily. So when he filed for annulment, I did everything I could to keep our marriage.

I hired the best lawyers in the country. Fortunately, I have money and resources. That is why I won the case.

I would be lying if I tell you I was not hurt when he said he wanted to remarry. But I knew that it was still early to give up on him.

I tried to be close to his son. He didn't know that I always smuggled and took Hugo to my office every nine o'clock in the morning so that he and MJ could play there and only send him back to the nursery at eleven o'clock, just in time before he picks him up.

I also tried to protect him in the company. When I noticed that Tommy was coming at him, I had to do something. So I fired Tommy from the company.

I knew that Trevor was flirting with Gulf. But I let him because I wanted to fight in a fair way.

If Gulf doesn't come back to me, I will accept it. But I must first do everything I can.

When Gulf and I had sex in his office after helping him with his presentation, it was the happiest day of my life for the past five years. He initiated the kiss. He wanted to have me. And I wanted to have him. I was not happy about the sex alone. I was happy because I felt like we could be together again.

I felt sad when he said it meant nothing and I shouldn't get my hopes up. It was painful. But again, it was not a reason to give up.

I wanted to have dinner with him alone. So I tricked him. But he still did not consent. My plan failed. But I was still determined.

My last option. The company party. I can already feel it. I feel that he still loves me and he's just holding himself back.

I remember when I sang for him at the airport. So I thought of singing for him again. Maybe. Just maybe he would find it romantic and forgive me.

I wanted so much to tell him my feelings. So I pushed through with singing.

I sang my heart out. My voice broke several times because of the overwhelming feelings. And I felt very disappointed at myself when I saw him going out of the venue.

I chased after him and knelt in front of him while holding his hands. Crying because of the extreme pain and fear I was feeling.

"I'm scared Mew. Because if I give you one more chance, I might not be able to cope. I might lose myself forever."

Tears are streaming down his cheeks. I can't bear to see him cry.

"I promise that I will never hurt you again. Please, Gulf. Please, baby. I still love you. My love for you has never diminished." his voice broke again.

He tried to stand me up but I remained on my knees.

He heaved out a deep sigh.

"I'm scared, Mew. Because if I give you one more chance and you fail me again, I might not be able to handle the pain anymore. I might lose myself forever."

"I promise that I will never hurt you again. Please, Gulf. Please, baby. I still love you. My love for you never faded." my voice broke for the nth time as tears streamed down my face.

He removed my grasp from his hands and turned his back on me.

My heart was devastated. The pain was excruciating.

"This is hard for me too, Mew. But we can handle it. We can handle it even if we're not together. We've been able to handle five years far apart. We can definitely handle the years to come."

"You might be able to handle it Gulf, but I might not. Please, please, please. Please give me another chance." I did not stop crying.

"I'm so sorry, Mew."

And in that moment, I knew that he will never come back to me. I've done everything I can but he really doesn't want me anymore.

I forced myself to stand up before speaking. Although it was difficult, I forced myself to speak.

"I have done everything I could to have you back. But I was still unable to give you a reason to forgive me. So I guess this is goodbye?"

I sniffed.

"MJ and I will be leaving the Philippines tonight for good. I was expecting that you wouldn't really give me another chance. I have talked to my lawyers and I have already signed the papers. I am transferring my shares of the company to you and I have already signed the papers for our annulment. Just sign the papers and we will finally be annulled, just like you want. I have pleaded for psychological incapacity that is why MJ and I will leave the country tonight."

Earlier, I had prepared myself that this might be the outcome of what I was going to do.

I cannot take this anymore. I want to really move on. Maybe I just need closure. I'm sure I'll have a hard time. But I will try again to forget.

I handed him the annulment paper that he needed to sign to nullify our marriage. My hand is shaking.

"Just sign this and this will all be over. You can finally remarry, just like you asked."

He was reluctant to accept that so I put the ballpen in his hand myself. He signed it.

I stopped myself from hugging him but I failed.

Even just once, I wanted to feel the warmth of his hug. I want to remember the feeling of having him around me. The comfort and happiness he gives me. Even for the last time.

"I guess this will be our last touch. Our last hug."

I was crying on his shoulder.

"I love you so much Gulf. I am sorry for letting you feel so much pain. I am sorry for hurting you so much. Always take care of yourself. It's time for me to really move on."

For five minutes, he let me hug him tightly.

I did not want to let go. It hurts a lot but I know that this is what we need. I can't hold on anymore. I can no longer fight. Our bird of love can no longer flap its wings.

I let go of the hug and slowly walked away from him. And with every step I took, my heart was silently breaking into pieces. I waited for him to stop me. To hug me from the back. I hoped so much for him to stop me. But he did not. He just let me walk away completely.

With a broken heart, I drove away from there. Tears kept flowing down my cheeks. I called the driver and told him to now take MJ to the airport.

Today, my body will leave the Philippines. But my shattered heart will be left here. It will be left here with the love of my life.

My eyes were swollen when I arrived at the airport. My lawyers were already here. I handed them our annulment paper. It just needs to be brought to the nearest open trial court and be signed by a judge. I told my lawyers to bring it right now so that this would all be over.

When I saw MJ, I quickly bent down and open my arms, suggesting a hug, hoping that a hug from my son would comfort me. But I knew to myself, only Gulf's hug will take all this pain away. Only he can take all my pain away.

I felt that MJ can feel me hurting. But I just can't convince myself to look strong in front of him. I am so sorry MJ. Right now, daddy's heart is completely shattered. I cannot pretend.

I want to feel this moment. My heart may be in pieces but I still want to feel it.

To be hurt by Gulf is still an honor. I love him so much that even when he hurt me, somehow, I still feel joy. I love him so much that I will never regret loving him.

MJ and I boarded our private plane.

I held his hand. My tears have now given up on me. And my eyes have completely dried up.

I turned my phone off, ready to leave everything behind.

Tonight, I will leave the Philippines. I will leave all the painful memories and make new and beautiful ones with my son.

MJ and I flew to Canada.

My wristwatch told me that it's one pm in the Philippines but it was midnight when we arrived at Toronto Pearson, the largest and busiest airport in Canada. It's because of the time zone difference.

I turned my phone on to call the driver of the new car I bought so he could hand it over to me.

When my phone got back its signal, I immediately noticed the calls I missed. 50 missed calls from Mild. 20 missed calls from my mother. 22 missed calls from dad. But one notification caught my attention.

One missed call from Gulf.

I always had his number. But I never texted him.

I felt my heart racing and my breathing became hard. I felt anxious.

Why did Gulf call?

Just as I was about to click the call back button, my phone rang.

Mild calling ...

I quickly accepted the call.

"Hello?"

"Mew ... Fuck, why did you pick up just now? We called you so many times yesterday!" Mild's angry voice was mixed with sadness. "G-G-Gulf... something happened to him." His voice broke at the mention of his friends name.

My heartbeat became much faster. Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

"What? What about Gulf?" I asked worriedly.

"Gulf met an accident last night ..." he started to cry. "Gulf, is b-brain d-dead."