126

I sat dazed at my white desk and stared at this one ad in my newspaper for what felt like hours.

I felt empty and frozen like there was nothing left of me. So not only had he left me, he had taken with him the part of me that made me feel happy and content.

I would never feel those feelings again, even though my parents kept telling me on the phone to come home and everything would be fine. You had no idea...

Nothing would ever be good for me again. The destiny of my life had decided to wrap me in eternal solitude. Endless grief that didn't even allow me to shed tears anymore, it seemed so strong. She numbed all feeling. There was only dark emptiness eating me from the inside out.

My lost gaze fell briefly on my bookshelf next to me, but my books no longer had any meaning for me. Before that, I had read them to look forward to something. The anticipation of one day being able to experience the same happiness as the protagonists. But they were only written illusions that had nothing to do with reality, because as I looked back at the advertisement for Emilio's funeral, I realized more than ever that with every touch of happiness came a darkness. You had to pay dearly for every racing heart, every smile and every kiss.

I closed my eyes for a moment, taking fleeting pleasure in just seeing him against the black background. It even felt like I could smell him at that moment. A fantasy that kept me alive even if it was a lonely life where dreams meant more than this sick reality.

It wasn't until my cell phone rang that I was lurched back to reality and took a deep breath as I answered the call.

"Ja?"

"Isalie? Have you sent your things yet?"

My mother worried again about everything that had nothing to do with me. She's never been good with grief, so my eyes immediately fell on the many boxes in front of my desk.

"No, I'll do it today," I replied softly, feeling like even the tone of my voice had changed. Goose bumps sent shivers down my arms and I got up with my phone to my ear to make my way to my bedroom. "I'm tired. Can we talk tomorrow?"

"Of course! But don't forget-"

"I get it, mom. I'll send everything off tomorrow."

I ended the call in frustration and just collapsed on my bed, exhausted.

I thought about my decision and whether it was the right one, but it was the only possible one. Any longer here in Alicante and I would most certainly perish miserably. Everything here reminded me of him and while I was only too happy to indulge in his spirit, I knew that it would psychologically destroy me in the long run. He wouldn't have wanted that...

That's exactly why I planned to leave everything behind here. In exactly three weeks I would be leaving Alicante and flying back to rainy Germany, but first I wanted to pay my respects to him.

His funeral...

The day I had dreaded the first time I looked into his eyes and thought it would not come until we were old and gray and sitting on a porch with our grandchildren.

At this bittersweet notion, tears of sorrow flowed down my cheeks and fell straight onto my pillow, which I snuggled up against to feel at least some warmth in my life.

I would sleep. Until his funeral and after that I would go back to sleep... All my life, because in my dreams, there was no death. It was just him and me and we only needed each other to be happy.

-

The next morning came, but every day felt the same to me anyway. I struggled out of bed, staggered to my bathroom, and undressed completely to indulge in the warm water of my shower.

I took a long shower, then brushed my teeth and put on a long black dress from my closet to look at myself in the mirror without an expression for a while.

Was it normal that I gave up like this? As a therapist, how often had I advised people to learn to deal with the loss and move on. After the last week, I wouldn't tell anyone that nonsense again. How should you deal with a feeling that destroyed you? With a feeling that changed you?

A ring on my front door made me catch my breath and I peeked around the corner of the bathroom to my front door.

In fact, it could only be Hector. Otherwise nobody knew me here and the police left me alone because they wanted to clarify everything at a court hearing at the end of the week.

I quickly tied my wet hair in a high bun as I walked down the narrow hallway and after slipping on my black shoes, I grabbed my large black sunglasses and small purse before heading to the front door.

I opened it and indeed Hektor was standing in front of me with a black suit and looked at me sympathetically. I haven't seen him since the day I left his hut, but his expression hasn't changed since then. He seemed broken and silently handed me his arm, which I linked to walk with him to his limousine.

He politely held the passenger door open for me and I climbed in with tears in my eyes, at the same time glad that I couldn't see them under my glasses.

When Hektor got in, we drove to the cemetery together and despite everything I still didn't want to admit it. Again and again this devastating thought crept into my mind that this must all be a nightmare from which I would soon awake in Emilio's strong arms.

"Everything will be fine again," said Hector suddenly, but the sound of his deep voice alone made me guess that he didn't believe in it himself.

"Sure," I replied without expression, and after we got to a full parking lot, he parked at the edge, turned off the engine, and we got out together.

My gaze fell on the large meadow in front of us and I could hardly believe how many people were standing there. Emilio had no friends, no real family and it made me incredibly angry that these people felt they had a right to pay their last respects.

"His father is also being buried today," Hektor suddenly explained the hustle and bustle here and I took off my glasses and looked at Hektor in horror. Not because Ernesto was dead too. I didn't give a damn that he was stabbed in prison. My concern was that Emilio should not be buried next to his father. He would never have wanted that. It felt like the whole world was conspiring against me and there was nothing I could do about it.

"He would never have wanted that," I replied to Hektor, still horrified, but he could only watch and I angrily put my sunglasses back on to walk across the meadow together with Hektor.

My gaze wandered over the many suits, but when I recognized a girl who was nervously biting her fingernails, my eyes stayed on her and I recognized the girl from the pictures. Mira...

Basically she was the only one who probably didn't really understand what was going on here and yet the only one who deserved to be here. The only one he really loved.

"I'll stay here," I said to Hector and stopped under a tree a little further away. I could see the two graves well and also the two coffins. I didn't want to get any closer, otherwise I might throw myself into this deep hole in the hope that my heart would just stop beating.

"Me too," Hector echoed, leaning back against the tree behind us to tuck his hands casually into his pockets.

Then everything that ever happened at funerals happened. The vicar gave a speech about how amazing and great the two deceased were, not knowing that one of them was a monster.

"How can you bury the murderer next to the victim", it came stunned and whispered from my lips and the next moment I felt Hector's hand on mine, how he squeezed it gently and probably tried to give me the strength for this whole circus to endure here.

Emilio's mother was also allowed to say a few words afterwards and of course I noticed that she was only mourning her husband, which made me so angry that I snatched my hand from Hector and just wanted to run away. I couldn't take it, but Hector grabbed my forearm and pulled me back.

"He needs you here!"

Hector looked at me pleadingly and although everything in me resisted, I stood at Hector's side again with my eyes on Mira and reluctantly let it go over me...

The coffins were lowered. The mourners threw red roses into the grave and I walked slowly towards the grave after most had already said goodbye and only a few stayed at this place.

"Behave yourself!", I suddenly heard someone next to me and looked over to Emilio's mother, who was just about to reprimand Mira. I wanted to ignore it and run towards Emilio's grave, but when I heard her smack her face, I widened my eyes in disbelief and turned around to run towards the raven mother full of hatred.